Tag: Saint Paul

  • Downtown Militarized Zone

    Photos by India Bell

    Hard to believe that as recently as Sunday, downtown Saint
    Paul was a bucolic paradise ringed in chain link, the peace kept by strapping
    young men with plastic handcuffs. Sadly, the photos below didn’t jibe with the
    reality of yesterday’s protests.

    While Minnesota’s, and the nation’s, eyes should’ve been
    turned to the potential for yet another
    biblical disaster visited upon New Orleans
    , and somewhere between 8,000 and
    10,000 people marched in peaceful protest against the war in Iraq, various
    social injustices, and the lack of proper bagels in the Midwest, a small group
    of asshats were doing all they could to ensure all eyes were on them. And
    sadly, they didn’t feel they could accomplish this by word or crappy bohemian
    performance art, so instead they reportedly lobbed homemade explosives, smashed windows, overturned dumpsters, attacked delegates,
    and generally demonstrated their complete lack of understanding of what free speech
    entails.

    Ignoring, for a moment, the larger issue of how this group
    of irredeemable twats makes it virtually impossible for any of the protestors
    to be taken seriously, they’ve created a significant public safety issue for
    the rest of the convention. The police, having seen what lengths immature
    Marxist wanna-be’s will go to "get their message across to the Capitalist
    pigs," are far more willing to deploy the more unpleasant countermeasures
    available to them. This has already been in ample
    evidence
    , with pepper spray used like so much Binaca
    and canisters of caustic gasses that some claim contain tear gas, but are more
    likely to have released Axe body spray into the air – a sure way to disperse a
    crowd. Law enforcement is already being accused of being overzealous, and it’s
    sad that so many well-intentioned and peaceful activists are being caught up in
    the mess that the demonstrations have become – but it’s hard to blame the
    police when they’re forced to deal with hordes of protesters, any one of whom
    may want to cause harm in a variety of ways.

    But on a larger scale, while no one could’ve possibly
    expected protests at the RNC to remain completely peaceful, there seems to be
    precious little thought actually devoted to these demonstrations. Perhaps if
    they were facing down tanks in Tiananmen Square, violence could be understood.
    But marching the virtually deserted streets of St. Paul, it does nothing to
    advance their cause, obscuring it with sensational headlines and stories rather
    than providing an opportunity for public conversation, debate and discourse.
    It’s telling that the protesters engaged in the vandalism and violence wouldn’t
    show their faces or grant an interview. Frankly, it’s profoundly disgusting
    that anyone could consider this an effective, or even acceptable, form of
    political activism.

    The only consolation I can find in this is how
    unlikely it is any of the asshats in question are fellow Minneapolitans, since
    precious few of us can actually find our way to downtown St. Paul.

  • Keeping the Peace Means Communication and a Warm Taser

    While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a
    fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for
    concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the
    Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
    Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento
    Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it’s examining all
    threats, no matter how unlikely.

    Saint Paul’s
    own plans
    for dealing with malcontents, such as corralling protesters in bamboo cages, a
    strategy code-named "The John McCain experience," are already well known. But
    even as Ramsey County invests
    in tasers
    and autonomous independently targeting turrets, they can likely
    find other useful tools by digging in the Department of Homeland security’s
    arsenal. In fact, at a recent counterterrorism conference, a book of
    slang terms
    (PDF), coined by a variety of street gangs, white supremacist
    groups, a variety of ethnicities, and, strangely enough, the judiciary, was
    circulated to help officers of the peace better understand those who would do
    harm to their innocent charges.

    While the primary threat to the RNC remains terrorism and
    unwashed hippies swaying in unison during group sit-ins and marches, the possibility
    of the Latin Kings, Mandingo Warriors, or Minnesota Court of Appeals judges
    growing militantly political and staging an assault on the Xcel can’t be
    discounted. And, failing that, it’s unlikely the various gangs have forgotten
    how much money they once made in the mid-80s selling various powders to rabidly
    capitalistic Republicans frothing at the mouth for junk bonds and snorting coke
    off Jennifer Beals’ taut buttocks.

    This bible of colloquialisms, ripe with
    charming observations about the nature of feminism, social commentary and keen insight on the seven habits of highly effective prison bitches,
    will act as security forces’ guardo camino, enabling them to protect the
    right-leaning stalwart souls come from all four corners of our great country to
    assemble and safely rejoice in a
    decision that was made half a year ago
    .

    We at the Defenestrator, however, want to ensure all can
    identify the malcontents in the crowd sure to lay siege
    to the House that Norm Coleman Built.
    Empowering the citizenry with such insider knowledge will help ensure our
    safety and deter the criminals who will surely seek to disrupt this shining
    example of the democratic process. While the full list of terms is linked
    above, examples of terms you may hear from the hardened criminals in the
    streets and our judicial system are listed below.

    • BEEF STEAK…..(Rap)…..Refers
      to the penis.
    • NINJA TURTLES…..(Prison)…..A
      team of Officers dressed in riot gear in preparation to quell a riot, or
      to conduct a forced removal of an offender. The term is derived from
      the fact that the Officers resemble the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle
      (Cartoon Characters) in this gear.
    • BEES
      KNEE’s
      …..(Latin Kings)…..An extraordinary person, thing, idea, The
      ultimate
    • BOOYAH…..(Street)…..Word
      used to simulate the report of a shotgun
    • CHARGE OF THE GODDESS…..(Occult)…..Originally
      written by Doreen Valiente, the charge gives the story of the message of
      the Goddess and her children. The High Priestess often recites the charge
      at the full moon Esbat.
    • HORSE FEATHERS…..(Latin
      Kings)…..A term for nonsense; lies (Same as applesauce, banana oil)

    So what have we learned from this sampling of the
    nomenclature of America’s
    most dire threats to peace and order? We’ve learned that:

    • criminals
      have an appreciation for early 90s action figures,
    • Wiccans
      are a danger to national security,
    • judging
      by their slang, the Latin Kings are a roving band of malicious octogenarians,
    • and the
      Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat
      Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the
      Sacramento Intelligence unit, could’ve saved a great deal of money by
      skipping this exercise altogether and making use of Urban Dictionary.

    Of course, if you have favorites I didn’t mention here, take
    a look in
    the book
    and mention them in the comments below.