Year: 2006

  • It Takes a Rat

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    What if I take my kids to see Cars and they turn into NASCAR fans? I don’t want them to set up lawn chairs and coolers in front of the TV and start shouting “Don’t bogart the Cheese Whiz!”

    I was afraid after Babe that we’d have to forego the piggies’ gift of bacon, but the DVD seems to have been scratched and mislaid.

    The only kid-time foodies I can come up with: the French chef in Little Mermaid who sang “Le Poisson” whilst nearly chopping up Sebastian the crab, and Wallace who has my youngest waggling his fingers and proclaiming “Look, cheeeeese Grommit” every time we pass the brimming bin at Surdyk’s.

    But there is a new hero on the horizon: Ratatouille. Next summer, Pixar will release the story of a rat in Paris who simply longs for the best food in the best food city on earth. Now that’s a rodent I can get behind.

  • Conversations Real and Imagined: Route 17 and 21 Film Critics

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    “OK, see, the thing I’ve got in my head is that we’re finally nearing the Armageddon because even the Godless are starting to freak out. Hollywood, that’s the Gomorrah of our time, and what’s going on? Religion. Look at it: Da Vinci Code, The Omen, that Mel Gibson thing with the Indians, even that Al Gore Truth movie’s about a liberal freak-out. The Break-Up’s about figuring out godlessness and even X-Men is about defeating the mutant who goes against God. Nacho Libre takes place in a monastery. Poseidon, too, is a remake of a film with a priest at its center, even though it has a name reflecting ancient, heretical gods.

    “A stretch, you say? Have you seen those movies? You saw Mission: Impossible–notice I didn’t mention that one. They said Jesus was a stretch my friend. And until you’ve walked in the valley, as I have, down at Southdale, let me tell you, you can’t see it. Hollywood’s scared, scared of the savior, scared of the end of time…”

    “If you ask me, The Break Up ought to be about how a sexy woman like Jennifer Aniston breaks the hell up with that fat bastard, what’s his name, and all his fat friends. Why the hell would any girl that looked like Jenn-A sleep with a tub like that?”

    “I sometimes wonder if that Muslim thing isn’t such a good idea–graven images and all, you can’t have likenesses of Allah and such. OK, you can’t have a likeness of Mohammed, whatever. I’m thinking more of Christ and God, this stuff applied to Christianity. Yeah, you’d lose all that great art but you wouldn’t have the Da Vinci Code either. Or that 3-D Jesus I saw at a garage sale last week. They’re both freakshows–mark my words, you’ll see dozens of copies of the book and the movie along with that Left Behind shit at the sales in just a year. Scary, man, truly scary…”

    “You know what would be cool? If there was a Yugo in that Cars movie. I saw one of those on the highway, and it seemed to me like you get a lot of jokes out of that. Old jokes, maybe, but I liked Yugos…”

    “Well, now, I’ve listened to nearly nine hundred shows of A Prairie Home Companion in a row, without break. 882 to be precise. To my knowledge, I’ve heard every show there is, and I have a record of every guest and song and advertisement. The joke ads, that is. I began at the dawn of my streak, but have since added journals that reflect recordings I’ve heard that weren’t in chronological order. Someday, someone at Minnesota Public Radio will want this information.

    “My problem is trying to figure out where to put the movie. Because I saw it, as well as listened. I’ve seen the show live twice, but there wasn’t a conflict because it was a broadcasted show. Obviously, the movie has not been broadcast. Also, were the musical guests real? Do they count? One of them died backstage, but of course he isn’t really dead. And then again Meryl Streep actually appeared at the Hollywood Bowl show, which I have notes for.

    “I’m thinking the best solution is a separate volume for the movie, don’t you think? With specific details? Good idea… perhaps I should write Mr. Keillor…”

    Over The Hedge was stupid. I hate Over The Hedge! I want to see Cars but I hate Over The Hedge! Why can’t I see Cars? I hate Over The Hedge!”

