The Rake: Outrage!

Who Is Hotter Than a Hockey Mom?

Chris Birt — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 20:21:22 -0500

That would be moi. Ski Mama Maximus.

I am also leading the finest SKI SWAP around at Hyland Hills Ski Area next Friday from 5-10 and all day Saturday. That's Hyland Hills in Bloomington right down the street from the big ski jump on 494 (you can almost see it from downtown).

Unlike a typical hockey parent (or political poster mom for the cause), I am bright enough to speak in polished syntax while I purchase lightly used world-class equipment for my whole family at 85% OFF RETAIL.

Smothering Mothers, Sprained Ankles, and Apple Pucker

Jill Yablonski — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:24:50 -0500

Twelve days ago I got drunk on Apple Pucker (yes, really) and fell down a flight of stairs. Classy, I know. The ordeal resulted in a violently sprained ankle and an extended "vacation" at my Mom and Dad's house in Saint Paul. Thanks to modern technology, I was able to keep up my Rakish ramblings and what not, but from a comfortable leather couch with multiple pillows, blankets and one doting Pitbull who somehow managed to stomp on my ankle with amazing repetition - when she wasn't sleeping directly on top of me, that is.

Sexy Librarian Makes Me Stupid

Chris Birt — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 17:41:03 -0500

A few days ago I had an allergic reaction to Obama's acceptance speech. I have not changed my mind about Obama, but I have also quickly learned the perils of speaking out of my butt too fast--which is essentially the origin of most political commentary offered without the baptism of time and experience.

I should have waited a day.

Hockey Moms Can Stick It. Here.

Chris Birt — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 09:37:37 -0500

Just when I was about to launch my ski team's website this "Hockey Mom" thing blows up. Well, well, the truth is, the buzz surrounding the sport (and the phrase) will only help us attract converts.

Still I have aborted further attempts at uncovering the culinary habits of Hockey Moms and Dads versus those of Skiing families till the buzz cools down. For a look at this superior winter sport and lifestyle click the link at the bottom of this page.

Elitist?

Roadkill Bikinis

Chris Birt — Sat, 16 Aug 2008 11:23:10 -0500

Above: I found a roadkill fashion site. Lovely.

My post on the abuse of automotive icons at church camps has turned up the most amazing things.

I was informed (by a source who will remain annoymous) that church camps have the strangest of hazing rites (and here you think writing about cars leads to nothing more than a surge of testosterone).

Why Wacko Jacko Must Play Poe

Cristina Cordova — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:59:16 -0500

Given Edgar Allan Poe's well-known fear of being buried alive, the claim that the horror writer and poet "must be rolling over in his grave" at the prospect of Sylvester Stallone writing and directing the biopic Poe is more than rote recitation of cliché. It's definitely a curious way for 61-year-old Sly to follow-up the cinematic Cialis he recently gave to both the Rocky and Rambo franchises.

and then I left

Chris Birt — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 22:05:28 -0500

when you reach

somewhere

that is nowhere

and you talk

with sadness

to someone

younger, beautiful, longing

with peace in her eyes

you feel calm

and your worries vanish

like water

through the fingers

of a fist gripping fear

[rakead:Middle1]

Don't Mess With The Lohan. (As If.)

Chris Birt — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 23:34:37 -0500

I am sitting here late in the evening babysitting. Perhaps it is because I feel so esconced here in a secure state of suburban responsibility that I can safely venture into a topic I should know little about. Then, of course, it could be because I work with a lot of "young" people.

Living Room Chit Chat

Cristina Cordova — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 20:33:11 -0500

Sitting in my living room, having a beer with a neighbor (and my love), and thought I'd share the chat.

My neighbor, making small talk over his Corona Light, asks if we know that the Aborigines are killing themselves.

"Ah, of course," I say. "It only stands to reason. Eventually we all begin to imitate and support the American way."

He's confused, of course. This isn't what he meant.

No, they're refusing to procreate, he explains. Apparently, the world is just too horrible. Who can blame them?

Brain Food: Lost in the Details

Cristina Cordova — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 18:23:51 -0500

If you missed Barak Obama's speech earlier today, see it here, and get back to this post when you're done. I'm not backing any presidential candidates, but the speech can't be missed. Besides, then you can take part in the fun — brain food fun, that is.

Bohemian Rescission

Cristina Cordova — Sun, 10 Feb 2008 17:12:02 -0600

After days of agonizing over much hard work lost to a dead hard drive. After weeks of researching digital news media for an upcoming story. After months glued to my laptop for your reading pleasure. I took refuge last night in a friend's home, where I can always turn for the simplest bohemian pleasures. Five to seven bodies huddled in a dim-lit room strumming guitars and plucking banjos, blowing blues harps and crafting verse.

