It’s Friday, and like that girl you had in the backseat of
your dad’s Buick back in ’82, Spring just ain’t giving up the goods. And while
the putrid grey color of today’s sky and frozen water the clouds vomit
forth inch by cursed inch may bode well for today’s opening of the new North Face store in Uptown, it may
well drive many in our fair state to crack open a bottle of Jameson and toast
to today’s freezing over of the Nine Hells.
Now, women
in fleece and quilted coats turn me on as much as the next guy, but does
the melting of the polar ice caps really have to signal warmer weather and
coastal living for everyone but the masochistic souls of the Upper Midwest? Do
we not deserve some warmth when we’ve been subjected to a winter of arctic air,
partisan bickering, and a plague of douchebags?
In any case, while it’d be much more effective to offer
everyone in the Twin Cities metro area free pharmaceutical-grade opiates,
instead, we of The Defenestrator bring you Happy Fun Fridays – a new
potentially regular feature straight from the land of make-believe and unicorns
meant to bring you, our valued reader, the joy that is so profoundly and
painfully missing from your life.
So dry your tears, stop touching your outer child
inappropriately and get in touch with your inner child as you play the Obama:
Race for the White House game! Think Obama is a hypocritical, albeit
charismatic, opportunist? Then you’ll be thrilled to offer universal health care
as America’s favorite battle-axe in Hillary:
Race for the White House! Or perhaps you’re a geriophile
with a firm belief that we’re winning the war in Iraq? Then relive the glory
days of the war with a little Baghdad
Bowling.
Or maybe you’re tired and just need some sunshine in your
life and some help figuring out what you want for dinner tonight. Well, before
there was Obama Girl, there were bikini-clad cooking tips from the superheroine herself.
So dry your tears and take heart that even though
today’s weather and the state of our legislature is evidence that God doesn’t love you,
you’ve got a friend at The Rake.