The Rake Magazine

Tag: budget

  • When Timmy Met Margie

    Today’s launch of the new Republican "issue ad" blaming
    DFLers for Minnesotans being asked to sacrifice manhood and innocence alike
    whilst pumping merrily away at the gas station is just the latest chapter in a
    textbook Nora Ephron romance. You see, it always starts with the title
    characters loathing one another. And you’d be hard pressed to find more
    animosity and revulsion than early in the legislative session. Much like Harry
    and Sally, our own Tim Pawlenty and the state legislature started off on the
    wrong foot, with the DFL-controlled legislature, after maintaining a certain
    amount of calm and decorum, offending the state’s top executive by raising the
    gas tax a whopping 42 percent.

    As any fan of the rom com genre knows, once the ire is
    raised, wacky misunderstandings and miscommunications must then ensue. And what
    better place for miscommunication and bafflingly wacky hijinx to occur than
    over the state’s budget? When the governor first sent over a proposed bill last
    Monday, including $125 million in
    unspecified budget cuts    , Democrats were quick to point out that they were
    completely baffled as to how they could approve a budget with so little detail.
    Why, they would sooner watch Rep. Margaret Kelliher and Sen. Tom "Sex Hog"
    Saxhaug engage in hot oil
    wrestling     on the Capitol Steps before they would sign such a patently
    confusing document! Of course, last Friday, these same stalwart legislators
    provided Pawlenty with an inscrutable proposal outlining $204 million in cuts –
    when there’s a $935 million deficit.

    Of course, this tete-a-tete provided an opportunity for Rep.
    Tony Sertich to cross the threshold into the next stage of our most improbable
    film – the off-putting infatuation, in which our romantic leads find themselves
    inexplicably drawn to one another, as Rep. Sertich seemed to be after the DFL
    budget offer was rebuffed by the Pawlenty administration. Rep.
    Sertich said, with a tinge of longing in his voice    , "If we keep working in
    this way of finding places where we agree instead of focusing on the areas we
    disagree I think we can build a solution." And as he walked away from the
    microphone, he let out a deeply flustered sigh, shaking his head as if to say
    to himself, "No! I can’t possibly like THAT."

    What’s next remains to be seen, of course. If the formula
    holds true, there will be heated late-night budget sessions, replete with
    frenzied arguments and impassioned debate. When suddenly, upon reaching a
    breaking point, the dams will burst and Rep. Kelliher will find herself wrapped
    in the governor’s sinewy, hockey-toned arms, making use of public
    infrastructure in ways never approved by
    a house ethics committee     whilst the rest of the caucus listens at the door
    with self-congratulatory grins plastered upon their reddening faces.

    And in that one all-too-brief moment of bliss, when
    common ground is found in the sweaty convergence of Republican and DFL, is when
    the healthcare access fund will finally be safe, the Central Corridor funding
    will be restored, the legislature will come to its senses and realize just how
    much it’s truly asking for in a year the state can ill-afford most of it. And,
    if we’re truly blessed, Michelle Bachmann will have her own deli scene whilst
    lunching with Al Franken.

  • The Unlubricated Hand of Government Intervenes Again

    The status quo is almost always a warm, comforting feeling.
    No matter how often people complain about Minnesota’s
    interminable winters    , or Cyndy Brucato’s mummy-like visage
    staring soullessly from KSTP evening newscasts, eternally hungering for the
    blood of Amy
    Hockert    , they would still be profoundly disturbed these constants were
    suddenly stripped from their lives.

    This is why our fair state, Democrats, Republicans and
    disinterested bystanders alike, should take comfort in the fact that the
    legislative and executive branches of our government have once again
    demonstrated that the grand tradition of willfully and maliciously idiotic
    governance is alive and well in Saint Paul. Perhaps a winged unicorn floated
    down from the heavens to convince legislators that they could easily pass a $925
    billion bonding bill through the governor’s office when they had already vomited forth
    approximately $293 million in bonding for transportation projects and the
    University of Minnesota bioscience initiative – for a grand total of about $1.2
    billion in bonding – far more than the 3 percent of the state’s revenue that
    has been the rule for so many years. This profligate spending not only
    endangers the state’s credit rating, but it will likely bring a plague of lesbian biker gangs down upon the state.
    Lesbian biker gangs are wont to frequent locales of questionable taste and
    credit, after all.

    Compounding this circus of stupidity was Gov. Pawlenty, his
    eyes alight with the fire of ineptitude, wielding his veto pen with the
    judicious approach normally associated with crack-addled nymphomanical
    squirrels. With but a stroke of red ink, away goes the gorilla habitat at the
    Como Zoo – those damn dirty apes should expect nothing but the same great gobs
    of crap they fling at zoo-goers. A simple slash to funding for those savages in
    Red Lake – how dare they expect help from
    the state in the form of a loan to the school district! And a quick twitch of
    the wrist spells a monumental "fuck you" to the DFL controlled metro area,
    where the Central Corridor, a project Gov. Pawlenty has been on board with, loses
    the $70 million in bonding earmarked for it.

