Author: Keith Pille

  • Reality is the New Fantasy

    Spending hours essentially motionless, neck-deep in art supplies, trying to draw a believable rendition of Halifax, Nova Scotia, with an ear half-cocked to The Young and the Restless wafting in from the living room—this is when Ryan Kelly tends to get a moment of clarity. “You have to make yourself a little nutty to draw comics for a living,” he said recently, chatting over coffee at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts.

    Kelly’s not a superheroes-and-monsters type of guy, but rather one of the growing wave of comic creators who are wrestling the medium out of the spandex ghetto. His latest effort, produced with writer Brian Wood, is a twelve-issue monthly edition called Local. It’s getting a fair share of attention in the crowded indie-comics world: The five issues published so far by Oni Press have been tremendously well-received. The first sold out nationwide, and Minneapolis’ Big Brain Comics reported that they sold more copies of Local #2—which takes place in that city—than that month’s blockbuster crossover from DC Comics. This is akin to a Wes Anderson movie outdoing MI:3 at the box office.

    Following twelve years in the restless life of a young woman, Megan, each issue is set in a different city, with a stand-alone story that chronicles her personal growth. Local, Kelly said, is intended to be completely accessible to any reader. “You don’t have to read the previous issues to get it. You can pick up any issue and the story starts on page one—it’s fulfilled; there’s closure at the end.”

    Much of the praise for the comic centers on its artwork. “Kelly’s forte appears to be the ability to ground the shifting locales and rotating, aging characters in a consistent reality,” wrote Matthew Craig, a critic for the comics website Ninth Art. “His character designs are superb, from the Jagger-mouthed co-star of issue #2 to the freckles on the protagonist’s face.” Indeed, Kelly’s characters hit the sweet spot between realism and cartoony impressionism; the small exaggerations to their features serve to heighten emotional impact. Even more impressive are Kelly’s streetscapes and interiors. His linework in Local #2 makes the snow and sleet along Lyndale Avenue seem lyrical, and landmarks like Hum’s Liquors (above which Megan lives), the Wedge Co-op (where she shops), and Oarfolkjokeopus (her workplace, which is now Treehouse Records) are lushly rendered with evocative, flowing brushstrokes.

    As the series was in development, Kelly lobbied Wood for a Twin Cities location, wanting “the excitement of seeing my home depicted in a comic.” Minneapolis won out over St. Paul because of suitability for the story and the strong comic-scene support there, but it was hardly a walkover: “St. Paul is much more visually appealing to the eye than Minneapolis,” Kelly said. “It’s been much better at preserving its architectural heritage and stately riverfront charm. I would have had more fun, as an artist, drawing St. Paul.” He would also love to do a comic set in the “banal and beautiful” Duluth, and even (although he wouldn’t want to live there) in “the cul-de-sacs of our sprawling suburbs.”

    Despite the jokes about spending his days eating cereal and watching TV, Kelly’s penciling-and-inking life is hardly leisurely. The work piles up, he said, “and the only world you know is your little eight-foot-square studio space.” That’s when he starts likening his brain to a balky team of sled dogs who have to be goaded along to the finish line. When talk radio and the aforementioned Y&R fail to provide enough stimulation, he turns to the world outside: “My art gets worse if it’s just about what I read in the paper and what’s in my own weird imagination. It’s never reached its full potential until I go out to be around people and experience spaces or people or buildings.”

    While studying at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design, Kelly had a goal to become “the next Michelangelo,” but comics has turned out to be a good niche for him. Even though some comics auteurs have made the jump to Hollywood—indie-comics titan Dan Clowes (Ghost World, Art School Confidential) and Frank Miller (Sin City) being two famous examples—collaborating with film-industry types doesn’t appeal to Kelly. “They only like stuff that’s tried and true and they know will make money. In comics,” he pointed out, “you can still take chances.”

  • Drat!

