The Rake Magazine

Year: 2004

  • Animal House

    For years, Como Zoo has been the cheapest way to kill a Saturday afternoon. The zoo is one of the last vestiges of free entertainment in the cities. While enjoying this last ember of civic-minded fun, concerns inevitably arise about the welfare of the zoo’s inhabitants.

    It has long been fashionable to worry about the conditions at Como, and things haven’t changed much in recent years. The other day, I took special note of the compulsive, repetitive acts of many of the zoo’s attractions. For starters, the polar bears and seals were swimming in endless, mindless circles. This behavior seemed to me to scream mental deterioration.

    Dr. Petra Mertens of the University of Minnesota’s Veterinary College said the animals were exhibiting something called “stereotypy.” A product of confinement and sheer boredom, stereotypy results in abbreviated versions of an animal’s normal habits in the wild. Some claim such a coping mechanism releases endorphins, or is like meditation. Mertens said stereotypy is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorders in humans. “We don’t say ‘obsessive-compulsive’ because we don’t know if they obsess,” Mertens noted.

    Seeking an explanation beyond science, The Rake hired animal communicator Mary Stoffel. Stoffel claims to be an animal psychic. I asked her to join me at the zoo to see if she could sort out what is on the animals’ minds. For a dollar a minute, Stoffel utilizes a technique called “extreme empathy.”

    “I am not reading the animal’s mind, I am dependent on what the animal chooses to tell me,” said Stoffel, who has been a professional animal psychic for ten years and a “communicator” all her life.

    Approaching two seals in an indoor pool, Stoffel picked up their natural seal names but was unable to pronounce them. “It’s like a series of whistles and clicks,” she said, squinting and bending down toward a seal that looked like a spotted, plump bratwurst. “The large one is very appreciative of the fact that we are at least asking for information, that we’re not making assumptions about them.”

    As Stoffel conveyed this line of thought, the seal known as “Click Click Whistle” stopped his constant swimming and hovered near the bottom of the pool. He was apparently embarrassed by such a frank discussion of his emotions.

    “He definitely knows we’re here and asking,” Stoffel said as we approached Tango (human name), a young seal in his own pool. As she squinted at him, Tango repeatedly came up and shook his head. Stoffel felt something was amiss with Tango’s ears or eyes. She asked him to come out of the water so she could see his head. Ten seconds later, Tango obliged. He heaved his slick, serpentine body onto a foot-wide ledge between the pool and the glass. He held his head, and Stoffel examined him. “Yeah, something is bothering his face,” she said.

    Down the corridor, Neal the polar bear splashed on. He swims ceaselessly, sticking his head out of the water, gliding back, and doing a spot-on imitation of an Olympic swimmer hitting the wall and executing a flip turn. Neal does a full somersault before pushing off the wall with his big yellowed paws. The big guy exudes captured regality; he’s as graceful as Esther Williams.

    “What I’m getting from him is mind-numbing boredom,” Stoffel said gravely. “He is totally zoned out and into his behavior. With this guy, we’re insignificant unless we’re feeding him.”

    In the cat building, two lions slept on the cement floor like newlyweds, aware only of each other and oblivious to their humble dwelling. The male’s paw lay gently on the female’s face, and their other limbs entwined. “They feel good and are well fed, and they are aware of the fact that people care about them,” Stoffel said. “Out in the wild, there’s a very good chance they could both be injured or have festering sores.”

    Normally, Stoffel does her animal communication by telephone, with the owner serving as the psychic conduit. The zoo can be hard. “I find it pretty distressing,” she admitted. “However, a lot of animals in the zoo have chosen this as their life mission.”

    Stoffel dismissed the contention that being captured and hauled to St. Paul hardly seems like a choice for the animals. “Animals come into this world with a mission, same as people,” she maintained. “If they find themselves in a situation where it is intolerable for them, they find ways to check out. They either live, or check out by becoming ill, escaping, or dying.”—Geoff Ziezulewicz

  • Rolling Heads

    March 17th, 8:45 p.m., St. Patrick’s Day. With a name like Colleen, there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere today. I used to work at Mickey’s Diner right in downtown St. Paul. I’ve seen enough green vomit to qualify me as an exorcist. So… maybe I’ll read the paper.

