The Feast Index

"Be not angry or sour at table; whatever may happen put on the cheeful mien for good humor makes one dish a feast."

from the Shaker manual Gentle Manners.

 

THE FEAST INDEX

Estimated number of turkeys rasied in Minnesota in 2007: 46 million

Rank of Minnesota in the top six turkey producing states: 1

Estimated pounds of cranberries produced by Wisconsin this year: 390 million

Amount by which that kicks ass over Massachusetts, the second largest producer: 210 million

Average spoonfuls of cranberry sauce that someone under the age of 15 will put on their plate: .5

Percentage of grocery store checkout ladies that knew what quince were: 25%

Margin by which the vote swung against me and my whole wheat dinner rolls: 5

Amount, in pounds, of potatoes I expect to be eaten: 10

Amount, in pounds, of butter that I expect to use: 4

Number of people eating The Feast at my house: 15

Number who will wince as my diabetic mother-in-law goes in for her second piece of pie: 14

Ratio of guests to matching silverware: 15:11

Minimum hours spent laboriously pressing cloth napkins that will only get wrinkled and mashed up anyway!: 2

Chances that my husband and his sister will get in a politically motivated "discussion": 1 in 4

Amount of holiday cheer that I will need, expressed in ounces of Johnnie Walker Blue: 18

Chances that a dessert will contain pumpkin: 2 in 3

Chances that, as I’m eating the dessert, I will feel like a pumpkin: 3 in 3

Minutes after the last guest leaves that the first turkey sandwich will be eaten: 27.3

Maximum number of days post-feat that I will be deconstructing the night with some local ladies at McGarry’s Pub: 3