The Rake Magazine

Category: Article

  • Mayhem at Mickey's Diner

    Let me start off by saying, I’m not a particularly political person. I care, don’t get me wrong, but I just prefer to do what I do best, staying in the pretty bubble of art, music and what-have-you. I am an A+E Editor, after all, not a political commentator! I rarely watch TV, but when I do I often assume it’s an extra-violent news day, even though deep down I know that’s the way the world is, and I subsequently shut it out of my mind. It might be ignorant of me, but hell, my brain can only hold so much information, and the battle I’ve personally chosen is one of making sure you know exactly where to go to see the coolest art, music, and performance – and trust me, it’s not that easy of a job!

    However, I do appreciate passionate people; people who are so into whatever they are doing that it basically takes over their life and becomes their identity. I think it’s impressive and endearing (and only once in a while, creepy). My decision to cover the scene in Downtown St. Paul was fairly innocent – I not only wanted to see a massive throng of people coming together to stand up for something they believed in, but I also wanted to see what they were wearing. Yes, it’s true. After watching the Liberty Parade this past weekend, I had a feeling plenty of sassy nut jobs in outrageous get-ups would be out in full force. I was definitely right, but what I didn’t really bank on was getting tear-gassed by the end of the night.

    It was my definitely own fault for insisting on staying with the unruly masses when they came to a halt in front of Mickey’s Diner on West 7th, after a generally peaceful 4-mile march through the city to the foot of the RNC. I just couldn’t help it though. The photo ops were just too good.

    After following the some 5,000 or so protesters up from the RNC gates to the street, I was at the tail end of things, having stuck behind to snap pics of some guy who looked like Jesus swaying in front of a line of cops with a miniature rainbow flag on a stick. The scene up at Mickey’s Diner was pretty ridiculous. About 150 cops in full riot gear flanked all sides of the street, trying to herd the protesters all in one direction. One cop sat perched on the top of Mickey’s, others stood on squad cars in bad-ass RoboCop poses.

    While the majority of the march had shuffled off so as not to aggravate the cops, a core group of about 200 or so stayed behind and basically just stood there, chanting and talking smack to the lines of police. Honestly, I think both sides were looking for a fight of sorts. The cops were practically vibrating with excitement at the thought of getting to kick the crowd’s ass, and the protesters seemed to want them to do it, and were basically asking them to do it by not moving after the three warnings police gave, ordering everyone to disperse via bullhorn.

    Dumb as I am, I stayed right up at the front of the police line somehow thinking they wouldn’t actually do it, I mean, no one was threatening them, maybe they would just pepper spray a few rowdy punks and everyone else would walk quickly away, virtually unscathed. Not so much. I heard a loud pop and saw billows of tear gas start rising up in the middle of the crowd. Numerous more pops and the streets were filled with screaming protesters running aimlessly as lines of police advanced on us. I turned tail and began booking up the street, veering away from the thick line of cops liberally dousing retreating protesters with huge arcs of pepper spray as flash grenades and tear gas canisters fell all around us. People were writhing on the ground crying and screaming for medics, and while everyone ran, the police seemed to be shooting things directly at our backs. A tear gas canister whizzed by about a foot away from me, bounced off an electrical box right into my line of retreat and started seething smoke. I jumped over it with my scarf covering my face and kept on running. At some point a boy that looked to be about 16 or 17 asked me to please help him and I just yelled at him to keep running and yanked at his sleeve, dragging him on. I saw a crying girl stumble too close to the police line, which was met by a douse of pepper spray that was so extreme that it literally splashed off her face, downing her instantly. Another young kid was balled up by the doorway to an office building, clawing at his eyes and bawling while other protesters screamed for someone to help him. I’d never seen such a thing. It was like a war zone, minus the actual killing of course. Eventually I ducked around a corner and got out of the fray, coughing and rubbing my eyes until I found a bus stop bench to sit down on, regroup, and let my panic meter go down.

    I had lost my friends Stephen, Dylan and Paul, and upon calling them I found they were locked in a freezer at the Dominos Pizza place across from Mickey’s, where they had gone to get a bite to eat after the main protest dispersed. When the mayhem broke out, tear gas had apparently begun to seep in through the closed door of the place to the point that all the employees and customers had retreated to the freezer until the smoke cleared out. I think they got free pizza out of it, so that’s at least one positive.

    After about an hour of trying to cross multiple police lines that had positioned themselves all around the area, I was finally reunited with my posse, who had been on the opposite side of the line. We were forced by the police to take the long way around to the Capitol and up to Paul’s car, which was parked on University. Along the way we passed by at least 500 cops in full riot gear, traveling in menacing packs all over downtown and at the Capitol. It was quite intimidating, and a little bit shocking, considering the sheer numbers. As the protesters had been chanting all night, "This is what a police state looks like!"

    At any rate, you probably won’t be getting any more play-by-play coverage of police riots from me. I’m still jumping at loud noises, and have had enough of the smell of hippies and crust-punks to last me for quite awhile. Here’s my advice for future protesters: start running before they start shooting tear gas – it does not feel as awesome as you’d think!

    Click HERE to see even more pics snapped by both myself and Stephen from the protest and our day Downtown. We don’t have anything from the actual confrontation, as we were busy running/ hiding in freezers. Strangely enough, videos of the melee taken by Kare 11, that were up on their website just last night, are now down; however, they do have some good still shots HERE.

  • Politics Lite: Inside the Xcel

    After popping into PetSmart for a new dog tag and Home Depot for some new levelers, I head right next door to the Doubletree Park Place in St. Louis Park. How convenient! My plan is to catch a ride to the Xcel Energy Center with whatever delegation happens to be staying there. It turns out to be the Georgians, and they’ve taken to referring to their quarters as "The Georgia Hotel." I like their sense of claimstaking.

    A friendly man in a neon vest asks where I’m looking to go. Thinking I’m busted, despite my legitimate credentials and earlier phone inquiries, I play it cool but slightly miffed. I’ve already had to change my outfit in the parking lot after realizing how underdressed I was. Grateful for the bag of preppy teacher clothes waiting to be dropped off for donation, I throw a sweater over my polo shirt (instant fancy!) and change out of my summer sandals. These Georgians aren’t messing around: high-high heels, slinky dresses, snazzy sportcoats with zippers on the pockets.

    Now comfortably playing the role of dowdy journalist, I engage the friendly fellow in neon, who appears to be running the show. He turns out to be the brother of Debbie Woodward, the woman who turned around the Northrup King Building which houses our office. Well acquainted with The Rake, he takes a shine to me and lets me in on how things with the visiting delegates are going. "They’re dumb," he emphatically spits out. "I’m sorry?" I think I must have misheard him. "They’re just dumb," he repeats. "Did you grow up here? Be thankful you got a DFL education." He doesn’t utter these remarks in a mean-spirited way, rather he’s just surprised at how logistically difficult they’ve been to coordinate. I tell him something non-committal like, That’s always the way with big groups.

    A genuinely fancy lady approaches and asks about getting on the shuttle. She doesn’t have her credentials, but assures us both they’re simply awaiting her pick-up at the Xcel. "You oughtta work for The Rake," he points at me. "They get their folks full credentials." "I work for myself," she replies, and thanks us for our help.

    I hop on the trolley destined for Brit’s in Minneapolis. AT&T is hosting a party there for the Georgians and I’ll try to get in. On the way one of the cuter delegates talks about having eaten a cookie today. For about ten minutes she laughs about this. I am happy to see the out-of-towners making the most of our fair cities. We tour past the Sculpture Gardens, Walker Art Center and Loring Park. I take in the sights and make believe I’m viewing them with out-of-town eyes. I’m impressed by the city’s history as our trolley driver tries to be heard over the cookie laughs.

    As you may have guessed, I am not allowed into the private Brit’s party, not being from Georgia and not being a delegate. I walk a block and catch one of the fleet of tour busses headed to St. Paul. Upon crossing the river, one rider announces loudly, "Uh oh! We’re going over a bridge!" It is apparent he is looking for laughs, but the joke doesn’t land.

    To get into the Xcel I have to walk through the "FOX Experience." What you "experience" is an onslaught of Hannity and Colmes close-ups and volunteers thrusting geeky hats at you.

    Inside I immediately take in the prevalence of these geeky hats and other kitschy wears. Blinky lapel pins, red-white-and-blue everything, cowboy hats galore. Is democracy supposed to be this tacky? Is this why we alternately hate/ envy the French? Would they be caught dead in any of this garb?

    One woman in the Florida delegation catches my eye. She’s wearing a gold silk kimono-type dress with exaggerated sleeves. She’s wearing gold stilettos, big gold hoop earrings. She’s primed for Myth Nightclub. I like how she shakes her assets in time with the elevator jazz tunes blaring over the speakers. I also like the guy up high in the NBC skybox/ makeshift studio. He’s up against the glass, butt to the entire convention, shaking just like the Florida gal. I can’t tell if he’s sincerely getting down, or if he’s mocking the whole show. Whatever the motivation, he doesn’t stop for nearly ten minutes.

    In keeping with my recent State Fair binge eating, I stop by the concessions area. Two women walk by me, "They got the food thing open today!" "Well somebody got a brain!" Yes, brain indeed. The concessionaires can’t slop condiments on fast enough. They’re almost out of sweet tea. Two bratty kids wearing Dorothy red slippers cry out, "Just bread and meat! Bread and meat!" They are unimpressed with the array of cheeseburger toppings. Not surprisingly, the line for vegetarian wraps and chef salads is non-existent. These are red meat eating delegates.

    I feel like I’m in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. Everyone’s potentially suspicious: that woman in the spotless chef’s jacket; that "priest." Two very serious men walk by, one holding some kind of device, the other holding an appendage of the device. I figure it’s a bomb-sniffing metal-detector of sorts. The guy holding the device keeps looking at the dials saying, "louder, louder," as they creep slowly past.

    The speakers:

    Jo Ann Davidson, co-chair of the RNC, keeps pronouncing it "NAY-tional, NAY-tional." I’m unsure what that accent is, but it also leads her to proclaim the VP nominee’s name as "Sarah Paw-linty."

