Will Minnesota Go Beyond Thunderdome?

Today marks the beginning of a new dark age for Minnesota. It is a time
of injustice. A time in which brother turns on brother and LOLcats replace
poetry and prose as the high art of the day. 
Should the scales not be balanced in short order, the post-industrial
wasteland depicted in the upcoming remake of Death Race may replace our bucolic
Midwestern paradise.
 

I speak, of course, of the pending cuts to the state’s
public safety budget that took effect today. To make the fuzzy math of state
government budgets work, nearly $5 million was trimmed from the district courts
and public defense board. When you’re looking at the looming specter of a $1
billion deficit, this seems like peanuts. A torrid night with Tara Reid would
cost more, and at first glance, the long term
ramifications seem far more dire. However, these cuts translate into a nightmarish
reality that is far more frightening than even the desiccated visage of Cyndi Brucato,
who, like Lord Voldemort, must feed nightly on the blood of unicorns and
virgins to maintain her horrific
unlife.

I speak, of course, of the already overworked and understaffed
courts. The average public defender currently operates under a caseload of
between 70 and 130 cases. The budget cuts that went into effect today bring
with them a reduction of 72 more positions – all attorneys. These cuts come as
a combination of attrition and layoffs, some of which have already happened. And
increasing the caseload further does not bode well for Minnesota’s justice system.

Of course, the average Minnesotan might not believe these
cuts will have any effect on their life. Content to continue on in their
prosaic daily routine, these citizens are blithely unaware of the danger this
situation poses. Most law-abiding people assume that, as long as they violate
no statutes laid down by the duly elected authorities and follow the directions
of the friendly Taser-wielding officers of the law, the pending failure of our
courts of law will have no bearing on them. They are sadly mistaken.

Not only will court dates take significantly longer to come
by, since public defenders’ will be stretched to their limits, but the quality
of representation will likely fall almost as fast as Verne Troyer’s romantic
appeal upon his "partner’s" comment that he’s "…hung
like a 2’8" man". And because the accused will have less than ideal
representation, many offenders who are actually guilty of the crimes they’re
accused of will walk free on appeal, or as a result of mistrials, or any other
of a multitude of procedural problems. To say nothing of the ongoing pain of
victims’ just looking for justice and closure.

The ongoing need for closure, increased rate of convictions
overturned on appeal and longer wait for criminals to go behind bars as their day
in court gets pushed farther and farther out will create a culture of lawlessness.
Vigilante bands desperate for justice will roam the mean streets of Minneapolis and Saint
Paul. The recent trend toward smaller, more fuel
efficient cars will suddenly be reversed as bulletproof glass, steel plate and
30 millimeter chainguns become the automotive accessories of choice. The
highways will be battlefields as commuters jockey for position, desperate to
make it to secured parking lots before scavengers claim their vehicles for
scrap.

On the other hand, many will save ridiculous amounts of
money by telecommuting – thus conserving gas and ammunition for weekly supply
runs to Walmart.