So. I was at the Jewish Community Center on Christmas Day — along with what appeared to be every other fitness-minded non-Christian in the western metro — on the elliptical trainer, reading Self magazine, when I ran across an article entitled The Great Sex Diet. And out of a deep sense of professional responsibility, I read.
This was no small task. It was a very lengthy treatise that included not only food advice, but a list of "myths" about aphrodisiacs, the testimony of a sex expert, and (oddly, I thought) the intensely personal thoughts of the author — an online novelist (?) named Valerie Frankel — who had tried all the recommended techniques with her husband, as well as a blow-by-blow account of exactly how each one worked out.
Unlike most magazine articles, however, this one failed to provide any useful, scannable information in the form of a handy-dandy bullet-pointed list. Rather, the advice was buried in and amongst details none of us needs to know. So in order to save you the pain and embarrassment of reading the entire article for yourself, I’m going to do here what I think the editor at Self should have done for her readership.
If you want to have better sex, try eating:
Almonds and Walnuts — they’re high in arginine, an amino acid the body uses to make nitric oxide, which in turn opens blood vessels and allows them to expand
Salmon, Cod and Halibut — also contain arginine, plus omega-3 fatty acids, which may increase both libido and orgasmic intensity
Spinach, Broccoli, Beets, Berries, and Grapes — because they’re high in antioxidants which clean up free radicals and improve general cell health
Dark Chocolate — also a great source of antioxidants, plus endorphin-raising compounds that enhance circulation
In other words, the very same foods (jeepers!) you should eat to ensure peak cardiovascular function, prevent premature aging, maintain a healthy weight, and build strong hair, bones, fingernails, and teeth. Hmmm. . . .Could it be that healthy living actually leads to better sex? Wow!!! Who in the world could have predicted that?
Apparently not Frankel, who went on (the diet portion was only the first third of the article) to talk about all the fancy supplements she took to increase her level of free testosterone, her always "reliable" clitoris and inadequate G-spot, as well as her use of a device called a GyneFlex that sounded kind of like a Thighmaster for the vagina.
Believe me, you’re better off not reading the entire article, in which Frankel talked glibly about giving up cigarettes temporarily in order to improve her circulation so she could orgasm more easily (never mind breathe. . . .) And then she went way, way too far, suggesting that those in search of good sex should give up coffee and alcohol, too. As if being perpetually cranky, tired, and stone cold sober ever did anything for anyone’s love life.
Anyhow, culling the two or three paragraphs of useful information from this mess of personal memoir and genital workout routine, I think the message can be distilled down to this:
On your next date night, go out (or stay in), relax, have a glass of red wine; a spinach salad with walnuts and a nice balsamic vinaigrette; a piece of grilled fish; and for dessert, a few squares of 70-80 percent cacao dark chocolate. Then feel free to finish it all off with a good, strong cup of espresso.
This is me talking now and I say go for it, caffeine be damned. Because God willing, you’re going to be up until dawn.