The Rake Magazine

Even misanthropic political bloggers need vacations. So while the battle for the title of King and Queen of MN politics rages, I'll be taking the Soul Plane to Europe for two weeks to enjoy Mediterranean breezes and purchase the bones of a saint and other religious artifacts. We'll resume our regular cynical ramblings with antisocial undertones on Wednesday, July 23!

Photos by Denis Jeong

Nearly two months ago, we embarked on a quest unprecedented in the history of Minnesota politics. Our pursuit — nay — our calling from a higher being, was to seek out the most beautiful, spectacular, and otherwise hot people who labor at the Capitol — in obscurity or otherwise. The response was overwhelming, with hundreds of comments and e-mails singling out the stunning men and women who turn the wheels of legislation.

Of course, there were roadblocks, not least of which was the MN House of Representatives, according to several reports, "suggesting" that House members not participate in the contest in any way and a persistent error message popping up when House members tried to access the site. But through the ingenuity, perseverance, and profoundly inappropriate suggestions of outfits for winners to wear to their photo shoots by The Rake's editorial staff, we found a way to bring you, our readers the unbelievably sexy hotdish that is the 2008 Most Beautiful People at the Capitol awards.

And because our readers made this possible, it's up to you to pick the King and Queen of Minnesota politics. Take a moment to decide which one man and one woman in the photos below gives you that odd tingly feeling — whose smoldering stare leaps forth from the electronic page to make you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Once you've wiped the sweat from your brow, post a comment below to tell us your choices. We'll be throwing a coronation party later this summer to announce the Alpha and Omega of Minnesotan political beauty and allowing you to marvel at their glory and majesty. A memory to treasure for a lifetime, to be sure.

The Five Most Beautiful Women at the Capitol

(Click images for full size.)

Laura Blubaugh
Age: 26

Hometown: Elmhurst, IL
Party Affiliation: DFL

One of the most stunning administrators in the history of the Senate Health, Housing, and Family Security Committee, Blubaugh arrived for her photo shoot intent on posing with a handwritten sign calling for universal healthcare. After some discussion, however, it was decided that the focus should be on her fabulously toned legs, rather than a controversial policy platform.

Lest ye think she's a simple policy wonk blessed from on high by a happy genetic accident, Blubaugh attacks her pastimes with the same zealotry she does equal access to healthcare for all. After work hours, she's more often than not risking the aforementioned spectacular limbs boating through local white water in a kayak. And after emerging from the river like an adrenaline-fueled Aphrodite fresh from the foam, she finds time to take in plenty of live music, going out two or three times a week to take in anything from Greg Brown to Sigur Ros.



Rachel Hicks
Age: 23

Hometown: Brooklyn Park, MN
Party Affiliation: DFL

Rachel Hicks, legislative assistant for Sen. Patricia Torres Ray, looks nothing like a former rugby player. She does, however, have the drive to advocate for immigration rights and feels an intense responsibility to help do something positive for the immigrant community. In the meantime, she does the rest of the metro area a favor by moonlighting as a beer tub girl on salsa nights at the Loring Pasta Bar.

When not ministering to her adoringly thirsty congregation at the Loring, Hicks is an avid traveler — already making her mark on every continent save Antarctica and living in Argentina for a time. Through it all, she has stayed close to her family, especially, in a Skywalker-esque twist, her twin sister — whom she keeps close to her heart with a tattoo of a double helix DNA strand on her lower back. In fact, in high school at the ISEF-International Science and Engineering Fair, the twins took second place in the heated competition with an entry titled "Twins Two, It Takes Two: Phase Two".



Melissa Reed
Age: 29

Hometown: Minneapolis
Party Affiliation: Impressively non-partisan

Leave it to the City of Minneapolis to employ a stunning, scooter-riding, world-traveling brunette with spectacular taste in liquor as a lobbyist.