    The Fantastic Four has always been a comic lover’s comic. Although Spider-Man is more widely known, Reed Richards and his family are often considered the soul of Marvel Comics—it was, after all, the Fantastic Four’s explosive popularity in the early sixties that vaulted the company from also-ran to market leader. Although it’s been a long time since the comic book dominated the sales charts, it continues to sell well and remains a high-profile assignment for writer-artist teams (J. Michael Straczynski, creator of the TV series Babylon 5, recently signed on to write it). Even forty years on, minor happenings in the comic’s plot can occasionally make the real-world news, as in 2002, when the Thing was revealed to be Jewish.

    It stands to reason that a movie version of a franchise this beloved would generate loads of interest, and the eruption of online speculation about story and cast bears this out. Legions of nerds, and I emphatically include myself in that category, have been waiting a long time for a good Fantastic Four flick.

    Let’s examine why the comic was so great to begin with. When Fantastic Four #1 appeared in 1961, it was unlike anything else in comics. DC Comics was enjoying great success with Justice League of America, a team-up of its A-list super-types (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al.). The Fantastic Four were Jack Kirby and Stan Lee’s attempt to get a piece of the dream-team action for Marvel. Lee, however, was also sick of the comics industry and on the verge of quitting. As a result, he threw caution to the wind and wrote heroes with actual personalities and regular, human problems. They bickered. They went broke. They spent as much time exploring and inventing as they did fighting crime.

    Ben “the Thing” Grimm bitterly (and rightly) blamed Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Richards for his horrible disfigurement in the accident that gave the Four their powers. Susan “Invisible Girl” Storm, though romantically linked to Richards, frequently flirted with one of the Four’s primary villains, a sea-dwelling tough guy named Namor (who, with his fish-scale swimming trunks, comes off as an ill-tempered Aquaman). This quartet was a far cry from the Justice League heroes, who were happy and well-adjusted (most of them, at least—admittedly, Batman’s got some problems). The Fantastic Four’s nemeses were also notably different; often they defied convention by having actual motivations. The jealous Dr. Doom, for instance, with his enormous ego and raging Oedipus complex, is vastly more compelling than the giant starfish from space that the Justice League faced. Sure, Doom’s desire to conquer the Earth is pretty common, but that was just one of his goals, along with contacting his dead mother, sticking it to Reed Richards, and raising the international prestige of his home country of Latveria.

    This month’s Fantastic Four movie is not the first time that Marvel’s First Family has been adapted to film. A notoriously awful version was shot in 1994 purely to fulfill contract obligations—producer Roger Corman’s ownership of the film rights included a clause that production had to begin by a certain date. The resulting film featured a ridiculous foam-rubber Thing costume and a Mr. Fantastic stretching effect that, according to comics historian Scott Tipton, “looks like a sock on a really long stick.” Even by Corman’s standards, this movie stank. He buried it, and it is currently available only in bootlegs—though the prevailing consensus is that it’s not worth watching even for laughs.

    This leaves the bar pretty low for the new film. However, in adapting what is essentially an origin story, the filmmakers made some choices that will rile the faithful. In Lee and Kirby’s delightful, original version, the Fantastic Four receive their powers from accidental exposure to cosmic rays while stealing a rocket to beat “the commies” into space. Reed Richards’ decision to bring his college roommate, pilot Ben Grimm, makes sense; bringing along his fiancée and her little brother is somewhat less understandable, but that’s part of the charm.

    In the new film, the exposure to cosmic radiation is more or less intentional, and Richards spouts a lame generalization about advancing “our knowledge of planetary life.” How is that even one-quarter as cool as stealing a rocket to beat the commies into space? In fact, while Lee and Kirby quickly established the Four’s powers and then sent them into action, the movie gets bogged down with bogus scientific justifications, in which people must listen to tedious explanations about why they can stretch or turn invisible. If your story hinges on people doing things that are outside of the bounds of scientific possibility, why waste screen time doling out cheesy rationalizations? Every second squandered telling us about Reed Richards’ internal organs could be used instead to, say, send the superheroes back in time to hang out with pirates, or have them hypnotize shape-shifting alien invaders into believing that they’re cows.

