Because, Finally, It Was Real Dark Out There And Astronomy Makes Me Nervous

Because you ask things like what the hell? and why?

Because I guess you want to know.

Because I joined up with the Amish after my dad decided it would make a man of me and it was either that or go to work at my grandfather’s automobile dealership and I knew damn well that I couldn’t sell cars if my soul depended on it, and I didn’t want to believe that it did.

Because I got kicked out of the Amish after just eight months, ostensibly for dropping one too many F-bombs and being royally pissed about the no television rule.

Because I have to admit that my beard was pretty shitty and they were some serious customers and I was in way over my head right from the start and didn’t have the slightest idea they were going to make me read the Bible all the time and work like a mule –the whack costumes, yes, I knew about those, but you don’t know how ridiculous and uncomfortable that shit is until you actually have to wear it– and let’s just say I wasn’t the happiest camper and so wasn’t inclined to be terribly cooperative.

Because when they realized how essentially worthless I was when it came to stumbling around behind horses in fields and trying to build stuff without any power tools, etc. they made me go out to sell quilts and honey by the side of the road with the women, all of whom, I’m pretty sure, were forbidden to speak to me.

Because they didn’t speak to me at any rate.

Because at that point, snubbed by a bunch of girls in widow-granny dresses and bonnets, I said, Fuck this noise, apparently a bit too forcefully, or apparently once too often.

Because getting kicked out of the Amish was the best thing that ever happened to me, although I still hold out hope that something even better than that will eventually happen to me.

Because I’m starting to read philosophy.

And because, really, what choice do I have?

That’s why.