Author: Brad Zellar

  • Friday Night Against the Nats: The Return Of Joe Mauer (Yawn)

    That was Jason Simontacchi, folks, right-handed, thirty-three year old definition of a journeyman. This is a guy who bounced in and out of the minor league systems of the Pirates, Royals, and Twins before finally getting a shot with the Cardinals from 2002-2004; a guy who blew out his shoulder and disappeared entirely from the Major Leagues before landing in Washington this year; a guy who entered Friday’s game with a 5.61 ERA, playing for a team that was 24-36.

    A textbook Twin killer, in other words.

    And, yes, dammit all to hell, that was Cristian Guzman batting lead-off for the Nats, Cristian Guzman who hit .219 last year and is being paid over four million dollars this season by Washington; Cristian Guzman who, after going 4-5 with three runs scored and an RBI Friday night, is now hitting .339.

    That was Jason Simontacchi. That was Cristian Guzman. Those were the fucking Washington Nationals.

    And that was Carlos Silva, and that was Joe Mauer batting second, and those were the erratic, underachieving Minnesota Twins.

    It wasn’t pretty.

    It wasn’t pretty at all.

  • The Late Show: Not Worth Staying Up For

    I’ve always loved west coast road trips and those late-night games that give a guy the chance to get home from work, maybe go to the gym for a couple hours, grab a bite to eat, and then sit down in front of the television to watch baseball as the clock drifts toward midnight.

    They fit my life and my schedule perfectly. Hell, I’d be happy as a clam if the Twins could find a way to play part of their schedule someplace that would allow me to watch the games in the middle of the night. I once saw a game between two Swedish teams –or maybe it was the Swedish National team against the Norwegians– that took place above the Arctic Circle at midnight, played entirely without the aid of artificial light. Afterwards I went out and ate pizza with a bunch of Swedish baseball players. Early that morning, as I staggered back to the apartment where I was staying, I thought, ‘This is the life.’

    It really was the life, now that I think about it. Midnight baseball on a soccer field carved out of the tundra. A game in which every player who came to the plate batted left.

    That doesn’t, of course, have a damn thing to do with the nonsense I witnessed tonight, or over the last five days. I’m not so sure, though, that I like those late west coast games anymore.

    And I don’t much like the Twins at the moment, either. I might well like them again tomorrow, or sometime next week, but right now they’re on my shit list.

    Sorry, boys, but nine runs in five games ain’t gonna cut it. Playing from behind night after night and day after day ain’t gonna cut it either. Streaky, inconsistent, bullshit baseball just ain’t gonna cut it with me right now. I’ve got too many books I want to read and too many records I could be listening to while I shimmy around my apartment. And there’s that miniature log cabin I’m trying to build out of Slim Jims that has been sitting half finished on my dining room table for almost six weeks now.

    What I’m saying, I guess, is this: I can’t deny that I have a lot of time on my hands and a non-existent social life, but, dammit, I can find other ways to waste that time. Plenty of other ways. I’m not a fair-weather fan, and I’ve too often proved that I’m capable of following a truly shitty team from wire-to-wire. This hot-and-cold stuff, though, this game of tease and torture, this I will not abide.

    I’m just telling you, you bastards.

    Consider yourself warned.

    Brad Zellar is getting very weary.

    Very, very weary.

  • No Hobgoblins, No Little Minds, No Consistency: Not This Team

    Riddle me this: Did that team that lost on Saturday and Sunday in Oakland look like a club that is 7-3 over its last ten games (counting the two weekend losses)?

    Hardly. It’s weird how quickly momentum can dissipate over the course of a major league season. Just as the piranhas are heating up (at the top and bottom of the order Castillo, Punto, Kubel, Bartlett, and Tyner were on base twelve times on Sunday), the guys is the middle of the order pull a vanishing act. You’re gonna see this stat everywhere, but it’s a dead horse worth kicking: Cuddyer, Morneau, and Hunter were a combined 1-12 on Sunday, and 4-43 in the Oakland series.

