Tag: pawlenty

  • A Sesquicentennial in the Spring of Our Discontent

    Older generations often talk wistfully of times past – an
    era when candy was a nickel and hookers cost but sixpence. And with Minnesota’s sesquicentennial occurring this year, the temptation to romanticize is pushed even farther, with tales of subzero temperatures, white out conditions, and devouring small children to survive winter’s lean times bandied about like so many empowering after-school special style messages delivered by Hillary Duff.

    But is it really a terrible thing that our civic and
    nationalistic zeal is at an all-time low? It should certainly come as no surprise when our state legislature and governor have only in the last few days been able to stop offering a combination of absurd budget proposals and Yo’ Momma jokes and actually sit down to hammer out a compromise that may prevent nearly 10 percent tuition hikes at the U, the loss of $450 million in Federal money, and the rising use of ninjas in foreclosure cases. Plus, with disapproval of the president at an all-time high of 67 percent, the country hemorrhaging money and global goodwill in Iraq
    faster than Delta’s top execs , and the American dollar nearly equal to the vile Canadian Loon, it would seem to many that we have precious little to be proud of in
    these troubled times.

    So, with the state legislature bickering over property tax caps and whether Minneapolis police officers will soon have the power to
    pull over downtown revelers, hot chick and douchebag alike, who may be too tipsy to remember their seatbelts, not to mention turning on their headlights, turning off the windshield wipers, or perhaps even closing the door, Minnesota
    Statehood Week could not possibly come at a better time. From May 11-May 18 we’ll have ample opportunity to think fondly of the days when Minnesota’s politicians were simply bald-faced land grabbers, rather than two-faced opportunists. Best of all, to celebrate Minnesota’s statehood, a Dunlap Broadside – one of the original 25 copies of the Declaration of Independence made on the evening of the Declaration’s signing – is on display until the 18th
    at the Minnesota History Center.

    This may seem like grasping at straws to the nihilists out there, but the ideals stated in the Declaration of Independence, in combination with our Constitution, are the foundation upon which our country’s eminence
    rests. As such, having this document in the state, touched by the founding fathers and imbued with the words that justified the formation of our country as it is, is a rather momentous occasion. And it certainly wouldn’t hurt anyone
    to reacquaint themselves with these words – especially those in our legislative and executive branches who don’t seem to understand that even well-intentioned political gamesmanship has, on occasions throughout history, been met with
    something less than the accolades politicians hope for from their constituency.

    When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have
    connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they
    should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
    Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. – That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, – That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such
    form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath
    shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same
    Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

  • When Timmy Met Margie

    Today’s launch of the new Republican "issue ad" blaming
    DFLers for Minnesotans being asked to sacrifice manhood and innocence alike
    whilst pumping merrily away at the gas station is just the latest chapter in a
    textbook Nora Ephron romance. You see, it always starts with the title
    characters loathing one another. And you’d be hard pressed to find more
    animosity and revulsion than early in the legislative session. Much like Harry
    and Sally, our own Tim Pawlenty and the state legislature started off on the
    wrong foot, with the DFL-controlled legislature, after maintaining a certain
    amount of calm and decorum, offending the state’s top executive by raising the
    gas tax a whopping 42 percent.

    As any fan of the rom com genre knows, once the ire is
    raised, wacky misunderstandings and miscommunications must then ensue. And what
    better place for miscommunication and bafflingly wacky hijinx to occur than
    over the state’s budget? When the governor first sent over a proposed bill last
    Monday, including $125 million in
    unspecified budget cuts
    , Democrats were quick to point out that they were
    completely baffled as to how they could approve a budget with so little detail.
    Why, they would sooner watch Rep. Margaret Kelliher and Sen. Tom "Sex Hog"
    Saxhaug engage in hot oil
    wrestling
    on the Capitol Steps before they would sign such a patently
    confusing document! Of course, last Friday, these same stalwart legislators
    provided Pawlenty with an inscrutable proposal outlining $204 million in cuts –
    when there’s a $935 million deficit.

