The Unlubricated Hand of Government Intervenes Again

The status quo is almost always a warm, comforting feeling.
No matter how often people complain about Minnesota’s
interminable winters
, or Cyndy Brucato’s mummy-like visage
staring soullessly from KSTP evening newscasts, eternally hungering for the
blood of Amy
, they would still be profoundly disturbed these constants were
suddenly stripped from their lives.

This is why our fair state, Democrats, Republicans and
disinterested bystanders alike, should take comfort in the fact that the
legislative and executive branches of our government have once again
demonstrated that the grand tradition of willfully and maliciously idiotic
governance is alive and well in Saint Paul. Perhaps a winged unicorn floated
down from the heavens to convince legislators that they could easily pass a $925
billion bonding bill through the governor’s office when they had already vomited forth
approximately $293 million in bonding for transportation projects and the
University of Minnesota bioscience initiative – for a grand total of about $1.2
billion in bonding – far more than the 3 percent of the state’s revenue that
has been the rule for so many years. This profligate spending not only
endangers the state’s credit rating, but it will likely bring a plague of lesbian biker gangs down upon the state.
Lesbian biker gangs are wont to frequent locales of questionable taste and
credit, after all.

Compounding this circus of stupidity was Gov. Pawlenty, his
eyes alight with the fire of ineptitude, wielding his veto pen with the
judicious approach normally associated with crack-addled nymphomanical
squirrels. With but a stroke of red ink, away goes the gorilla habitat at the
Como Zoo – those damn dirty apes should expect nothing but the same great gobs
of crap they fling at zoo-goers. A simple slash to funding for those savages in
Red Lake – how dare they expect help from
the state in the form of a loan to the school district! And a quick twitch of
the wrist spells a monumental "fuck you" to the DFL controlled metro area,
where the Central Corridor, a project Gov. Pawlenty has been on board with, loses
the $70 million in bonding earmarked for it.

Now, I’m against excessive bondage as much as the next guy.
And the legislature obviously expected to bend over for a severe spanking after
being warned repeatedly by Pawlenty that exceeding the $825 million level would
bring justice as swift and as sure as the Hulkster has 22" pythons – for lo,
Gov. Pawlenty doth bring the thunder. But the cuts to the Central Corridor
light rail line funding are baffling on the surface. Even more so because this
loss of funding jeopardizes the $400 million federal dollars for the line. No
federal funding means no rail line, since Minnesota can’t afford new toys all by
itself, and Tim seems insistent on taking
his and going home

There are, of course, any number of people crediting
Pawlenty with political genius, saying that with time left in the legislative
session, an agreement can be hammered out to save light rail. That the governor
made a strong statement aimed at bringing the pure cold light of reality to an
out of control group of legislators. In reality, rather than making sensible
cuts to get the budget down to a level he deems reasonable, according
to Senate research
, he seems to have vindictively targeted DFL controlled
districts for his cuts. 98 percent of the budget cuts came from DFL districts.
And while the taut buttocks of the state’s volleyball players will suffer
little from the loss of a planned addition to the National Volleyball Center in
Rochester, the cut to the Central Corridor is an unwelcome visitor to the much-vaunted
nethers of Minnesota we call the metro area.

Luckily, our politicians have, over time, inured us to the
bizarre sensations that accompany these unwelcome visitors. For what would Minnesota be without the
cold, unlubricated hand of government intruding in parts unknown and heretofore unexplored?