    What, really, makes the little engine run? It apparently ain’t the piranhas; the Twins scored a grand total of five runs in three games. Getting on base is a fine thing, but it doesn’t mean anything if the big boppers aren’t doing their jobs and smacking the ball around the yard –and out of the park. With four runs the magic number anymore, Earl Weaver’s old standby, the three-run homer, is more important than ever. The Twins are going to go as far as their pitching and heart of the order can take them; small ball really isn’t going to win enough games in the AL Central.

    The disappearing act in Oakland was especially painful given the rock ’em-sock ’em series between Detroit and Cleveland. With the crazy unbalanced schedule it’s more possible than ever for a team to shave away at a division deficit, and in scuffling on Saturday and Sunday the Twins blew a chance to truly climb back into the fray with the Tigers and Indians.

    Finally, I find this modestly alarming: with just two months of the season under his belt, Johan Santana is one loss away from equaling the total losses from all but one of his ML seasons to date. He’s at 6-5 now, and lost just six in each of his Cy Young years. His career high for losses was seven, in 2005 (when he was 16-7).

    How about Kevin Slowey, though? That was fun to watch, and he looks like a guy (knock wood) who’s going to be consistently fun to watch for a long time.

  • Like This

    prisoner.jpg

    I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what to say. I have absolutely no idea. I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m speechless.

    Seriously, words fail me.

    The cat’s got my tongue. I’m tongue-tied. There is nothing on the tip of my tongue. I can’t explain. I have no comment. I’m at a complete loss for words. There is apparently no ax to break up the frozen sea within me, assuming there even is a frozen sea within me, and I honestly have no reason to believe this to be the case.

    It’s like this, do you understand? Do you understand what ‘like this’ means? Can you even imagine what ‘this’ means in the present context?

    I can’t. I guess I can tell you that much.

    So, listen to me: I’ve got nothing for you. The English language has become a puzzle to me. I can’t seem to find the right word, never mind the right words.

    I do know that when I say ‘like this,’ or even just ‘this,’ I’m referring to a crisis. I don’t, unfortunately, (as I’m trying to explain) have any words to explain this crisis.

    It strikes me as some kind of miracle that I have been able to dredge up from someplace a word like ‘crisis,’ or a word like ‘miracle’ or, holy shit, ‘dredge.’

    At this point such words represent major discoveries. Seeing them mysteriously appear on the page beneath my pen is like watching an entirely new continent surface in the middle of the ocean.

    As such, I must say (and I must say, I must say, I must, helplessly, say), they leave me dazzled. Wholly dazzled, and delighted, which is more, so much more, than I have any right to expect given my present frame of mind.

  • Nice. Nice. Very Nice.

    Wasn’t that swell?

    Isn’t it always a fine thing to see the local nine kick the living snot out of those shitheels from Chicago?

    And wasn’t it comforting to see Ramon Ortiz get his feet wet coming out of the bullpen, in a situation where there was absolutely no pressure? He did a nice job, too: three outs on seven pitches.

    Sixteen hits and seven walks: Swell. Ten hits from the top four guys in the batting order, and six hits from the bottom three. That was also swell.

    We’ve seen all manner of swellness over the last several games, and for perhaps the first sustained stretch all year the Twins have looked every bit like the team we all hoped they’d be coming out of spring training.

    Meanwhile, Britt Robson, David Brauer, and I kick around some thoughts on the first couple months of the season over at Britt’s blog, On the Ball. Go over there now and chime in on the conversation.

    We spent a fair amount of time talking about how difficult it’s going to be for the Twins to find the money to sign Hunter, Santana, and Morneau (the consensus being that Hunter is rapidly pricing himself out of Minnesota’s budget), but none of us mentioned Michael Cuddyer. This is a guy who’s also going to end up costing the Twins a shitload of money.

  • Ian McEwan

    Ian McEwan is at a stage in his writing life where he could be coasting on his laurels or organizing his papers for the inevitable memoir(s). McEwan, though, is not that kind of writer—at least not yet. More than a dozen books into his career, he seems to be getting only better and more ambitious. His recent string of novels—most notably Atonement and Saturday—have displayed increasing thematic and structural complexity, as well as a warmth and compassion that was often missing from his early fiction. His latest novel is a slim piece of work, but manages to pack an epic’s worth of telling details into its examination of an often calamitous marriage.