    Business section headline. General Mills falls short of forecasts. CEO Steve Sanger blames sluggish stock value on slow response to “low carb” trend. Hmm. That would be a tough trend to follow for a flour company. Maybe they can transform the Doughboy into something with more Atkins appeal, like “Meatie Man” or “Cheesy Chap.” Hey, or the Bake-Off could award extra points for the entry with the least fiber content.

    Front page. I usually save that for last. Too depressing. “DFL fires an early salvo at Pawlenty.” Democratic Party runs TV ads slamming the Governor’s record on the release of sexual predators and his position on the death penalty. Yep. I remember that one. Last summer. He was going to let a bunch of risky pervs out of lockdown to save the state some cash. I guess the state’s goal of keeping known offenders from re-offending is expendable. I have an idea. What about blending non-essential programs? Imagine driving down that lonely stretch of Highway 100 North, the one close to the office parks beyond 494 without the street lights, and coming upon a reassuring green sign: “The next 100 yards patrolled for sexual predators by the Girl Scouts of America.”

    “Bubbles, noise may deter bighead carp.” State wildlife officials are proposing an underwater tube that will make a curtain of air bubbles across the Mississippi River to scare away invading Asian carp. You can scare away a hundred-pound fish with bubbles? I suppose that makes sense. Any time I see bubbles in the Bally’s swimming pool I get the hell out of there.

    Business section again. Gas prices approaching the $2-a-gallon mark. While the price represents a nasty inconvenience to SUV drivers, the problem could be disastrous for the trucking industry, which is obviously affected by fuel prices. You know, if we can’t afford to ship oranges and asparagus to the middle of the country in the next fiscal year, I think General Mills will have its profit recovery in hand. Carb loading will become a necessity of survival.

    Particularly for those who used to depend on Metro Transit. They’re having a tough time making it to the grocery store as the strike wears on, and I imagine they could use a product with a prolonged shelf life. Especially if they can’t get to work, stop paying bills, and their power gets shut off. With no refrigeration, a colorful pouch of substantial, rib-sticking flour will come to the rescue and feed those children! Note to General Mills CEO Steve Sanger: Here’s a new product line for the new permanent underclass. Pillsbury Paste! In eighteen colors and four mouth-watering meat flavors—just add water! Roll it into pellets, add some sugar and a talking bear, and call it breakfast.

    Back to the front page. “Bush ads call Kerry vote anti-soldier.” Kerry ads say Bush ads lie. Remaining soldiers in Iraq try not to get blown into anti-soldier matter.

    “Inquiry into Medicare bill ordered.” During the Medicare debate, Bush administration officials cited an estimate of $400 billion over ten years in their rehaul plan. A document prepared by Medicare’s chief actuary before the vote, but not shared with Congress, estimated the amount closer to $551 billion. In a bold move, Surgeon General Richard Carmona will chair a special task force that will hold as many as five “listening sessions” on the issue. “Operation Mollify” begins Friday.

    I’d better check out the metro section. Pawlenty again. “Pawlenty puts gambling on table.” Governor says if tribes refuse to share casino profits, “we are going to entertain other options.” Options under consideration include an all-you-can-eat buffet at the National Guard Armory, two-drink-minimum Williams and Ree concerts in the Capitol rotunda, and Ann-Margret for lieutenant governor.

    Comics page. Nothing funny here. Dilbert still hates his job. Cathy’s still fat. Garfield’s still lazy. And the Family Circle kids remain ignorant of Mommy’s burning desire to escape.

    This just in. Paul Douglas’s weather page says spring is on the way. What a job. He said that last year.

  • Justice by the Gram

    Remember when Sammy Davis, Jr., belted out, “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” in the theme from Baretta? The message was that you should be willing to pay the price if you’re willing break the law. But the implication was that punishment for the crime had a clear beginning and end. In other words, once you did “the time,” you earned the right to move on with your life.

    Our Constitution expressly forbids trying a person twice for the same crime. The prohibition against double jeopardy goes to the heart of what our legal system is all about: equal justice under law. That sentiment should be extended to make sure a person is not punished repeatedly for the same crime, even a politically unpopular crime.