    There’s nothing blasphemous about doing the Fantastic Four as high science fiction; this is essentially what Lee and Kirby did, although the boundaries of science fiction have shifted considerably since the sixties. But why play it so straight? The comic book works because of its sense of lighthearted wonder. You can’t have an effective villain named “Dr. Doom” unless you’re willing to at least flirt with camp. While the book, at its best, is an exercise of raw imagination, the movie, like so many of its blockbuster brethren, seems likely to be little more than a modest exercise in computer-generated imagery.

    Not that film adaptations of comics should slavishly ape the tone or trappings or specifics of their source material. Far from it—if adding a character or changing a power makes sense for the story, then I say go for it. The two Spider-Man movies, to take recent examples of Marvel successes, tweaked a lot of details but held on to the core elements that have always made Spider-Man interesting. The result was something that pleased pretty much everybody: Comics geeks got a couple of Spider-Man films they could love; the non-comics-reading public got well-above-average summer movies; and the producers got enough money to fill the Grand Canyon. But these are exceptions; the more typical Hollywood emphasis on effects and exposition over story and character hasn’t generated a lot of great superhero movies. Do we still talk about the film version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

    I submit that comics are a potential trap when it comes to adapting them for film. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world to do, since a comic book looks like an illustrated screenplay. But that’s the point: It’s illustrated. Someone has drawn the panels, and has total control over what you see and don’t see. Visually awkward elements, such as the look of Dr. Doom’s armor on an actual person, never have to appear. Moreover, a comic artist can control the flow of time itself based on how he chooses to break up the action. If, in a comic, you want to show Reed Richards stretching his arm, you show a normal Reed arm in one panel and a stretched-out one in the next. If you want to emphasize that it’s really hard for him to stretch—maybe Dr. Doom has him in a chamber whose temperature is absolute zero and he’s not as elastic as usual—then you draw six almost-identical consecutive panels, each with a slightly longer arm. The reader’s mind fills the gaps, drawing her more deeply into the story. The closest thing to this in film is that Matrix-y “bullet time” effect that keeps getting trotted out (and, mercifully, seems to be on the wane).

    Superhero stories are hardwired into us humans—or more accurately, superhero stories are one manifestation of a story archetype that appears to be hardwired into us. That pretty much explains Joseph Campbell’s career, and the line stretching from Beowulf to Reed Richards b
    ears that out. The weird thing, though, is the way that superheroes and comics have become inextricably linked. There’s nothing inherent about words combined with pictures that forces them to tell stories about demigods. Hordes of comics writers and artists are working, more or less underground, to tell completely unheroic stories (see Dan Clowes and Marjane Satrapi for a couple of more prominent examples; tangentially, Clowes’ Ghost World was the basis for one of the best comic-to-film translations of all time). But if you drive by Comic College on Hennepin, you see a photorealistic painting of Batman and a bust of the Hulk; when people think comics, they think superheroes.

    There are three reasons for this. The first comics to sell in huge numbers were superhero books. Second, simple good-versus-evil superhero tales were an easy way to comply with the harsh scrutiny trained on the medium during the fifties. (Vibrant alternate genres that had cropped up, like pirate and horror comics, wilted when censors started paying attention.) Finally, until recently, hand-drawn pictures represented the only way to show superhero action without either looking cheesy or costing a fortune.

    The universality of superhero stories means that characters can easily hop among different media—Superman is inspiring whether you’re reading a comic book, watching a movie, or playing with an action figure. The characters themselves are in no danger, but comics have become a niche market with dwindling numbers. Tipton notes that while top books routinely sold millions of copies in the late forties, these days a book is a phenomenon if it cracks a hundred thousand. Currently, the comics divisions of Marvel and DC exist at least partly as R&D departments to produce characters and storylines for use in other, more lucrative media. It’s rumored that DC’s corporate parent, Time Warner, doesn’t even require that the comics turn a profit, knowing that movies and toys will more than recoup the money spent on writers and artists. Although it almost certainly won’t match the trainloads of money produced by the Spider-Man movies, The Fantastic Four will in all likelihood be profitable for Marvel. It will provide us with a couple of hours’ worth of mildly diverting spectacle, and maybe even some cool toys (the Hulk movie sucked, but those foam Hulk Hands are pure fun). For anything more, your best bet is to turn back to the comics. Which is fine by me.

