Soundtrack to Mary

Want to see me squirm and duck for cover? Try one of these conversation starters:
1. “I met someone who knows you.” What possible good can come from a sentence that begins this way? It’s never followed up with, “It was someone whose life you saved a few years ago and then selflessly asked for nothing in return.” It’s usually more like, “He said you two went out once and then you lost touch. He’s on parole now and says you should give him a call. Also, his band has a new disc coming out that he’d love for you to give a listen to.” Then the real challenge begins. How do I explain to this well-meaning messenger that I’d rather have elective gum surgery than get in touch with someone who knows me?
2. “Would you be available … ?” Never is this starter followed up with anything you, me, or your Aunt Marie would ever consider doing at gunpoint. The following words are usually involved, “host,” “judge,” “emcee,” “panel,” or “intro.” This one is particularly sketchy, as I’ve made a semi-career out of doing all of the above. But once you’ve been seen doing something, the assumption is it’s got to be something you love doing. Also, you love doing it for free.
Come to think of it, I could add many more cringe-inducing sentence starters to the list:
“Is it true…?”
“Dont take this the wrong way…”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you used to… ?”
“When you get a chance…”
Leonardo da Vinci said it best when he said you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life.

Email Mary at popularcreeps at yahoo dot com.