    The sad reality is, that has never quite been the case. Convicted felons have a hard time getting jobs and housing, and in many states, they never regain the right to vote or sit on a jury. In other words, they are sentenced to certain forms of punishment that endure for the rest of their lives.

    Fortunately, ex-cons at least have equal access to federal student loan assistance—unless they have a drug-related conviction. In 1998, President Bill “I didn’t inhale” Clinton approved a law, the brainchild of conservative House Republican Mark Souder of Indiana, that barred anyone with a drug conviction from receiving federal student financial aid. The law does not recognize differences between drugs, nor amounts used. Getting caught with an ounce of pot is the same as selling a kilo of coke: Either will get you permanently barred from eligibility for federal student loans and grants.

    Souder and his fellow drug busters believed that receiving taxpayer-funded federal student financial aid is a privilege, not a right. Money talks, goes their argument, and the consequence of losing financial aid dollars might prove a powerful deterrent to drug use.

    And yet, in a recent New York Times article, Souder conceded that the law went way too far. He claimed he never meant it to be so mean-spirited. He simply wanted to discourage students from experimenting with drugs. Souder now says that students who are denied federal financial aid for crimes committed before college should sue the government.

    Needless to say, this law has a hugely disproportionate impact on blacks. African-Americans make up twelve percent of the nation’s population and thirteen percent of its drug users; yet they comprise a whopping fifty-five percent of drug-use convictions—the same convictions that will disqualify them from ever getting a student loan.

    George W. Bush wants to amend the law by limiting its scope to those busted for drugs while in college. Those with criminal convictions for drug use before college would remain eligible for federal assistance, no matter how serious the conviction. So under the Bush plan, the crack cocaine dealer who got religion before applying to college would remain eligible for financial aid, but a current college student caught with a joint would lose her financial aid. According to studies, more than a third of all college students used drugs in the mid-nineties. Are the Bushies really prepared to yank financial aid from such a large chunk of the population? More to the point, Bush’s so-called “fix” completely sidesteps the underlying problem with this fundamentally ill-conceived law: it treats drug-users differently from other lawbreakers.

    Don’t get me wrong. I am adamantly against illegal drug use and believe that those who break drug laws should be punished. However, in meting out such punishment, we must ensure that we do not create a cure more devastating than the disease. Massachusetts Democrat Barney Frank was absolutely right when he said, “We should abolish the whole rule. We should not encourage drug use, but you shouldn’t single that out as being worse than rape or arson or armed robbery.”

    Are all drug users really beyond rehabilitation, where rapists, arsonists, and burglars are not? Should any college student who indulges in drugs be promptly expelled, and have the doors of higher education forever slammed in his face? Why do drug users not get the same equal justice under the law?

    It’s time to reconsider how our so-called war on drugs is compromising basic Constitutional tenets of fairness. You do the crime, you do the time—once. Then you should be done.

  • Opening the Cabin

    -Full tank of gas that has appreciated 100 percent

    -Cabin polarized into cobwebs versus dustbunnies

    -Outhouse tipped over by sleeper cell of black bears

    -Hole in cereal boxes, turds on counters, tiny mouse-sized keg of Bud Light

    -A startled Dick Cheney reading “Tuesdays With Morrie”

  • Women with Vision 2004

    For its eleventh year, the Walker’s annual celebration of female film directors kicks off with the apropos new documentary In the Company of Women, a look at the vital role of female filmmakers in the nineties’ independent-cinema explosion. Though it sometimes feels like a ninety-minute commercial for the Independent Film Channel (which funded it), it’s still a heartening overview of the inroads women have made in the male-dominated film world. Other intriguing movies being shown include Double Dare, about Hollywood stuntwomen, and a free retrospective of the short works of Minnesota-born director Sarah Jacobson, who died of cancer in February. There’s also a number of strong features from outside the U.S., including the American premiere of At Five in the Afternoon, an intriguing, Spike Lee-like drama about a schoolgirl in Taliban-ruled Afghanistan who dreams of running for president. (612) 375-7622; www.walkerart.org

