Author: Phyllis Coates

  • Flyover Chic

    “Hey,” I was told, “there’s a great new bar in town—ya gotta go check it out.” The source, a well-known political player whose observations always come heavily seasoned with interlocking, multisyllabic profanities, chuckled perversely. “It’s the Red, White and Fucking Blue Bar.”

    “The Red White and Blue Bar?” I queried. “What is it? Some kind of patriotic, VFW kind of deal?”

    “No, you stupid bitch,” he said affectionately. “That’s its fucking name: the Red, White and Fucking Blue Bar. At the Chambers.”
    Not only has real estate tycoon Ralph Burnet built an artsy boutique hotel on the corner of Ninth and Hennepin, he’s installed a bar on the fifth-floor rooftop terrace.

    You can perhaps understand why it took some time for the news to sink in. Because most news outlets have rules censoring the granddaddy of four-letter words (including when Dick Cheney uses it), there hasn’t been much mention of the bar’s name in media reports extolling the virtues of the Chambers’ art, architecture, Jean-Georges food, and overall fabulousness. Even hotel staff get slightly nervous when the name comes up.

    “Uh, we prefer to call it the ‘rooftop lounge,’ ” said one. But on a cocktail-hour field trip to the Twin Cities’ new conclave of chic, the bar’s real name was on full display, in eponymous colored neon on the wall facing the entrance: “Red, White and Fucking Blue.” The signage is actually a 2004 artwork by Tracey Emin, one of many pieces from Burnet’s Young British Artists collection installed throughout the hotel.

    Emin’s art aside, there is nothing remotely red, white, or fucking blue about the RW&FB Bar, unless you count the gigantic red Powerball that hovers on a billboard near the outdoor terrace like some rumpled mope without a VIP pass. Red, white, and fucking blue bars are warm, rambunctious joints, bastions of elbow-rubbing diversity like Nye’s, Grumpy’s, or O’Gara’s—places where patrons have to get real drunk and noisy before an eyebrow is raised.

    There’s no room for that sort of lowbrow nonsense at the RW&FB Bar. The stark white, wall-to-wall-windowed room—with its stunning views, low-slung postmodern couches, and glittering, pristine bar lit by dangling, glowing rods—is as coolly beautiful as a supermodel, and just as remote. The stylish presentation carries over to the staff. Our server, who said her last job had been “slinging beers at guys” across the street at the truly red, white, and fucking bluish MacKenzie, now discussed the wine list using well-accented French. Her backless black dress (one of several items designed in New York expressly for the Chambers staff) offered a peek at a low-riding tattoo as she slinked through the room, serving drinks using the straight-backed, slightly-bent-knee technique favored by Playboy bunnies and other servers whose wardrobes make bending from the waist impossible under current laws governing public decency.
    “It’s very coastal,” a member of our party commented, and he was right. The place felt like one of the super-sleek hotels in Los Angeles or New York (the Standard or the Hudson, for example), where anyone exhibiting any kind of red, white, or fucking blue attitude would be seated in Siberia, if at all. Translated locally, that means come on down to the RW&FB Bar, but if you’re thinking about dressing up in your favorite reindeer sweater or embroidered sweatshirt, think again.

    Are Minnesotans ready to move into this kind of hipoisie hotel hyperspace? It would seem that for a certain demographic—older men, trophy girlfriends, and well-tended women of a certain age—the answer is yes. The paint had barely dried on the Chambers’ “open” sign when Burnet announced his plans to turn the Foshay Tower into the Twin Cities’ first W Hotel. But if you’re looking to hang with the truly arty and hip, they’re probably still where they’ve always been—tossing back cheap cocktails at Psycho Suzi’s.

  • Watch Your Words!

    On a recent sultry afternoon, three of us bellied up to the cool oak bar at one of our favorite hangouts and engaged in two age-old writers’ past-times, tall drinks and short stories. For the next few hours the air grew thick with bold-faced names and barbed commentary, and while the bartender kept the booze flowing discreetly, I caught him snickering several times at some of our verbal acrobatics. One of my companions finally said, “You’re getting an earful today, aren’t you?”

    Thank Christ we tip him well or we’d be in danger of reading our reckless remarks on the Twin Cities’ newest voyeuristic website, overheardinminneapolis.com. Subtitled “What Happens in Minneapolis … Goes on the Internet,” Overheard in Minneapolis urges eavesdroppers to post anything they hear—the more asinine or acidic the better—thus creating a great place to take the pulse of our Midwest metropolis, one earful at a time.

    The site was launched by a woman who wants only to be known by her first name—Angie—“for the time being.” Originally from Northern Minnesota, Angie lived out of state for several years, returned to the Cities a year ago, and currently has a day job at “an office in St. Paul.” She spends five to six hours a night on the site.

    So far, many of Overheard in Minneapolis’ comments are coming from bars and restaurants, where the tables are close and liquored-up lips often flap most loosely.

    Here are some recent postings:

    Drunk Woman: The race of women has been held down too long!

    Sober Man: What in the hell are you talking about? I think you mean gender.

    Drunk Woman: You don’t know shit, you’re just a stupid immigrant.

    Sober Man: I was born in Roseville.

    —Bulldog Bar, Uptown

    Nurse #1: I want to be 23 forever!

    Nurse #2: Oh, really. Why?

    Nurse #1: Yeah, ‘cuz like, 25 seems so old.

    —North Minneapolis Hospital

    A personal favorite, from the Rail Station Bar:

    Drunk man: What are you going to school for?

    Girl: Journalism.

    Drunk man: Ohh, can’t beat that. Can’t beat that at all. That’s GREAT.

    (long pause) … what’s journalism?

    Our local Overheard site is not a novel idea—Angie was inspired by overheardinnewyork.com. Still, compared with the often profane muscularity of NYC eavesdroppees (“there’s definitely a lot more crazy people in New York,” she notes), we seem a little timid coming out of the box. Here’s a Manhattan sampling:

    Tween Boy: Mom! Let’s go already!

    Mom: If you’re so bored, go play in traffic.

    —Victoria’s Secret, Lincoln Center

    From two men passing each other on the street:

    Middle-aged man #1: Hey!

    Middle-aged man #2: I didn’t recognize you with clothing on.

    —62nd & Broadway

    Or take these one-liners on Jesus:

    Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

    —Wall Street

    Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

    —Key Food, 235th St.

    Still, what the Twin Cities may lack in swagger and oddball panache, they more than make up for in whacked-out smarts. Here’s an exchange overheard at Coffman Union at the U of M:

    A girl smiling, listening to a boy on an escalator:

    Boy: English is the only language where you call things what they really are. (holds up a pencil) Like, what is this?

    Girl: Der ist ein Bleistift!

    Boy: No, no it isn’t! It’s a pencil!

    Whereas, in New York, you get incidents like this, in Macy’s:

    Saleslady: Where are you from?

    Tourist: Kansas City.

    Saleslady: There’s a city in Kansas? Like with buildings?

    Tourist: Yes.

    Saleslady: Tall ones?