    Now, I’m against excessive bondage as much as the next guy.
    And the legislature obviously expected to bend over for a severe spanking after
    being warned repeatedly by Pawlenty that exceeding the $825 million level would
    bring justice as swift and as sure as the Hulkster has 22" pythons – for lo,
    Gov. Pawlenty doth bring the thunder. But the cuts to the Central Corridor
    light rail line funding are baffling on the surface. Even more so because this
    loss of funding jeopardizes the $400 million federal dollars for the line. No
    federal funding means no rail line, since Minnesota can’t afford new toys all by
    itself, and Tim seems insistent on taking
    his and going home    .

    There are, of course, any number of people crediting
    Pawlenty with political genius, saying that with time left in the legislative
    session, an agreement can be hammered out to save light rail. That the governor
    made a strong statement aimed at bringing the pure cold light of reality to an
    out of control group of legislators. In reality, rather than making sensible
    cuts to get the budget down to a level he deems reasonable, according
    to Senate research    , he seems to have vindictively targeted DFL controlled
    districts for his cuts. 98 percent of the budget cuts came from DFL districts.
    And while the taut buttocks of the state’s volleyball players will suffer
    little from the loss of a planned addition to the National Volleyball Center in
    Rochester, the cut to the Central Corridor is an unwelcome visitor to the much-vaunted
    nethers of Minnesota we call the metro area.

    Luckily, our politicians have, over time, inured us to the
    bizarre sensations that accompany these unwelcome visitors. For what would Minnesota be without the
    cold, unlubricated hand of government intruding in parts unknown and heretofore unexplored?

  • Stupid Sex

    Sex is the great equalizer, for does not the rich man
    conduct his doggy-style in much the same way as the poor man? Granted, the rich
    man conducts his to the tune of $5,000 per
    night     while the poor man’s might’ve cost him a bottle of Strawberry Hill at
    the liquor store down the block, but in the end, both situations result in
    guttural noises and a tattered
    web of ego-salving lies    .

    But there’s a dark side to the equalizing power of sex.
    Minnesota may be the 13th smartest state, according to the last
    round of the Smartest State Awards, but once the subtle, nigh ultrasonic
    rustling sound of frilly underwear hitting the floor causes blood to rush south
    to engorge parts unknown and the sheets are stained with fesenjoon,
    we’re every bit as willfully, soul-crushingly stupid as Arizona, #50 on the
    list. As a result, the occurrence of sexually transmitted diseases has risen
    steadily in Minnesota, since as far back as 1996.

    Now, to be fair, it’s quite possible that Minnesotans strip
    down and make like crack-addled bunnies significantly more often than your
    average Arizonan, especially given that our fair state goes for approximately
    six months without seeing sun nor experiencing warmth, so it’s natural for us
    to seek solace and body heat in mind-numbing
    bacchanalia    . But that’s no excuse for a nearly four percent gain in cases
    of syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea in just the last year. And of course,
    that doesn’t include the rampant crabs, trichomoniasis, genital HPV infection
    and other assorted cooties generally associated with icky
    boys    .

    There’s plenty of blame to go around for the fact that
    double bagging it will soon be standard practice when picking up moderately
    attractive drunks     in front of the Lone Tree Bar downtown. We’ll start with
    the modern-day Pandora’s box that is the state government, of course. A paltry
    $1.3 million in state funding was proposed for STD screening and public
    education in the legislature. Of course, in these days of instant
    gratification, the funding was cut. $1.3 million is too much to spend on a
    program that would likely take a few years to return the investment in the form
    of healthier babies, reduced cancer rates, and a dramatic drop in Nietzsche-esque
    insanity and sibling lust     – a condition HMOs are often loathe to cover.
    Plus, think of the horrific janitorial costs as thousands of men shift
    uncomfortably, attempting vainly to hit the urinal whilst their collective
    crotches are on fire.

    There are certainly other reasons for this steady decline in
    pubic health. These include:

    • pediatricians and family doctors
      reluctant to talk with their patients about sexual health for fear
      of finding out just how the lollipops handed out after each visit are
      truly used by oversexed teenagers,
    • abstinence-only
      sex education programs – because preventing kids from learning about how
      to protect themselves in the event they want to bang their way through the
      cheerleading squad/football team/woodwind section of the school orchestra
      seemed like such a good idea at the time

    The
    bottom line is that half of high school seniors and more than 75 percent of
    college students in Minnesota are happily humping their way through their
    academic careers, and many of them think that love is all the antibiotic they
    need. That’s not even mentioning the staggering fact that 25
    percent of girls 14-19     in the U.S. have an STD. A problem with this scope
    may require a bit more than good intentions, a subscription to Penthouse and
    the occasional call to DTMFA from Dan Savage.

    To put an even finer point on it, before he started
    gnawing on the furniture and frothing at the mouth (but after he started
    chasing his sister’s skirt), Mr. Nietzsche said that, "…if a woman seeks
    education, it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning."
    Given that we’re inexorably headed toward a day when the entire state
    experiences a burning
    sensation when it pees    , it may be wise to offer the education before the
    girls, or boys, have a chance to request it.