    Let’s examine why the comic was so great to begin with. When Fantastic Four #1 appeared in 1961, it was unlike anything else in comics. DC Comics was enjoying great success with Justice League of America, a team-up of its A-list super-types (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, et al.). The Fantastic Four were Jack Kirby and Stan Lee’s attempt to get a piece of the dream-team action for Marvel. Lee, however, was also sick of the comics industry and on the verge of quitting. As a result, he threw caution to the wind and wrote heroes with actual personalities and regular, human problems. They bickered. They went broke. They spent as much time exploring and inventing as they did fighting crime.

    Ben “the Thing” Grimm bitterly (and rightly) blamed Reed “Mr. Fantastic” Richards for his horrible disfigurement in the accident that gave the Four their powers. Susan “Invisible Girl” Storm, though romantically linked to Richards, frequently flirted with one of the Four’s primary villains, a sea-dwelling tough guy named Namor (who, with his fish-scale swimming trunks, comes off as an ill-tempered Aquaman). This quartet was a far cry from the Justice League heroes, who were happy and well-adjusted (most of them, at least—admittedly, Batman’s got some problems). The Fantastic Four’s nemeses were also notably different; often they defied convention by having actual motivations. The jealous Dr. Doom, for instance, with his enormous ego and raging Oedipus complex, is vastly more compelling than the giant starfish from space that the Justice League faced. Sure, Doom’s desire to conquer the Earth is pretty common, but that was just one of his goals, along with contacting his dead mother, sticking it to Reed Richards, and raising the international prestige of his home country of Latveria.

    This month’s Fantastic Four movie is not the first time that Marvel’s First Family has been adapted to film. A notoriously awful version was shot in 1994 purely to fulfill contract obligations—producer Roger Corman’s ownership of the film rights included a clause that production had to begin by a certain date. The resulting film featured a ridiculous foam-rubber Thing costume and a Mr. Fantastic stretching effect that, according to comics historian Scott Tipton, “looks like a sock on a really long stick.” Even by Corman’s standards, this movie stank. He buried it, and it is currently available only in bootlegs—though the prevailing consensus is that it’s not worth watching even for laughs.

    This leaves the bar pretty low for the new film. However, in adapting what is essentially an origin story, the filmmakers made some choices that will rile the faithful. In Lee and Kirby’s delightful, original version, the Fantastic Four receive their powers from accidental exposure to cosmic rays while stealing a rocket to beat “the commies” into space. Reed Richards’ decision to bring his college roommate, pilot Ben Grimm, makes sense; bringing along his fiancée and her little brother is somewhat less understandable, but that’s part of the charm.

    In the new film, the exposure to cosmic radiation is more or less intentional, and Richards spouts a lame generalization about advancing “our knowledge of planetary life.” How is that even one-quarter as cool as stealing a rocket to beat the commies into space? In fact, while Lee and Kirby quickly established the Four’s powers and then sent them into action, the movie gets bogged down with bogus scientific justifications, in which people must listen to tedious explanations about why they can stretch or turn invisible. If your story hinges on people doing things that are outside of the bounds of scientific possibility, why waste screen time doling out cheesy rationalizations? Every second squandered telling us about Reed Richards’ internal organs could be used instead to, say, send the superheroes back in time to hang out with pirates, or have them hypnotize shape-shifting alien invaders into believing that they’re cows.

    There’s nothing blasphemous about doing the Fantastic Four as high science fiction; this is essentially what Lee and Kirby did, although the boundaries of science fiction have shifted considerably since the sixties. But why play it so straight? The comic book works because of its sense of lighthearted wonder. You can’t have an effective villain named “Dr. Doom” unless you’re willing to at least flirt with camp. While the book, at its best, is an exercise of raw imagination, the movie, like so many of its blockbuster brethren, seems likely to be little more than a modest exercise in computer-generated imagery.