Melissa Reed, the stunning, scooter-riding, world-traveling brunette with spectacular taste in liquor in question, is uniquely qualified to argue for her hometown. She grew up on Lake Harriet and went gallivanting across the globe — from Italy to Morocco. She even lived in New Orleans as a civics, law and world history teacher for Teach for America only to return home as one of Minneapolis' biggest boosters. And along the way she's picked up that special something that turns heads in every room, despite being directed to dress like a proverbial nun for her photo shoot.

Outside of her efforts at the Capitol to get the funding, programs and respect Minneapolis so richly deserves despite its reputation for hedonism and occasional depravity, Reed develops women's health curriculum for religious organizations through a non-profit group and raises money to bring disadvantaged New Orleans kids to Minneapolis for seminars on political activism every year. That she accomplishes all this while engaged in a Sisyphean quest for the ultimate bacon cheeseburger and keeping her household well-stocked with high-end Scotch makes her all the more impressive.



Regina Garza
Age: 26

Hometown: Roanoke, VA
Political Affiliation: DFL

Handpicked by former Sen. Jane Ranum to join her staff while working in D.C. as an advocate for labor and immigrant rights, the petite lady in red was brought here by the seductive, yet deceptive, song of Minnesota summers — learning too late that the rumors she heard about the state's other seasons are all too true. She keeps herself warm by serving as Sen. Mee Moua's Judiciary committee administrator, keeping a watchful eye on public safety and the courts while working unofficially on immigration policy initiatives for the senator.

A self-described public policy wonk and political animal by nature, Garza still finds time to get away from the grasping tendrils of the legislative arena. Having met her fiancé, a competitive ballroom dancer, while salsa dancing, she continues to learn in the hopes of one day joining him in competition. She is also living proof of the Capitol's effects on the mental state of all who work there - her tenuous grip on sanity causing her to run the Boston Marathon and planning to follow it up with the Twin Cities Marathon as well. But her drive and passion, combined with that little bit of crazy, makes for a striking package.



Mary Lahammer
Age: 34

Hometown: St. Louis Park
Political Affiliation: "None whatsoever"

TPT's politics reporter, program host and documentarian extraordinaire is generally known for her impartiality and political acumen, but there's an extremely vocal subset of her audience watching for the disarming combination of her nigh-angelic good looks and choice of footwear that brings most mortal men to their knees. And despite being one of the most recognizable political journalists in the state, her career in public television has taken her far afield of the Capitol as well — from a pastoral week for a documentary on Isle Royal to a 17-course meal with Fidel Castro and Jesse Ventura.

From her honeyed-blonde hair to her white leather high-heeled boots, Lahammer isn't one to do things by halves — living an intense life away from Saint Paul’s hallowed legislative grounds as well. A recent foray into cliff-jumping in the Boundary Waters is only the latest example of her fervent desire to live what most would call an exhausting lifestyle. Training for the Olympic marathon trials and hauling 1,000 rolls of sod for an extreme landscaping project with her husband, who shared a 12 mile run with Lahammer on their first date, is seen as the norm in Minnesota's first family of political journalism.

And to make sure the next generation is prepared to take up arms for the cause, Lahammer's daughter's first words were, "More Capitol news mommy, please."

The Five Most Beautiful Men at the Capitol

(Click images for full size.)

Judd Schetnan
Age: 35

Hometown: Fergus Falls, MN
Party Affiliation: "I work for the governor"

Arguments about transit within the hallowed halls of the Capitol often get ugly, but the Met Council's transit czar, Judd Schetnan, looks damn good after helping deliver a solid session for transit, despite threatened funding cuts for the Central Corridor — not to mention an angry GOP core out for blood after an overridden gubernatorial veto. And it's obvious the Met Council's transit lobbyist understands the heavy responsibility that comes with his runner's physique, deep tan and somewhat roguish charm — looking to help lawmakers find ways to fit public transportation into an already strapped budget to help the entire state live up to its potential.

