Tag: energy

  • Oil Wrestling

    With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema
    for the last few months, it’s understandable that various politicians would be
    spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation
    squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so
    "unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do
    anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of
    oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the
    expense of honest, god-fearing, patriotic, SUV-driving Americans who want
    nothing more than to be left alone to mourn for the loss of American
    primacy in the penis wars
    .

    Yesterday our Fearless Leader called for Congress to allow drilling
    in coastal waters
    that oil companies are currently barred from exploring.
    To oil companies, America is like the girlfriend who considers the back door
    off-limits. To the callous and crass frat boys of our petroleum producers, any
    hole that may offer a payoff is one worth exploring thus setting the stage
    for the battle
    between reduced gas prices and social benefits like stable ecosystems and
    unpolluted water.

    Of course, that’s a false dichotomy.

    Given that there are 68 million acres of land that are, as
    of yet, unexplored and undeveloped by oil companies despite those lands being
    opened for drilling in within the last seven years, it’s unlikely any oil would
    be pumped in from offshore rigs within the next decade. Not to mention the
    simple fact that the 2 million barrels of oil a day potentially drawn from
    those reserves would be the proverbial drop in the bucket by the time the crude
    starts a’flowin’. Bottom line you’d be more likely to improve your economic
    position by filming your
    girlfriend playing Wii Fit in her underoos
    and parlaying that into a TRL appearance
    than by encouraging oil companies to go spelunking in coastal waters.

    So ignoring the fact that Americans would be offering up
    their most pristine and unspoiled areas of wilderness in return for Jack and
    shit, in the end it’s not a choice between reducing gas prices and preserving
    the environment. It’s a question of wasting resources while we desperately
    grasp at a dying way of life. Even though we would prefer the approach taken by
    Luke Skywalker, fervently
    denying the truth as told by Lord Vader
    , when James Earl Jones speaks the
    cold hard facts, we must listen. And the truth is, there is more economic
    benefit to be found in dedicating the money oil companies might spend to
    alternative power research, whether in cellulose biofuels, allowing food to be
    produced for eating, not fuel, renewable sources like solar or wind power, or
    cold fusion thus
    providing us with the damn flying cars
    we were promised oh so many years
    ago.

    And since Minnesota leads in cellulose ethanol
    research and has a thriving wind-power industry, this approach would allow us
    to offer a big "fuck you" to the gulf states, several of which suck down tax dollars like a
    crack-starved Tyrone
    Biggums
    . And if there’s anything a Republican respects, it’s self-sufficiency.

  • The End Is Nigh!

    In the lean years that will
    soon follow, survivors will look back upon December 19, 2007 with pain
    and sorrow in their haunted eyes — for this day marked the beginning
    of the end. The Seventh Seal will soon be open, for the passage of the first increase in
    CAFÉ standards in more than 30 years

    can be naught but a signal that the End Times are upon us.

    Now, the "Energy Independence,
    Clean Air, and Climate Security Act of 2007
    "
    is fairly atypical for a piece of compromise legislation in that it
    actually accomplishes something. That is, something beyond giving the honorable
    representative from Alaska

    some pork to sustain him through long cold nights spent dreaming of
    the day when Josh Hartnett
    will save him

    from the vampires that so often stalk Yukon towns. And to be sure, Rep.
    Don Young, even the legendary Hartnett, whose superhuman charms kept
    the ravenous hunger of Scarlett Johansson sated for longer than any
    normal man could ever hope for, cannot save you from the pending apocalypse
    signaled by the passage of a bill that calls for increased fuel consumption
    standards in passenger cars and light trucks. By 2020, no longer
    will Hummers be able to tool along I-94, secure in their superior ability
    to carry Viagra users from one tarmac covered area to another whilst
    fueling their unholy internal combustion with the most beautiful virgins
    in the land. And believe me – virgins do not make for efficient combustion.
    No, in just 13 short years, assuming the sun does not suddenly collapse
    into a neutron star when our fearless leader puts pen to paper on an
    environmentally friendly piece of legislation, the average fuel economy
    of every automaker’s fleet will be bumped to 35 miles per gallon.