    Not that film adaptations of comics should slavishly ape the tone or trappings or specifics of their source material. Far from it—if adding a character or changing a power makes sense for the story, then I say go for it. The two Spider-Man movies, to take recent examples of Marvel successes, tweaked a lot of details but held on to the core elements that have always made Spider-Man interesting. The result was something that pleased pretty much everybody: Comics geeks got a couple of Spider-Man films they could love; the non-comics-reading public got well-above-average summer movies; and the producers got enough money to fill the Grand Canyon. But these are exceptions; the more typical Hollywood emphasis on effects and exposition over story and character hasn’t generated a lot of great superhero movies. Do we still talk about the film version of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?

    I submit that comics are a potential trap when it comes to adapt
    ing them for film. It seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world to do, since a comic book looks like an illustrated screenplay. But that’s the point: It’s illustrated. Someone has drawn the panels, and has total control over what you see and don’t see. Visually awkward elements, such as the look of Dr. Doom’s armor on an actual person, never have to appear. Moreover, a comic artist can control the flow of time itself based on how he chooses to break up the action. If, in a comic, you want to show Reed Richards stretching his arm, you show a normal Reed arm in one panel and a stretched-out one in the next. If you want to emphasize that it’s really hard for him to stretch—maybe Dr. Doom has him in a chamber whose temperature is absolute zero and he’s not as elastic as usual—then you draw six almost-identical consecutive panels, each with a slightly longer arm. The reader’s mind fills the gaps, drawing her more deeply into the story. The closest thing to this in film is that Matrix-y “bullet time” effect that keeps getting trotted out (and, mercifully, seems to be on the wane). Superhero stories are hardwired into us humans—or more accurately, superhero stories are one manifestation of a story archetype that appears to be hardwired into us. That pretty much explains Joseph Campbell’s career, and the line stretching from Beowulf to Reed Richards bears that out. The weird thing, though, is the way that superheroes and comics have become inextricably linked. There’s nothing inherent about words combined with pictures that forces them to tell stories about demigods. Hordes of comics writers and artists are working, more or less underground, to tell completely unheroic stories (see Dan Clowes and Marjane Satrapi for a couple of more prominent examples; tangentially, Clowes’ Ghost World was the basis for one of the best comic-to-film translations of all time). But if you drive by Comic College on Hennepin, you see a photorealistic painting of Batman and a bust of the Hulk; when people think comics, they think superheroes.

    There are three reasons for this. The first comics to sell in huge numbers were superhero books. Second, simple good-versus-evil superhero tales were an easy way to comply with the harsh scrutiny trained on the medium during the fifties. (Vibrant alternate genres that had cropped up, like pirate and horror comics, wilted when censors started paying attention.) Finally, until recently, hand-drawn pictures represented the only way to show superhero action without either looking cheesy or costing a fortune.

    The universality of superhero stories means that characters can easily hop among different media—Superman is inspiring whether you’re reading a comic book, watching a movie, or playing with an action figure. The characters themselves are in no danger, but comics have become a niche market with dwindling numbers. Tipton notes that while top books routinely sold millions of copies in the late forties, these days a book is a phenomenon if it cracks a hundred thousand. Currently, the comics divisions of Marvel and DC exist at least partly as R&D departments to produce characters and storylines for use in other, more lucrative media. It’s rumored that DC’s corporate parent, Time Warner, doesn’t even require that the comics turn a profit, knowing that movies and toys will more than recoup the money spent on writers and artists. Although it almost certainly won’t match the trainloads of money produced by the Spider-Man movies, The Fantastic Four will in all likelihood be profitable for Marvel. It will provide us with a couple of hours’ worth of mildly diverting spectacle, and maybe even some cool toys (the Hulk movie sucked, but those foam Hulk Hands are pure fun). For anything more, your best bet is to turn back to the comics. Which is fine by me.

  • Cover Letters I'd Like to Send

    Jann Wenner
    Publisher, Rolling Stone

    Dear Mr. Wenner,

    My name is Keith Pille. I am here to rescue you. Your magazine has become an atrocious ball of doo-doo, and I believe that nothing short of a top-to-bottom overhaul can restore it to its former glory. Please let me know a good time for me to show up at your offices and assume complete editorial control of Rolling Stone. It might be a good idea to tell your staff that whoever has been responsible for the past five years of Britney/Christina cover stories might as well start looking for other work immediately. Everyone else will greatly enhance their chances of surviving the impending purge if they clear their files of materials saying anything positive about Korn or Creed. Dashboard Confessional boosters are on thin ice as well.