    Norm Coleman amps his East Coast tenor with several sprinkles of "haaaaahd" work, and other such classic JFK-isms. He tries a joke with the punchline of, "I’m not indecisive, am I? That coulda been an Obama campaign slogan!" The reporter beside me leans in and points out, "He used to be a Democrat, you know? Talk about indecisive."

    Rake favorite Michele Bachman takes the stage and makes Minnesotans look like a pack of idiots. "It’s not just a saying," her crazy-eyes open wider than could be healthy. "We really ARE nice here. We’re FRIENDLY, HAPPY PEOPLE! And we do have a lot of liberals in Minnesota, but they’re HAPPY liberals." How many times she repeats the words "happy" and "nice," she sounds like a foreign language learner who stopped trying after chapter one.

    Big cheers all around with any mention or jumbo-tron photo montage of Lincoln, Babs, Reagan, the usual. Babs and George Sr. do show up about halfway through the night, almost too much of a surprise for the giddy delegates to handle.

    Current President George W. Bush is introduced by his wife (in person) and speaks to the convention (via satellite). It’s only slightly awkward when he’s unsure how long to wait for laughs after cracking a joke. (Laura’s wearing a spicier outfit tonight, possibly in response to Cindy McCain’s hot number the night before. And it’s cute how she says the word "muh-skituh" when mentioning the pesky insect.) The scary stay-the-course steadfastness makes an appearance in Bush’s remarks when he proclaims, "To protect America we must stay on the OFFENSIVE."

    Miles McPherson, former San Diego Charger, current pastor, underscores that "Character is doing what’s right even when nobody’s looking." This was one of our core Army Values when I was in, although we used his phrasing as the definition for "integrity." There’s a lot of riling up the troops here that’s reminding me of past Army leaders’ attempts at the same.

    Each speaker is framed by bucolic, digitized, small-town backdrops. Sometimes they morph into wheat fields. Sometimes they’re stars and stripes. Always they are undeniably iconic Americana. And so is Miss Florida. And the brat kids wanting a plain burger. And even Norm Coleman’s gigantic teeth.

    I head back to the busses forgoing the media open bar. I’ve imbibed enough spirit here
    to keep me tipsy for a good long while.

  • Why Party Like a Rock Star When You Can Party Like a Delegate?

    Not yet near the doors of the Minneapolis Convention Center Sunday night and I am already handed Republican swag, in the form of a DVD. This DVD "as seen on CNN and FOX News" depicts on its cover the iconic image of a radical Islam toddler wielding a rifle. I politely put it in my purse as if I sincerely plan on watching.

    My guest and I are already out of sorts and being ushered in the doors through a Notre-Dame-like tunnel of earnest outcries. "Welcome to Minnesota!!" they shout. "Thank you, thank you, lovely place," we reflexively reply. We’re traipsing down a gawdy red carpet alongside thousands of genuine Republican delegates just thrilled about their Welcome Party. Having scored tickets, we’re thrilled too.

    Guests don the costume-y gear you might expect: patriotic scarves; gigantic elephant jewelry; nametags with lasso designs around the edges. There are cute elephant ears (worn on headbands), but I’d rather have the pastry. Billed as a "Red Carpet Affair," I didn’t know what to wear. Nor did, apparently, several of the delegates. But who is there to care? What with the free food and booze (as Kate Iverson so kindly mentioned I dig), most guests were quite contented. I heard one happy delegate urge his friend to move along from the meat carving station, "You can’t DRINK roast beef!"

    A few non-food or booze highlights (although the Bud Light Limes were surprisingly tasty):

    Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln. These Republicans just can’t get enough of the guy. Naturally my guest brings up the Phil Hartman "History as it Really Happened" sketch in which Lincoln is shot for being so damn annoying and raunchy while watching that fateful play. And so, I can’t give the guy dressed as Lincoln any serious attention. Nor am I all that wowed by the semi-trailer-cum-Lincoln-museum parked along one wall of the auditorium. I do like the souvenir penny/ lapel pin they give me upon exit.

    Other vehicles on display include a 1986 prototype of Reagan’s Cadillac limousine. An excited volunteer points out that Reagan made a special request to have the roof raised three inches thereby accommodating his wearing a cowboy hat inside. What a diva.

    "FDR’s limo" is also there, but it isn’t really a limo, just an old car. Delegates checking it out joke, "I bet the Democrats were giving him crap about driving this thing around! His carbon footprint, HA!"

    Party-goers wait in a long line to walk through a replica of Air Force One. I wait awhile, then get antsy for more action and head to CNN’s mobile studio. In the doors of the bus and almost out again, the guide finally asks if we have any questions. "Yeah," I say, annoyed that he needs prompting to do his job, "So what goes on here?" The answer is actually well-delivered, once elicited (all their on-the-trail coverage is filmed and edited within the bus, and we’re allowed to see the control room).

    Norm Coleman’s teeth are maybe the greatest highlight of all. One really can’t appreciate their Chicklet-like quality without seeing them up close. Rent There’s Something about Mary to remind you what Matt Dillion’s teeth look like after he gets them "done" for her. And Coleman’s tiny head only makes those capped chompers more prominent. Norm’s L.A. wife waits glassily on his arm while my co-hort makes Beetlejuice remarks about his shrunken skull, surely loud enough to be heard.

    The think tank in charge of this operation spared no expense when it came to cultivating patriotism. The frequency and volume of Lee Greenwood’s "Proud to be an American" hearkens back to my Basic Training days in South Carolina. The loon calls piped into the restrooms are something altogether new.

    Perhaps most patriotic of all is Harriet, the 27-year old bald eagle on display. We could have gotten our picture taken with the elderly Harriet, but it was more fun watching others, imagining them the would-be victims when Harriet finally snaps. I bemoan the fact she’s kept in a poorly-disguised dog crate when traveling. "But that’s an eagle crate," my friend corrects me, and then asks if I think Harriet gives autographs. My American pride is at its all-time apex.

    Overheard:

    Big guy flanked for photo op by two Miss Teen Minnesota contestants proclaims: "This makes my whole [dag-gum] trip!! [Coo-coo!]"

    "Caramelized onions?! What WILL they think of NEXT?!"

    Several of the not-found-anywhere-else exhibits mentioned here (plus actual First Ladies’ gowns, a replica of the Oval Office, and a scale model of the White House) are still on display and open to the public during the Minneapolis Convention Center’s CivicFest. See "The Rake’s Secrets to Surviving the RNC" for more info. I can not guarantee they’ll give you caramelized onions if you go.

    Click HERE to read about my misadventures inside the Xcel.

  • A Sventabulous Time!

    What is it about Sven Sundgaard?

    All the other news anchors are just news anchors; chipper, vaguely good looking, with the ability to pull off a solid color pantsuit. But Sven, there’s just something about him. Is it his frighteningly tan skin, regardless of season? His petite faux-hawk, nice pec muscles, and suspicious gayness? What is it that makes a bizarre number of men and women in the Twin Cities extremely excited by this Kare 11 weatherman? Lured by him, drawn to him. There are innumerable blogs devoted to him…his likeness to an Oompa Loompa…questions about his sexuality. One person said he wished he could put Sven in his pocket and carry him around.

    Yesterday in the Kare 11 building at the State Fair, I got my picture taken with Sven. Hoards of excited people, myself included, had shown up to gawk at the pint sized weatherman while he predicted the forecast, live at five. He kissed babies, chatted on his cell phone, waved to the crowd. A burly, middle age man in the audience shouted, "Sven you’re hot!" The woman behind me turned excitedly to her husband and said, "He’s almost as tall as me!"

    In person, Sven comes in at maybe 5’4", and he looks startling like a troll doll. He’s a good-looking guy, don’t get me wrong. An orange, short, stubby, chipper, good looking guy. And I don’t know why, but I loves me some Sven Sundgaard. I wasn’t expecting to have my photo taken with Sven; I also wasn’t expecting to win the lottery, or hear an experimental classical music troupe perform on the U of M stage outside the food building. A band that sounded, honestly, like the worst time anyone could have tripping on mushrooms. But so it goes at the Fair!

    Yesterday, I was too tired to care. I knew it would be my last day at the Fair; I knew I wanted a malt at some point, but it was really hot and crowded. I was also playing third-wheel, and was kind of hungover. My husband has been out of town, and when he goes away, I don’t sleep well. I watch too much TV, drink too much alone, and google late, late into the night. That’s how I found this gem.

    It was my friend and her boyfriend’s first day at the Fair, and when we walked through the gates and looked out on the sea of sweaty Minnesotans, my friend turned to me and said, "I’m lost already." I am an expert at finding my way around at this point, so I became their unofficial Fair compass. Fried Green Tomatoes? Right this way. Modern Living building? Follow me.

    We had a good time puttering the afternoon away, munching on cheese curds, chocolate malts, stopping at the MPR building, the Faces of Meth booth. "I think that chick got hotter after the meth." "Meth made that guy look a lot like Daniel Day-Lewis." And then we hit the Midway.

    I’ve been intrigued by the Magnum, the sexy-shake ‘em ride at the Midway, since day one. The backsplash is a mural of Hawaiian Tropics looking girls in bikinis and it just doesn’t seem Fair appropriate. My friends wanted to ride it, so we went. The woman who tore my ticket said, "You’re going to want to tie your hair back." I didn’t, and my hair looked like spun, cotton candy afterwards.

    Sweet lord, that ride doesn’t fuck around. It spins you around, while it pulls and pushes you on a twirling circular track. It’s basically like being dizzy from every possible angle. And it is not fun. It would be fun, if it lasted for thirty-seconds. But it lasts for three minutes. I sort of had to burp at one point, while being flipped upside down, and sucked backwards, which is a sensation I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

    Then we rode the Tilt-A-Whirl because evidently, my friends like being extraordinarily dizzy. I think there are people who like roller coasters, and people who like spin-me-around rides. Yesterday, I learned I’m a coaster girl.

