Tag: hookers

  • A Sesquicentennial in the Spring of Our Discontent

    Older generations often talk wistfully of times past – an
    era when candy was a nickel and hookers cost but sixpence. And with Minnesota’s sesquicentennial occurring this year, the temptation to romanticize is pushed even farther, with tales of subzero temperatures, white out conditions, and devouring small children to survive winter’s lean times bandied about like so many empowering after-school special style messages delivered by Hillary Duff.

    But is it really a terrible thing that our civic and
    nationalistic zeal is at an all-time low? It should certainly come as no surprise when our state legislature and governor have only in the last few days been able to stop offering a combination of absurd budget proposals and Yo’ Momma jokes and actually sit down to hammer out a compromise that may prevent nearly 10 percent tuition hikes at the U, the loss of $450 million in Federal money, and the rising use of ninjas in foreclosure cases. Plus, with disapproval of the president at an all-time high of 67 percent, the country hemorrhaging money and global goodwill in Iraq
    faster than Delta’s top execs , and the American dollar nearly equal to the vile Canadian Loon, it would seem to many that we have precious little to be proud of in
    these troubled times.

    So, with the state legislature bickering over property tax caps and whether Minneapolis police officers will soon have the power to
    pull over downtown revelers, hot chick and douchebag alike, who may be too tipsy to remember their seatbelts, not to mention turning on their headlights, turning off the windshield wipers, or perhaps even closing the door, Minnesota
    Statehood Week could not possibly come at a better time. From May 11-May 18 we’ll have ample opportunity to think fondly of the days when Minnesota’s politicians were simply bald-faced land grabbers, rather than two-faced opportunists. Best of all, to celebrate Minnesota’s statehood, a Dunlap Broadside – one of the original 25 copies of the Declaration of Independence made on the evening of the Declaration’s signing – is on display until the 18th
    at the Minnesota History Center.

    This may seem like grasping at straws to the nihilists out there, but the ideals stated in the Declaration of Independence, in combination with our Constitution, are the foundation upon which our country’s eminence
    rests. As such, having this document in the state, touched by the founding fathers and imbued with the words that justified the formation of our country as it is, is a rather momentous occasion. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone
    to reacquaint themselves with these words – especially those in our legislative and executive branches who don’t seem to understand that even well-intentioned political gamesmanship has, on occasions throughout history, been met with
    something less than the accolades politicians hope for from their constituency.

    When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have
    connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they
    should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
    Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. – That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, – That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such
    form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath
    shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same
    Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

  • My Fifth Wife's Life

    I received an e-mail that this Ron guy insisted I publish along with a picture of his scarcely-aged trophy (above). This has not been spell-checked and is re-produced unmolested (bad choice of word?)

    I am writing this on behalf of my wife and son to your
    snarky blogger named Bert. My name is Ron Spellman and I own more cars than your
    pissant perpetrater of automotive polemic ever has. My wife currently drives a
    Veyron for her grocery getter, you little bastard, as I want my foie gras to remain
    appropriately firm and chilled from the first bite to the last. (Bellagio* does take-out in Telluride.) In fact, I am so rich that I hire unpaid interns from Bennigton College (the most expensive liberal arts
    school in the country—which would be in Vermont) to respond to my
    e-mail and write my blog. I can hardly fathom why I stoop to address the wanten
    stupidity that emanates from The Rake, but my wife has insisted. In fact, she
    wants you all to know that she does know the difference between an Audi and an
    Enzo. It seems however that we had to wait too long for the latter so she
    purchased the Audi to tide e.e.clinton over till the 650 HP Enzo in racing red
    arrived in Benni, I am mean Boston. Our son is impatient. What’s wrong with
    that? It’s not like he spends all his time on a blog during school or some stupid
    sh, I am mean stuff, like that.

    (*Bellagio is so great. I don’t care that Wynn has the Ferrari dealership in Vegas even though he makes makes people pay for entrance. That’s really cool but not not as cool or class as Bellagio.)