     

    Of course, if one were not
    paying attention, it might be difficult to understand why this seemingly
    positive change signals a pending holocaust. I, however, am uniquely
    qualified to read these dire portents. Allow me to break it down for
    all y’all. While the phenomenon of congressional leaders finally summoning
    the intestinal fortitude to turn down the 72 virgin party offered by
    automakers and oil-producing countries may induce some to think the
    Rapture is coming, I have a much more simple theory. The passage of
    this bill may signal the Four Horseman simply because most experts for
    the last 30 years believed a hermaphrodite would make a run for the
    presidency before any elected official would make changes to those standards.
    Turns out they were right. And for the first time since the
    energy crisis of the 70s, no filibusters were held in protest of this
    assault on America’s big iron. No one listened to the feeble cries
    of American automakers screaming at the prospect of being forced to
    innovate, rather than offer U.S. consumers the chance to buy the umpteenth iteration
    of the Ford Taurus
    .
    To be fair, the Taurus does not burn virgins for fuel. But it won’t
    get you in the back seat with one either. Of course, neither will most of today’s
    greenest cars
    .

    Which brings us back to the
    apocalypse – an apocalypse that saves us nearly three million barrels
    of oil a day in 2020 and takes care of nearly a quarter of the U.S.’
    greenhouse emissions targets. Even more astounding, and quite possibly
    referenced in the Book of Revelations, is the addition of the Clean
    Power Act of 2007 – requiring the EPA to issue reduction targets in
    emissions from various and sundry power plants. Not to mention the ultra
    nifty perk for Minnesota that will have farmers from Redwood Falls to
    Ely twitching with subsidy-inspired incontinence – required U.S. biofuel
    production of 36 billion gallons by 2022. That’s a whole lot of corn
    – spelling millions upon millions of dollars for Minnesota farmers
    (which will get a virgin in the back seat of a Taurus).

    Just don’t expect to have
    long to enjoy it. Make your peace with your maker, horde foodstuffs,
    firearms, and neighborhood women, and convert your vehicle to run on
    vegetable oil, for today’s CAFÉ standards mark the beginning of Ragnarok.
    The great fire giant Surtr will soon cross the Rainbow Bridge with his
    ravening hordes and cleanse the world of late model Fords, sparing only
    Priuses and other Al Gore approved means of transportation. Like I said
    a couple days ago – we’re boned.

  • Pimp My E-Ride

    John Herou isn’t your typical electric-car ideologue. The founder of e-ride Industries possesses a bright strain of idealism to be sure, but fundamentally he’s a practical man, an inventor and classic car buff, more entrepreneur than tree hugger. The cars he builds, called neighborhood electric vehicles because by law they can go only twenty-five miles per hour and drive on streets with commensurate speed limits, are distinctly Minnesotan. While more common designs tend toward the futuristic, usually resembling a bubble or a jellybean, e-ride’s EXV2 and EXV4 look like small SUVs. They feature rugged tires, optional chrome hubs, plenty of cargo room, abundant panels of shiny aluminum diamond plate, and, of all things, a high payload capacity.

    In fact, if you care to know, Herou’s primary vehicle is a gas-powered Ford F-250 truck. “My dad was a chiropractor in Milaca,” said the sixty-three-year-old Princeton native, wearing khaki pants and a tucked-in shirt. He is somewhat tight-lipped and bashful. “And I was in the electrical industry here for about thirty-five years. I thought it would be fun to build an old replica of a 1932 Ford Roadster for the kids. That’s how it all started.”

    A passerby turned into Herou’s home driveway one day and offered to buy the electric Roadster. Right then, he saw that there was a market for his invention. His first electric cars were golf carts designed to look like classics from the 1930s. They were elegant and upscale, with chrome headlights, baby moon hubcaps, and solid oak drink holders and sweater baskets. He sold them to wealthy people all over the globe, including one to the king of Morocco and four to the Abu Dhabi Golf Club. The slogan was, "For the fun-loving perfectionist who loves a good ride." The description could just as aptly apply to Herou.