  • Local mystery writers’ readings

    If a flock of crows is a “murder,” what should you call a flock of mystery writers? An exhumation, perhaps. Whatever the term is, this month brings new books by four Minnesota-based authors of thrillers and police procedurals. In the interest of supporting the hometown team, here’s a rundown of whodunnit and where they’ll be reading from it.
    • P.J. Tracy, a pseudonymous mom/daughter writing team, return with Live Bait, a followup to their highly praised debut Monkeewrench, a 2004 Minnesota Book Award finalist in two categories. They’ll be at Once Upon a Crime April 30 and the Maple Grove Barnes & Noble May 2.
    • St. Thomas grad Vince Flynn writes potboilers about terrorist-fighting CIA agent Mitch Rapp, including the new Memorial Day. He reads at Barnes & Noble in Roseville May 4, Once Upon a Crime May 5, and Borders Block E May 6.
    • Cold Blood is the second novel from former Pioneer Press crime reporter Theresa Monsour. She’s at Barnes & Noble three times: in Woodbury May 11, in Roseville May 18, and in Maple Grove May 20.
    • John Sandford’s fifteenth Lucas Davenport novel Hidden Prey teams his sleuth with a Russian cop to solve a killing on Lake Superior; the similarities to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie Red Heat are, thankfully, only superficial. He reads on May 11 at the Barnes & Nobles in Woodbury and in downtown Minneapolis. He and Monsour appear together at Once Upon a Crime May 10.

  • Steve Almond

    For a guy who so clearly enjoys a tasty snack, Steve Almond looks awfully thin in his author’s photo. In Candyfreak: A Journey Through the Chocolate Underbelly of America, the Boston-based food writer waxes rhapsodic on Tangy Taffy, Goo Goo Clusters, Peanut Bing, and a hundred others we’d never even heard of—small wonder, considering that there used to be as many as six thousand candy companies in America. Almond travels across the country in search of rare and obscure sweets, giving new meaning to the term “oral history.” If this gets your mouth watering, you should know that his appearance at Ruminator—which used to be called Hungry Mind, appropriately enough—is both a reading and a chance to sample a variety of candy bars made by small, independent American companies. To heck with the diet! (651) 699-0587; ruminator.com

  • Jane Smiley

    Considering her Pulitzer for A Thousand Acres, a deft recasting of Shakespeare’s King Lear in the cornfields of Iowa, Jane Smiley knows very well how to spin good fiction from the human capacity for self-delusion and hubris. She attacks that theme from another angle in Good Faith (due in paperback May 11), in which greed, lust, and a fatal lack of self-awareness gnaw away at Joe Stratford, a 1980s real-estate agent presented with a get-rich-quick plan that, of course, just couldn’t be a scam. Though Joe’s fate is so obvious we correctly guessed it from reading the dust jacket, Smiley’s perspicacious prose kept us turning the pages happily. She’s also just come out with the memoir A Year at the Races, which expands on the love for equines she first wrote about in the novel Horse Heaven. Galleria, 3225 W. 69th St., Edina; (952) 920-0633; bn.com

  • Joyce Carol Oates

    “Just to get it over with and done.” While that’s the fictional Tyrell Rawls speaking in “Cumberland Breakdown,” from Oates’ latest collection of stories, I Am No One You Know, he could be explaining how his creator has churned out no fewer than forty-three novels by the age of sixty-six. Without a doubt, there’s more than enough Oates to go around, but followers disappointed by the critical flop of Blonde and the mainstream success of We Were the Mulvaneys have long been wishing that she would return to the height of her powers in the short-story form. She has. Dust off a copy of Upon the Sweeping Flood before the reading. 10500 Hillside Ln., Minnetonka; (952) 847-8637; www.hclib.org

  • Louie the Wine Guy

    April 14, 2004

    It’s spring sale time, with plenty of fun and informative tastings to go along with the vigorous market. New releases have arrived, the economy is trying its best to support our interest in better wines, and soon, it is promised, our landscape will finally turn from gray to green.

    Surdyk’s led the way on the spring sale stage, offering a mostly low-end inventory. Now things bump up a few notches with Haskell’s, and up several more with Byerly’s/Lunds. And one of my very favorite stops, the Tonka Bottle Shop, is also going great guns with its spring fling through May 6t.

    Let’s take a closer look at the big boys, with both Haskell’s and Byerly’s having multiple outlets and covering most of the metro area. How do these stores and their sales really compare? First I will start with inventory, where the two giants take a remarkably different approach. Every Haskell’s store carries the same inventory, and its sale can be advertised in a nineteen-page catalogue. Very colorful, I must say, and requiring my little printer a full forty-give minutes to download!

