Stupid Sex

Sex is the great equalizer, for does not the rich man
conduct his doggy-style in much the same way as the poor man? Granted, the rich
man conducts his to the tune of $5,000 per
while the poor man’s might’ve cost him a bottle of Strawberry Hill at
the liquor store down the block, but in the end, both situations result in
guttural noises and a tattered
web of ego-salving lies

But there’s a dark side to the equalizing power of sex.
Minnesota may be the 13th smartest state, according to the last
round of the Smartest State Awards, but once the subtle, nigh ultrasonic
rustling sound of frilly underwear hitting the floor causes blood to rush south
to engorge parts unknown and the sheets are stained with fesenjoon,
we’re every bit as willfully, soul-crushingly stupid as Arizona, #50 on the
list. As a result, the occurrence of sexually transmitted diseases has risen
steadily in Minnesota, since as far back as 1996.

Now, to be fair, it’s quite possible that Minnesotans strip
down and make like crack-addled bunnies significantly more often than your
average Arizonan, especially given that our fair state goes for approximately
six months without seeing sun nor experiencing warmth, so it’s natural for us
to seek solace and body heat in mind-numbing
. But that’s no excuse for a nearly four percent gain in cases
of syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea in just the last year. And of course,
that doesn’t include the rampant crabs, trichomoniasis, genital HPV infection
and other assorted cooties generally associated with icky

There’s plenty of blame to go around for the fact that
double bagging it will soon be standard practice when picking up moderately
attractive drunks
in front of the Lone Tree Bar downtown. We’ll start with
the modern-day Pandora’s box that is the state government, of course. A paltry
$1.3 million in state funding was proposed for STD screening and public
education in the legislature. Of course, in these days of instant
gratification, the funding was cut. $1.3 million is too much to spend on a
program that would likely take a few years to return the investment in the form
of healthier babies, reduced cancer rates, and a dramatic drop in Nietzsche-esque
insanity and sibling lust
– a condition HMOs are often loathe to cover.
Plus, think of the horrific janitorial costs as thousands of men shift
uncomfortably, attempting vainly to hit the urinal whilst their collective
crotches are on fire.

There are certainly other reasons for this steady decline in
pubic health. These include:

  • pediatricians and family doctors
    reluctant to talk with their patients about sexual health for fear
    of finding out just how the lollipops handed out after each visit are
    truly used by oversexed teenagers,
  • abstinence-only
    sex education programs – because preventing kids from learning about how
    to protect themselves in the event they want to bang their way through the
    cheerleading squad/football team/woodwind section of the school orchestra
    seemed like such a good idea at the time

bottom line is that half of high school seniors and more than 75 percent of
college students in Minnesota are happily humping their way through their
academic careers, and many of them think that love is all the antibiotic they
need. That’s not even mentioning the staggering fact that 25
percent of girls 14-19
in the U.S. have an STD. A problem with this scope
may require a bit more than good intentions, a subscription to Penthouse and
the occasional call to DTMFA from Dan Savage.

To put an even finer point on it, before he started
gnawing on the furniture and frothing at the mouth (but after he started
chasing his sister’s skirt), Mr. Nietzsche said that, "…if a woman seeks
education, it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning."
Given that we’re inexorably headed toward a day when the entire state
experiences a burning
sensation when it pees
, it may be wise to offer the education before the
girls, or boys, have a chance to request it.