    His cars, which come in vivid primary colors, are sturdy, meticulously designed, and also entirely reflective of Herou’s particular tastes. We hopped into a white two-seater EXV2 outside the e-ride offices in Princeton. The car was comfortable, with the pared-down feel of a Jeep Wrangler. Its nine eight-volt deep-cycle batteries, which are stashed in a compartment between the seats, are enough to keep the car moving for fifty-five miles between charges; they also power various accoutrements, such as a horn, windshield wipers, and an optional stereo and heater.

    Herou could hardly wait for me to turn the key. When I did, there was a mere click and a disconcerting silence, as though I’d switched on a toaster. He assured me that the car was indeed running. Then, I made his day by fumbling for the nonexistent gear shifter. “You were reaching for the stick shift,” he said, obviously delighted. With one finger, he flipped a toggle switch on the dash from forward to reverse. Now, I just hit the ga… I mean accelerator? I asked, robbing Herou of an opportunity for further delight. The car moved easily, the only sound being the whine of turning wheels.

    Proponents of electric vehicles like to point out that some of the first cars in America were battery powered and that in the late 1800s, these cars held many of the land-speed and distance records. Through various actions by the oil and auto industries—some call them conspiracies—electric cars were phased out. Then, after a successful experiment in California in the 1990s, recounted in the documentary Who Killed the Electric Car?, they were phased out again. It’s been difficult to build a sustained and cohesive electric-car movement, explained Lee Hart, an engineer and member of the Minnesota Electric Auto Association, a group formed just last year. “If you are interested in electric cars you are an iconoclast,” he said. “We’re like farmers. We’ll trade technical information on how to do things. But when it comes to political action, it goes nowhere. We don’t lobby. We don’t have lawyers.”

    Hart, who can talk for the better part of an hour about battery technology, is on his fourth electric car, a 1980 Renault he converted himself by the curb in front of his house. The car, which is powered by a dozen “plain old lead acid batteries,” was “intended as a short-range vehicle, a get-me-to-work car. I only needed a range of thirty miles or so.” Yet this self-proclaimed evangelist, like other electric-car pioneers toiling away out there, has big plans. He intends to build a vehicle that may go three hundred miles on a single charge. It’s a version of a model designed in the late 1990s called the Sunrise. If all goes well, he will sell the car as a kit—thus avoiding various federal regulations—that the average person could assemble with bolts and a wrench.

    Hardcore enthusiasts sometimes refer to neighborhood electric vehicles or NEVs, a category of automobile created in 1998 by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, as “glorified golf carts.” But they don’t necessarily mean that disparagingly. “John is doing great work,” Hart said. The problem, if you ask him, rests with the various state legislatures, which have limited the cars to twenty-five miles per hour. “They’ve restricted them to where they can’t be used.”

    More than forty states allow NEVs on public roadways. Minnesota passed its law just last year, thanks to a bill sponsored by Senator Paul Koering. Of e-ride, he said, “They asked me to come over and tour the factory and I was so impressed. They look like little Hummers. I want one!” According to Koering, the legislation generated very little opposition. In fact, at some point the state may offer a tax credit toward the purchase of an electric vehicle (supplementing federal credits). “I’ve gotta tell you, with the new members of the legislature,” he said, “the tone that I’m hearing, people are on the environmental bandwagon. I feel like the pendulum has swung. People are getting more excited about this every day, and rightfully so. None of us are happy with the war in Iraq and we want to see less dependence on foreign oil so we can say to the Middle East, Take your oil and gas and shove it.”

    Indeed, it was after the World Trade Center attacks and the attendant stock-market disaster that Herou’s golf-cart business dried up. “Nobody from overseas was buying anything at that time,” he explained. And so in 2003, with gas prices on the rise, he turned his efforts to electric cars. It was a logical progression. “About eighty-five percent of what we sold had never seen a golf course, anyway,” Herou said, referring to their use in retirement and other planned communities. “Plus, people wanted larger vehicles that would go farther and carry more.”