    I have this memory of going to the State Fair and getting a ton of free food. I’m not just talking water handouts at WCCO, and eating the rest of someone’s cheese curds. I mean: I asked the vendor – I received – no money changed hands. Pickles, cookies, pork chops. That’s my memory. Sounds too good to be true, I know. And the thing is, no one else remembers this. I’ve asked dozens of people: "Nope." "I wasn’t there." "Must have been someone else." "That sounds like you made it up."

    You can imagine my excitement when halfway though the afternoon, my friend turned to me and said, "Hey, remember that year we came to the Fair, and we got drunk off rum and Frutopia, and you got a bunch of free food?"

    "Yes!" I said, overjoyed. I’ve been dying to share this memory with someone since I was sixteen and a bunch of us did in fact, sneak as-awful-tasting-as-it-sounds rum and Frutopia into the Fair, got drunk, hung out, and I scored us a bunch of free food. "How’d you get all that free food, anyway?" She asked me, biting into her gargantuan corn dog. (I stand corrected, corn dogs are not the same as Pronto Pups, they are much, much tastier.) "I don’t know, I think I was just drunk, and annoying, and sixteen. I guess I asked."

    "Hey," we heard a group of teenage boys behind us say, "Want to see if any of the animals have afterbirth hanging out?" referring to the miraculously gross innards that accompany the cute little animals in the Miracle of Birth building. Ah, to be young again.

    "You guys want to ride the gondola?" friend’s boyfriend asks us.
    "I need more cheese curds, first," friend says.
    "Maybe a brat." I chime in.
    "With Kraut?" he asks.
    "Of course," I reply.
    "That’s a good Midwestern girl for ya," he muses, approval ringing in his voice.

    And off we went.

  • Spark It Up!

    As activists on the West Side get the shake down from the cops, and St. Paul frets and fusses over last minute preparations at RNC ground zero; Downtown Minneapolis geared up to show its artistic flair at Spark24!

    What is Spark24 you ask? Well, if you haven’t been living under a rock for the past month, you probably already know. This 24-hour extravaganza incorporated music, performance, art, dance, and partying of all varieties. If you missed it, you missed out – the spark was definitely electric!

    6pm: Arriving at the IDS

    The thoughtful peeps of Spark24 have set up an awesome media hub for journalists to not only work from, but also to party from. The ground level is sectioned off, VIP style (that’s right, you’re not invited) with gallons of fancy booze to pour down our throats and fresh fruit and Vitamin Water to get us through the night. The cute and cordial head honcho, Nicolle, flits around putting finishing touches on the space and tactfully bossing around volunteers, who wear matching t-shirts emblazoned with the slogan, "I Got Lit."

    The wi-fi center is set up in the old Williams-Sonoma space on the skyway level, where computers wait for journalists and bloggers to use freely. I’ve brought my trusty laptop and camera and will continue to check in all night long, recappin’ and posting pictures, as I slowly deteriorate into a sleep deprived mess – which you’ll probably be able to detect by the level of inappropriateness and lack of proper English in my posts as the night wears on.

    My first stop tonight will be the super-ultra VIP Media party at Mill City (again, you’re not invited!) where I hope to snap some pics of newsy celebs, or at the very least, Jeff Passolt. Check back later to see what kind of shenanigans I get into to as well as lots of pictures by me and my bff/photographer Stephen Stephens (yes, that’s really his name) who will be my party poppin’ right hand man all night!

     

    8pm RNC Media Party @ Mill City Museum/Guthrie

    Upon approaching the Mill City in Stephen’s beat up 1990
    Toyota, police and party volunteers barricaded the streets, only letting
    credentialed press through to attend the party. Mostly surrounded by black SUVs
    and the like, we eventually got through, parked, and met Rake editor Jill
    Yablonski, who gushed, "There’s so much free food and booze I think I am
    going to die."

    Unexpected "guest star," as Veep nominee.

    The party was awesome. Some of the first familiar faces I
    saw were my pals Greg Jansen and Paul Durham, who were there shooting photos
    for Twin Cities Luxury and Fashion. "Can you believe this shit?"
    Jansen asked. And no, I couldn’t really believe it. Spanning from the Guthrie’s
    patio, through the Mill City Farmers Market and Museum, and even out to River
    Road where the closed off street was tented for a good city block and lined
    with food vendors and bars – all free of course – I can only liken the party to
    a "fancy State Fair." I overheard someone saying that 7 million
    dollars was spent on the party, if that tells you anything. Who paid for it,
    I’m not altogether sure – but they definitely know how to throw a party.

    While the booze flowed and hundreds of media-types from all
    over the country mingled and whooped it up, Stephen snapped pictures and Jill
    and I stuffed our faces and drank mojitos, keeping our eyes peeled for the
    likes of John Stewart, Anderson Cooper and other celebs – who never
    materialized. We did get Passholt though (see first post). And R.T. Rybak. And even an
    all-American Lady Liberty sucking on a Marlboro and texting.

    11pm Northern Exposure Art Show

    Stephen and I met up with Jill again, this time with her
    boyfriend Tim in tow. Our disorganized itinerary was supposed to kick off at
    the Chambers, but we made a pit stop at Steve Sugarman’s latest "pop-up"
    gallery – a short-run show held in an empty commercial space just off 8th
    & LaSalle entitled Northern Exposure.
    The reception technically ended at 10pm, and there were only a couple randoms
    milling around so we made a quick swoop through the exhibit, which included
    work by such local art characters as Scott Seekins and Brant Kingman, among probably 30
    others. Stop in before September 7th to check it out – it’s a pretty
    awesome show.

    11:30pm Chambers Hotel

    We ran into our friend Kristoffer
    at the Chambers and kicked it in the courtyard sipping $10 vodka tonics while
    admiring the extreme douchebaggery of the clientele. Made up of predominately
    Abercrombie-esque young professionals and leggy blondes in mini-dresses trying
    to catch the eyes of deep pocket hotel guests, the crowd seemed oblivious to
    Spark24, the RNC and even life as we know it outside of the swanky bubble of
    the hotel.

    We popped into the 5th floor "Red, White and Fucking Blue
    Bar" where the action was almost cringe-worthy. A DJ played predictable drunken
    crowd-pleasers such as Bobby Brown’s My Prerogative while red-faced
    delegates in hot pink feather boas did dorky jigs and cat-like euro-babes posed
    on expensive furniture that peppered the space. We stood on the balcony patio for about 10 minutes
    and made the decision that we needed to leave as soon as possible, but not
    before taking a spin down the stairwell that is filled with colorful graffiti from top to bottom. All in all, while tonight’s crowd left something to be
    desired, the Chambers is still a beautiful spot, with cool art at every turn. Try checking out an art opening in the adjacent Burnet Gallery some
    time – the crowd is always chic, the wine flows like water and the exhibits are quite impressive.

    12:30am First Avenue: Too Much Love

    Jill, Tim and Kristoffer all ditched us after Chambers, but
    luckily we hooked up with our cute friends Jahna
    and Danielle outside the Ave
    for some Too Much Love action.
    Filled with hundreds of bandana-clad hipsters/college kids, as per usual, TML,
    a huge weekly dance party, always succeeds in making me feel old and
    uncoordinated. Hundreds of fashioned-out 20-somethings dance the night away,
    pressed up against each other in a throng, that to me, looks almost dangerous.
    Once last year I actually got drunk enough to dance (I’m usually a stalwart
    observer) and ended up in an uninvited "man sandwich" with a couple of sweaty
    Belgians – hence the end to my TML dancing days.

    Stephen and I downed a couple of vodka Redbulls, chatted
    some of our dance party-prone friends up and watched breakdancers battle it out
    on the stage. Too Much Love seemed to be the typical weekly crowd,
    though I did see a troupe of unmistakable delegates party-train through the
    club with drinks held high, hooting and hollering and still wearing their power
    suits at 1 am.

    1:30am The Fine Line: Myspace Most Beautiful People Party

    Our first inkling after leaving First Avenue was to hit up
    Club 3 Degrees – an all-Christian nightclub right off of 5th &
    Hennepin. Sadly it was closed, with no young republican bible-bangers in sight.
    Considering the club doesn’t serve alcohol, and good Christians probably go to
    bed at a decent hour, it probably makes sense, though to me it doesn’t quite
    compute. No alcohol? Weird.

    Anyhoo, Kristoffer sent me a text on his way home with a
    message pertaining to the scene outside of the Fine Line, it read, "Regular
    yahoos x 100. Not Pretty." So of course we had to check it out. We talked our
    way in and surveyed the scene – pretty much everyone was drunk as hell, booze
    was spilled everywhere on the floor and no one looked particularly "beautiful,"
    mostly just glazed over and a little snakey. Some drunk chick rammed into me,
    and said "excuse you, bitch," and alternately, a big, muscle-bound black man
    sensually, and randomly, caressed my back as I walked by. The highlight was a
    raging drunk yokel with chest tats, who could only point at another guy and
    repeat over and over "that’s my brother, that’s my bro." No obvious republicans
    in sight here, unfortunately.

    2am: The IDS

    Upon return the media center, we found the doors locked –
    with all our gear inside. No security guard or Spark volunteer in sight. We
    rattled around and finally found a nest of teenage thespians holed up in a back
    office in their pajamas, working on a 24-hour play, (which will be performed
    tomorrow at 4pm in front of the IDS, so check it out). They perked up at our
    arrival, feeding us Doritos, donut holes, carrots and Rockstar Energy drinks,
    and seemed genuinely concerned for our situation. We meandered around a bit,
    then decided to just head to Orchestra Hall where Spark24 was in full swing,
    despite our intention to give you a 2am update.

    2:45am: Orchestra Hall/Peavey Plaza

    We strolled from the IDS to Orchestra Hall, bitching all the
    way about how our feet hurt and how our legs were going to be sore tomorrow. On
    arrival at Peavey Plaza we were greeted by a lively and diverse crowd, ranging
    from glammed-out fashionistas, mangy hippies, scruffy rockers, and even an
    elderly couple. Young flower-child looking chicks twirled sparklers and danced
    around the plaza, drunk jocks stumbled about swearing liberally, and hungry people of all styles
    lined up to pay an enterprising food vendor $5 for a single hot dog.

