Yesterday, amid news of four ton satellites
falling from the heavens
and the pending departure
of Minnesota’s last sports superstar,
a glimmering beacon of hope shone from our nation’s capital. The House
of Representatives, in one brief shining moment of accord, today put
aside their rancor for a subject not involving burly men injecting
illicit substances into their exquisitely toned
buttocks. In our
nation’s time of need, our elected representatives have pieced together
a package that will help ensure we all come through the lean times ahead with a smile and a shiny new iPod.
This nearly $150 billion package
not only puts $600 in the hands of nearly every tax-paying, God-fearing
citizen in the country, but also provides $300 for those too poor to
pay income taxes. Yes, now even the homeless, wild-eyed mental patient
wandering Nicollet Mall spraying rapid-fire racial epithets will be
able to afford a Nano and still have money left over to
load it up with Katt
Williams and Michael Richards to freshen up his routine.
Of course, some may say it
seems mighty strange that a tax rebate, usually one of the first moves
during flush times when the Cristal flows like Champale, is the answer to the anguish caused
by the subprime meltdown. But according to our redoubtable leaders in
Washington, this is the exact mix of consumer rebates and business tax cuts our
economy so desperately needs.
Never mind that it might appear
that this bill is being fast tracked to help our elected leaders avoid
the appearance of not being a dynamic force for the good of all Americans
in an election year. It’s not as if we’ll be borrowing the money
to pay for this package from China, and then immediately spending that
money on consumer goods from China, thus dramatically widening the trade
deficit and creating an ever-deepening and self-perpetuating spiral
of debt and deficit that we’ll pass to our grandchildren, who will
curse our names and hock loogies at us whilst we tell tales of the good
old days, before people were chosen by lottery to fight giant pandas
in a grand arena
for the amusement of the new Chinese aristocracy.
Ah well, luckily, we have the
Senate to thoroughly vet this
bill and act as
America’s voice of reason, sobriety, and temperance.