The Rake Magazine

Tag: car

  • Topless. Chicks. With Sticks.

    Like summer is upon us and will be gone faster than Flo Rida will be hot. With this in mind, I have to make a confession. I love women in convertibles (primarily) who shift their own cars. I want the summer streets filled with them.

    So.

    Here are my top three picks for the best mix of chicks and sticks forever.

    1) Porsche Cayman (not a drop top but hotter than milk chocolate on assphalt). I think this may be the hottest chick car of all time. Calling it Caychick might move even more of them (not that they need it).

    2) Alfa Spider. I dedicate this pick to Janet Car Chick Maximums Grangaard. You go girl.

    3) Porsche Turbo 1987 convertible. The first generation Turbos are some of the wildest, most unpredictable cars of all time. Reminds me of my girlfriend the first year out of college. She could drive cars. She could drive this Porsche. She drove men crazy (primarily) because they could not negotiate its manic, mephistophelean turbo lag.

    The woman was a devil.

    On that note, I generally feel that a chick with a stick will kick a "bad" (superaccentuated air parenthesis) boy with a toy any day of summer.

    Oi.

     

  • Topless Nymph. Not For You.

    With all the focus on small footprint cars these days, you’d think smart brands like Nissan would send us all their candy.

    The
    "us" I am referring to would be, of course, the middle-aged lotharios
    that long for their youth. And few cars say "younger than
    you should be" than the Nissan Micra—arguably the cutest little button
    of a car ever made.

    But we’ll never see it here. Too small. Too
    tiny. Too darn cute — unlike the Germanic grocery cart called the Smart
    (which I hear is not selling well).

    Having lived for a spell in
    Japan myself, however, I think there is something else at play. Older Japanese men (in particular) are obssesed with youth — more in a pulpish than a
    papal sense, but an obsession nonethelss.

    In fact, the line
    between the automotive and the anthropological in Japan is frequently blurred. Salarymen read catalog-sized comics filled
    with pictures of doe-eyed characters that are overly-defined. Pop "artists" like Takashi Murakami craft nyphmetic sculptures nasty
    enough to make Jeff Koons blush.

    And such is life.

    Which
    is why Nissan can introduce a new, topless
    version of the Micra this year without furthering the fantasies
    of people who really don’t belong in its seats. The
    effect might be totally different if rides like this were released into the puritanical yet
    pornographic pop culure we endure over here.

    They may not be selling us
    this car to save us from ourselves.

    Now go have a sucker.