    My vengeance shall be swift and severe but, in the end, all for the best.

    You should find enclosed a copy of my résumé. I look forward to working with you. Please reply at your earliest convenience.

    ***

    The Gibson Guitar Corporation
    Kalamazoo, Michigan

    To Whom It May Concern,

    You make guitars. I play guitars. We have a natural symbiotic relationship, and I feel that it is nothing less than a crime that we have not yet found a way to capitalize on this. Please let me know immediately if you are interested in retaining my services as a guy who sits around and plays guitar. Perhaps we could explore an exclusive contract wherein I would agree to use nothing but Gibson products while sitting around and playing guitar. Or, if you would like to take things a step further, I would gladly license my image for your use if you wished to show me sitting on a couch playing a Gibson while watching syndicated episodes of, say, Seinfeld with the sound turned off. Along the same lines, I would be happy to provide you with laudatory remarks that you could quote in your promotional materials (an example: “The SG Deluxe that Gibson sent me, along with $35,000, was absolutely the nicest guitar I have ever been paid to sit around and play”).

    I am told that Gibson has a flexible vacation and benefits package. I would like very much to hear more about this.

    ***

    Mr. William McManus
    Chief, Minneapolis Police Department

    Dear Chief McManus,

    I am writing to you to offer my services as a driving instructor. I feel that your department would benefit from my expertise, because I possess many skills that your officers seem, as a body, to lack. I am quite confident that we could negotiate a salary and benefits package that would leave both of us feeling satisfied.

    There are several areas in which I feel that your officers would profit immeasurably from my instruction. For example, it appears that one gap in your current training program is in the area of the turn signal. I have lived in Minneapolis for six years without once seeing a cop signal before turning. I would be delighted to explain this device to your men and women in blue, beginning with the basic nuts-and-bolts operation of a turn signal and moving on through higher turn-signal theory (why we signal, the erosion of public faith in traffic laws when they are flouted by authority figures, and so on). Other topics I would cover would include creating a “paradigm shift” in police stereotypes by, for example, not flipping on your rollers just so that you can run a red light, or refraining from parking illegally outside of South Minneapolis coffee shops. I feel obliged to point out that this could become a real win-win situation; law enforcement’s big stuff these days, and the sort of improvements that my presence would induce could result in a cushy Homeland Security position for one lucky police chief.

    ***

    The Fender Guitar Corporation
    Fullerton, California

    Dear Fender Guitar Corporation,

    As you may or may not have heard, I am currently in negotiations with your rival, Gibson, to enter into an exclusive Sitting Around and Playing Guitar contract. Before sealing the deal, however, I feel it is only fair to offer you a crack at my services.

    For a suitable sum of money, I would be willing to use nothing but Fender products while sitting around and playing guitar. (Although I have to be honest with you: I’m not very impressed with any of your acoustic models; we would have to discuss either the construction of a special one just for me, or some kind of arrangement where we took a Martin and covered up the logo with a Fender sticker.) For a more substantial compensation package, I would license my image to you for use, and/or provide you with praise-filled statements that you would be free to quote in your promotional materials (example: “This…er, Fender acoustic sure is one nice acoustic. Easily the equivalent of any high-end Martin”). Please send your bid in a sealed envelope, keeping in mind that Gibson is doing the same and the clock is ticking.

    ***

    CNN
    Atlanta, Georgia

    Dear Cable News Network,

    I have noticed that CNN has more or less ceased to be a channel that reports the news, becoming instead a constant stream of shows in which people who have no idea what they’re talking about argue about current events. I would be gratified if you would consider giving me such a show. I do a pretty good job of keeping up on current events. (I’ve heard, for example, that shark attacks are way down this year.) And I have immense experience arguing over things about which I know nothing. I realize that in order to maximize conflict, your shows tend toward a format where two adversaries share the billing. I’m not sure if anyone in your current stable would work very well as an adversary for me. For one thing, they all seem to be pretty well matched already, and I would hate to split up any of the successful partnerships. Wolf Blitzer doesn’t seem to be taken yet. Otherwise, I have several telegenic friends with at least as much experience as I have in arguing from a point of complete ignorance.