  • Woody Allen

    It’s been twenty-five years since a new collection of Woody Allen’s short humor appeared in print. You’re welcome to argue this point until you’re blue in the face, but he hasn’t made a truly great—or at least consistently funny—film in almost as long. It’s easy, then, to forget how truly fresh and funny Allen once was. The material in his early collections (and in his best films) was marked by his trademark neuroses as well as by an ability to blend high and low culture with often inspired and hilarious results. Allen’s work occasionally pops up in The New Yorker (where many of the pieces in Mere Anarchy originally appeared), and while there’s a palpable strain in some of the more uneven selections, the man is still capable of being very funny, very smart, and hyper-literate, often within the same paragraph.

  • Ron Carlson

    Hugely respected by his peers and routinely showered with accolades in the form of rave reviews and literary prizes, Ron Carlson remains a largely unknown writer to the sort of folks who pluck their reading choices out of the new arrivals pig pile at the local [sic] book behemoth. There’s no particular reason to expect this to change any time soon, but that’s a dirty, rotten shame. Carlson is good—very good—a truly first-rate craftsman and storyteller, and a master of the short story form. Five Skies is Carlson’s first novel in more than two decades, and Publishers Weekly has called it “a tour de force of grief, atonement, and the cost of loyalty.” 3225 W. 69th St., Edina; 952-920-0633; www.barnesandnoble.com

  • “This is it, baby”

    The character of a city is largely shaped by the extent to which it can nurture grand and modest dreams in equal proportion. Everybody, of course, has their own notion regarding what constitutes a grand or modest dream. But to be truly interesting places, a city’s neighborhoods need small businesses that manage to conflate both sorts into singular brick-and-mortar entities that, over time, become important landmarks. A truly useful map of any great city would reveal a galaxy of such essential places—places like Tom’s Popcorn Shop in South Minneapolis.

    Located since 1971 on Cedar Avenue just north of Minnehaha Parkway, Tom’s is the kind of quiet institution that has somehow survived the myriad changes and challenges that have claimed so many small businesses in recent decades. The continued existence of the place feels frankly improbable, and represents something of a litmus test: When you visit Tom’s Popcorn do you see a grand dream or a modest dream?

    Brian Goetz, who has been behind the counter at the shop for almost three decades, is the sort of entertaining curmudgeon who instinctively hesitates to call his family business any kind of dream (unless he’s being sarcastic, which he pretty much always is), even as it’s clear that he loves his job and somehow belongs exactly where he is.

    Goetz is a burly, deadpan character who always seems to be doing two or three things at once. His dad—that would be Tom—bought the shop from the original owner in 1979. “I’m not quite sure what he was thinking,” Goetz said. “He’s never had a good answer for why he bought the place, but I went to work for him right away—not very happily, I can tell you that.”

    Goetz is running the place today because … well, because a number of other things didn’t work out. “I worked at Shakey’s Pizza doing food prep for a time,” he said. “And then I went to Normandale to become a copper. I actually got my license and worked up in Dakota County for a while, but I didn’t much like it. What a crappy job. Too much paperwork, and I was making peanuts. My dad was an electrician, but he had to punch a time clock, and I knew that wasn’t gonna work for me either. I guess you could say I’m kind of anti-bureaucracy. So here I am, for the rest of eternity. I have no backup plan—this is it, baby.”

    Tom’s Popcorn is a tiny storefront jammed into a seriously truncated, early strip mall tucked into the middle of a neighborhood. It shares the real estate with a defunct Chinese restaurant and a convenience store. The shop is pretty much a one-man operation; Goetz drives in from his house near Hastings six days a week. He works alone, which is how he prefers it. “Having someone else here annoys the hell out of me,” he said. “I like people on that side of the counter.”

    While fresh, buttered popcorn remains the staple of his business, Goetz also peddles ice cream, and upwards of fifty different versions of flavored or “enhanced” corn. He’s always experimenting. On any given day you might find grape, lime, peanut butter, chocolate, caramel, or hot and spicy varieties alongside such mainstays as caramel corn, cheese corn, and Goetz’s signature TC mix: a caramel/cheese combination.

