It has become quite obvious in recent days that loyal
service just isn’t rewarded within the legislature anymore. As recently as a
handful of years ago, long-tenured legislators and officials would be shown the
public’s appreciation through pompous public ceremonies and the occasional
backroom smorgasbord of hookers and blow. But Lindsey
Lohan’s rates have gone through the roof, and tight budgets have reduced the
budget for recreational pharmaceuticals in the Senate to almost nil. As a
result, the legislature hasn’t put together a proper farewell for our very own
soon-to-be departing state transportation commissioner slash
lieutenant-governor – Carol Molnau.
Since Tim Pawlenty’s election in 2002, Molnau has tirelessly
served our state as a triple threat – lieutenant governor, transportation
commissioner and national arm
wrestling champion. Her self-proclaimed transportation expertise, which has
been amply demonstrated by such deftly executed projects as the Wakota
Bridge project, and her masterful handling of the 35W/62 interchange project,
where her requirement that all contractors bidding on the project pay
construction costs up front and then be reimbursed by the state resulted in no
bidders coming forward to take the work, stalling the project and saving the
state millions in 2006.
Of course, Molnau has had her detractors. Some call her
leadership asinine, accusing her of being an unqualified bumpkin who managed to
drive Mn/DOT into the ditch like a farm girl drunk on lust and moonshine
attempting to make it to Sartel on her daddy’s tractor.
Unfortunately, the tractor in question vibrates quite distractingly once it
hits 5 miles per hour, making it hard for our heroine to keep her eyes on the
road. Of course, it doesn’t help that the roads the tractor has to travel on,
in the words of several legislators, are "crumbling," or that the process for
awarding the hundreds of millions of dollars at stake for the new 35W bridge
was approximately as comprehensible as Britney Spears’ thought
processes. In the meantime, she’ll just need to rev that fucker up and jump
the gap in true Duke boys
fashion. And if the tractor won’t cut it, maybe she can borrow one of those
brand new F-150s
Flatiron imported from Colorado for the project.
Regardless, Molnau is most likely on her way out today, so
why focus on the pain of the past when we can build a brighter future? The king
is dead, long live the king, and all that, right? Well, in order to build that
brighter future, we’ll need a new transportation commissioner. Someone who can
unite, rather than divide. Someone who can bring hope to all – from the
unwashed masses on the 5 to the Chaska housewife deftly maneuvering her
lumbering Expedition from pothole to pothole.
And who would my recommendation be for this august post,
assuming Molnau goes the way of the nigh-mythical Yecki? Who could be our
beacon, our ray of hope that will bring happiness and My Little Pony back to
this great state?
Laurie Coleman
Mrs. Coleman would be the ideal choice to resurrect our
transportation infrastructure from the blasted,
post-apocalyptic landscape we’re greeted with on a daily basis. She learned
urban renewal from Norm Coleman – a man who has played both sides of the aisle
in his political career with grace and aplomb, not to mention a certain amount
of opportunism. She can sell
ideas in ways that Carol Molnau never dreamed. This former runway model has
already convinced me to install a Blo & Go, though I was under the
impression it offered an entirely different feature set that would have more utility for today’s man on the go. I’ve
even heard that, in preparation for the call from Gov. Pawlenty, she has
devised a way to monetize Minnesota’s surplus of icy Scandinavian blondes, a
resource our great state is known for. According to Coleman’s projections, this
new export could likely negate the need for the recently passed gas tax.
Of course, it doesn’t hurt that she’s hot. We could use a little eye-candy to distract us from the politicking and rampant idiocy. Besides, did not
Keats say, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,-that is all ye know on earth, and
all ye need to know"? Which, after taking a spin through the photos
of our legislators, goes a long way toward explaining why truth comes at
such a premium up at the capitol these days.