Pawlenty's Spandex-Clad Aspirations

Every hero needs a sidekick. Tombstone had Hammerhead, Batman had Robin, Thundarr the Barbarian
had Princess Ariel and Ookla, and Paris Hilton had everyone. Repeatedly. Now,
in the twilight years of his life, John McCain yearns for the same sort of
comforting companionship that comes from a bosom buddy who can double as an
effective lackey in a pinch. And while recommendations for this coveted
position have streamed in from the furthest corners of the United States and beyond, some say
the baleful eye of the GOP’s very own
Methuselah
has come to rest in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Several names are being bandied about as potential choices
for McCain’s VP/life insurance policy, however Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has been
near or at the top of every one. And why wouldn’t he be? Our governor brings
suburban good looks, boyish charm that has consistently delivered astronomical
approval ratings despite nigh-constant legislative gridlock and the chance to
gain an edge in a state that hasn’t been in electoral play since Nixon in 1972.
So what if he lacks a sense of humor and we all shift uncomfortably in our
seats when he makes any sort of sexual
reference
? The fact remains that Gov. Pawlenty has known McCain for nearly
30 years and is rather well liked in the hallowed halls of GOP power brokers –
giving pundits across the country a chance to look down their noses, shuffle
papers, and expound endlessly on the subject, coming to the inevitable
conclusion that Pawlenty is the man for the job.

And why am I different from those pundits? Well, I swear
rather often, I’m more misanthropic, and I have a demonstrated appreciation
for
boobs.

So, while Gov. Timmy prepares to veto the recently passed
education bill, which he warned the legislature not to if they ever wanted to
see their precious Central Corridor, ever again, the unrelenting discussion
spews forth from cable news networks and online media whenever there’s a break
in the unspeakable clusterfuck that is the contest between Barack Obama and
Hillary Clinton. Who will be McCain’s running mate? The
Washington Post
was so desperate for news this past Sunday that they
even wrote a top five list of potential candidates. Of course, since no one
really has much clue what sort of decisions Sen. Senility hath wrought, some of
the candidates listed for the position of Senate tiebreaker and chief
presidential bootlicker stretched the bounds of plausibility and entered the
realm of OMGWTFLOLBBQ.

Take #5 for example – Mitt Romney. Not only was he exposed
during his campaign for the presidency as an overly-ambitious, ego-driven
lackwit, but this political chameleon with more hair gel than neurons has one
central roadblock preventing him from merrily prancing down the road to sipping
kiddie
cocktails
at McCain’s side in the White House (aside from that whole
general election thing) – Johnny despises him. Loathes him with the heat of
1,000 suns, even. And since Mr. McCain already likely feels the encroaching
doom of his mortality quite keenly, he’s not likely looking to give Romney a
job that’s but one ninja throwing star away from the presidency.

In any case, if Pawlenty does get the nod as the
presidential sidekick, the bigger question is whether he’d accept the
unflattering spandex outfit and wacky
catchphrases
that are often the job’s sad requirement. And why would he?
For the last two legislative sessions he’s made the DFL dance to his
machinations, and in just a few more years he may be able to run for the
presidency against Barack Obama. A few more years, and a possible withdrawal
from Iraq,
would do wonders to further divorce him from the Bush legacy – which is,
without a doubt, the 250lb transvestite hooker with questionable immigration
status pounds on the door of virtually every GOP campaign event, demanding the
money for last night.

And if Pawlenty doesn’t accept, it’d be quite sad for
McCain’s Straight Talk Express. Tears would flow as the campaign staffers
realize that Minnesota’s desperation for
recognition on a national level – the same desperation that leads the state to
lay claim to celebrities with tenuous Minnesota ties at best
– won’t work in their favor this election cycle.

But really, who are we kidding? How often does the office of
the vice presidency get offered to a man? Here we have a savvy politician with
ambition and a hunger to reduce Democrats to groveling and simpering lumps of
flesh, fighting for scraps from the very government they should be controlling.
Would he say no to his Great American Hero? Would he defy the call to arms?
Could he resist the siren song of this real life Captain America,
forswearing the clinging spandex and short shorts of the sidekick, possibly
forever? Could he resist the temptation of vice presidential booty calls given
that Mary has denied him her womanly charms for so long, so very long?

I say thee nay.