Get the #Q)*?!#$ Off My Lawn

On the well-manicured lawn that is the Democratic primary,
there resides a two large groups of little old men shouting epithets at
one another, screaming for "these kids" to get
the fuck off their lawn
.

Sadly, these arthritic individuals aren’t Edina’s most senior residents, as one might
expect of these wizened figures glowering at any who would dare trespass on
their pristine grass. No, these crotchety creatures shaking their fists at one
another are the splintered remnants of the once proudly unified Democratic
party. Now, after months of spewing bile and vitriol in the most closely fought
primary in U.S.
election history, the party is split – a camel toe on the hot pants of American
politics, if you will.

One group sides with the party’s Luke Skywalker – Barack
Obama. With the Force as his guide and a lightsaber wit he has
systematically thwarted the ambitions of his opposition in most states without
a reputation for incest or goat
love
. Up until a few months ago, Hillary Clinton was the presumptive
nominee – basking in the collective adulation of the left-hand of American
politics with a nigh-unbelievable midichlorian count. Now she has been pushed off her pedestal and is seeking to parlay her
grip on America’s crotch into a last
desperate hope for a presidential nod.

Regardless of who is eventually chosen as the Democratic
nominee, the party is in trouble. With a significant percentage of each
candidates’ saying they’d
never vote for the other
, what used to look like a potential majority in
congress along with a nigh-certain seat in the Oval Office, complete with
nubile interns ready to provide service with a smile, is turning into a potential tossup if
Democrats embittered by the primary stay home or vote Green. Minnesota is a prime example of this phenomenon, with thousands of Obamites crying for blood in the event of what now looks like an unlikely Hillary win.

Normally, this all or nothing mentality would seem to be
something to be respected, or at least be a compelling argument for instant
runoff voting
. And I have nothing but admiration for those who are willing
to shoot themselves in the foot to take a stand against a cause they believe to
be immoral. However, in this case it’s not shooting themselves in the foot so
much as it is packing their collective rectum with C-4 and handing the
detonator to the Evil
Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight
.

Voting Green isn’t equated with explosive asses as a general
rule, but those are the stakes set by Democrats this year. According to
virtually every one of them, this next election is the one that will determine
the country’s position on the world stage – a plausible theory given that
Canadian money is now as valuable as the U.S. dollar. If that’s not a sign of America’s
pending doom, what is? But why is such a significant percentage of Hillary
Clinton and Barack Obama’s supporters so willing to throw away the chance to
set the direction of the country for years to come when the candidates’
policies bear incredible similarities, especially when stacked up against the
Republican competition?

The bottom line is that the entire election campaign has consisted
of talk about the necessity of change, about change for the better, about the
country being unable to afford four more years of the same failed foreign
policy. So why are so many Democrats already so bitter that they’ve made up
their minds before the chosen candidate, whoever it may be, has a chance to
make his or her platform known without getting a Democratic donkey punch
after every speech – thus risking the very change they claim to want more than
a sweaty night on a circle
bed
with Scarlet Johansson and the winners of The
Rake’s Most Beautiful People at the Capitol contest
?