As a child he had been hesitant, self-conscious, and frightened of everything, all products of a certain persuasive calamity of the blood, an inbred insecurity that even the constant certainty that he was loved could not entirely vanquish.
His response to this crippling insecurity was to act up, and in time, as he grew into a late and awkward adolescence, this acting up became a sort of method acting, which in turn morphed into real fearlessness, an indifferent and heedless brand of fearlessness that was often truly wreckless and dangerous in its manifestations.
What was initially a public persona designed to attract attention, eventually became a fierce and private quest for oblivion, almost a desire to transcend his old childhood terrors and insecurities by pushing himself time and again to the brink of senselessness and extinction.
Whenever he stopped moving or pumping chemicals into his body he was bored out of his mind.
Somehow he managed to settle down, and allowed himself to be almost tamed. He learned how to be almost normal, or at least how to conduct himself as an almost normal human being, at which point he recognized the old hesitation, fear, and self-consciousness creeping back into his bored and exhausted brain.
And that, of course, was when he once again became truly dangerous.
Leave a Reply Cancel reply