    “OK, so it’s gross and I’m crazy. But I would lick the sweat and bugs off Guy Pierce anytime…”

    “So there’s this new Texas Chainsaw Massacre, OK? And they’ve got this website, with the sound of creaking signs and stuff, OK? So I go to check out the trailer, and I can’t–’cause you can’t see it until after ten p.m., OK? Damn, man, this sumbitch is gonna have some gore, right in the preview. I’m waitin’, waitin’, can’t wait, and ten comes, and the God-damn thing’s nothing more than a normal short–nothing scary, just the usual. The movie might be good, but shit, wait ’til ten, there’s got to be some real cuttin’ up, heads and stuff, OK? Well, there’s not. Nothing. God-damn.”

    “Wow. I wouldn’t want to be that Brandon guy from the new Superman. Look at Christopher Reeves–and the guy from the TV show offed himself. Cursed, that’s all there is to it. At the least, the guy’s going to lose his shirt in the stock market…”

    “God, summer movies suck my brains out my eyes…”

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  • Those are people who died

    So, I’ve decided to divulge a few “secrets” about the Body Worlds exhibit, for the benefit of those who haven’t seen it. I saw the exhibit on Saturday evening, and it was still unsettling my supper come Sunday afternoon.

    OK, it wasn’t that gross. But there were a few seconds when I became dizzingly aware of what was surrounding me–dead people. I had to sit down. But most of the time, I was able to block the notion that these had once been living, breathing folks, probably because they had been pulled apart and posed in such ridiculous fashions–“the gymnast,” “the runner,” “the basketball player” and so on, with brains and spinal cords spilling out their backsides. But then I came upon “Lady of Muscles and Nerves,” or something like that, and I could very much see the structure of her face. (NOTE: the female plastinates have considerably more poetic names–the most ridiculous being “Phoenix with two birds,” and yes, this kneeling plastinate is indeed freeing two plastinated birds from her clutch.) Then there was the guy whose tattoos you can see–a sailor, I surmised, based upon the tattooed ships and big-breasted lady, now cut to pieces, like bread.

    There’s also the much-touted “fetus” room–separate because we’re apparently so much more sensitive about plastinating itty-bitty humans than we are the big ones. Once inside, however, I understood why the museum had portioned this room apart, for the benefit of the weak and weary (like me): An eight-month pregnant woman who had died suddenly is plastinated along with her baby, the stomach sliced apart to reveal the tot.

    I thought the “audio tour,” in which Gunther von Hagen grapples with whether or not plastinates are science or art (Uh, it’s science, d’Uh), was a complete waste of dough–a waste of time even more so.

    But I’m glad I toughed out the exhibit.

  • I Kid You Not

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    I used to think that if I could just get my hands on a sweet potato all my luck would change. If I could just get me some bacon, some butter and eggs, or one of them lollypops.

    Life’s not so simple, I guess.

    Boy, did I ever find that out.

    I was nobody’s rooster, nobody’s wolf, king bee, or tomcat. I was a hog for nobody’s love, a smooth lothario only in my dreams.

    Come to think of it, I didn’t even have any dreams.

    And backdoor man? My god, I couldn’t even get my foot in the front door.

    Crawling kingsnake? Pas moi.

    What was I then? What did I have, if sweet potato I had none? I was a poor man with stones in my shoes, stones in my pathway, blues falling down like hail. I was moaning in the moonlight. I was howling all night long. Bedbugs threw me out of my own bed.

    Did I mention the stones in my shoes? Did I mention it was raining in my heart? That I believed it was raining all over the world?

    I was only impersonating whatever it was I was impersonating in the hopes of getting my hands on a sweet potato.

    I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that I had a hellhound on my trail, but it was certainly possible. It sure did feel like that sometimes, anyway.

    By golly, sometimes it sure as Sam Hell did feel just like that.

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  • Food Fests

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    Gather, ye friends! And look upon the pronto pups of our youth. Oh yea, it is the time of the fest.

    June 15 Viola Gopher Count
    Viola, MN. Besides the “famous grilled cheese hamburger” I’m betting there’s a lot of beer at this one.

    June 17 SPAM Museum Jam 2006
    Austin, MN. How can you beat SPAMburgers, the Smothers Brothers and the Hormel Jingle Singers all in one day? You just can’t.

    June 22-24 Judy Garland Festival
    Grand Rapids, MN. On Saturady morning, JG fans from all over the world will convene for breakfast with three of the original Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. I wonder if there will be donuts?