Of course, now that the hard fought session is over, Schetnan is enjoying a well-deserved break. He spends as much time as possible lately with his wife and two sons, not to mention trips to his cabin just south of his hometown, as well as his boat on the St. Croix to work on deepening his tan - all the better to woo lawmakers in '09 when the budget forecast is even more dismal than it was this year.



Nick Busse
Age: 26

Hometown: Jordan, MN
Party Affiliation: decidedly non-partisan

Busse, despite his obvious charm and good looks, was less than thrilled upon being the first nominee for this singular honor. However, after realizing the damage was already done, he decided to indulge his co-workers and allow himself to be enshrined as one of the hottest men to ever write for the Session Daily and Weekly.

And despite this break to recognize his contributions to beautifying Saint Paul, this University of Minnesota graduate's veins pulse in tune with the ebb and flow of legislation — even proposing to his wife at the Capitol. But let it not be said that Busse's beauty is one-dimensional — when not furiously reporting on House activities, he runs Saintpaulitan.com, a blog devoted to showcasing the finer side of Saint Paul, and the occasional squirrel, to all those who fear to tread where legislators dwell.



Peter Brickwedde
Age: 24

Hometown: Minneapolis
Party Affiliation: DFL

As one of the men who keeps the State and Local Government Operations and Oversight committee functioning smoothly, one might imagine Sen. Ann Rest's legislative assistant would be drunk on the heady nectar that is political power. However, this undeniably dreamy veteran of the Minnesota Senate is well-grounded, saying he's working in one of the greatest environments he could ask for and demonstrating his modesty by downplaying the hordes of salivating colleagues who demanded his rightful place on the list of the state's finest.

When not wandering the halls of the Capitol, Brickwedde is a sports fanatic, contributing his journeyman labors to the Senate softball team and honing his already impressive Hebrew physique by playing tennis regularly. And when "The Brick" isn't in action, he's often enjoying some well-earned down time watching the Vikings, Twins, Wild, or sumo wrestling on "The Ocho."



Ron Latz
Age: 44

Hometown: Golden Valley, MN
Political Affiliation: DFL

The lone legislator in this roundup, Sen. Latz cuts a striking figure posing in the retail and housing complex he helped build at Excelsior and Grand as a St. Louis Park city councilmember. His work in the legislature is no less striking — having played a pivotal role this session in the 35W bridge collapse victim compensation bill. The majority whip from Senate District 44 has served in the MN Senate since 2006 and for four years before that in the MN House.

The senator also maintains a thriving criminal and employment law practice and spends as much time as possible with his family, traveling from soccer game to soccer game watching his kids and waking up before dawn to maintain the what are, according to one anonymous commenter, the "impressive shoulders and steely jaw that draw jealous stares from his GOP colleagues."

But Sen. Latz isn't simply a masculine figure for St. Louis Park, Hopkins and Golden Valley housewives to gaze upon with barely disguised desire. He also indulges his artistic side by indulging his inner Von Trapp with his family — singing and playing piano with his wife and kids.



Dave Gillette
Age: 30

Hometown: Minnetrista, MN
Political Affiliation: Card carrying member of the press

The avant-garde creator of a whole new form of video-based illustrated political commentary, Gillette uses his massive drawing muscles for incisive critique while wooing his public with boyish charm and well-developed forearms that would make Olive Oyl swoon in lustful abandon. An avid spectator of politics, Dave combined his passion for illustration with a college-born near-obsession with video documentation that was further fueled by a comedy show he helped create for Channel 45.

When not offering views sketched out in ink, Gillette is an avid outdoorsman, having just returned from a week in the Boundary Waters. He also just bought a home, allowing hopeful viewers a stable location to maintain their watchful vigil on the artistically tousled commentator.

Today marks the beginning of a new dark age for Minnesota. It is a time of injustice. A time in which brother turns on brother and LOLcats replace poetry and prose as the high art of the day.  Should the scales not be balanced in short order, the post-industrial wasteland depicted in the upcoming remake of Death Race may replace our bucolic Midwestern paradise.
 