    Of course, this tete-a-tete provided an opportunity for Rep.
    Tony Sertich to cross the threshold into the next stage of our most improbable
    film – the off-putting infatuation, in which our romantic leads find themselves
    inexplicably drawn to one another, as Rep. Sertich seemed to be after the DFL
    budget offer was rebuffed by the Pawlenty administration. Rep.
    Sertich said, with a tinge of longing in his voice
    , "If we keep working in
    this way of finding places where we agree instead of focusing on the areas we
    disagree I think we can build a solution." And as he walked away from the
    microphone, he let out a deeply flustered sigh, shaking his head as if to say
    to himself, "No! I can’t possibly like THAT."

    What’s next remains to be seen, of course. If the formula
    holds true, there will be heated late-night budget sessions, replete with
    frenzied arguments and impassioned debate. When suddenly, upon reaching a
    breaking point, the dams will burst and Rep. Kelliher will find herself wrapped
    in the governor’s sinewy, hockey-toned arms, making use of public
    infrastructure in ways never approved by
    a house ethics committee
    whilst the rest of the caucus listens at the door
    with self-congratulatory grins plastered upon their reddening faces.

    And in that one all-too-brief moment of bliss, when
    common ground is found in the sweaty convergence of Republican and DFL, is when
    the healthcare access fund will finally be safe, the Central Corridor funding
    will be restored, the legislature will come to its senses and realize just how
    much it’s truly asking for in a year the state can ill-afford most of it. And,
    if we’re truly blessed, Michelle Bachmann will have her own deli scene whilst
    lunching with Al Franken.

  • Pawlenty as McCain's running mate?

    Well. Pawlenty is a great governor in the same way that Bush is a great president.

    Dave Walbridge, WSP
    Letter

  • Innocence Lost

    Since taking office in 2003, Tim Pawlenty has done an
    admirable job of holding to his conservative values and staving off those in the legislature who would pluck that last bastion of political innocence. From saying no
    to an omnibus higher education bill last May to drawing the line at the
    appointment of a state poet laureate, our fearless leader has never allowed the
    fumbling advances of the DFL to arouse his executive passions and cajole him
    into doing something rash, something he’d regret in the harsh light of the
    Minnesota morning, possibly even something that would fund bridges, highways and transit. His steadfastness in the face of judgment clouding sex
    pots like Sen.
    Tom "The Sex Hog" Saxhaug
    has served us well, sparing us from what would’ve been a near
    certain call
    for a state mime
    .

    Yesterday however, our pure and chaste governor’s defenses
    were finally ground down, the sultry cajoling of the assembled legislators
    laying our stalwart executive gently down as his few remaining objections were
    overridden in both the Minnesota House and Senate. Afterwards, Governor
    Pawlenty sat stunned and ashamed, calling the events of the day "Ridiculous in
    scope and magnitude," and fretting over whether the legislature would call like
    it said it would, or if Eagan
    would lose all respect for him
    . Sen. Saxhaug was oblivious to the
    governor’s concern, joining the rest of the DFL in hailing the transportation
    bill’s passage as a great victory for the people of Minnesota, making somewhat
    dubious connections to recent disasters and feverishly penning his "I never
    thought it would happen to me, but…" letter to Penthouse Forum.

    Of course, what truly stands a chance of being lost as the
    governor attempts to find ways to cope, perhaps even standing in solidarity
    with other wronged public
    figures
    , isn’t the fact that Minnesotans will be coping with the first hike
    in the gas tax in 20 years, or that Hennepin county residents may start to
    wonder just what they did to deserve the legislative application of the shocker as a quarter cent sales tax
    increase devoted to transit projects gets piled on top of last summer’s referendum-free
    sales tax increase aimed at funding the Twins’ newly Santana-free stadium. It’s
    the dictatorial ball-peen hammer to the huevos given to the six House
    Republicans who crossed the aisle and voted to override the governor’s veto
    that will likely get lost in the shuffle.

    You see, neither party enjoys when its members step out of
    line – especially when such antics result in a 91-41 legislative gang-bang that
    leaves the governor of our fair state wondering why he was subjected to such
    treatment when it’s patently obvious he hired Carol Molnau
    for just such an occasion. In this case, the Republicans who claim to have
    voted their conscience are being threatened with, according to Rep. Ron
    Erhardt, "loss of media privileges, staff members, and research resources." Maybe
    if we’re lucky, House Minority Leader Marty Seifert will be caught planting
    dead hookers and a small meth lab in Rep. Erhardt’s office. Regardless of the outcome, it’s good to know
    that even though Michelle Bachmann has left the building, there’s still some
    bat shit crazy left in the air.