The End Is Nigh!

In the lean years that will
soon follow, survivors will look back upon December 19, 2007 with pain
and sorrow in their haunted eyes — for this day marked the beginning
of the end. The Seventh Seal will soon be open, for the passage of the first increase in
CAFÉ standards in more than 30 years
can be naught but a signal that the End Times are upon us.

Now, the "Energy Independence,
Clean Air, and Climate Security Act of 2007"
is fairly atypical for a piece of compromise legislation in that it
actually accomplishes something. That is, something beyond giving the honorable
representative from Alaska
some pork to sustain him through long cold nights spent dreaming of
the day when Josh Hartnett
will save him
from the vampires that so often stalk Yukon towns. And to be sure, Rep.
Don Young, even the legendary Hartnett, whose superhuman charms kept
the ravenous hunger of Scarlett Johansson sated for longer than any
normal man could ever hope for, cannot save you from the pending apocalypse
signaled by the passage of a bill that calls for increased fuel consumption
standards in passenger cars and light trucks. By 2020, no longer
will Hummers be able to tool along I-94, secure in their superior ability
to carry Viagra users from one tarmac covered area to another whilst
fueling their unholy internal combustion with the most beautiful virgins
in the land. And believe me – virgins do not make for efficient combustion.
No, in just 13 short years, assuming the sun does not suddenly collapse
into a neutron star when our fearless leader puts pen to paper on an
environmentally friendly piece of legislation, the average fuel economy
of every automaker’s fleet will be bumped to 35 miles per gallon.

Of course, if one were not
paying attention, it might be difficult to understand why this seemingly
positive change signals a pending holocaust. I, however, am uniquely
qualified to read these dire portents. Allow me to break it down for
all y’all. While the phenomenon of congressional leaders finally summoning
the intestinal fortitude to turn down the 72 virgin party offered by
automakers and oil-producing countries may induce some to think the
Rapture is coming, I have a much more simple theory. The passage of
this bill may signal the Four Horseman simply because most experts for
the last 30 years believed a hermaphrodite would make a run for the
presidency before any elected official would make changes to those standards.
Turns out they were right. And for the first time since the
energy crisis of the 70s, no filibusters were held in protest of this
assault on America’s big iron. No one listened to the feeble cries
of American automakers screaming at the prospect of being forced to
innovate, rather than offer U.S. consumers the chance to buy the umpteenth iteration
of the Ford Taurus.
To be fair, the Taurus does not burn virgins for fuel. But it won’t
get you in the back seat with one either. Of course, neither will most of today’s
greenest cars.

Which brings us back to the
apocalypse – an apocalypse that saves us nearly three million barrels
of oil a day in 2020 and takes care of nearly a quarter of the U.S.’
greenhouse emissions targets. Even more astounding, and quite possibly
referenced in the Book of Revelations, is the addition of the Clean
Power Act of 2007 – requiring the EPA to issue reduction targets in
emissions from various and sundry power plants. Not to mention the ultra
nifty perk for Minnesota that will have farmers from Redwood Falls to
Ely twitching with subsidy-inspired incontinence – required U.S. biofuel
production of 36 billion gallons by 2022. That’s a whole lot of corn
– spelling millions upon millions of dollars for Minnesota farmers
(which will get a virgin in the back seat of a Taurus).

Just don’t expect to have
long to enjoy it. Make your peace with your maker, horde foodstuffs,
firearms, and neighborhood women, and convert your vehicle to run on
vegetable oil, for today’s CAFÉ standards mark the beginning of Ragnarok.
The great fire giant Surtr will soon cross the Rainbow Bridge with his
ravening hordes and cleanse the world of late model Fords, sparing only
Priuses and other Al Gore approved means of transportation. Like I said
a couple days ago – we’re boned.