All praise be to the cyclopean gods of old for finally
bringing the nigh interminable local and national Democratic nomination process
to a close. For while sentences involving Andy
Rooney, sodomy and bestiality, not to mention flag
lapel pins and innuendo involving sniper fire,
roll comfortably off the tongue of B-grade actors on late-night Cinemax, they
do not serve as a substitute for effective political discourse.
As a result, now that the maddening cacophony of berserk
liberals has gone silent, however briefly, we must rush to place weightier
issues on the table of public discourse. for not even the ancient eldritch
power of the elder beings from out of time and space, combined with the cosmic
might of Allah and Yahweh, will be able to hush the yowling
dissonance that will ensue once the battle for the nation’s
soul between Republican and Democrat begins in earnest.
Donkey shows
aside, the upcoming elections come at a time when a veritable shit-strewn minefield
of problems is facing America’s
middle class. To be clear, these problems do not include:
- Middle
Eastern terrorists come to spread plague, rape our women and blow up
landmarks while screaming the Xena battle cry to
the heavens. - Godless
foreigners come to spread plague, rape our women and steal our jobs whilst
inflicting gastrointestinal discomfort on us all by introducing new foods
to the American palate. - Compact
fluorescent light bulbs come to spread plague, rape our women, and
poison our children with trace amounts of mercury. - Homosexuals
seeking same sex marriages come to spread plague, rape our men and trigger
the long-feared rash of man/horse romantic entanglements.
What these problems do include is rising food costs,
skyrocketing energy prices, tightening credit markets, miniscule raises, and
falling home values, all adding up to an increasingly brutal struggle to stay afloat. In
fact, between the first quarter of 2000 and the first quarter of 2008, after
adjusting for inflation, wages for the middle class have essentially stagnated — increasing only .6 percent. And since the start of this year, wages have
actually fallen behind inflation. Of course, that should come as no surprise –
drivers throughout the country have found themselves spread-eagled at the pump,
caught in the caustic grip of high-octane fossil fuels and whispering "I wish I
could quit you" whilst sadly caressing the pump handle.
So has this to do with the upcoming election? Everything, of
course. America’s
strong middle class is constantly cited as the primary reason for our country’s
profoundly powerful and stable economy. They are the yellow sun to the United States’
Superman. The Astro Glide to the country’s Jenna Jameson. The Blackwater to its
Iraq
security policy. Unfortunately for the middle class, most members of that
demographic lack super strength, do not get to aid in the profligate banging of
porn stars, and don’t possess the fully automatic weapons necessary to enforce
real change. And with the illusory gains of the last few years almost
completely wiped away, America’s
middle class is under threat of extinction.
On the campaign trail, our candidates for the Senate, the
Oval Office, and every other elected office in the land put forth ideas for
healthcare reform, bringing the troops home and winning the War on Terror.
However, in their desperate hunt for sound bites and applause lines they’re
missing the true scope of the problem. The economy has grown dramatically for the
last six years, but that growth has largely left everyone but the wealthy
behind. As a result, the middle class is becoming an even more narrow slice of
the population, a trend that has accelerated and become ever more visible since
the housing bubble burst. And as that slice shrinks, the country loses ground
to its global competition.
This lost ground means fewer students can afford college,
thereby limiting the qualified workforce in the country. Our buying power
suffers, forcing other countries to replace us with more valuable trading
partners. Crime rates rise and neighborhoods become blighted toothless
creatures, with boarded-up gaping wounds where families once dwelled and
half-staved children roving through Longfellow, Kenwood and Linden Hills like a
biblical swarm of feral locusts devouring all in sight and ruling their new Lord of
the Flies kingdom with brutal efficiency.
So while Democrats cheer on a message of change and Republicans
bask in McCain’s Zen-like balance of maverick reputation and stay-the-course
policy, neither side offers a full-blown strategy for heading off the impending
class wars. And if this problem isn’t addressed, the rise of micro-nations
within once peaceful neighborhoods will only be the beginning. The Chinese, no
longer content with their near-monopoly on American lunch buffets, will buy up
real estate at fire sale prices, satisfying the Communist nation’s long-held
fascination with robot superweapons by collaborating with the Japanese to use
the newly acquired land as a testing ground for an army of giant robot
pandas. If this horrific future comes to pass, not only will America become
a former superpower, but no one’s lucky bamboo will be safe from the
predations of these nuclear-powered Socialist creatures
of mass destruction.
