Tweak Locally, Think Globally

Green is the new watchword for consumer products and goods.
We can track our carbon footprints, find out how many miles our food traveled
to our plates, and make a point only to have toe-curling
carnal gymnastics with Prius drivers
— so why do we insist on persecuting
those entrepreneurial souls
trying to provide a local option to area
pot-heads, tweakers, and cuddle-puddlers?

Despite law enforcement’s best efforts, as much as 80 percent
of drugs in Minnesota arrive from warmer
climes, especially Mexico.
This, of course, begs the question as to why illegal immigrants are demonized
while most of the folks causing cross-border shenanigans are happy to leave the
country upon making their deliveries, with a stop in Tijuana for a relaxing day
at the spa, and perhaps a donkey show. It also represents a vexing conundrum.
In a world where we supporting our local farmers is a nigh-Stalinistic
directive, where people trade in their SUVs for effete gas-sipping roller skates,
and where food labels have become nightmarish non-Euclidean landscapes with
organic designations and seals of approval handed down by eldritch beings older
than time itself, why do people not pump more money into our local economy by
tweaking locally as well?

Instead of jailing these entrepreneurial souls, where
they’re more than certain to make recreational pharmaceuticals for penal
distribution from a slurry of toilet water, Kool Aid, powdered laundry detergent and tears, we should be celebrating them. Don’t look at it as 18.4 pounds of illicit narcotics. We should view it as 18.4 pounds of premium Minnesota agriculture. And not only do these enterprising young men
reduce the carbon footprint of Minnesotan addicts, but they also contribute to
geopolitical stability. If we choose local drugs, we reduce demand for narcotic
happiness from Mexico.
In turn, this reduces the power of Mexican drug kingpins, allowing police in Northern Mexico to have something vaguely resembling hope
in their war on drugs. On the other hand, anything
that keeps chubby prepubescent boys gainfully employed
while getting some
exercise can’t be all bad.

Regardless, this new sustainable approach to drugs will
yield benefits all around. The quality of product will likely rise, as the meth
flowing through the border is only about 70 to 75 percent pure — American
craftsmanship always wins out in the end. It’s better for the environment, as
shipping is dramatically decreased and trucks won’t be crashing through
pristine wilderness areas during high speed chases with the border patrol or Captain
Planet
. Plus, it keeps money in the local economy. Millions of dollars that
once flowed south will stay in Minnesotan coffers, enriching Best Buy, Target,
local liquor stores, chemical supply warehouses, and local weapons dealers
throughout the metro area and beyond.

Not to mention another benefit — with increased need for
drug enforcement, Minneapolis and Saint Paul will have more reason to exercise
the loopholes in the new
property tax cap
that allow the cities to raise property taxes beyond the
limit to pay for new police officers. This call for additional peace officers
reduces unemployment and underemployment, plus provides more news for the
ailing newspaper industry to cover, what with the increased prevalence of
neighborhood meth lab explosions, police shoot outs and high speed chases.

And with the plight of the family farmer constantly in the
news, this push for a more sustainable drug trade couldn’t come at a more
opportune time. Ready access to fertilizer, ample tillable land and isolated
homesteads with few nosy neighbors investigating odd smells mean huge windfalls for
enterprising farmers looking to capitalize on the new craze. Buffalo,
MN could potentially be Minnesota’s next boom town — reaping not
only economic benefits, but rapid increases in diversity, local entertainment,
and notoriety.

Of course, these benefits would not be without drawbacks.
The surburban traffic that once passed through Minneapolis’
less savory neighborhoods in search of their fix would move north to Buffalo. And if there’s
one thing no man should wish on his neighbor, it’s an influx of people from
Lakeville.