Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before…

I feel like I need to explain myself.

The aliens drilled a hole in my soft palate and inserted an energy depleter that uses my saliva to deliver a continuous feed of a stupefying agent into my bloodstream.

Do you feel this rough spot behind my left ear? That’s an even more sophisticated negative energy implant that inhibits the secretion of adrenaline and dopamine and sets up neural roadblocks that impede the assembly of rational thoughts and makes concentration of any kind virtually impossible.

Few of you, God willing, will ever know what it’s like to be taken from your place on the floor and transported to a planet millions of miles away, where the greatest minds of an alien race subject you to exhaustive experiments on the circuitry of the human mind. There’s no doubt that such an experience changes a man, and makes him a veritable stranger among his fellows.

I should also say that I can find little in my own experience that corresponds to anything I’ve yet heard in my alien abduction support group, and I’ve grown tired of the endless game of anecdotal one-upsmanship that I encounter there. It’s no longer enough to simply claim that one has been abducted by aliens, and these days everybody and his grandmother purports to have had a chip implanted in their buttocks or brain by aliens; those sorts of stories won’t even raise eyebrows anymore, so these folks –most of whom I have come to realize are discrediting the stories of legitimate Alien Abduction (AA) survivors like myself– have to concoct ever more fantastic claims to get the attention they so clearly crave.

As a result I’ll admit that I’ve grown increasingly self-conscious about my own experience, and find myself reluctant to relate the tale to even my closest friends and family members. I worry, though, and wonder how much longer the fact that I am slowly turning green will go unnoticed and unremarked upon by the people around me.


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