The Rake Magazine

Since I spent one third of my life at a Figure Skating Rink, wearing skating costumes that were so small underwear was NOT an option... I figure it's time for me to come clean on what I think of the sport.

When I was 15, I discovered that my opportunity to live a normal teenage life, with sleepovers and spin-the-bottle games with boys, would conflict with my six-day-a-week skating practices. It was then that I knew the time had come. It was time to say goodbye to a sport that had taught me perseverance, determination, and that jealousy really is the root of all evil.

As the U.S. National Figure Skating Championships are held this year in my hometown, this very week, the memories and nightmares of my Figure Skating past are all coming back. I told my editor, Cristina, that I wanted to write about Figure Skating and my experience, but that it is virtually impossible for me to write about all my experiences in one blog post, therefore I will be dragging this out for a while.

Yes, therapy would spare you all the grave details, but admit it — you
all enjoy a good story that involves pretty people in pretty clothes, with a story line that would make a fantastic Lifetime Movie of the Week.

So, while you are watching in awe the unfolding of the National Figure
Skating Championships this weekend — wishing it was YOU wearing that beautiful little costume with your hair looking perfect after landing a triple toe (yes, I could land a triple toe loop) and getting a standing ovation from your audience — be glad you are NOT the one competing this weekend.

Before you continue, be forewarned: I must take my time developing this story if I am to remain completely forthcoming. I am going to need to go to the "Skating Spectacular" on Sunday to see, in person, those skaters who sacrificed their education, their childhood, and their innocence to go for the gold.

Come Monday, I will focus on My True Story: "My life as a competitive Figure Skater — I have a Gold Medal, but..."

Ok... I made a promise to my husband and kids that — although I am
known to get a little out of control — they would never have to worry about me pulling a Britney Spears. Well, I pulled a Britney, but it wasn't my fault! :-)

Here is what happened.

My whole life I have dreamed of swimming with Dolphins, so my husband found a place in Mexico called Wet and Wild, where, after being given THOROUGH instructions with the Dolphin trainers, you can actually jump in the pool and swim with the Dolphins.

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I was!!!!!! In my mind I pictured being like one of those woman you see at Sea World posing in a pretty suit on top of two Dolphins swimming full speed ahead.

Well, it wasn't quite like that.

First of all, I was put in a group with five kids under the age of 10 who wanted to jump in without listening to the rules. Big mistake on their part. One at a time, each of these little rug rats came out of the pool disappointed by the fact that the Dolphins were not cooperating. Not only were the kids bummed, but their parents, who all had cameras ready and wallets empty, came away with nothing more than an angry kid in a wet bathing suit smelling of bad fish!

I was not giving up on my dream though! I had a plan: Get to know the
trainers and listen very carefully.

After chomping at the bit and making small talk with Edgar (the head trainer), it was my turn to fulfill my dream. I jumped in the pool without thinking about two very important details. First, I was wearing a bikini; and second, I had on more ornaments than a Christmas tree. What can I say? I don't go anywhere, even swimming, without covering myself in jewelry. Sickening? Yes. But that's me!!!!!!

Edgar guided me to where I needed to go, and after a little bit of flirting (with Edgar) and watching my husband roll his eyes, I was READY!!!!!!!

I did as Edgar instructed me to. I floated on my stomach and positioned my feet facing down, waiting for "Alex" and "Keeley Kat" to come and whisk me up in the air for the big ride across the pool.

Well, as I was swept up in the air by the two Dolphins and whisked at full speed across the pool it never occurred to me that I was being videotaped by several people, and that the bottoms of my bathing suit were... well... how should I put this?... OFF of my butt and ON the Dolphins.

After I took a deep breath and saw the horrified look on several people's faces, I did what any person who just fulfilled the fantasy of a lifetime would do. I made every person with a camera promise not to post the video of my very embarrassed 40-year-old butt on YOUTUBE!

So far, so good! My only concern is the one guy who pretended he didn't speak English and refused my plea to respectfully erase the footage.

As I told my family... If a picture of me standing half naked on top of two dolphins should ever surface... I will simply deny deny deny... unless it just so happens that some hot 20 year old also went swimming with Dolphins at "Wet and Wild" and lost her bottoms too!!!!

P.S. Much to the dismay of my husband, the navel jewelry stayed on, so I guess I will have to keep wearing it. :)

Thanks Alex and Keeley Kat!!!!!!!!!!!!