    June 23-25 Sauerkraut Days
    Henderson, MN. Coming from a proud German heritage myself, I choose to reclaim the name Kraut, to own it as a symbol of spicy pride. To honor this personal act, I pledge to get my keester to Henderson where all the FREE sauerkraut will inevitably lead to an embarssing rendition of “I Will Survive” during the Wild Karaoke session. See ya there.

    July 8-9 Dragon Festival
    Phalen Park, St. Paul. If you’ve celebrated one Svenskarsdag you’ve celebrated them all. Come and check out a festival geared toward the “new heritage” of our cities. Dragon boats! Taiko drumming! Kite making! and all the yummy Asian goodies they imply.

    July 13 Hot Dog Night
    Luverne, MN. Get your dog on, for free. Starting at 6pm, over 11,000 free hot dogs will be gilled by the merchants of Luverne. Then watch the oddly hypnotic Wiener Dog races starting at 7pm.

    July 22 Aebelskiver Days
    Tyler, MN. I am a firm believer that all forms of pancakes deserve a day of their own. For the Danes, it’s all about the aebelskive, a tennis ball shaped pancake celebrated all over the Northland. Don’t forget to grab your official Ove the Nissamaend bobblehead doll!

    August 4th Braham Pie Day
    Braham, MN. The one day a year that the city of Braham doesn’t think about high school basketball is the day they celebrate the title of Homemade Pie Capital of Minnesota. I just wonder, with over 500 different kinds of homemade pies hanging around all day, does anyone make it to Mama Jennisch’s Spaghetti Supper?

    August 25-26 Barnesville Potato Days
    Barnesville, MN. If for one day you fall of your carb-hating wagon, make sure it’s one of the Barnesville Potato Days. Imagine the freedom of giving yourself total permission to enjoy potato pancakes, potato sausage, dumplings, rommegot, and potato chip cookies. Oh, and Friday is the free french fry feed. Ready, set, run!

    People, this is a mere sampling of events happening all over our state. Explore Minnesota is a veritable Smorgasbrod of tasty events.

  • weekend rundown

    What I’m really doing this weekend: Doe at the Playwrights’ Center tonight, a new play by Trista Baldwin, who’s also a member of this Workhaus Collective of local playwrights. Will report back on results.

    And I am supposedly, finally, making it to Body Worlds–which I’m not entirely jazzed about after one of my girlfriends said she was “unprepared for all the penises” at the exhibition. This worries me. I’ve been known to pass out at the sight of gore, goo, and–yes–even penises; and I pass out easily. I just hope it’s not a total gross out. Will report back on these results, too.

    Hopefully, buying a new, full-sized bed–not anything kinky. My current one, bought dirt-cheap at Slumberland during my penniless first year out of college, when my kid-brother worked there as a delivery-truck driver and helped hook me up a discount, has started to sag in the middle, rather suddenly. And rather drastically too, trench-warfare style.

  • The Auteur Cometh

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    My digital camera is gone; above, stock photo subtly suggesting that the Virginia Madsen character is an angel. Get it? There’s more in case you don’t…

    A Prairie Home Companion, 2006. Directed by Robert Altman, written by Garrison Keillor. Starring Garrison Keillor, Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Virginia Madsen, Kevin Kline, Lindsay Lohan, John C. Reilly, Woody Harrelson, Maya Rudolph, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Tommy Lee Jones, and, once again swept under the rug, L. Q. Jones.

    After all this time, the “Prairie Home Companion” movie is coming to a theater near you. After months of peeking at celebs in their favorite pizza joints, reading about their exploits around St. Paul, and feeling that warm flush of pride when every last one of them proclaims that Minnesota is just the gosh-darned greatest place on the planet, we finally get to see the movie they came and left in a hurry for. And it is the best thing Robert Altman’s done in since Gosford Park. The problem, as I see it, is that Gosford Park was a great movie sandwiched in between piles and piles of garbage, like Dr. T and the Women. While A Prairie Home Companion is not garbage, it’s far from great. In fact, it’s often infuriating.

    A caveat: I’ll grant that my response to the film might reflect my often cynical view of the people of this fine state more than the movie itself. Frankly, I don’t get “A Prairie Home Companion”. I think the monologues are fine, if not eternally redundant, about people I could care less about, and it’s humorless, while trying to be funny. The music is good; the skits are hilarious if you’ve heard them once. Twice, three times, four, they sound the same.