  • Fiscal Lubrication

    For those of you lulled into complacency by auspicious
    recent events such as Britney’s brief
    flirtation     with lucidity, it’s important to note that, not only is the
    entertainment industry still pumping out fucking loons
    at a heretofore unheard of pace, but our politicians are providing ample
    evidence of a world view so profoundly divorced from reality that it’s likely
    only a matter of a few short days until Gov. Pawlenty declares "Blame it on the
    Rain"     our state song and Speaker of the House Margaret Kelliher declares her
    undying love for Michelle Bachmann’s fabulously taut ass. In other words, take
    heed, Minnesota denizens, for the Oh Shit meter has gone from a subdued puce to
    an alarming ochre.

    And what has triggered these dire portents? What could
    possibly be serving as the harbinger for yet another pending apocalypse? The
    answer is disarmingly, deceptively simple – nothing more, or less, than the
    overwhelming demonstration of the profound stupidity endemic to all levels of
    our representative democracy.

    These portents have appeared at a furious pace as of late. John McCain’s assertion that Purim is
    the Jewish Halloween    , thus disappointing a highly influential voting block
    as they continue a hallowed tradition of offering a big "Fuck you" to yet
    another culture that tried to annihilate them, was only the beginning. And Dick
    Cheney’s apparent pleasure at providing a big
    "Fuck you"     to the American public as polls indicated two-thirds of
    Americans disapprove of the war in Iraq was just a cherry on top of the mountain of asshattery displayed whilst our policy-makers grandstand and
    pontificate on how best to take advantage of the economic reaming the average
    American feels
    they are about to receive    .

    To address the assembled citizenry’s fervent desire for
    fiscal lubricants to ease the anticipated pain, Obama and Clinton
    have released their economic stimulus and oversight plans. McCain, of course,
    is standing pat, toeing the GOP line as he has for the last few years and
    stating that the check going out to taxpayers in May, not to mention the tax
    breaks for businesses that will surely convince them to invest in added
    infrastructure while consumers aren’t buying anything, is plenty to arouse the
    economy and stimulate a good old-fashioned consumer orgy.

    What baffles me, however, is that the plans put forth by
    these august candidates are, for the most part, predicated on becoming
    president despite all three having plenty of legislative power. And since statistically, recessions are generally over within a year to a
    year and a half, meaning any fiscal policy levied after scoring the presidency
    won’t take effect until January of 2009. Much like downing the morning after
    pill nine months after the condom breaks, that’s long after it could possibly
    do any good.

    Then you might think to yourself, "At least our local
    legislators, staunch realists like Marty Seifert and the Iron Range’s Tom "The
    Sex Hog" Saxhaug, are carefully balancing Minnesotan needs against the harsh
    reality of the budget deficit threatening our government services and
    benefits". If you were harboring such thoughts, you may want to relieve
    yourself of them via repeated
    blows to the cranium     with a blunt object, since you’d be laughably wrong. To
    address the state’s approximately $1 billion deficit, GOP legislators offered a program
    of cuts to higher education, dips into the state’s rainy day fund, and
    bizarrely, a token tax cut to make Minnesotans feel better about the panty raid
    Gov. Pawlenty proposed on the state’s health care access fund and budget reserves. DFLers universally
    derided the deficit fix, calling the proposal shortsighted and damaging. House
    Majority Leader Tony Sertich went so far as to say, "Everyone knows people from
    Eagan are twats. And Tim Pawlenty is a twat among twats. The alpha and the omega of twats, if you will."

    One might imagine the DFL, after such an ideological salvo,
    would come back with a solution to the state’s budget woes. A solution that
    would salvage programs to salve the economic doldrums afflicting our state’s
    citizens whilst securing Minnesota’s solvency for the biennium and beyond.
    Sadly, it seems we’ll sooner see Michelle Bachmann in an Amsterdam donkey show
    than have a budget proposal that actually addresses the real issues facing the
    state. The budget that the DFL’s greatest financial minds came back with dips
    even further into the rainy day fund. And while the $23 million in extra
    education spending is nice, the proposal doesn’t provide any details on the
    program cuts necessary to cover that spending. Nor did they make any attempt at ensuring solvency in the next biennium. Much like the Pawlenty
    administration and inflation, reality and the DFL have never quite meshed.

    Frighteningly enough, the group we must look toward for
    fundamental change in our fiscal policy is the Bush administration. They’ve
    bailed out Bear Stearns despite outcry from left and right, thus avoiding a
    repeat of the market crash that triggered the Great Depression. And we’ve
    already seen some small changes – allowing the Federal Reserve and treasury
    some additional oversight of investment houses and mortgage originators. But
    more meaningful changes, changes that will allow the hand of government to wrap
    itself around the balls of America’s financial system and give a great tug when
    necessary are not yet forthcoming. Can an administration that has spent the vast
    majority of its time in Washington on a ranch in Crawford, TX or up its own ass
    aggressively move to create meaningful legislation? Can a man whose sole method of
    reassuring the public that the economy is in good hands consists of letting us all know
    the government worked over the weekend     actually trigger substantive change?

    Yeah, I know. We’re fucked. But I, for one, welcome our new
    Chinese overlords, and will enjoy receiving the benevolent treatment afforded
    all China’s provinces    .