Political play by play

I was doing the announcing for my daughter’s soccer game last night when this came into the pressbox over the AP wire.

AP: September 30, 2004, 20:40 EDT

In the big Kerry-Bush debate, at half time it’s all knotted up at 2-2.

Bush started the scoring with a stubborn dash into enemy territory, carrying the ball all by himself and finishing with a hard, jet-powered landing in the goal area and an exclamation of “Mission Accomplished.” Since neither Bush, nor any of the rest of his team of Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rove or Wolfowitz, though has actually ever played soccer themselves, they left the actual shooting of the ball to some part time, underpaid temporary strikers on leave from their usual jobs and families.

Kerry, while disappointed with the early Bush lead, remarked, “Well, I voted for him to have the ball, but I didn’t think he’d actually shoot.”

But Kerry soon countered with two goals of his own. The first came on a brilliant run from side to side the length of the field, made even more remarkable by the fact that, instead of wearing soccer boots, he was sporting some sort of beach sandals that seemed to make this flapping noise as he sprinted upfield. The din proved a distraction to everyone but Rove, who attempted to derail the onrushing Kerry with his patented “Swift Boat” slide tackle from behind, but the alert spectators recognized the foul and howled derision until the debate moderator pulled out his yellow card.

Kerry’s second score was a routine header off a corner kick, after which he remarked, “I’ve got this big noggin, I may as well use it for something other than thinking. After all, that strategy has worked well for my opponent for the past four years.”

Bush, not to be outdone, responded with a late first half goal of his own. After promising to “go nuke-u-lar” on his rival, he delivered the tying goal by a classic deception move. After a clever feint that faked out an entire nation when he seemed to be attacking the other team’s main striker, Osama “Bend it Like” Bin Laden, he abruptly changed direction and led a relentless assault on Saddam Hussein, manager of a team which had actually retired from the premier division after 1991.

We’ll update you on further developments after this game.