    We got inside in time to catch the much buzzed-about Cloud
    Cult, and stuck around for Chris Koza, both of whom sounded simply amazing in
    the acoustically dreamy Orchestra Hall auditorium. Two artists painted live as the music played. Stephen snapped pictures
    while I sat sullenly in a seat in the back of the hall, eating a $5 bag of
    mini-donuts and worrying about when I’d be able to get at my laptop, which was still left in the now-locked up media center. Eventually, I ran into Nicolle, who
    assured me I had full access and just needed to find the security guard to let
    me in, which I hadn’t really occurred to me, of course.

    5am: Peavey Plaza

    Stephen had randomly met Rake music writer Erin Roof in the fray, and
    reported back to me that her favorite actor is R2D2. Good to know. We also ran
    into our friends Johann and Enrique
    and chatted it up for a spell, complaining about how cracked-out we were on
    Vitamin Energy drinks, and again, how our feet hurt. Ironically, a few minutes
    later some drunk jackass wobbled by, stomped on both of my feet,
    muttered something, and then fell up some stairs without looking back. That
    was my cue to leave, so Stephen and I slowly trekked back to the IDS where we did
    eventually find the security guard to let us in – and here we are.

    It’s 7:30am and I might
    snooze on a chair for a bit before heading back out. I plan on keepin’ my
    promise (sort of anyway, despite my pending nap) to keep you abreast of the
    sitch down here. Keep your eyes peeled for reports on performance at Peavey
    Plaza and the Liberty Parade – coming soon!

    9:30am: IDS

    After a fitful one hour half-snooze on a particle board slab in the backroom of the media center, with an empty messenger bag as my pillow, I decided to say "screw it" and get up. Strangely rejuvenated, although I didn’t actually fall asleep, I perked up at the thought of hot coffee and possibly something egg related.

    Stephen was still sprawled on the little bank of mismatched chairs I’d left him on before I cuddled up on my slab. He looked super comfy.

    We’re going to get breakfast, then venture out into the wild once more. I think we look like crazy people though; we definitely feel a little crazy.

     

    10:30am: Peavey Plaza

    After fueling up on $16 platters of eggs and plenty of
    coffee at the Marquette Hotel’s restaurant, we set out for Peavey Plaza. The
    crowd was comfortably scattered through out the area, enjoying the smooth jazz
    stylings of a guy with a mohawk and his band. We found a shady patch of steps
    to perch on and settled in to check out the show. Seeing as neither of us had
    slept, our A.D.D. was in full effect.

    Honestly, I really can’t tell you all that much about the
    performers as I was busy doing things like counting hobos and gossiping with
    Stephen in my surreal state of conciousness. We did deduce, however, that at least 8% of the audience was homeless.
    I gave someone a dollar, then got into a very one-sided 20 minute conversation
    with a guy who called himself "Captain Kirk" and claimed to be on methadone. He
    chatted me up about a substance abuse center called Access Works that gives out
    free needles, and also pizza gift certificates to meth-heads who show up to
    Tuesday meetings, lovingly dubbed "Crystal Tuesdays." We also saw a darling
    family with two storybook-cute toddlers wearing "Obama Rocks" shirts, and
    everyone in the immediate vicinity was fawning over them – including Captain
    Kirk who, despite his druggy glow, seemed like quite a decent fellow.

    Other highlights included the Mu Taiko drummers who jumped,
    stomped and beat their way to an exuberant round of applause. Next up came a
    weird modern dance troupe who were literally dressed like they were on their
    lunch break from the Wells Fargo phone bank and had just decided to do an impromptu
    dance routine on their way back from Panera. They were definitely graceful and
    talented, but the whole clothing thing really confused and distracted me, but
    maybe I’m missing some deep point. If that’s the case, Wells Fargo dancers,
    please explain.


    1:30pm Nicollet & 8th

    The Liberty Parade has trumped Pride as my favorite parade
    ever. It kind of reminded me of a traveling politically themed science fiction
    convention – lots of weird shit and an endless stream of bonafied eccentrics
    with their zany meters set to maximum – in other words, awesome. A red,
    white and blue float complete with a sassy broad straddling a huge silver
    rocket and five or six equally bawdy babes with strap-on missile dicks singing,
    dancing, gyrating and talking smack about McCain. A gaggle of moaning zombies
    ambled by, followed by a car sporting a sign that simply said "Brains." A
    charming and cute safe-sex fairy skipped merrily by, covered with
    color-coordinated condoms and waving a magic wand. A gang of nonsensical Ren Fest
    types danced down the street to the theme song from the show, The Fresh
    Prince of Bel Air,     while flanked by faux secret service.

    My fave part, however, was when my other
    bestie Clement rolled up (in a sense) on his "Humping Bike," later dubbed "Tour
    De My Pants" – an exercise machine converted into a bike that requires
    its rider to pump and thrust his body in a "humping" motion to propel the
    bike. Clement only busts out the Humping Bike for special occasions like
    parades or bike fests, and he’s got a whole list of hilarious lines he loves to
    yell out to spectators like, "Are my undies showing? No? Do you want them to
    be?" or "Save a horse, ride a cowboy!" among naughty others. Not sure what
    the Humping Bike actually has to do with liberty, but it sure makes me giggle.

    2:30pm: Loring Park

    Stephen and I are running on empty, laughing maniacally at
    each other’s bad jokes while parked at a picnic table on the fringe of the
    action. All the parade participants have ended up here to celebrate and to set
    up shop for whatever word-spreading, performing or socializing suits their
    fancy. This event, while flanked generously with police in full gear,
    definitely seemed more Mayday Festival than political uprising. Everyone seemed
    to be in high spirits, and parade-goers even chatted up the po-po, who milled
    around the park in packs.

    We ran into tons of our friends, including Vicious Circle
    writer Andy Sturdevant who happily manned the entrance to the Summit beer
    garden in full summer beard. Bands and DJs played, wacky activists hammed for
    their respective causes with humor and creativity, and people of all political
    stripes enjoyed the breezy summer afternoon in Loring Park.

    4:30pm: IDS

    We eventually lugged ourselves out of the park, bedraggled
    and confused, to start the trudge back to the IDS Center, with Clement humping
    alongside us. I swear I felt blisters on my feet pop, as we’d been walking all
    over downtown since about 6:30pm Saturday, and Stephen complained that he felt
    like he might literally keel over at any moment. By the time we hit the media
    center to upload the pictures from the today’s excursion we were crabby and
    snapping at each other, but in a satisfied, "we did it" sort of way. All in all, a fun and crazy 24 hours, and a
    fitting kick-off to this week’s upcoming insanity – which we hope is as
    peaceful and positive as this weekend’s comeraderie insinuates. Thanks to the awesome Spark24 crew who was there with us each step of the way in sleep deprivation.

    Check www.digitalcrushphoto.com for more
    pics! We’ll have even more from our Spark24 shenanigans to share within the next couple days.

    Thanks for reading, I’m going to bed!

     

  • Tots, Blood, and a Broken Jaw

    Yesterday, I went to the State Fair with my dad, who is my all-time favorite person to go to the Fair with. Going to the Fair with my dad is like going to Vegas with Paul Rudd’s character in the movie Knocked Up. Except, instead of ingesting hallucinogens and risking pinkeye, we ingest epic quantities of fried food, and beer, and risk death by Midway.

    My love for the Fair goes back to my childhood. Growing up, the State Fair was the one event that could tranquilize my parents’ shit-storm divorce. Every time it rolled around, my folks were inexplicably on speaking terms again; in spite of the failed solar panel hot tub installation company, ensuing bankruptcy, and unpaid bills for my private art school education mom insisted on. For twelve summer days, we allowed ourselves to be one happy family.

    My dad is big. Big hands, big nose, big lips, big gut. He makes loud, dirty jokes and he’s partially deaf in one ear. He likes to eat, a lot. So the first thing we did when we arrived at the fair was hunt for food. Thanks to claims of near-orgasm, I tried Axel’s Tots on-a-stick ($4.00). The potato balls, stuffed with sour cream, chives, cheddar and bacon are worthy of moans. I’ve tried a decent chunk of stick-food at this point, and hot damn, those tots are good! If it were me calling the shots, I’d hire a man to stand beside the Axel’s booth and sing their praises all day long.

    My dad opted for the Walleye-on-a-stick ($3.50), which was predictably okay. Next, due to pure curiosity, (mine; my dad is a Bud man) we tried the wine ice cream ($3.00). At first, it tasted like eating ice cream on a hangover, but before you’ve brushed your teeth. Then, it tasted like nothing at all. Just a good dose of vanilla ice cream. No hint of wine, cardamon or plum, the other flavors it made claim to.

    Because of the whole deaf-in-one-ear thing, when my dad says, "So, what do you want to do?" Everyone turns their heads. When we passed the radio show where the Governor was being interviewed, and he shouted, "Hey, Pawlenty! What’s up brother?" Governor Pawlenty’s security guards turned their heads. Getting my dad to the Midway was purely a selfish choice–drown his voice in the ruckus, and get him to buy the ticket value pack ($20.00), and indulge whatever plush toy winning game captured my fancy.

    At the Midway, we played lots of games to no avail, then rode a ride called the Crazy Mouse. The carnies seemed extra drunk today, were missing more teeth, and the rides looked very unsafe in the gray-glow of yesterday’s stormy weather. One man in particular, working the pool table area, told my dad, "Aw, your daughter’s good looking, sir." Slurring his words, he then pulled me close and whispered in my ear, "I’m drunk, because I had surgery yesterday." I said, "Damn dude, sorry. Shouldn’t you be home?" He shook his head as if this were the most ridiculous question. "Someone punched my jaw out," he said. "See this?" He pointed to his jaw. "All swollen." He gave my dad an extra turn on the house, so he could finish his story.

