Mission: Impossible III, 2006. Directed by J. J. Abrams, written by Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci, and Abrams. Starring (and that’s all you can call it) Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ving Rhames, Laurence Fishburne, Billy Crudup, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Maggie Q, Michelle Monaghan, Simon Pegg, future Dracula Michael Berry Jr., and Saginaw, Michigan’s own Ty Williams! (you can see that I’m already bored by this review).
Now playing at far too many theaters around town.
PLOT SPOLIERS BELOW (DO YOU CARE?)
“Excuse me, excuse me–what are you going to see? Really? Do you mind if I ask why? You don’t really want to waste your time with Mission: Impossible III do you? Look at what else is playing! Uh, Hoot? No, no, I agree. Ice Age? Saw it? (Jeez, too bad). RV? Good Christ, why isn’t Robin Williams in jail? Well, Inside Man is Spike Lee… no good, huh? United 93? No interest? I can’t blame you, really it is a downer. Lucky Number Slevin… you want something new. Well how about this for new… why don’t you go out to dinner or see a play? Something challenging, something far from stupid…
Listen, the film is without plot. OK, there’s a plot, but you’re not supposed to care about it or follow it one way or the other. Besides, it’s insane–something about the supreme biological weapon, bombs inside people’s heads, some traitor inside this fake spy organization. Hell, there’s a scene where the bad guys shoot missiles and fire machine guns into a bridge outside of Washington, D. C. in broad daylight! I know it’s Mission: Impossible, but for God’s sake, this is post 9/11–you can’t just fly a plane or helicopter around D.C. and start firing away. I mean, there’s even a point in which someone will die if Tom Cruise’s cell phone coverage cuts out, and another where these espionage experts toss baseballs at a skyscraper to distract the enemy, and…
“You want to see this movie? You like Tom Cruise? Well, be my guest, I can’t stop you… Tom Cruise is hell itself!”
…
“Hi guys, how are you? What are you going to see? Oh, Mission: Impossible! Why that movie? Sure, I’m a reporter, far as you know. Is it Tom Cruise? No? Ving Rhames, huh? I like Ving, too, he was great in Pulp Fiction. And you, you love Jonathan Rhys Meyers? Well, he was so good in that new Woody Allen movie. Um, Match Point–no, I’m aware that Allen is a creep, but Match Point was still pretty good. None of you are seeing this for the effects and violence? Interesting. And who do you like? Philip Seymour Hoffman? Really. Because of Capote you’re seeing this?
“No, I’m not laughing, I have allergies, scratchy throat you know. Ah, say, you guys, listen, Philip Seymour Hoffman is awful in this movie. I mean, just terrible–he mumbles his way through it, it’s just a paycheck. Same goes for Rhames and Laurence Fishburn and Meyers and Billy Crudup and the woman who looks like Katie Holmes but isn’t. How do I know? Obviously I saw it, that’s how I know, and as you put it, I’m a member of the press, it’s my job to watch things like this. Don’t you get it, I spent two hours of my precious life to see a movie that’s not bad enough to make fun of and not good enough to remember. Don’t make the same mistake I did–you wouldn’t haul garbage, right? Leave that to people like me.
“Where are you going?! Didn’t you just hear what I said? Hey, when the movie opens, Cruise’s wife is shot in the head. But get this–the girl lives at the end! His wife doesn’t die! Some other woman was wearing a mask, you know, like Scooby-Doo. Now you know the end–don’t make the same mistake I did!”
…
“YOU THERE! Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. Say, you look like a smart couple, tell me you’re not seeing… you are. Why? Look at your glasses–they’re too cool, you must’ve bought those in Uptown? Well, a girl like you should be checking out Drawing Restraint 9 or hanging out at Chino Latino and you, what are you doing taking your girlfriend for a date out here in the ‘burbs? What kind of a guy takes a girl to a mall for Mission: Impossible? What’d you go to the Cheesecake Factory, too? There isn’t anything better to do in Uptown? Jesus, clean your house, have group sex, join a cult, do anything but see this movie! Ah, for God’s sake, go see your damn movie. Capra had it right, youth is wasted on the wrong people…”
…
“Me? Well, I’m glad you asked–got a minute? Less than a minute, then, I’ll walk with you. Look, I’m trying to get people to stay away from Mission: Impossible. Are you kidding? Look at it, I mean, look at it! Unbelievably, they try to brain-up this idiot-fest with references to Ralph Ellison and H. G. Wells’ Invisible Man. There’s a reference to the intelligence failings of the Bush Administration. The bad guy refers to affirmative action. Yes, it is amazing, as is Tom Cruise’s flexing his physics muscles later in the movie. I don’t know, he’s going to swing from one skyscraper to another, has to figure out angles and fulcrums, beats me, I failed that class. Anyway, best of all there’s this scene, right in the middle of the film, where Simon Pegg, who starred in and wrote Shaun of the Dead (a decent movie, pal) has this line–and Pegg’s the only good thing in this monumental waste–where he tells us about this Anti-God, which doesn’t make any sense even if you see the movie, because the weapon everyone’s after is called the Rabbit’s Foot. Anyway, the Anti-God, according to the character Pegg plays, is this theoretical device that incorporates so much technology that it lays waste to everything, cities, people, mountains, anything of beauty.
“Don’t you see–Mission: Impossible is the Anti-God! This movie eats little movies like cotton candy. Look at all the people going in–it’s wasting everything! Think of how much business a little playhouse would make if these people went to watch real actors in some decent drama! Or play with their kids, have conversations, anything! In Hollywood, Paramount Pictures is choosing this over something with a real plot and real acting! Maybe even decent special effects. That’s why I’m trying to keep people away. Wait, what? I thought you were going to see… You’re going to see Mission: Impossible? After what I just told you? My God, they got to you, too…”
…
“Ma’am, better think twice about taking junior, there–Mission: Impossible’s got soft porn in it. That’s right, the Katie Holmes look-alike starts shaking her bezungas and thrusting her hips over Cruise in slo-mo right at the end. It’s the money shot. Well, it’s supposed to be, like, she’s doing CPR on him, well I think it is supposed to be kind of hot, she’s wearing a skimpy tank top, sweating, mouth open… I’m telling you this ’cause you’re taking that kid in there. PG-13 or no, you’re going to expose your kid to some intense wet dream material. C’mon, go see Akeelah and the Bee, it’s a good movie, it’s fairly real. Or stay home, read your Bible, watch the stars come out. OK, whatever, you want to raise a sex offender, that’s your kid, not mine.”
…
“Hold on, hold on, I got a right to be out here–public property. Wait a minute–do I really look like a threat? I couldn’t intimidate a sack of baby mice. Listen, officer, I get to talk if I want to, it’s a free country. It’s Mission: Impossible, officer, it’s evil! It’s the worst movie of the year so far… What? You agree? Jesus, you’re my hero…”
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