The Rake: Road Rake

Cool as Tool

Chris Birt — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:30:42 -0500

"The amount of Italian iron in the Twin Cities never ceases to amaze me. I was once again stunned by the annual Wheels Of Italy Show that took place at Lake Calhoun this weekend." August 24, 2007

God and Man in Edina.

Chris Birt — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:02:24 -0500

ABOVE: This is how I prefer to see a Land Rover. Don't believe that stuff about their ladder frames. Even the bodies break.

NOTE: I have been receiving personal e-mails related to my recent Edina Mom post. What I find most enlightening about this gentleman's well-crafted commentary is that God in Edina, it appears, remains in the automotive details.

Edina Mom. Dead or Alive.

Chris Birt — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 16:30:14 -0500

Last year, I posted a movie on YouTube. It was a candid short film of a Mom sending her kid off to "camp" at a church in Edina. The Mom was wearing a leather Ferrari jacket while burdening her two cherubic children with care packages the size of a Marshall Plan drop. I found the whole vignette ironic, particularly since her kiddies were only going to be gone for three days.

Strippers. On Sale.

Chris Birt — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 12:16:11 -0500

Pictured above: The 2003 EVO RS, the utlimate stripper. And what were you thinking?

I've been away for awhile. Seems the economy is picking up a bit with the price of gas going down a cent. It's all senseless to me.

What I find equally senseless is the axiomatic ability for certain headlines to pull in readers on a blog. I would have titled this post differently but then I would not be able to avail my attorney friends of a great chance to save money on their rides. So here goes.

When Mr. Right Throws a Left

Chris Birt — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 21:28:10 -0500

And now for part two of my review on This Sporting Life. Because you play sports like I do, I realize your time is short and you do not favor a Freudian analysis of the film's finer points. And really, don't all rush to read this; the first part of my review was so extensively read that the the servers might shut down again.

Here is a short Monkeywrench review:

Monkeywrench Movie Review. Part One.

Chris Birt — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 22:11:47 -0500

I am a gearhead, or as they say across the pond, a "petrolhead." While this ostensibly disqualifies me from writing a movie review, my British friends think otherwise. Particularly if I am writing about British films.

Here's to Me, Mrs. Robinson

Chris Birt — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 13:06:07 -0500

A few things.

1) I am not a woman. And never will be.

2) Anne Bancroft will remain the hottest baby boomer that ever wore a black bra. (And don't be fooled by her last name, she was Italian.)

3) I am having an affair.

Topless. Chicks. With Sticks.

Chris Birt — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 12:26:14 -0500

Like summer is upon us and will be gone faster than Flo Rida will be hot. With this in mind, I have to make a confession. I love women in convertibles (primarily) who shift their own cars. I want the summer streets filled with them.

So.

Here are my top three picks for the best mix of chicks and sticks forever.

Perverts Park Here

Chris Birt — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:17:29 -0500

What's in a word?

Rum, Sodomy, & No Cash

Chris Birt — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 12:43:10 -0500

(This the car from its most umistakable angle. It looks even more like a nameless Japanese car from the rear and side.)

The Pax Britannica that led to a relatively peaceful 1800s (unless you were Irish) was imposed primarily by the glorious Royal Navy.

While it is politic to assert this prestige came from good government, passive politicians and the daring of former pirates made good, realists claim it was built on rum, sodomy and the lash.

Topless Nymph. Not For You.

Chris Birt — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:52:27 -0500

With all the focus on small footprint cars these days, you'd think smart brands like Nissan would send us all their candy.

The "us" I am referring to would be, of course, the middle-aged lotharios that long for their youth. And few cars say "younger than you should be" than the Nissan Micra—arguably the cutest little button of a car ever made.

Chicks Live on Farms

Chris Birt — Wed, 28 May 2008 15:03:04 -0500

It occured to me this morning that I must update my post "Bimbos, Himbos and Harleys" with new content and here is why:

While it is true that the DelSol, the VW rabbit convertible and the Corvette are charter members of the Bimbo & Himbo Hall of Fame, not many of you drive these things.

Unlike the Mini-Cooper.

Legal Lolitas

Chris Birt — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:58:08 -0500

I have always wondered why certain cars remain off limits to men of a particular age.

momoughttamobiles

Chris Birt — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:00:38 -0500

(pictured: the AMG R-class Mercedes. 502HP, 0-60, 4.7 seconds. Meet the Mom who owns one--lives in Excelsior.)

Mother's Day manipulative?

Not for Road Rakes.

I have always found, for example, that Mimosas pair nicely with a late model Mercedes and/or Maserati. For this reason, you ought consider taking your mom car shopping. Women buy more cars than men anyway (a fact that seems lost on most dealers.)

Duh. Duh. Duh, Duh Duh?

Chris Birt — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:39:26 -0500

If you are going to review films, as my USC intern used to say, then start at the top. So here is my review of Iron Man.

Because Iron Man is more of a movie than a film, I am not sure what to say. Films engage you. Movies distract you.

To be honest, Iron Man may well be a film if it weren't for its one overarching distraction. I waited, as did others, for "the riff." The riff that could be the greatest in hard rock history (so some say). So why does John Farveau wait until the credits to hit us with Ozzy's opus?

Grand Theft Autopilot

Chris Birt — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:44:36 -0500

Here's the problem with Grand Theft Auto (and a solution).

Its not that Grand Theft Auto is stealing minds. The problem is that the program allows you to experience fear in an artificial context. I have found that fear is much more exhilarating and useful when it is real. I took up mountaineering, for example, to experience the imminent fear of disaster. (In addition to my job.)