    As for the movie, the story’s a mess: The great radio program is being cancelled, which affects its performers in different ways–like crying, to reflect that they’re sad. Apparently, a Texas Christian concern has purchased WLT–the parent company is a commercial station in this fantasyland–and is going to shut it down because it’s out of style, according to The Axeman, played with utter boredom by Tommy Lee Jones. This particular show features Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin as the Johnson Sisters, the last remaining pair of a family singing act, and the cowboy act Lefty and Dusty, who are John C. Reilly and Woody Harrelson goofing around. Of course, Garrison Keillor leads the cast, along with Kevin Kline as Guy Noir, tripping over everything, telling lame jokes, and drooling over the Dangerous Woman. Madsen is the Dangerous Woman, an angel there to ease someone into death, and giving the cast the heebie-jeebies. The show goes on, we learn that Streep and Keillor once had an affair, and that Lindsay Lohan, as the daughter of Streep, is going to sing at the end but forgets the sheet of paper with her lines. At closing, everyone sings and it’s just beautiful.

    Nothing much else happens, which is par for the course with Altman. To criticize this would be akin to grumbling about gazpacho because it’s cold. This is a movie that is ostensibly capturing the beauty of this beloved radio program. We get Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin as performers, and the two actresses just shine. The film is worth admission alone for Tomlin–I absolutely loathe the fact that this beautiful woman is not cast in more films, so I’ll enjoy her where I can. Keillor is fine playing himself–I don’t think there’s any doubt that he’ll be nominated for an Oscar for Screenplay or Best Supporting Actor, as that’s just the thing the Academy loves to do. Once again, Altman elicits some wonderful performances from his cast, yet once again he indulges some of the worst: Kevin Kline has not, in my memory, been as unfunny as he is in this film. He seemed at times to be mimicking Steve Martin doing Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther (it doesn’t help that Guy Noir is a seriously unfunny character).

    In spite of the songs and the show, A Prairie Home Companion is an Altman film–you can, for the most part, leave Keillor behind. In fact, I know of no director who so embodies the auteur theory, so much so that he seems to delight in wrecking screenplays or diminishing the role of a screenwriter to a cipher–Keillor seems to have written this thing in his spare time, which is part of what must have attracted Altman. A Prairie Home Companion reminds me very much his films The Company and Nashville–the weak plot and interest in the art of the first, the backhanded, hateful approach of the latter. Altman dislikes people and his camera style also suggests that he doesn’t think the audience can get subtle clues. He doesn’t like tight scripts that get a point across, or reveal too much about a character.

    Altman’s films are rarely ‘about’ anything, anything coherent that is. Gosford Park was a brilliant skewering of class attitudes–but as much as I enjoyed it, this type of thing was much more pointed sixty years earlier, and many of its fabulous shots are straight out of Renoir’s Rules of the Game. It’s actors weren’t the usual Altman crew–Gosford’s entire cast seemed unwilling to go casual, as is usually the case, diving deep into their character’s souls to bring an emotional clarity that hasn’t been seen in Altman’s work before or after. In A Prairie Home Companion, there is no emotion: the show is coming to an end and you wouldn’t know it affects except that everyone keeps repeating how sad they are and cry at times. Clearly, the end of PHC is meant to jab fans in the ribs, and the utter lack of meaning makes it seem cruel, like a college philosopher at a funeral, wondering about the meaning of life while the rest of us mourn.

    Despite having written for The Rake about Altman’s work, I have to admit that his movies elude me–and yet, it’s not so much that their meaning eludes me, but it’s a feeling akin to coming late to a party you weren’t invited to in the first place, all inside jokes and conversations about people you don’t know. A Prairie Home Companion is no different–a galaxy of stars has condescended to make a cute little movie about our favorite radio show, stars who beam and laugh and have a great time, but don’t bother telling any of us a story that has any meaning in our lives. Is it enough to just watch actors having a good time? Much has been written about the sheer beauty of the performances in this film, and yet a great performance, in my mind, takes you into the character, makes the story come alive. It makes us become one with the actors onscreen. Altman’s films keep them separate.