    There are also, somewhat curiously, chainsaw sculptures for sale (the proprietor’s sideline), as well as, occasionally, bundles of firewood.

    Over the course of several visits, Tom’s Popcorn was bustling with business. Everyone who came in the door received a robust greeting, a greeting that was inevitably followed by some sort of hard time—good natured, it seemed, although with Goetz it’s not always easy to tell.

    An older fellow requested a large bag of buttered popcorn with extra salt, and as Goetz prepared the order he shot the man a stern look and said, “Got a death wish, do you?” Two teenage boys ordering malts got grief for dawdling, but seemed to take Goetz’s ribbing in stride.

    “I’ll pick on the customers,” he said a few moments later. “Sometimes I might really be hacked off, but I’ve learned that you can get away with almost anything just as long as you say it with a smile on your face.”

    There’s not much of a safety net for a small operator like Goetz; he has no health insurance, but despite a recent broken ankle he doesn’t seem much concerned. “I always tell the wife that if things get too bad she should just roll me in a ditch somewhere and be done with it.”

    Though the winter months are a challenge, Goetz continues to make the drive to Minneapolis from his home. “January, February, and March are terrible,” he said. “It’s just bleak. Really, really bleak.” When asked whether he ever considers closing up shop for a few weeks or months, Goetz answered with almost alarming rapidity. “No,” he said. “Wouldn’t want to do that. The wife’s at home. I come here to hide out.”

    As one visitor prepared to leave, another customer entered the shop. “How’s it going, Brian?” the man asked.

    “Living the dream, as always,” Goetz said, clearly in jest. It was obvious, though, that this was one of those jokes that, however unconsciously, harbored a good deal of truth.

  • Jolly Good

    Just a quick note on what felt like a very necessary win accomplished in absolutely necessary fashion, or something like that.

    After Friday night’s 13-inning affair –a game that featured another shitty performance from Ramon Ortiz and valiant comebacks that ultimately came up short– the Twins desperately needed to give their beleaguered bullpen (Pat Neshek and Matt Guerrier, in particular) a breather. To accomplish that they were going to have to get a solid start from Carlos Silva. Solid-plus, something better than merely good or decent. Seven innings, minimum.

    Given the Jackal’s recent track record, that seemed like a long shot, but Silva more than delivered, going seven-and-a-third innings and surrendering only two runs. And the offense did just enough against A.J. Burnett (three hits, four runs, three of them earned) to eke out a 4-2 victory, take their third straight series, and give themselves another shot (and their middle relievers another day of rest) tomorrow afternoon with Johan Santana taking the mound against the White Sox.

    With the Central proving to be almost exactly as tough as everybody was predicting back in April, the Twins are facing a seriously uphill battle in closing the gap. The last week, however, has demonstrated that this is another pretty resilient team. With the bullpen plagued by injury and, increasingly, overwork, and with Slowey and Garza waiting in Rochester, doesn’t it make perfect sense to call up at least one of those guys and move Ortiz into the bullpen to eat up middle innings?

    Granted, it’s improbable that either Slowey or Garza will be this year’s Francisco Liriano, but –what the hell– it still makes perfect sense to me.

    Also, what do you do with the batting order when Joe Mauer finally comes back? Since Mauer’s been on the DL, Luis Castillo has been streaking in the leadoff spot, and Morneau has been a monster batting cleanup. At this point the sad truth is that Mauer would actually be a perfect guy to bat second, given his bat control, low strikeout totals, and often ridiculous willingness to lay down a bunt. I don’t think, though, that Gardenhire is going to pencil Mauer in the two-hole, or move Morneau into the third slot. Batting the two lefties back-to-back goes against basic baseball logic, but nonetheless seems perfectly logical to me. I’d want to get Morneau to the plate in the first inning as often as possible, and with Castillo and Mauer in front of him, and Cuddyer and Hunter behind him, that’s an awful lot of RBI possibilities, and little wiggle room to pitch around the MVP.