Porn Again.

Chris Birt — Fri, 02 May 2008 09:01:16 -0500

(Pictured: The 1000HP Hennessy Viper. More on this one in a later post. Hennessy is the porn king of American cars and reportedly a real prick. E-mail him.)

This will be an on-going follow-up post to my "Nature Porn" comments a few months back. In my my previous post, I covered the world's most obscene SUV for the money—the Hennessy Grand Cherokee SRT-8.

Nurses, diesels and douchiness

Chris Birt — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:36:51 -0500

(Pictured. Douching device (not to size). May also be used for urea replacement in your diesel. Read below).

Do me a favor. Take the snarky tone of my blog (is it? oh, is it? please!) and put it aside for a minute. I mean create an Obama and the Preacher (aka bigot) wall between my blog and what I am about to say.

I might have been wrong about diesels.

Someone acutally convinced me last night that the new 60mpg Jetta will never be for weasels. I now think I agree.

Diesel. Rhymes with Weasel.

Chris Birt — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:23:54 -0500

...and in the same breath--the Prius, indisputably an automobile for ryhmes-with-wussies...

If only for the simple fact that buying "green" right now is just plain dumb. And please, before you cleanse your computer screen with Mommy's blood-decorated stole, consider these three logical points:

a) With a hybrid you are buying into a somewhat untested technology that is merely fashionable at the moment.

b) You are buying at a ridiculous premium.

Automotive Irredentism

Chris Birt — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:30:14 -0500

pictured: The Yukon XL—"the national car of Texas"

I recently finished reading a book on TFK terrorism (essentially) called The Bullet's Song. As pretentious as this lead-in sentence sounds, I really did read the book and, in the process, learned some fascinating words.

The Pope and BMW. Hellish.

Chris Birt — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:35:52 -0500

I have been struck by lightning.

BMW now apparently wants the Popemobile biz (proposal depicted above). As a Mercedes (exclusive builders of Vatican limos for an eternity) owner, I pray for an intercession.

As no self-respecting Swabian would be seen in a high-end Manure Wagen, neither should His Most Holy Benedict.

Ruf Rash

Chris Birt — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:41:01 -0500

(e.d.: I wish I had an uncle like Kurt Nelson's. The "Yellobird" is just the most famous roadgoing Porsche Turbo of all time. Big article in Sports Car International this month--the only one you should read. Here are Kurt's fond memories of the RUF experience, rashes included:)

The day I drove a RUF CTR stays with me like a good rash — something a little annoying, but the burning sensation went away with boost, oh so lovely boost.

Hillaright and Hillawrong.

Chris Birt — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:53:39 -0500

I am not exactly sure what I am trying to say with my headline. While I won't pick nits with her politics, I fear that if she, my fellow sister, were to gain the white house (I may be the only that holds a candle--for my own reasons) she will raise the CAFE standards even further than 35MPG.

The Saint in me says she is right.

The Devil says, "death to her and all her pets."

Why must she remain so polarizing?

My Fifth Wife's Life

Chris Birt — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:23:00 -0500

I received an e-mail that this Ron guy insisted I publish along with a picture of his scarcely-aged trophy (above). This has not been spell-checked and is re-produced unmolested (bad choice of word?)

How Clinton Wrecked His Ferrari

Chris Birt — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:39:00 -0500

When you have enough money, you call your son Clinton or Caufield or something stilted enough to create an affect. You also (or so the guys at the Porsche dealership tell me) buy your kid a car he or she should never try to pilot. Of course, this results in great websites.

Sei Moa Me

Chris Birt — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:50:47 -0500

You may not know this yet but there is a woman out there that will drive little men like you crazy. I say little men because she is a woman of stature that does not need a car to prove her worth.

But what rides she owns.

She favors late '60s muscle car cruisers that look good going down the boulevard and fast when you slam them to the floor.

Malibu Barbie. Yours At Last.

Chris Birt — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 09:42:50 -0500

I never thought it would happen.

Chevrolet has made a car that people like you will want.

..Want like that song you sing to yourself in those private automotive moments when you hope no one is watching.

..Want like that Barbie you think about and hope is sentiment you pray no one will share. (Especially not Elliot as he can afford it, or so he thinks).

"Edina Mom" above Mammaries

Chris Birt — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 12:21:06 -0600

Look, I deeply understand that trenchant matters of importance are upon us. Hillary is imploding, the silver haired wren is the latest casualty of climate change (speaking as an amateur orthonologist, it matters), sticky sidewalks in downtown Minneapolis are about to be re-introduced due to the flaccid governance of a weak Mayor system in spite of the fervor of one Raymond Thomas.

And yet.

Born From Jets. A Saab Story.

Chris Birt — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:10:14 -0600

(Pictured: The tiny "Ursaab" 92001 which reminds me of a small plane stepped on by an elephant.)

I give to you, again, a post from Kurt Nelson, skier, writer, road pilot, with a few thoughts on automotive flight:

Homosexual Hot Rods. OK.

Chris Birt — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:36:28 -0600

Its no secret that I am an afficionado of both hot rods and message boards. The two form a less than poltically correct union however. For example, a old favorite of mine the Honkey Ass Message Board or H.A.M.B has been an exceptionally well-crafted and written forum.

Till some egits began posting their thoughts on the origins of the term "hot-rod" asking, in their own scintillating syntax whether the term is "totally gay."