But even the most sacred of spaces has been infiltrated by the net, even the doggerel.

I Wouldn’t Care for This Health Care, No!

Christy DeSmith — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:33:34 -0600

Get with the program, health-care providers of America, and get a clue about the prices you ascribe to your services. While you're at it, we wouldn't mind if you went so far as to tell us the costs upfront. Yes, yes; I know the industry if rife with corruption--er, negotiated discounts--and, in fact, the prices are subject to much (much!) change. But here's the thing: Very many of your customers are paying out of pocket nowadays.

Stupidity on Two Wheels

Julie Caniglia — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 12:58:30 -0600

So, it sucks to park the car on Hennepin Avenue in the winter - scaling the piles of snow hardened into ice, trying not to fall against (or under) the filthy auto, hoping that busses and SUVs will not take the car door off (or at least slow down if they do) when you get get the frozen lock unlocked ... it especially sucks getting into/out of a car parked on Hennepin when you're toting a 10-month-old, however good-natured, and all of his attendant baggage. It sucks to do this at least twice daily, which you do when you don't have any other place to put the car.

Heath Ledger Dead at 28

Cristina Cordova — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 16:40:52 -0600

This afternoon, actor Heath Ledger — of Brokeback Mountain, A Knight's Tale, and more recently of I'm Not There fame — was found dead in his Manhattan apartment, allegedly (for a time) an apartment in Mary Kate's building. Yes, that's right, one of the Full House twins.

Don't Call Me Sweetheart

Cristina Cordova — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:41:09 -0600

I just picked up my two children from their school-supported daycare, at which time a young woman put her finger in the air and motioned for me to have a moment with her. I stepped aside and proceeded to listen to her complain that my son had been calling her, and other students and teachers, "sweetheart." She told me that she and some of the other students did not appreciate it, and that this behavior was unacceptable.

What's Too Much to Expect These Days?

Cristina Cordova — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 18:48:22 -0600

I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. I have dental insurance, and I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. Yup...

Why exactly do I have dental insurance? Certainly if my teeth were crooked and I wanted to get them straightened, my insurance company would argue that it's purely for aesthetic purposes, hence unnecessary. Is it to protect me from the consequences of a good bashing? — probably self-inflicted after receiving their bill...

I lied about the basic cleaning.

Who Told?

Cristina Cordova — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 13:18:46 -0600

increase your dik size
penile enlargement

Clearly, the word has leaked out: I do not have a large penis. It's true. But do I really need to be reminded every day by numerous emails? The initial sting aside, it's quite touching (hands off, buddy!) to have countless strangers out there so terribly concerned about my sex life.

Every day I check my email at work only to be reminded of my apparent failure to fully exploit the fabulous art of sex — proving, once again, how rewarding work can truly be. It goes something like this:

Life Must Be Understood Backward

Cristina Cordova — Fri, 07 Dec 2007 22:18:44 -0600

Police have released a suicide note written by the 19-year-old Omaha mall gun shooter:

"I've just snapped - I can't take this meaningless existence anymore. I've been a constant disappointment and that trend would have only continued."

I'm always suprised by people who have the foresight to put an explanation in writing even after they've snapped...

Just Another Day in America

Cristina Cordova — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 20:52:57 -0600

"Man Opens Fire at Omaha Mall, Killing 8" — this is the way we express outrage now. No protests. No marches. No picket lines. No petitions. No vigils. No. Now we simply pull out the big guns.

Sign Your Life away on the Dotted Line

Cristina Cordova — Tue, 27 May 2008 23:09:00 -0500

Personally, I'm a little tired of insider media gossip, but I find myself compelled to contribute to the cause. What the hell is up with these ridiculous non-competes!?

Superfood Sucks

Christy DeSmith — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 11:09:02 -0600

First, a preface: I am not a foodie. The blander the better. Nourishment, for me, is achieved by daily ingestions of oatmeal and honey, cinnamon-raisin bagels with peanut butter, salted popcorn, and, as of late, Odwalla Bars. I’ve enjoyed these very much because, well, they’ve made it easy on me—“No Refined Sugars,” say the labels. And I’m very careful about this. Diabetes runs rampant in my family—even among the skinny people—so I’m trying to trick fate by avoiding refined sugars whenever possible. In any case, the “Power

Another Reason Beowulf Blows

Christy DeSmith — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 15:36:16 -0600

By now, it’s fairly well established that Beowulf is an irredeemable, gawd-awful film. As if moviegoers needed another reason to hate the thing, I noticed something truly heinous about the animation: While the male characters were rendered in the spirit of realism, left with fairly expressive human faces, the female characters were idealized to the point of looking like wax figures. Did you notice the constipated quality about Queen Wealthow’s face whenever she tried,