Keeping the Peace Means Communication and a Warm Taser

While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a
fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for
concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the
Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento
Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it’s examining all
threats, no matter how unlikely.

Saint Paul’s
own plans
for dealing with malcontents, such as corralling protesters in bamboo cages, a
strategy code-named "The John McCain experience," are already well known. But
even as Ramsey County invests
in tasers
and autonomous independently targeting turrets, they can likely
find other useful tools by digging in the Department of Homeland security’s
arsenal. In fact, at a recent counterterrorism conference, a book of
slang terms
(PDF), coined by a variety of street gangs, white supremacist
groups, a variety of ethnicities, and, strangely enough, the judiciary, was
circulated to help officers of the peace better understand those who would do
harm to their innocent charges.

While the primary threat to the RNC remains terrorism and
unwashed hippies swaying in unison during group sit-ins and marches, the possibility
of the Latin Kings, Mandingo Warriors, or Minnesota Court of Appeals judges
growing militantly political and staging an assault on the Xcel can’t be
discounted. And, failing that, it’s unlikely the various gangs have forgotten
how much money they once made in the mid-80s selling various powders to rabidly
capitalistic Republicans frothing at the mouth for junk bonds and snorting coke
off Jennifer Beals’ taut buttocks.

This bible of colloquialisms, ripe with
charming observations about the nature of feminism, social commentary and keen insight on the seven habits of highly effective prison bitches,
will act as security forces’ guardo camino, enabling them to protect the
right-leaning stalwart souls come from all four corners of our great country to
assemble and safely rejoice in a
decision that was made half a year ago
.

We at the Defenestrator, however, want to ensure all can
identify the malcontents in the crowd sure to lay siege
to the House that Norm Coleman Built.
Empowering the citizenry with such insider knowledge will help ensure our
safety and deter the criminals who will surely seek to disrupt this shining
example of the democratic process. While the full list of terms is linked
above, examples of terms you may hear from the hardened criminals in the
streets and our judicial system are listed below.

  • BEEF STEAK…..(Rap)…..Refers
    to the penis.
  • NINJA TURTLES…..(Prison)…..A
    team of Officers dressed in riot gear in preparation to quell a riot, or
    to conduct a forced removal of an offender. The term is derived from
    the fact that the Officers resemble the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle
    (Cartoon Characters) in this gear.
  • BEES
    KNEE’s
    …..(Latin Kings)…..An extraordinary person, thing, idea, The
    ultimate
  • BOOYAH…..(Street)…..Word
    used to simulate the report of a shotgun
  • CHARGE OF THE GODDESS…..(Occult)…..Originally
    written by Doreen Valiente, the charge gives the story of the message of
    the Goddess and her children. The High Priestess often recites the charge
    at the full moon Esbat.
  • HORSE FEATHERS…..(Latin
    Kings)…..A term for nonsense; lies (Same as applesauce, banana oil)

So what have we learned from this sampling of the
nomenclature of America’s
most dire threats to peace and order? We’ve learned that:

  • criminals
    have an appreciation for early 90s action figures,
  • Wiccans
    are a danger to national security,
  • judging
    by their slang, the Latin Kings are a roving band of malicious octogenarians,
  • and the
    Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
    Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the
    Sacramento Intelligence unit, could’ve saved a great deal of money by
    skipping this exercise altogether and making use of Urban Dictionary.

Of course, if you have favorites I didn’t mention here, take
a look in
the book
and mention them in the comments below.