    The Crazy Mouse is a yellow roller coaster, where little circular cars loop around the track, spinning around while flying up and down the coaster. My dad and I shared our four-person ride-car with a brother and sister, ages six and nine. My nearly-300-pound dad, making his scary-face, leaned over and said to the little boy, "Hey son, you know why that car ahead of us is red? Because someone died on this ride, and that’s where his blood splattered!" The little kid shot back, "I’m not scared. I went on this ride last night. In the dark." This kid’s my new favorite person.

    Impossible to ignore were the people at the Fair. I saw a girl of eighteen, in full goth regalia, wearing a murdered-out baby-tee that read on the front: "Abortion is Homicide," and on the back, "No one can quiet my God."

    I saw a petite, elderly couple making their way around the Fair on matching Segway Personal Transporters. And I saw a number of god-awful tattoos. Among the bad tattoos of the day were a tiny rose, a tiny butterfly, lots of tribal, a tiny leprechaun, and a big portrait of a tiger that looked like a yellow lab with stripes. What specifically made most of these tattoos so bad was their blatant disregard for the laws that govern negative space.

    When an obese man has a tattoo of a leprechaun raising his top hat on his right bicep, and the leprechaun is the size of my pinky, it makes the man look bigger. Now, I’m not knocking tattoos or making fun of fat people. But I am knocking the popularity of the tiny tattoo. Mother of four from Wayzata, that rose on your ankle looks like skin cancer. I know you got it to celebrate the big 4-0, and good for you, honey. But just because it is tiny, doesn’t make it "safe." It makes it stupid. Your PTA friends will still notice it, and judge you, and call you a whore behind your back, even if your tattoo is tiny. Someone tell everyone that small, oddly proportioned tattoos look awful.

    Highlight of the day? Buying my pit bull a kelly green bandana that says, "Don’t Taze Me Bro!" And getting to spend the whole afternoon at the Fair with my dad.

  • The Rake's Secrets to Surviving the RNC

    As you’re well aware, this week the Twin Cities plays host to one of the biggest political extravaganzas known to man: The Republican National Convention. The chaos that will surely descend on our fair cities will be met with more Minnesota-brand arts and culture than you can shake a stick at, as well as thousands of protesters, scrambling media, and organized demonstrations of all shapes, sizes and affiliations. If you want to avoid the fray, we’d recommend the Days Inn in Brainerd, because the Twin Cities are going to be thoroughly ablaze with political spirit and, most likely, gridlock traffic. Being the adventurous souls we know you are, however, you’ll want to make the most of it by speakin’ your piece, rockin’ out to some awesome live music or just checking out the scene, which is bound to be wild! And whether you’re a visitor or a local – you’re sure to find something to inspire you in our eclectic guide to events surrounding the RNC!

    Speaking of Republicans, The Rake’s very own Secrets of the City Guidebook is getting some unexpected press! To purchase the Guidebook click HERE.

    Know about something we didn’t list? Did you go to one of the listed events? Post about it in the comments section at the bottom of this article and keep the chain of democracy alive!

    SECTION ONE: BE HEARD!

    THE UNCONVENTION

    Through September 4th

    Artists of all sorts, regardless political beliefs, are invited to take place in The UnConvention, a series of events that runs through the RNC. Designed as a forum for people to exchange and promote their ideas on the big issues, it is meant to counteract the tightly formatted and scripted process that is the presidential election process. Projects taking place during The UnConvention include "My Yard Our Message," where artists from around the world will vote on the design of political signs promoting participatory democracy; "American Politics Sideshow: Weird and Wild," where the Weisman Art Museum will host speakers, discussions, performances and more; and the Liberty Parade, a large-scale event to precede the RNC where individual liberty and freedom is celebrated. For more information, including a complete list of projects visit www.theunconvention.com.

    CRITICAL MASS

    August 29th

    Nineteen people were arrested on August 31, 2007 during the Critical Mass group bike ride in a melee that made headlines. This year, Critical Mass returns to remember the one-year anniversary of that event and to kick off the string of peaceful RNC demonstrations by crowding the streets with bikes of all types. Starting around 5 pm in Loring Park on August 29, Critical Mass will overtake the streets of Minneapolis once more to strike out against oppression and celebrate freedom of expression. For more information on this year’s event and last year’s fallout, visit http://cmsupport.wordpress.com.

    LIBERTY PARADE

    August 31st

    Forget all your rightist or leftist arguments and come join the Liberty Parade on August 31 at 1 pm in Minneapolis. A celebration of the American values that stretch beyond political sides, the Liberty Parade will march down Nicollet Mall to Loring Park, where music acts and other entertainment will await participants. Celebrate liberty, freedom, equality and justice with your neighbors in a genuinely nonpartisan fashion. For more information, visit www.libertyparade2008.com.


    REVOLUTIONARY LOVE 2: I AM YOUR BEST FANTASY

    September 1st

    The second in a two-part project taking place at both the Democratic National Convention and the Republican National Convention, Sharon Hayes’s Revolutionary Love 2: I Am Your Best Fantasy will unite crowds of people at the capitol to speak about love, politics and gay liberation to the masses. The performance will begin at approximately 3:30 pm on September 1 at the Capitol Ground green below Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. in St. Paul. The performance will last for around two hours as a chorus reads the piece Hayes has written for the convention. For more information on this and other projects by Hayes, visit www.creativetime.org.

    RNC DEMONSTRATIONS

    September 1st – 4th

    Hundreds of protest groups from around the country will meet, mingle and march throughout the convention to peacefully (hopefully, anyway) show their stripes. Anyone is welcome to come express his views on the current government and demonstrate the kind of active democracy that makes this country great. For your guide to anything and everything protest related visit www.protestrnc2008.org for more radical news than you can shake an angry fist at.

    RALLY FOR THE REPUBLIC

    September 2nd

    Ron Paul will be at the Target Center to help the Campaign for Liberty kick-off its events on September 2 during the Rally for the Republic. Also featuring rock star Aimee Aleen, Barry Goldwater Jr, everyone’s favorite bow-tied TV personality Tucker Carlson and more, the event starts at 12:30 pm and runs until 10 that night. Celebrate your country by picking up a few of the $17.76 tickets for this spirited and provocative political event. Visit www.ronpaul.com for more info.

    Bonus: Mingle and party with Ron Paul-ites at Clubhouse Jager at 923 Washington Avenue North, the official party spot for Ron Paul supporters throughout the RNC.

    NADER SUPER RALLY

    September 4th

    Not really a fan of McCain or Obama? Then try perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who will once again be on the ballot. Celebrate your favorite independent (unless you’re still a Ventura fan) by skipping the Target Center and Xcel Energy Center and heading straight to Orchestra Hall on September 4 at 7:30 pm as Nader and his running mate Matt Gonzalez make a call to throw the election into full-swing. Nellie McKay, Cindy Sheehan and Tom Neilson will be among those appearing at the rally. For more information, visit www.votenader.org/events.


    SECTION 2: PARTY LIKE YOU CARE!

    SPARK 24

    August 30th-31st

    What better way to precede out-of-state RNC bigwigs descending upon the Twin Cities than by celebrating the best in local performances and art? Spark24, a 24-hour marathon of free entertainment, will begin 5 pm on Sunday, August 30. Local theatre companies, music groups and bands will take the stage from Peavey Plaza to Orchestra Hall and 60+ venues across the Twin Cities. For more information, including a complete schedule of performances and venues, visit www.spark24.org.

    Bonus: The Rake’s A+E Editor Kate Iverson will be live-blogging at Spark24 from the IDS, so check our site Saturday and Sunday for pictures, recaps and craziness, live from Spark24!

    CALL AND ANSWER: BLACK DOG BLOCK PARTIES

    August 31st & September 2nd

    The Black Dog Coffee and Wine Bar will throw its "Welcome to the Neighborhood" Block Party in Lowertown on August 31 and September 2, just in time for the RNC. The two-day festival of music, food and more will give locals a voice to express what’s important to them in a
    time when the Twin Cities has never been more visible on a national level. The Black Dog is located at the corner of 4th and Broadway in Lowertown St. Paul. For more information, visit www.theblockpartyinlowertown.com.

    PEOPLE’S FEST

    August 31st

    Join The Poor People’s Economic Human Rights Campaign and the Hip Hop Congress in Powderhorn Park on August 31 for the People’s Fest! An all day celebration of arts and culture featuring music by Mic Crenshaw of Portland, OR; Blade Triple, M.O., and Element of Surprise from Cincinnati; local faves The Brass Kings and Bemidji’s Shannon Murray. Plenty of food, basketball games, and children’s activities round out this all-day party in the park. Runs from 10 am to 9 pm at Powderhorn Park. visit www.economichumanrights.org for more info.

    TAKE BACK LABOR DAY FESTIVAL

    September 1st

    The Service Employees International Union want to help you kick-off the RNC with gusto as they throw a Labor Day Festival on September 1 to celebrate workers’ achievements. Visitors to Harriet Island on Labor Day between noon and 7 pm will find a You Tube station, a blogger lounge, a children’s area, an audience-participation art project and many other free events. Scheduled appearances include Sen. John Edwards plus an all-star lineup of musicians such as The Pharcyde, Mos Def, Atmosphere, Steve Earle, Allison Moorer and Tom Morello. Visit www.takebacklaborday.com for more info.

    RADICAL NIGHTLIFE AT THE BEDLAM

    September 1st – 4th

    The Bedlam Theatre keeps things radical during the RNC with their nightly gatherings for music, food and political activist mingling. Prince Myshkins and guests WYXY will appear every night at 7 pm during the convention, following a dinner and community building session at 5:30 pm. The Nonsense Company, Di Nigunim, Bryan Bevell and "The Fever" and Dreamland Faces will also appear during the four-day long festivities. For more information, visit www.bedlamtheater.org.