I speak, of course, of the pending cuts to the state's public safety budget that took effect today. To make the fuzzy math of state government budgets work, nearly $5 million was trimmed from the district courts and public defense board. When you're looking at the looming specter of a $1 billion deficit, this seems like peanuts. A torrid night with Tara Reid would cost more, and at first glance, the long term ramifications seem far more dire. However, these cuts translate into a nightmarish reality that is far more frightening than even the desiccated visage of Cyndi Brucato, who, like Lord Voldemort, must feed nightly on the blood of unicorns and virgins to maintain her horrific unlife.

I speak, of course, of the already overworked and understaffed courts. The average public defender currently operates under a caseload of between 70 and 130 cases. The budget cuts that went into effect today bring with them a reduction of 72 more positions - all attorneys. These cuts come as a combination of attrition and layoffs, some of which have already happened. And increasing the caseload further does not bode well for Minnesota's justice system.

Of course, the average Minnesotan might not believe these cuts will have any effect on their life. Content to continue on in their prosaic daily routine, these citizens are blithely unaware of the danger this situation poses. Most law-abiding people assume that, as long as they violate no statutes laid down by the duly elected authorities and follow the directions of the friendly Taser-wielding officers of the law, the pending failure of our courts of law will have no bearing on them. They are sadly mistaken.

Not only will court dates take significantly longer to come by, since public defenders' will be stretched to their limits, but the quality of representation will likely fall almost as fast as Verne Troyer's romantic appeal upon his "partner's" comment that he's "...hung like a 2'8" man". And because the accused will have less than ideal representation, many offenders who are actually guilty of the crimes they're accused of will walk free on appeal, or as a result of mistrials, or any other of a multitude of procedural problems. To say nothing of the ongoing pain of victims' just looking for justice and closure.

The ongoing need for closure, increased rate of convictions overturned on appeal and longer wait for criminals to go behind bars as their day in court gets pushed farther and farther out will create a culture of lawlessness. Vigilante bands desperate for justice will roam the mean streets of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. The recent trend toward smaller, more fuel efficient cars will suddenly be reversed as bulletproof glass, steel plate and 30 millimeter chainguns become the automotive accessories of choice. The highways will be battlefields as commuters jockey for position, desperate to make it to secured parking lots before scavengers claim their vehicles for scrap.

On the other hand, many will save ridiculous amounts of money by telecommuting - thus conserving gas and ammunition for weekly supply runs to Walmart.

Generally, "ations" are regarded as good things. Propagation, masturbation, fornication, copulation, lubrication - all activities mankind finds to be worthy efforts. However words containing this benevolent suffix are have recently been besmirched by the smear campaign being waged against one of their brethren. And with oil prices rising like Dirk Diggler's imposing lightsaber, the war against speculation threatens to drag some of America's favorite pastimes down with it as casualties of this crusade.

WCCO's "Good Question" segment last night focused on the popular theory that speculators are responsible in large part for driving up the price of oil for downtrodden consumers everywhere. This has become a widely cited theory - its populist appeal a draw to many feeling the squeeze of higher gas prices. In essence, this theory lays blame for the high prices of oil squarely at the feet of the moneyed few - speculators being players in the futures markets who bet that the price of oil (or other commodities) will rise by buying up supplies via the market and selling them for a profit when the price rises.

 

A short-term bubble caused by this rampant speculation is, of course, a much more appealing theory than a long term price spike fueled by basic supply and demand economics. The problem, however, is that most economists seem to agree that while speculators could be responsible for a small portion of the recent price hikes, but the majority is a strict question of bread and butter demand pressuring supplies like never before and tossing some serious consumer salad along the way.

Sadly, the speculator theory, in addition to dragging fellow "ations" through the effluent sewage and bile of global economics, is serving as a rallying cry for those advocating for new offshore oil drilling and opening other public lands to oil companies. The argument being that oil companies, being as fast acting as a Viagra and Red Bull cocktail, will start traipsing through newly opened oil fields like woodland fairies hell-bent on drinking morning dew off wildflowers and devouring the souls of newborn kittens - quickly tapping oil reserves and thus driving prices down by making speculation less lucrative due to increased supply.

