Oil Wrestling

With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema
for the last few months, it’s understandable that various politicians would be
spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation
squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so
"unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do
anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of
oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the
expense of honest, god-fearing, patriotic, SUV-driving Americans who want
nothing more than to be left alone to mourn for the loss of American
primacy in the penis wars.

Yesterday our Fearless Leader called for Congress to allow drilling
in coastal waters that oil companies are currently barred from exploring.
To oil companies, America is like the girlfriend who considers the back door
off-limits. To the callous and crass frat boys of our petroleum producers, any
hole that may offer a payoff is one worth exploring – thus setting the stage
for the battle
between reduced gas prices and social benefits like stable ecosystems and
unpolluted water.

Of course, that’s a false dichotomy.

Given that there are 68 million acres of land that are, as
of yet, unexplored and undeveloped by oil companies despite those lands being
opened for drilling in within the last seven years, it’s unlikely any oil would
be pumped in from offshore rigs within the next decade. Not to mention the
simple fact that the 2 million barrels of oil a day potentially drawn from
those reserves would be the proverbial drop in the bucket by the time the crude
starts a’flowin’. Bottom line – you’d be more likely to improve your economic
position by filming your
girlfriend playing Wii Fit in her underoos and parlaying that into a TRL appearance
than by encouraging oil companies to go spelunking in coastal waters.

So ignoring the fact that Americans would be offering up
their most pristine and unspoiled areas of wilderness in return for Jack and
shit, in the end it’s not a choice between reducing gas prices and preserving
the environment. It’s a question of wasting resources while we desperately
grasp at a dying way of life. Even though we would prefer the approach taken by
Luke Skywalker, fervently
denying the truth as told by Lord Vader, when James Earl Jones speaks the
cold hard facts, we must listen. And the truth is, there is more economic
benefit to be found in dedicating the money oil companies might spend to
alternative power research, whether in cellulose biofuels, allowing food to be
produced for eating, not fuel, renewable sources like solar or wind power, or
cold fusion – thus
providing us with the damn flying cars we were promised oh so many years
ago.

And since Minnesota leads in cellulose ethanol
research and has a thriving wind-power industry, this approach would allow us
to offer a big "fuck you" to the gulf states, several of which suck down tax dollars like a
crack-starved Tyrone
Biggums. And if there’s anything a Republican respects, it’s self-sufficiency.