    RIPPLE EFFECT 2008

    September 2nd

    On September 2 at 12:30 pm, thousands will descend on the Capitol for Ripple Effect, a daylong festival celebrating and uniting a few in the forefront of progressive action. Featuring training, workshops, music, art and other activities to bring awareness to social and environmental change, Ripple Effect will go beyond convention and partisanship to unite people of all kinds in an effort to create a better world. Featuring the music of Michael Franti, Dead Prez, Anti-Flag, Wookiefoot, Matisyahu, I Self Divine, Indigo and more, plus special guest speaker Winona LaDuke. The festival takes place on the Capitol lawn and will last until 7 pm. For more information, visit www.livewithsubstance.org/rippleeffect.

    END OF AN ERA POST-RNC PROTEST PARTY

    September 2nd

    What better way to blow off steam after the September 2 protest at the State Capitol than a night of music at the Cabooze? Doors open at 8:30 pm for the 18+ event, hosted by Yoni. Pleasure Pause, Black Blondie and New Rebelution will perform, along with many more special guests. For more information, visit www.cabooze.com.

    RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

    September 3rd

    Fresh off a wild stint at the DNC, Rage Against the Machine bring their fist-pumping protest rock to the Target Center. Doing what they do best, this long-time group of rock n’ roll activists will inspire and rile up the masses with their politically tinged, angry (but thought-provoking) music just in time for the close of the RNC. At the 2000 Democratic National Convention, the aftermath of a Rage show incited a police riot – so wear your mace goggles and nutcup just to be on the safe side. Visit www.rageagainstthemachine.com for more info.

    PEACE ISLAND PICNIC

    September 4th

    After four days of the convention and all that comes with it, everyone could use a break and a little fun in the sun. So head over to Harriet Island on September 4 from 1 pm to 8 pm for the Peace Island Picnic, a celebration of freedom and peace. Part of The UnConvention projects, the picnic will feature music all day, kite-making and flying, a sunset drum jam and an attempt to break the human peace sign world record. Everything is free for the event, so bring the family along. All the events will be held on Harriet Island just outside of downtown St. Paul. For more information, visit www.theunconvention.com.


    SECTION 3: EXPERIENCE THE ARTS

    POSITION AND IMPOSITION: MCAD FACULTY RESPONDS TO POLITICS

    Ongoing through September 24th

    The Minneapolis College of Art and Design’s annual faculty exhibition takes on a timely message in this election year as they present Position and Imposition: MCAD Faculty Responds to Politics, beginning August 22 in MCAD’s main gallery. The work will demonstrate how artists feel the need to let their vision be seen and how their works can affect the most controversial issues of the day. There will be an opening reception on September 5 from 6 – 8 pm. The exhibit runs until September 24. For more information, visit www.mcad.edu.

    FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY

    Ongoing through September 2nd

    Minneapolis College of Art and Design students find their voice with Freedom to Assembly, a new creative collaboration organized by the school’s Student Advisory Council. Combing studio work and gallery work, the students will develop their sense of political identities, both individually and as a community. The event will be held in MCAD’s Gallery 148 from August 22 to September 7. There will be an opening reception on September 5 from 6 – 8 pm. The Minneapolis College of Art and Design is located at 2501 Stevens Avenue in Minneapolis. For more information, visit www.mcad.edu.

    HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 20/20

    Ongoing through January 4th

    Open your eyes to a new view of State of the Union addresses with R. Luke DuBois’ Hindsight is Always 20/20, a new exhibit at the Weisman designed to channel into today’s politically-charged climate. Forty-three prints sort the State of the Union addresses of each president in order of word frequency, giving viewers a new vision of what the government means to its people. The exhibit opens August 23 to coincide with the arrival of the RNC in Minnesota and runs through January 4. For more information, visit www.weisman.umn.edu.

    WHAT DO YOU SAY, AMERICA?

    Ongoing through January 4th

    There’s nothing like good ol’ fashioned American wartime propaganda, and visitors to the Weisman Art Museum can get their fill when What do YOU say, AMERICA? begins on August 23. Featuring government-issued posters from the two World Wars and taken from the Weisman collection, the exhibit will invite viewers to reflect on how the government informed its people in times of war and how those tactics correlate to the world we live in now. Created to complement Hindsight is Always 20/20 (see listing above), the exhibit runs through January 4. For more information, visit www.weisman.umn.edu.

    HAIL TO THE CHIEF: IMAGES OF THE AMERICAN PRESIDENCY

    Ongoing through September 21st

    Want some hint of how we got where we are? The Minneapolis Institute of Arts’ free, non-partisan exhibit Hail to the Chief: Images of the American Presidency displays over 70 objects focusing on our presidential past, from paintings and sculptures to photographs and hand-written correspondences. Designed to coincide with the RNC, the gallery features works from the MIA’s permanent collection as well as a private collection that focuses on presidential themes. The exhibit, which opened August 2nd, runs through Sunday, September 21 in Gallery
    263. Visit www.artsmia.org for more information.

    PARTY PARTY IN A TWEETY LAND

    Ongoing through October 4th

    Pop singles of years past are used as a springboard to study our culture’s complex relationship with the real world. The glitz of celebrity living is compared to the seriousness of real living in Party Party in a Tweety Land b/w This Republic of Suffering, an exhibition opening at the Form + Content Gallery on August 28. Part of The UnConvention projects, the exhibit is co-curated by Colleen Sheehy and Camille J. Gage. Featuring contributions from eight other artists, the exhibit examines the tensions between what we obsess over and what we’ve lost. For more information, visit www.formandcontent.org.

    THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WAR HERO; OR IS MCCAIN ABLE?

    Ongoing through November 8th

    As the RNC rolls into town, the folks over at Brave New Workshop are determined to show the world that political satire is alive and well. Brave New Workshop stalwarts will return to the stage to mercilessly satirize the politicians, election process and voting habits that infect the entire country every four years. The production runs through November 8th at the Brave New Workshop on Hennepin Avenue South in Uptown Minneapolis. For more information, visit www.bravenewworkshop.com.

    POSTER OFFENSIVE 4

    August 29th – September 15th

    The Poster Offensive is pleased to present its 4th annual show of politically themed screen print art. This year, Poster Offensive has teamed up with Minnesota organization Provention – a group of Minnesota artists offering a heartfelt and sincerely peaceful welcome to the GOP Conventioneers as they arrive in our town. The Poster Offensive is a non-partisan poster show dedicated to the promotion of peace and democracy. Reception August 29 at 5 pm. Runs through September 15. Visit www.blackdogstpaul.com for more info.

    UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM AND MILLIONS OF INNOCENT ACCIDENTS

    August 29 – October 26

    Two exhibits collide at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts when Unconventional Wisdom and MILLIONS OF INNOCENT ACCIDENTS open August 29. Presented by the Minnesota Artists Exhibition Program, Ruthann Godollei and Mike Elko’s Unconventional Wisdom uses text to satirically off-balance familiar objects and images in advertising. Hardland/Heartland’s MILLIONS OF INNOCENT ACCIDENTS creates a narrative landscape influenced by popular culture and current events to present, "an ongoing saga of grandiose proportions." There will be an opening reception for both exhibits on August 28 at 7 pm. For more information, visit www.theunconvention.com or www.artsmia.org.

    CIVICFEST: A VERY MINNESOTA CELEBRATION

    August 29th – September 4th

    Think you’d make a better president than McCain, Obama or anyone else? You can start your path to the Oval Office off right by getting your picture taken in a full-scale replica of the presidential hotspot during CivicFest: A Very Minnesota Celebration, which runs August 29 through September 4 at the Minneapolis Convention Center. A replica of the Oval Office is just one of more than 35 exciting exhibits that can be found there. Visitors will also find an actual presidential limousine, a scale model of the White House, historical memorabilia and much, much more! For more information on the exhibits and hours, visit www.civicfest.org.

    SOLUTIONS VOLUME 3

    August 30th

    Just before the RNC begins, celebrate free-thinking with some of the Twin Cities’ most cutting edge artists. Solutions Volume 3, hosted by Intermedia Arts, will be an informative and thrilling evening utilizing multiple forms of media to try and present solutions to today’s most pressing issues. Featuring live music, food and more, Solutions will give people everywhere a chance to express themselves and inspire action. Doors open at 7:30 pm for an 8:30 pm start. For more information, visit www.solutionstwincities.org.

    ART ON WHEELS

    August 31st – September 2nd

    Art takes to the streets as part of The UnConvention projects with Minneapolis Art on Wheels. Created to give voice to communities in coordination with the RNC, MAW will project works of arts on the streets of the Twin Cities to explore the uses of public spaces for artists. For more information, visit www.theunconvention.com or www.minneapolisartonwheels.org.

    BACKBONE, VALUE AND HAIRSTYLE

    August 31st – September 2nd

    An aluminum voting booth is the center of Andrea Steudel’s new piece, Backbone, Value and Hairstyle. Circuit-bent electronic keyboard hardware has been embedded into the booth, so that it now makes irregular sounds when the switches are pushed. These sounds highlight the absurd nature of the voting process. The booth will be on display in Peavey Plaza at the intersection of 11th Street and Nicollet Avenue from August 31 to September 2. For more information, visit www.theunconvention.com.

    IMPACT FILM FESTIVAL

    September 1st – September 4th

    The most pressing social issues of today will take the spotlight at the Impact Film Festival, running from September 1-4. Coordinated to coincide with both the Democratic and the Republican National Conventions, the festival will showcase two to three documentaries and dramatic films each day, followed by thought-provoking panel discussions with filmmakers, lawmakers and other civic leaders. All film screenings will be held at the Landmark Center, located at 75 West 5th Street, across from the Excel Center in St. Paul. The festival will culminate with a reception that celebrates the contributions film can give to societal issues. For more information, visit www.impactfilmfestival.org.

    KULTURE KLUB ART SHANTIES

    September 1st – 2nd

    Art Shanty Projects and Kulture Klub Collaborative will team up on Peavey Plaza during the convention to bring together local artists and youth experiencing homelessness to get involved in a participatory democracy. Workshops and guerrilla cinema projections fill the plaza on September 1 and 2 to explore non-partisan forms of media and democratic expression. This shanty base-camp will be erected as part of The UnConvention. For more information, visit www.theunconvention.com.