    Keith Pille is a Minneapolis writer whose work has appeared in McSweeney’s.

  • Go Loudly into the Night

    After playing guitar by himself for twenty-odd years, Tom O’Connor found himself in a rut. “I’m tired of knowing three chords,” he said, grinning. “And I wanted to play with other people. I’ve been playing to my plants and my furniture and my kids; my kids stopped listening to me, and I thought, ‘You know, I’m going to learn how to keep time with other people.’”

    So O’Connor went to Rock School. Minneapolis’s MacPhail Center has a sterling reputation as an academy of classical music. They also have a class that teaches students how to rock out. It is prosaically called “Rock and Blues Ensemble.” Craig Anderson is a genial guitarist who founded the program twelve years ago. “What’s the difference between jamming in a basement and being in this class?” he asked in his MacPhail studio. “There is none. This class is just like what people do all over town on their own, except MacPhail provides a practice room, gear, and the guidance of a teacher.”

    A decade of teaching the class caught up with Anderson. He had to hang up his guitar this semester because of tinnitus, a constant ringing in his ears (a detail that surely just adds to the rock ’n’ roll cred of the program). The frontman position has been filled by Steve Roehm, another gifted musician with experience in several Twin Cities bands. (He currently plays drums for an outfit called Electropolis.) Every Wednesday night, Roehm assembles his pupils in the MacPhail Annex. It is a brightly lit room that looks more church basement than garage. And instead of moody teens dreaming of Lycra hot pants and big-busted groupies, the class I attended consisted of three beer-bellied men in their forties. According to Anderson, this is pretty normal. Describing the typical pupil, he said, “it’s more of a creative, artistic outlet in their lives. But they’re not so wrapped up in it. They have kids. They have jobs. It’s not like they’re playing rock ’n’ roll as an expression of their angst toward society.”

    Thus, teaching the class means taking a diverse group of grown-ups with varying levels of ability and coaching them to play as a unit. It’s not always easy. Although Roehm conducted class from a drum set, he was frequently hopping up to a xylophone to play a melody, to a whiteboard to write out a time signature, to a bass to demonstrate a fingering. He was, however, careful to intersperse more formal instruction with tips on how to rock out properly. For instance: “You stretch out the dramatic chords, and that’s where we can pose and do all of our extra sweating.”

    Roehm led the class through a series of blues figures, an original song written by one of the students, a Led Zeppelin tune suggested by the bass player, and, most successfully, through a free-form jam initiated when O’Connor put his head down and started rocking out to three chords. (The only tune the students balked at was Van Morrison’s “Moondance.”) Although there were occasional rough spots, as when two of the guitarists attempted a solo at the same time, I noticed more than one rictus of guitar rapture, too; they were enjoying themselves.—Keith Pille

  • Portrait of the Artist as a Non-Artist

    American Guitar Stallions, by Keith Pille
    Reviewed by Keith Pille

    I come to bury American Guitar Stallions, not to praise it. Which is good, because burial, not praise, is what this stinking sack of crap merits. Deep burial. In a fortified and lead-sealed vault. American Guitar Stallions is easily among the worst novels of the new century. If anything, its very status as a novel is doubtful. It possesses some, but certainly not all, of the commonly- accepted elements of a novel. Characters? Well, there’s one, at least, and a few supporting cutouts—most notably a sex-crazed girlfriend who appears only in wordy smut scenes. Plot? Not really. Theoretically, we’re reading about a lovable rogue’s efforts to win an unlikely American Idol-style guitar contest; but for each page of competition we get six of verbose description of how it feels to play “Back in Black” through a vintage amp. A unifying theme? Insight into the human condition? Emotional hooks? Nowhere to be found.

    What Stallions does have is words—38,614 of them. This number, in fact, represents half of Stallions’ claims to being a novel; any collection of words that large must be some sort of book, and this is certainly no technical manual. The rest of its claim comes from Stallions’ having been willed into existence during National Novel Writing Month.

