Today is the day Uptown brings sexy back.
Even as Calhoun Square divests itself of undesirable
tenants, forcing men in striped shirts stumbling blindly forth from Drink to satisfy their gyro pizza cravings elsewhere, an
ominous pink glow rises from what was once the home
of sensibly priced polos and ringer tees – signaling a new order at Lake
and Hennepin. A new order that could potentially blow the minds of Uptown
residents and shoppers alike. A new order that, if left unchecked, could plant
the seed of corruption in the impressionable minds looking for an intellectual
connection atop the
rooftop at Stella’s. For lo, the
pink-gartered beast from Columbus has arrived in Uptown, entreating and
cajoling all who pass by with promises of crotchless hedonistic delights
within.
Or at least, that’s what Victoria’s Secret CEO Sharen Jester
Turney would have
us believe. According to Turney, Victoria’s Secret has become far too sexy,
instantly transforming upstanding Lunds shoppers into streetwalkers and whores and stirring men into
testosterone fueled rampages –forcing them to don designer jeans and untucked shirts at a
heretofore unheard of pace in order to engage in frenzied rituals involving
Captain Morgan and the spasmodic twitching that passes for dance among males of the species. Minneapolis’ corporate sector will grind to a standstill
as the siren song of garter belts and bustiers lures unsuspecting men and women
into a hormone-laden trap, with the furious coupling that ensues resulting in a
baby boom of unprecedented proportions – potentially rendering the Social
Security system solvent again.
In reality, the arrival of Victoria’s Secret does
not herald the carnal apocalypse. But, it does signal a new era in the
Uptown saga. And while it promises fiscal stability, as fellow
blogger Christy DeSmith mentioned, there are significant questions
surrounding the redesign of Calhoun Square and its surrounding environs,
especially as pertains to the retail mix. Independent restaurants and shops
have played a large role in Uptown’s history, but many smaller Calhoun Square
tenants are leaving, whether because of the instability inherent to a
significant redesign like the one the property is going through, or because
their leases aren’t being renewed. Longtime stalwarts like The Lotus are
getting the "morning after the one-night-stand" treatment. Sobriety has come
crashing down and while it seemed like a great idea at the time, the cold light
of day has revealed Dan Frischman – Arvid
from TV sitcom "Head of the Class" – lying languidly beside you, basking in the afterglow. The door can’t hit them in the ass fast enough.
The plans put forth by the new owners of Calhoun Square call
for a "mix of national retailers, local
boutiques, and engaging restaurant concepts, including a mix of new and current
tenants…" but that promise is eerily similar to the initial proposals for the
urban nightmare that is Block E and doesn’t hold much water given the exodus of
current tenants, though some, like Kitchen Window, have had their leases
extended. And with American Apparel, Victoria’s Secret and North Face
all setting up shop near the already well-established Urban Outfitters, Uptown
residents have every right to be suspicious.
In fact, residents are already reverting to the
slavering attack dogs who so handily helped scuttle plans for a high-rise condo
above the Lagoon Theater.In an example of either the craven cowardice of the
Minneapolis Planning Commission, or the strident power of community activism,
neighborhood residents have already sent the Minneapolis Planning Commission
scrambling for cover as they bombard the developer with demands for "more public
space" in the Calhoun Square redesign, as well as concerns over the possibility
of large "anchor" tenants at the redesigned mall. Despite the support of city planners, communit concerns have caused approval of the project to be delayed till the Planning Commission’s next meeting on March 31st.
Luckily, amid the rancor and disquiet, we have the
comforting pink glow of Victoria’s Secret to remind us that even if a Chili’s
takes the place of our beloved Figlio, we can always give in to the
overpowering carnality emanating from 3000 Hennepin Ave. and embrace the
hedonistic lifestyle proffered by Gisele’s cleavage, at least until Sharen
Turney introduces the all new Very Sexy Chastity Belt and reveals the company’s latest spokesmodel.