    MINNEATURES BY PLASTICGOD

    September 1st – October 26th

    Los Angeles based artist Plasticgod has been dubbed "The 21st Century Warhol." His popular "Heads" collection is his personal twist on celebrity caricatures, the collection is comprised of over 700 pop and political icons. A selection of these works will be exhibited in Minneatures. Lego figurines inspire the style of these quirky figure paintings, a pop culture icon in its own right. This solo show will be Plasticgod’s first exhibition in Minneapolis. On exhibit at SooVAC / Toomer Gallery, located on 27th & Lyndale in Minneapolis from September 1-October 26. Visit www.soovac.org for more info.

    AMERICANS WHO TELL THE TRUTH

    September 1st – September 30th

    The Traffic Zone art gallery will premiere a new exhibit by painter Rob Shetterly just in time for the RNC – Americans Who Tell the Truth. Featuring images of influential Americans, including Minnesotans Paul Wellstone and Colleen Rowley, Shetterly’s works combine the words and images of those who have lashed out against their oppressors. The exhibit opens September 1 and runs through September 30. There will be an opening reception on September 18 from 6:30 – 9 pm; Shetterly will be present for a discussion and book signing. The Traffic Zone gallery is located at 250 Third Avenue North in Minneapolis. For more i
    nformation, visit www.trafficzoneart.com.

    TRANSLATING POLITICS

    September 1st – 4th

    The Northeast Minneapolis Arts Association and The UnConvention will present Translating Politics, a group exhibition at the Northrup King Building in Northeast Minneapolis. Thirteen local artists use paintings, photography, sculptures, mixed media and video to offer up different perspectives on global politics in a time when it has never been more discussed. The exhibit runs September 1- 4 in the third floor gallery of the NKB building. It will be open from 1 – 9 pm each day with receptions planned every night. Local and national elected officials have been invited to attend. The NKB Building is located at 1500 Jackson Street Northeast. For more information, visit www.nemaa.org.

    Bonus: The best day to see this show is Thursday, September 4 when dozens and dozens of artists in Northrup King will open their studio doors to the public as part of the monthly "First Thursdays in the Arts District" event.

    DRILLING FOR FREEDOM PRESENTS: OUR 44TH WHITE DUDE

    September 1st – 2nd

    John McCain, the RNC and everything Republican will be celebrated at the Bryant Lake Bowl theater when conservative fanatic sketch comedians Drilling For Freedom take the stage. The alter-egos of three writers for 23/6 and Huffingtonpost.com, Drilling For Freedom will screen exclusive protest footage and interview people who may not love the Republican party as much as their interviewers. The performances will take place September 1 and 2. Doors open at 7 pm for the 8 pm show. Tickets are $10. For more information, visit www.bryantlakebowl.com.

    YOU DON’T KNOW ME: A CITIZENS GUIDE TO REPUBLICAN FAMILY VALUES

    September 1st

    For every liberal who’s wondered what exactly makes those Republicans tick, this is the book for you. Political commentator Win McCormack’s new book You Don’t Know Me: A Citizens Guide to Republican Family Values explores over 100 of the most devious and dirty cases of sexual tomfoolery that has plagued conservative "family men" over time. Researched using court records and other documents and featuring appearances by ever-popular disgraced Republicans like Larry Craig, You Don’t Know Me explores such family-friendly topics as bestiality, pedophilia, incest, autoerotic asphyxiation and more, to examine the inner workings of our political system and put it into context. Win McCormack will be appearing at Magers & Quinn Booksellers on September 1 at 6 pm to help kick-off the Republican National Convention. For more information, visit www.magersandquinn.com.

    CHAMBERS’ ART OVERFLOW

    September 2nd

    Sidewalk chalk art will literally wrap-around the corner of 9th and Hennepin in downtown Minneapolis as Chambers, the award-winning luxury art hotel, literally overflows with art. Artists from Juxtaposition Arts will use chalk and watercolors to transform the sidewalks around the hotel. Juxtaposition Arts student, Cateisha Pierson, will create the piece themed around a “celebration of Minnesota” with assistance from other members of the youth-focused visual arts organization. In addition to the street art, the hotel’s Burnet Art gallery is showcasing politically inspired art in its latest exhibition, Important if True (Hootenanny in E). Artists will create work from 6:30 am until 10:30 am. Visit www.chambersminneapolis.com

    PARTY FAVORS

    September 2nd

    Ever wondered what exactly goes on behind the closed doors of the political fundraising world? Playwright and author Susan Johnston teams up with former Republican fundraiser Nicole Sexton to present Party Favors, the rise and fall of Temple Sachet, the Big Money Babe of the Republican Senate. Susan Johnston will discuss her novel and life as a playwright, journalist and author on September 2 at 6 pm. The discussion will be held at the Playwrights’ Center in Minneapolis and RVSP is required. For more information, visit www.pwcenter.org

    WELLSTONE!

    September 2nd – 21st

    The Sabes Jewish Community Center opens its 2008-2009 theatrical season with Wellstone! a new play that covers the career of the man with the green bus. Playwright Mark Rosenwinkel takes on the lead role of Paul Wellstone, who tragically died in a 2002 plane crash, just weeks before the election for his third term in the U.S. Senate. The study of a man with a set of values that often conflicted with his position, Wellstone! opens September 2nd and runs through the 21. All performances will be held at the Sabes Jewish Community Center in St. Louis Park. Tickets are $18 for members, $20 for non-members and $16 for students and senior citizens. For more information, visit www.sabesjcc.org.

    For more hot tips on activities surrounding the RNC, check out "Art is Patriotic: A Look at Art and
    Politics as the Twin Cities Prepare to Host the Republican National
    Convention," a one-hour radio documentary you can listen to online     HERE courtesy of our friends at KFAI!

  • The Mighty Midway and Other State Fair Classics

    Day two at the Fair had me excited because I brought my husband, Jason, along. For years, he’s been listening to me say things like:

    "If we were at the State Fair, you could get that Snickers deep-fried."
    "I own a collapsable rake."
    "I mean think about it. Nearly ninety-pounds of butter shaped like our daughter’s head. I know we don’t have kids yet, but it’s never too soon to just look at a hobby farm. At least give her the option to one day be crowned a princess."

    I’ve been talking up the State Fair so much, that finally introducing The Glory to my California born-and-bred husband had me equal parts excited and panicked. Would we cover enough ground? Would he get it? Would he love it? Or, as an outsider, would the combined charm of humid air, animal feces, and mini-donut batter be lost on him? Since it would be his first time, I decided to devote our attention to classic state fairing. The best of the best. This is how we did.

    By noon, we’d contemplated if "Pet Surgery, 1 p.m." posted on today’s activities in front of Chuck and Don’s Pet Food Building, really meant what it implied. We downed a Gizmo, sampled Teriyaki Ostrich on-a-stick, (chewy, good, until you get a bite of cartilage), and drank a beer.

    The Gizmo ($7.00), is good. Worth the hype. And boy, is there hype. The stand, located near machinery hill, is adorned with newspaper clippings. The vendors have hired a man to loudly proclaim the Gizmo’s unbridled wonder to the masses who pass by. "Get your Gizmo!" "Sausage and sauce, fab-u-lous!" If you’re a fan of doughy, saucy, cheesy, meaty things, check out the Gizmo. The meat is delicately seasoned, the thick bun is fresh, and there’s just enough, but not too much, sauce.

    Even though it was still early, and we were getting a lot of ground covered, we also weren’t doing enough classic state fairing. Teriyaki Ostrich on-a-stick ain’t no cows.

    "Let’s hit up the Midway," I suggested, and that’s when things got interesting. World of Wonders – Palace of Illusions, is a five stage circus tent at the end of the Midway filled with illusion acts, and well, circus freaks. For the price of five tickets, (at 75 cents a ticket), I saw the 27 inch small woman, two fire eaters, a sward swallower, and a contortionist in a box. I paid extra to look behind the box, and see that this lady was no fake.

    I highly recommend World of Wonders. Even though gawking at "freaks" seems wrong, and horrible, and like it shouldn’t be allowed, it’s also awesome. Compared to Coney Island, World of Wonders – Palace of Illusions, is very clunky-dunk and hometown, which is part of it’s charm. You could even call it family friendly, complete with silly demos like "snake girl" featuring a 20-something’s head stuck in a slot above a felt snake. And then there’s "spider woman." Same 20-something, same trick, except this time, her head is affixed to the body of a felt spider.

    When we left the freak show, I paid to rig a game in my favor. I really wanted the poster of a pit bull that was the prize at a certain dart-board-balloon-game, (puncture a balloon with a dart, you win). The lady working the booth said for one ticket, (75 cents), I could get three darts, but for 5 tickets, I could play until I won. There are few things I’m worse at then darts, so I paid for the unlimited pass. After about five minutes, and fifty-darts, I popped a balloon. "Any prize, any size," she said. "I want that pit bull poster, please," I said.

    We couldn’t leave the Midway until we went through the Arabian Daze Fun House (5 tickets or $3.75). Honestly, it wasn’t as challenging as I remembered it being, but the last time I attempted to tackle a fun house I was probably five.

    The most surprising thing about the Mighty Midway is how hussied-out it’s become. Just look at the images painted behind the rides. Sexy, exotic women in bikinis eye you lustily from an evil looking ride called the Magnum. Rihanna blasts from the speakers that surround Techno Power. It’s kind of intense, might possibly not be kid-appropriate. We needed cookies.

    "Isn’t there a smaller size?" Jason asked, watching people turn away from Sweet Martha’s Cookies cradling overflowing buckets of chocolate chip, ($14.00 for a bucket). "It’s not the same unless you get the bucket," I said. Armed with our bucket, we then made our way to the dairy booth for an unlimited glass of milk, ($1.00). Gentleman that he is, Jason stood in line, and I moved aside with the cookies.

    "You really shouldn’t be standing there with those." A man said. I looked at him and his ten-year-old son, lustily eyeing my cookies.

