The Rake Magazine

After noticing my previous post, someone asked me how a Guido could afford an M3. Well there is a difference between common Guidos (also known as Larrys) and Gold Chain Guidos. Guidos work in the chain store, Gold Chain Guidos own multiple chain stores (likely through some Ponzi scheme.)

An automotive badge frequently accessorized with a gold chain

While Gold Chain Guidos are fond of BMWs, the Hummer H2 or H3 Alpha is their favorite ride. If you would like to know more about this species, simply take a little field trip to Bellanote' in Minneapolis on Thursday night.

My favorite Madonna. From Eddie Munch. Looks troubled.

Saints are frequently (always? help me as I am not Catholic) depicted with halos around their heads. In the car biz, there are certain revered cars that emit a similar glow. And few halo cars are worshiped more fervently than the BMW M3.

That is why the first notices on the latest model about to hit our shores soon are as troubling as Munch's Madonna (depicted above.) In fact, if you believe the English motoring press (as you should because it is the best) things look very dark indeed.

They say its just not snappy enough (for an M3, even with 420 HP, my God) it lacks steering feel (for an M3) and is a little porky (for an M3, as all have been compared to the first beloved iteration in mid-80s, the bad boy with the spoiler).

Personally I think something Faustian is going on. I believe someone whispered into some southern chu-man's ear that the current M3 is a little too edgy for the typical American gold chain guido. If the Oracles are right, then BMW planned it this way.

And the thought of it makes me mad as you know where.

Like Guidos? then this is your flick. Or if this is too taxing to watch, try the story in more literate form. The comic book is for sale BTW:

Yo.

I was just asked why anyone would drive an "obscene" SUV like the Porsche Cayenne. To me, this is obvious. It allows anyone to drive like a Soprano while sending other SUVs to sleep with the fishes. (and more on that topic here)

If that does not convince you then let me make the business case. Porsche needed this SUV to up its cash flow and stay in business.
In other words, they did it for the money to eventually finance new racing programs and the sports cars we all love. At least we car guys (and gals) who don't ask stoopid questions like this at parties.

And while it pains me to admit it, I agree with Porsche's logic. While the Cayenne may indeed be a criminal example of excess for people with no taste (unlike those with an appetite for true sports cars with engines that are vented al' fresco) the worst fate to befall Porsche would be for it to be acquired by GM and lose its independence.

You saying I have no taste? You like the taste of burnt rubber?

(p.s. I am hoping I don't get whacked by telling you that the Jeep Cherokee SRT-8 can pummel the Cayennes' chili pepper pistons any day. The W-10 VW Touareg can too--if you can find one in the U.S.)

Mercedes is so back with the C class. I mean I just saw one in black and its more bitching than Johnny Cash* at Folsom prison in full stereophonic sound. Speaking of which, I just came across this totally bitchin' website cover: www.stereophonics.com/home php

*and as Big&Rich remind us in their first and best album to date "Charley Pride** was the man in black, Rock&Roll used to be about Johnny Cash, what-cha think about that?"

(**Now is someone gonna help Charley with his site?, I am booked with other causes at the moment, all good.)

C riders can rejoice. (e.d. I mean to say that Mercedes is going back to showing their face--i.e. the grill.)

While I am not one to make predictions (only bad businesspeople do that, stupid foo' businesspeople) I will offer an observation.

I think the new Merc C class looks really "hot" in silver. That may mean (while I am not one to make predictions) that you may soon see alot of them on the road. In fact, I am so dumbfounded by how cool this car looks that adjectives fail me.

I have to admit that I did not always feel this way about the new C. The first time I saw one it was done up in a dark blue hue that made me ask Mercedes "now see what you have done." I mean, it looked a little bit like a 3-series. And all things being equal, I would rather have a 3-series than a C class.

Till I saw this new C-class in silver. That is when I realized that Mercedes has done something different with this new car. The design is better resolved than the BMW. It also handles like the BMW while preserving a torque curve that's about as flat as Gwen Stefani (nothing over developed, which is nice). Best of all, it costs about the same as as that milky white rice cake called the Toyota Avalon.

And I don't see any Road Rake reader, or rider, in that kinda car.