The Rake Magazine

It has become quite obvious in recent days that loyal service just isn't rewarded within the legislature anymore. As recently as a handful of years ago, long-tenured legislators and officials would be shown the public's appreciation through pompous public ceremonies and the occasional backroom smorgasbord of hookers and blow. But Lindsey Lohan's rates have gone through the roof, and tight budgets have reduced the budget for recreational pharmaceuticals in the Senate to almost nil. As a result, the legislature hasn't put together a proper farewell for our very own soon-to-be departing state transportation commissioner slash lieutenant-governor - Carol Molnau.

Since Tim Pawlenty's election in 2002, Molnau has tirelessly served our state as a triple threat - lieutenant governor, transportation commissioner and national arm wrestling champion. Her self-proclaimed transportation expertise, which has been amply demonstrated by such deftly executed projects as the Wakota Bridge project, and her masterful handling of the 35W/62 interchange project, where her requirement that all contractors bidding on the project pay construction costs up front and then be reimbursed by the state resulted in no bidders coming forward to take the work, stalling the project and saving the state millions in 2006.

Of course, Molnau has had her detractors. Some call her leadership asinine, accusing her of being an unqualified bumpkin who managed to drive Mn/DOT into the ditch like a farm girl drunk on lust and moonshine attempting to make it to Sartel on her daddy's tractor. Unfortunately, the tractor in question vibrates quite distractingly once it hits 5 miles per hour, making it hard for our heroine to keep her eyes on the road. Of course, it doesn't help that the roads the tractor has to travel on, in the words of several legislators, are "crumbling," or that the process for awarding the hundreds of millions of dollars at stake for the new 35W bridge was approximately as comprehensible as Britney Spears' thought processes. In the meantime, she'll just need to rev that fucker up and jump the gap in true Duke boys fashion. And if the tractor won't cut it, maybe she can borrow one of those brand new F-150s Flatiron imported from Colorado for the project.

Regardless, Molnau is most likely on her way out today, so why focus on the pain of the past when we can build a brighter future? The king is dead, long live the king, and all that, right? Well, in order to build that brighter future, we'll need a new transportation commissioner. Someone who can unite, rather than divide. Someone who can bring hope to all - from the unwashed masses on the 5 to the Chaska housewife deftly maneuvering her lumbering Expedition from pothole to pothole.

And who would my recommendation be for this august post, assuming Molnau goes the way of the nigh-mythical Yecki? Who could be our beacon, our ray of hope that will bring happiness and My Little Pony back to this great state?

Laurie Coleman

Mrs. Coleman would be the ideal choice to resurrect our transportation infrastructure from the blasted, post-apocalyptic landscape we're greeted with on a daily basis. She learned urban renewal from Norm Coleman - a man who has played both sides of the aisle in his political career with grace and aplomb, not to mention a certain amount of opportunism. She can sell ideas in ways that Carol Molnau never dreamed. This former runway model has already convinced me to install a Blo & Go, though I was under the impression it offered an entirely different feature set that would have more utility for today's man on the go. I've even heard that, in preparation for the call from Gov. Pawlenty, she has devised a way to monetize Minnesota's surplus of icy Scandinavian blondes, a resource our great state is known for. According to Coleman's projections, this new export could likely negate the need for the recently passed gas tax.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that she's hot. We could use a little eye-candy to distract us from the politicking and rampant idiocy. Besides, did not Keats say, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,-that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know"? Which, after taking a spin through the photos of our legislators, goes a long way toward explaining why truth comes at such a premium up at the capitol these days.

Since taking office in 2003, Tim Pawlenty has done an admirable job of holding to his conservative values and staving off those in the legislature who would pluck that last bastion of political innocence. From saying no to an omnibus higher education bill last May to drawing the line at the appointment of a state poet laureate, our fearless leader has never allowed the fumbling advances of the DFL to arouse his executive passions and cajole him into doing something rash, something he'd regret in the harsh light of the Minnesota morning, possibly even something that would fund bridges, highways and transit. His steadfastness in the face of judgment clouding sex pots like Sen. Tom "The Sex Hog" Saxhaug has served us well, sparing us from what would've been a near certain call for a state mime.

Yesterday however, our pure and chaste governor's defenses were finally ground down, the sultry cajoling of the assembled legislators laying our stalwart executive gently down as his few remaining objections were overridden in both the Minnesota House and Senate. Afterwards, Governor Pawlenty sat stunned and ashamed, calling the events of the day "Ridiculous in scope and magnitude," and fretting over whether the legislature would call like it said it would, or if Eagan would lose all respect for him. Sen. Saxhaug was oblivious to the governor's concern, joining the rest of the DFL in hailing the transportation bill's passage as a great victory for the people of Minnesota, making somewhat dubious connections to recent disasters and feverishly penning his "I never thought it would happen to me, but..." letter to Penthouse Forum.

Of course, what truly stands a chance of being lost as the governor attempts to find ways to cope, perhaps even standing in solidarity with other wronged public figures, isn't the fact that Minnesotans will be coping with the first hike in the gas tax in 20 years, or that Hennepin county residents may start to wonder just what they did to deserve the legislative application of the shocker as a quarter cent sales tax increase devoted to transit projects gets piled on top of last summer's referendum-free sales tax increase aimed at funding the Twins' newly Santana-free stadium. It's the dictatorial ball-peen hammer to the huevos given to the six House Republicans who crossed the aisle and voted to override the governor's veto that will likely get lost in the shuffle.

You see, neither party enjoys when its members step out of line - especially when such antics result in a 91-41 legislative gang-bang that leaves the governor of our fair state wondering why he was subjected to such treatment when it's patently obvious he hired Carol Molnau for just such an occasion. In this case, the Republicans who claim to have voted their conscience are being threatened with, according to Rep. Ron Erhardt, "loss of media privileges, staff members, and research resources." Maybe if we're lucky, House Minority Leader Marty Seifert will be caught planting dead hookers and a small meth lab in Rep. Erhardt's office. Regardless of the outcome, it's good to know that even though Michelle Bachmann has left the building, there's still some bat shit crazy left in the air.