    "You want one?" I asked. "Go ahead, have a cookie."

    "Oh, no. Oh, no. I can’t." The man said sheepishly, looking away in shame, then looking back at the cookies. I’ve always felt that if asked, you have an obligation to share your Sweet Martha’s. This man was asking, and I wasn’t letting him leave without one.

    "Come on, take a cookie, you know you want it." His son’s eyes just kept getting wider, and wider. He looked at the boy, the cookies, and me.

    "Oh, thank you," he said. Then: "Son, go!" They grabbed a couple cookies quick, as if I’d change my mind, and yank away the tub. Then they ran off as quickly as they had appeared. I felt smug and charitable.

    When Jason came back with a glass of milk, I told him about my noble deed and we downed some cookies — warm, delicious, you can’t go wrong with Sweet Martha’s. But the day was wearing on us, the beer had worn off, and the crowds were giving us Manhattan flashbacks. It was time for something relaxing.

    Ye Old Mill ($3.00), is the "original tunnel of love," and my favorite ride at the fair. Sitting on the red boat, channeling through the dark tunnel, I’m always surprised by how epic this ride feels. Like I’m on a midnight journey down the Nile. Then the little window-light display appears, and I’m looking at wooden trolls, Babe the Blue Ox, or a bunch of Mr. Potato Head looking things, arranged in a bizarre line around some small, pastel trees. No matter how old I get, this ride is pure magic for me. "This is not what I was expecting." Jason said. "Isn’t it awesome?" I ignored his confusion, and probable boredom. I pulled him close, and turned on some "original tunnel of love" charm.

    After Ye Old Mill, we tried to find an entrance to the Skyride gondola, but being a Saturday, the Skyride was crazy crowded. I’m honestly glad we missed it. Like our earlier discovery of the Gizmo, the fair is proof that good things happen when you relax, and stop trying so damn hard.

    Stumbling across Ray Romano crop art is basically as awesome as it sounds. In search of more beer, we happened upon tons of crop art, which I highly recommend. Where else can you see Bo Diddley and Einstein captured in kernels?

    But the best thing that happened at the fair thus far was seeing my god in the flesh. Leaving the crop art building, we saw Princess Kay on a parade float, cruising by, accompanied by a marching band and Princess Kay runner-ups. There they were, just waving and smiling, looking lovely.

    We finished up our afternoon with a Texas size sausage ($7.75). This half-pound, grilled sausage link, comes smothered in grilled onions and peppers. If not a fair classic, and not on-a-stick, it certainly was delicious.

    I’ve always believed that crawling through a forty-foot colon in the parking lot of the Mall of America, weekends spent at various cabins on lakes, and my genuine love for the State Fair, contribute, in part, to my Minnesotan identity. I’ve been waiting to share the State Fair with my husband for years, and even though we didn’t see and do everything, he had a good time. "I certainly
    don’t see how anyone could hate the fair," he said, while we walked back to our car. Indeed.

  • Stick-It!

    *Read about Day Two here.

    *Then read about Day Three here. 

    To me, the State Fair rivals sex, strong drinks, and Law and Order: SVU reruns. And I love fornicating almost as much as I love watching TV.

    Walking into the State Fair, the guy who took my ticket told me to "enjoy something on a stick!" I told him I would. Oh, yes I would. Because everyone knows, the fair is proof you can never go wrong deep-frying anything and putting it on-a-stick. I’d eat Jerry Orbach‘s eye if you battered it, and served it in stick-form.

    Thanks to reader request, (and my own desire to eat as much at the fair as possible), I’ve compiled a list of day-one, stick-samplings. Sad to say, I made some disappointing choices. Keep reading to spare yourself the same fate.

    Deep Fried Twinkie (on-a-stick, with powdered sugar and chocolate sauce, $3.00)

    Sweet lord this is good. I honestly expected it to suck. I hate Twinkies. I don’t like cheap, chocolate syrup. This dish relied heavily on both. But this is going-back-for-seconds good. The crust is crispy, but it doesn’t taste overly deep-fried. The insides are light, and moist. This is one of those easy to miss fair foods, that definitely shouldn’t be.

    Hotdish on-a-stick ($4.00)

    I can almost smell the Lutherans, church basement coffee, and silent rage informing each bite. I wanted it to included noodles and sauce somehow, but overall, hotdish on-a-stick delivers. I suppose you can never go wrong kabobing Hormel meatballs and tater-tots, deep-frying, and serving with a hefty side of white, gelatinous, mushroom gravy.

    Alligator on-a-stick ($3.50)

     

    Don’t bother. It tastes like the bottom of a shoe, and it looks like a skinny, crooked penis. Also, it isn’t fried. I just assume that if it’s on a stick, it’s fried. Rookie mistake. If you’re going to eat alligator, get the nibbles. They fry those, I think.

    The best thing about the alligator on-a-stick is it’s proximity to the Big Yellow Slide, ($2.00). This slide is pure childhood nostalgia for me. Speaking of kids, some vendor is responsible for doing small girls’ hair in a style I can only describe as a cotton candy explosion on top of the head. I saw all these little girls running around with mushroom-cloud-shaped pink and blue, and yellow do’s. Their hair is sparkly, and bright, and kind of amazing looking.

    Pig Lickers (chocolate covered bacon, not on-a-stick, $5.00)

    These blew. I’m sorry, I mean, I wanted to like the pig lickers, I really did, if for no reason other than they’re called pig lickers.

    Besides, I love it when there’s a new food at the fair. It’s exciting. I remember the year everyone was abuzz over fried green tomatoes. Then alligator was the ‘it’ food. Everyone’s running around like, "Did you try alligator?" "I tried alligator."

    But I can’t fake the love, and the pig lickers were not cool. Was it my fault for picturing bubbling vats of rich, dark, chocolate and tall, handsome, blonde men wearing little vests, dipping hefty hunks of bacon in chocolate, before my very eyes? Because this was my idea of how I’d be served my pig licker.

    I’m willing to entertain that I’m to blame for my disappointment. But here’s what went down: five dollars later, I get four waif-like pieces of (cold) bacon, half-dipped in chocolate, and bejeweled with big hunks of sea salt. I’m still thinking, well, maybe they taste awesome. Quality over quantity, like saffron. Nope. They tasted gross. The bacon was greasy. The chocolate was dry and chipped. Then there’s the matter of the sea salt. Why add sea salt to bacon? To look fancy? I think they added that salt to look fancy. Because think about it, it’s bacon.

    Final thoughts: Tasted like someone put a piece of cold, bacon in the remains of a ice cream sundae, and they formed a union in the sun, next to the sink.

    Macaroni and Cheese on-a-stick ($3.00)

    Good, but a bit overcooked. For three bucks, I got five little macaroni and cheese balls. Sort of looked like chicken nuggets. They were hard to eat on the stick, too. You had to pick them off and use your hands. Then your fingers got greasy. I’m a big believer that if you’re going to put something on a stick, it should be easy to eat while still on the stick. Honestly, these little nuggets are a bunch of cheese curd posers. You’re better off sticking to the original.

    Pronto Pup ($3.50)

    I hate corn dogs. I honestly do. I think they’re boring and stupid. But, they are a state fair classic, so I had to. The Pronto Pups have a delicate, crispy breading that surrounds the perfectly hot, but not scalding dog. Though I’m not a true fan, I’ve got to give it to the Pronto Pup folks, they do know how to make a damn classic corn dog.

    Fun (not-on-a) Stick

    I felt complete Princess Kay of the Milky Way envy. Butter makes hair look luscious and thick. A huddle of teenage farm girls in the pig barn said my outfit was, "really cute." I saw a kid almost hurl in front of the unlimited glass of milk booth, (fitting). Overheard a young boy ask a woman working the Miracle of Life Exhibit (where the animal birthing happens), how bloody giving birth is – awesome question.

    Though not on a stick, I also enjoyed a root beer float, two beers, and cheese curds. Then there was the horse with a boner, the polka band, the very large, middle-aged lady, in some very-small, spandex shorts, spread-eagle on a bench in front of the Baa Barn. Then there were the three tan, twenty-something farm boys walking by, drinking beers, who said, "Damn, son, I want a picture of that for my dorm room." And I wanted her picture, too. But not for my dorm, and not to poke fun. This lady was the single-greatest visual display of: "Oh, fuck it. I’m hot as hell, and I don’t care if my crotch is showing." I admired the sentiment. Day one at the Great Minnesota Get-Together? Worth every pound I’ve undoubtedly gained.

    So, what should I do today? I’m thinking Ye Old Mill, Leprechaun Legs (lightly battered, deep-fried green beans with dipping sauce), and a Pickle Pop (pickle juice frozen in a plastic push-up sleeve), are in order.

    Any suggestions?

  • The Fairest of them All

    The Rake‘s own local Olympian. A true athlete dedicated to her calling. A hometown hero back at it again. Special oh-so-brave correspondent Kathryn Savage will be making her rounds at the Minnesota State Fair. Graciously offering to spend more man-hours in attendance than you’d ever want to, our gal-on-the-scene is primed to try just about anything.

    Hotdish on a stick, whatever. Porcupine wild rice meatballs? We can do better than that. This year’s fair offerings include plum wine ice cream and chocolate covered bacon. Now things are getting interesting.

    Propose your wildest fair desires to Kathryn in the comment section at the bottom of this page. She’ll not only take your suggestions, but she’ll carry them out with a level of enthusiasm never before seen in these here parts. Kathryn is a born and bred Minnesotan who most recently spent an extended spell in New York. That East Coast feistiness has not yet worn off and she’s ready to ruffle some passive-aggressive Midwestern feathers.

    In her own words: "’I’ll happily eat alligator and chug tequila with carnies if it makes readers happy." What more could we ask for?

    Kathryn Savage has been a coat check girl, a teacher, a film critic and
    a ghost writer. She was once Kate Winslet’s lip double in Polyphonic
    Spree music video. She is a freelance writer and a regular contributor
    to Minneapolis Picks. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband and her
    pit bull.