However, that assumption only holds water if speculators are truly the wealthy despots enthusiastically buggering the gas-consuming public every time they turn around to unscrew the gas cap. And while they are indeed taking swims in Scrooge McDuck style money bins, they're merely responding to market forces - not creating them. And while statistical evidence of this is often hard to come by, there are indicators.

One such indicator is how long the price run up has been occurring. Oil prices have gone from $26/barrel to the current $137/barrel in the last seven years. And while correlation does not necessarily equal causation, reduced oil output from Iraq due to Middle Eastern adventurism combined with a nearly 100 percent increase in demand for oil from developing countries like China over the last seven years would seem to be a likely cause, especially when global output, unlike the Cousin It looking mother fuckers in My Morning Jacket, just ain't getting any higher. And since it takes a hell of a lot of resources to create a capitalist economy out of General Tso's chicken and corrupt Communist party officials, the demand will only rise.

In fact, according to the Energy Information Administration, worldwide energy use is going to continue rising - 50 percent overall in the next 25 years, 85 percent in developing countries. What's worse, these estimates are based on numbers a year old, prior to the recent run up in prices. Plus, with developments like India's Tata Motors' $2,000 Nano, more people than ever will have access to cars - spiking demand even higher. And not sexy Top Gun style spiking. We're talking Minneapolis Park & Recreation volleyball, with beer bellies flying as former college athletes attempt to relive their once glorious past.

In addition to pure demand, our own low interest rates, designed to stimulate economic activity and spur the economy to avoid recession, are a source of high gas prices. Low interest rates depress the value of the dollar, making it more expensive to buy oil on global markets.

The government is, unsurprisingly, talking about stepping in to regulate commodities markets. However, the proposed regulations would likely do little to push fuel prices down - especially since oil speculation is a global market. And they could even have a depressing effect on the U.S. economy as a source of tax dollars dries up.

There is a bright side, however. Transit use in metropolitan areas is up 15 percent. People are suddenly conscious of how much they drive and this crisis is starting to make people look again at living in the cities where they work, fueling a minor resurgence in home sales in some urban areas. This reduced demand will, eventually, depress prices, but hoping that speculators are the root cause of this decidedly painful gas bubble is akin to believing Olivia Munn will fall for your geeky charm and closet full of Han Solo costumes. But then, if you've convinced yourself of that, you're probably used to disappointment. And luckily, all those other "ation" words haven't bee ruined for you. Except maybe masturbation.

Sometimes catharsis doesn't come easily.

While Obama and McCain supporters moved on to the general election long ago, poll after poll right here in Minnesota shows a Democratic party still mightily divided. Whether it's DFLers undercutting Al Franken with comedy routines past, or voters threatening to stay home during the general election, the damage to the democratic process continues apace. And if you look further afield, the stark reality is that there are Americans considering bowing out of the democratic process, primarily due to the hate and vitriol aimed at the opposition during the nominating process. Essentially, they did indeed smell what The Rock was cookin', never mind that in this case The Rock stood to gain a great deal by shifting the blame for the travesty that was Be Cool and, like any political figure, shapes the truth to fit the circumstances.

Unfortunately, with much of the country moving on, there hasn't been time for anything resembling a catharsis. No mighty Yawp to clear the air. No scream, silent or otherwise, to purify the system and soul. Until now. Thanks to Chilean actor/comedian Felipe Avello, Hillary Clinton's supporters can purge the bile from their systems and reengage in the body politic as Avello's "La Pequena Hillary Clinton" says exactly what's on their minds.

And now, with that metaphorical primal scream out of the way, Democrats everywhere can join hands and work harder than ever to make the Tijuana-born dream of man-donkey marriage a reality.