    Which leads me to wonder what fans of the show will want from this movie. The problem arises that in Altman’s world we are given a backstage pass to what life is like on a radio show–and yet a documentary would have given us real characters, and exposed the thing, warts and all, from Keillor to the producers to the sound guys and perhaps even the janitors. So what is the point of A Prairie Home Companion, the movie? We get a plot so hackneyed and unfocused it brings no insight to the show, or even to life itself. Like many of Altman’s films, A Prairie Home Companion seems to be… well, it seems to be about making a Robert Altman film.

    Altman has said that this movie is about death–“Everybody dies in the end!” he barked at a recent press conference–and in a City Pages interview he added, “You can sit on the street corner and watch people die just walking past you… Some guy’s coming down the street with a cane and a shopping bag and you know this cocksucker’s not going to be alive in two years. Then you see little babies being pushed in their carts who have no idea what the quality of their lives is going to be. It’s very…I don’t even know what I’m talking about. But that’s the kind of thing that impresses me right now.” Unfortunately, since Altman doesn’t give a flying handshake for his story, his characters, or his metaphors, it’s hard to believe he cares about people in his movies–it’s no mistake that he refers to a dying man as a cocksucker. For Altman cares about his actors–that’s all. But when you care only for your actors, and don’t care for the characters they play, or the story they’re in, well, then you don’t care for your audience. People care about “A Prairie Home Companion”, and for a movie that is about this beloved show’s end, it is nothing more than an excuse for these actors to party. And it’s enough, in Altman’s mind, to let us watch his party from a distance.

  • Guerilla Movies, Noir Books, and my brief plug for the World Cup

    Tonight, in an alley behind the Matchbox Coffee Shop (1306 2nd Avenue NE–just off Broadway) a great guy named Barry is going to show some keen flicks. In his words: “We shoot video onto the painted brick, fairly large. We have a portable speaker, but I’m hoping to get FM transmission up and running as well (drive-in style). There’s no parking behind the Matchbox, but plenty in the neighborhood. Chairs/blankets are recommended.” Even better: you get to vote on the movie! Your choices:

    Clerks
    Slapshot
    Watermelon Man

    Don’t hate me: I haven’t seen any of those movies, though I wish I’d checked out the latter two (Kevin Smith… no thanks).

    And: Tonight at Once Upon A Crime, a reading of the new book Twin Cities Noir. The Rake’s own femme fatale has a write-up, which includes a nice slam on awful theater.

    And now for something completely different: I’m jumping on the World Cup bandwagon, in part because of Matt Weiland and Sean Wilsey’s The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup. With essays by Nick Hornby, Robert Coover, and especially Alexander Osang’s melancholy tribute to the East German teams of old, this is wonderful book that really drives home the beauty, joy, and significance of an event that typically elicits yawns from us Americanos.

  • not a gorgeous blonde

    The Twin Cities Noir launch party is tonight. Once there, I plan to ogle over all the self-actualized crime writers, including my cubicle-neighbor Brad Zellar. Also in the TC Noir ranks: City Pages theater critic Quinton Skinner, although I haven’t been sure what to make of that guy ever since he liked Caryl Churchill’s “A Number”–which was probably the biggest disappointment of the past theater season, as far as I’m concerned. It wasn’t that the Illusion’s production lacked luster; it was that the script sucked! Churchill, who I’ve long regarded as one of my favorite living playwrights (and I was therefore quite excited to see this new play), seemed to have judged one of the main characters, a dad who had put his dead son’s DNA out to pasture, before she ever got started with him. Why go on a moral journey (about cloning) with a guy whose guts you black-and-white abhore, even from the get-go? When it was all said and done with this play, which was thankfully very short, my best friend Andrea, mocking one of the worst lines, turned to me and said: “Well, I figure I’ve got to share at least fifteen percent of my genetic makeup with vodka. So let’s go have a drink!”

    In any case, other well-knowns expected at tonight’s Twin Cities Noir reading: David Housewright, Judith Guest, Mary Logue, Bruce Rubenstein, William Kent Krueger, Pete Hautman, and even more. This is a pretty exciting book they’ve put out. I would link to a website where you can buy the thing if I didn’t so want ya’all to patronize the indies at Once Upon A Crime, who’re so kind as to be hosting tonight’s affair.

  • Fruit Haiku

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    Rolling in my mouth,
    the cherry stones remind me
    of the girl I was.