    Byerly’s/Lunds, by contrast, vary greatly in inventory, as each store manager stories allowed to buy what he or she prefers to sell. The Minnetonka Byerly’s, for example, leans heavily toward imports, whereas the Plymouth Lunds is very pro-California. (I might add that as Tim Nordland, an eighteen-year Byerly’s veteran, has recently moved on to greener pastures—no he didn’t die…he took a sales position with Cat & Fiddle—the merchandise at the Plymouth Lund’s may slowly change).

    How do the two compare on style? They’re somewhat similar. Haskell’s offers its infamous “Nickel” sale in which the shopper pays “regular” price for the first bottle and five cents for the second bottle of the same wine. It’s common knowledge that Haskell’s raises the “regular” price quite a bit more than retail, so that the end result is nothing like two-for-one. An example: a bottle of Covey Run Chardonnay typically runs between $6.99 & $8.49. I saw it recently at MGM for $6.99, its “regular” price. Haskell’s lists the “regular” price for as $12.99, with a second bottle for five cents, yielding a “sale” price of $6.52 per bottle. Not such a great deal is it? One more example: Ecco Domani Pinot Grigio. At Haskell’s “regular” price of $13.99, the nickel sale price comes to $7.02 per bottle. Sam’s Club carries Ecco Domani with a regular price of $6.83; MGM is $8.99. Haskell’s offers a decent deal on the higher priced imports, which is perhaps its specialty anyway, so it is worth checking out. Just be careful!

    As for Byerly’s/Lund’s, they offer a “buy one at regular price, get the second bottle at half price sale” through May 1. This makes for an especially good deal on more expensive bottles. And, as far as I can tell, Byerly’s doesn’t jack up its prices before the sale. Another thing to keep in mind: this sale applies to any bottle, even those not in stock. Byerly’s will order anything you want and offer it at the special sale price. At Haskell’s, the sale only applies to store inventory. Enough said.

    Free Public Tasting Opportunities

    France 44 is featuring Bonny Dune this month, and will show some of its more esoteric offerings this Saturday from 2-5pm. I hope they will pour the Cigare Volant, as this is one special bottle. A domestic “Chateauneufdupape” if there ever was one. Any friend of Bonny Dune is a friend of mine. Check it out.

    Haskell’s chain of stores will be featuring a variety of tasting opportunities too complicated to list here, so it is best to visit its website for an overview. Go to www.haskells.com for the full report.

    There is hardly ever advance information about the Saturday tastings at the Byerly’s/Lund’s stores, except we do know that Connie will pour selections Thursday through Saturday at the Golden Valley location—as of this web posting they haven’t put together their list. Call them directly at 763-544-8978 to find out what Connie is up to.

    Phil, the ever-helpful owner of Henn-Lake Liquors, pours a selection of wines every Friday night, but information about his choices is always “hush-hush.” Stop by and surprise yourself. (Phil also tells me that he will meet or beat any sale price Haskell’s offers (or, for that matter, specials at Byerly’s or anyplace else…).

    Upcoming Wine Events

    Naturally we must start with Louie’s own extravaganza, Friday night’s Napa Spring Wine Fling, with over 60 wines from Napa Valley, music and magic, and a great raffle on top of it all. Watch a tasting report in my next posting!

    Coming in early May, but worth planning for, will be the fabulous Napa Valley Vintner’s Tasting (May 6, $75 per person). I will be at the event’s industry gathering in the afternoon, and highly recommend this event, as there are purportedly 200 Napa wines being shown (not that any of us could sample more than 50, but what the hell!).

    Hot Buys!

    Before closing up this tidy report, I must mention three fabulous bottles I picked up at Costco this week (for my Napa Spring Wine Fling party, of course):
    Flora Springs ’02 Sangiovese—$13.49
    Heitz ’02 Napa Chardonnay—$13.99
    Cosentino ’00 Napa Cabernet—$18.99

    Amazing wines… amazing deals… and you don’t have to be a member!

    That’s all for this week’s brief report. I will be back next week with an expansive, perhaps even over-the-top, unendurably long, insider’s report. Stay tuned.