    For the past five years, a growing crowd of masochists around the world have dedicated November to clogging their computers or notebooks with awful prose in pursuit of writing a fifty-thousand-word novel in thirty days. They register at the NaNoWriMo website, where they post information about themselves and their projects, and where they can log on daily to update their word counts. FAQs and forums provide tips for reaching fifty thousand (set a daily quota and stick to it; don’t be afraid to write total dreck) and a supportive community.

    And now a confession: I am the wretch responsible for American Guitar Stallions. And while I have left the world of forced-march fiction for the greener pastures of weirdly self-referential journalism, the Twin Cities have emerged as a hub of NaNoWriMo activity. More than three hundred people in the state of Minnesota signed up for this year’s campaign, working on projects ranging from “sort of the great American immigrant novel, with the Yugoslav civil war as the backdrop” to a Norwegian adaptation of Goodfellas.

    Gathering at a St. Paul coffee shop shortly before the ordeal was to begin, this year’s participants were giddy with optimism. A rookie who went by the handle “Tomislav” (naturally, he’s the one working on the immigrant novel) drew cheers by boasting, “This is going to be my first year finishing NaNo!” Others related cautionary tales. “Sasha’s novel had a breakdown,” warned participant Cory Strode, speaking of a previous-year participant. “In about the last ten thousand words, where she was literally telling herself she couldn’t do it in the novel itself…the novel was going along and then all of a sudden, ‘There’s no way I can do this. I am such a horrible writer and this completely sucks.’ Ten thousand words of that.” I had grown accustomed to the silly grin usually affixed to Strode’s face, but now it had twisted into a kind of there-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I horror.

    Reaching that final goal requires the novelist to produce an average of just about seventeen hundred words a day, a daunting task even without worrying about quality. Why do people put themselves through this? The most common answer to this reasonable question is that everyone says they want to write a novel, but no one ever sits down and does it. NaNoWriMo (yes, we really call it that; it’s both a nod to the postmodern impulse to reduce everything to an acronym, and a willful kind of rule-bending that, I think, says a lot about this whole stressful misadventure) offers a tough-self-love way to beat the urge to procrastinate, to silence your inner censor by drowning him in sheer volume. Grinning Strode falls into this camp, estimating that he writes more every November than he does in all the other months of the year combined. Mischievously confusing his first- and second-person, Strode said, “I honestly think that without the pressure, you don’t write.” Other writers nodded their heads in agreement, and I remembered my own because-it’s-there feeling of challenge that resulted in Stallions.

    Balancing the pain, all NaNos look forward to the sweet feeling of logging onto the website on November 30 and recording that they have forced themselves across the fifty-thousand-word finish line. Megan Spencer finished previously by “giving myself a word count, every single day….I managed to stick to it last year.” And then? “I printed it out, put it in a binder, and thought about editing it, but didn’t because I was almost failing a few classes and had finals.” Harsh, yes, but she’s still finished one more novel than most people.

    Binder-banishment sounds like just the thing for American Guitar Stallions. The prose feels as though it had been written by a sixth grader with more ambition than vocabulary. Stallions possesses a strange, lurching rhythm; the text leaps forward with something resembling writerly energy for maybe two paragraphs before settling into a tired, forced plod in which the English language is visibly stretched and disfigured by an apparent insistence to use five words where one will clearly do. Invariably, this continues for bursts of seven pages (which, coincidentally, would be about seventeen hundred words) and ends awkwardly, without warning, often in mid-action. The cycle repeats itself. At one point, possibly the climax, there is a seven-page transcript of pointless jokes emailed between the main character and his friends that feels suspiciously genuine, almost cribbed from real life.

    Stallions’ ending is appropriately incompetent. You can identify the exact spot at which the author flamed out from the effort of churning out word after word of egregious crap, the psychic burden of bringing so much verbal violence into the world finally taking its terrible but inevitable toll. One minute, the main character is preparing himself for another round of competition. The page turns, the goal is within reach, and “He loses and his girlfriend leaves him. THE END.” Given the book’s near-total absence of plot progression, it’s tough not to find this fitting. Anything else would have looked out of place at the end of this miserable milk-mustache on the face of American letters.