Author: Brad Zellar

  • From the Wayback Machine: My Brief History of Magic

    Elmer Gylleck was a Chicago architect who did a bumbling
    comedy-magic act built around a character he called Dr. Clutterhouse. Dr. Clutterhouse would come on stage clutching a briefcase and carrying
    an umbrella. The briefcase was possessed, full of odd spirits; ghosts
    would fly from it, and gunshots would ring out whenever Clutterhouse
    opened the thing. When the briefcase wasn’t bedeviling him, the Doctor
    would be having table problems (he invented a wonderful collapsing
    table prop) or any of a number of other slapstick scenarios that were
    reliable crowd pleasers. Gylleck had a nice, clean act, with solid
    magic chops and plenty of laughs. Very influential. I’ve seen I don’t
    know how many third-rate Clutterhouse knock-offs over the years.

    In the ’60s there was a shift, and the theatrically baroque Clutterhouse sort of thing pretty much disappeared. There were all of a sudden these balloon workers all over
    town. A guy named Jim Davis was working Old Town, making thousands of
    balloon animals a week and drawing crowds and making lots of money.
    This fella was actually pretty good. He’d make giraffes, elephants, all
    sorts of interesting stuff. He actually wrote a useful little book on
    the subject —One Balloon Zoo, I think it was called. And
    there was another guy, Jack Dennerlein, an ad-man who also did good
    balloon work –tremendous birds– and he did a book, New Twists For Balloon Workers.
    Don Allen was one more Chicago magician who cashed in on the whole
    balloon thing. He’d gotten his start, I seem to remember, as a
    bartender who did magic tricks for the customers, which is something I
    don’t believe you see much anymore. Which is really a shame, because
    little pocket and card tricks are things that can help a bartender pick
    up a few extra tips, not to mention the occasional private party or
    corporate gig on the side. Anyway, I think Don Allen did a book on
    balloon tricks as well, Don Allens Balloon Work…or, no, it was Don Allen‘s Rubber Circus. That’s right. That’s exactly what it was.

    For a long time I was kicking around the idea of doing a little book
    of my own, something more like a history of balloon work, maybe even a
    historical overview of balloons in general, but to be honest with you
    it just seemed like too much fucking work. Steve Martin, of course, had
    some wild early success with balloon work. Everybody knows Steve
    Martin, but guys like Jim Davis and Jack Dennerlein are pretty much
    forgotten.

    When I graduated from college I used to hang out at magic shops,
    great old places like Magic, Inc. in Chicago, or Eagle Magic in
    Minneapolis. I was never really much of a magician myself; I didn’t
    really have the discipline to get much beyond the hobbyist stage. But I
    always loved the whole culture of magic, and for a number of years I saw as
    many magicians as I could, and for a time I got steady, small-paying
    work writing patter lines for a number of magicians around the Midwest.
    I also did a short-lived newsletter that ran profiles of regional
    magicians, history pieces, a patter column, and a lot of
    advertisements for mail order gags and pocket tricks. We had quite an
    impressive roster of subscribers and the thing made money on a
    shoestring, but it just got to be too much work for me, and I’ll be the
    first guy to admit that work has never been my strong suit.

    When it comes to magic buffs I’m kind of an oddball in that I’m
    happy as a fucking clam if I have no idea how a guy did what he just
    did, if you see what I’m saying. I don’t want to know. I still like to
    be fooled. That’s the appeal of it for me. I want to be one of the
    slack-jawed yokels in the crowd, shaking my head in dumb amazement. I
    like the history more than the how-to; the history of magic is full of
    tremendous characters, genuine oddballs, and, frankly, a number of guys
    who were crazy as shithouse rats. I like a magician who has a spooky
    little something in his eyes; the very look of the guy should raise a
    few questions in the mind of the audience. If the guy’s already got you
    wondering before he’s even done a single trick, well, hey boy, he’s
    got you right where he wants you.

    Magic’s an amazing thing. The same basic repertoire of tricks has
    been baffling and entertaining people for generations, and precisely
    because the majority of the people in the audience feel exactly like I do –they
    don’t want to know how all those old tricks are done. Which is why
    you’ll still see these characters in tuxedos doing tricks with scarves
    and pigeons, and sawing women in half and pulling rabbits out of hats.
    If Joe Blow really wanted to he could figure out how every one of these
    tricks is accomplished with one visit to a library or a little poking around on the internet, but he doesn’t want
    to. And that’s a beautiful thing. That’s the real magic.

    The other thing I like to tell people is that magic is a whole lot
    more than just the usual elaborate smoke and mirrors productions you see
    so often these days. A great magician can still blow your mind with
    nothing but a quarter or a deck of cards. I remember Max Holden, a hand
    shadow artist who could hold an audience and mesmerize them every bit
    as effectively as these guys who move Winnebagos or make elephants
    disappear. I never did figure out how Holden did his famous "Monkey in
    the Bellfry" number. And for my money there’s still nothing better than
    a real professional close-up man like Milton Kort, a cups- and-balls
    fella who was also a virtuoso with coins and a deck of cards. A man like that
    could fool and entertain an audience in even the most casual and
    intimate of settings.

    Another terrific old
    balloon performer who I should mention just came to mind: Jim Sommers, who used to do a
    routine with balloon animals at the Pickle Barrel North in Chicago, and
    also, I seem to recall, did his own little book on balloon magic, Blow By Blow.

    I’ve also seen some dandy cigarette acts in my time. That sort of thing is, of course, taboo these days,
    what with attitudes about smoking being what they are. But I still
    remember a fat redhead –for some damn reason I can’t recall the
    fellow’s name to save my soul– who did a masterful bit he eventually
    marketed to the trade with the high-falutin’ title, "Ireland Simplex
    Cigarette Production." And then there was Ed Marlo’s brilliant "Cigars,
    Cigarettes, and Pipes" routine, which I saw a half dozen times in the
    early ’70s. That guy did things with a cigarette I still can’t believe
    are possible. As I was saying, I’ve always admired a man who can work
    without fancy props, stooges, or floozies.

    And despite what some of the Bible-bangers might think, magic
    doesn’t have to be at odds with the teachings of the Good Book. I have
    fond memories of a fellow by the name of Joseph White, a magician who
    called himself "God’s Magical Midget." This guy did an entire act built
    around Bible stories and religious lessons. A very effective little
    production all around, a dynamite show, and I’ll be the first to admit
    that I’m not exactly a holy man. A fellow who could learn to perform basic
    routines with a Biblical theme or religious patter was guaranteed
    steady work at chuch functions, socials, and Bible schools.

    I still remember when "Industrial Magic" was a new concept, and guys
    were learning that they could use magic presentations to sell product.
    In the mid-’60s it seemed like every trade show, convention, sales
    meeting, and grand opening featured a magic act. It was damn good
    business all around until the bottom pretty much fell out of the whole
    thing. These days they hire motivational speakers or they get
    half-dressed broads to stand around their booths to hand out
    promotional materials.

    I have a precise memory of the very moment magic first got me in its
    clutches. I was at a little carnival somewhere with my grandparents,
    and there was an aging illusionist who broke a slab of granite over the
    body of a purportedly catalepsed subject who was suspended from the backs of two
    chairs.

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Human Bridge!" the old magician shouted, and then he swung his sledge hammer.

    This was a long time ago, of course, and I think what I saw that night was magic. Like I say, though, that’s the beauty of the racket. All these years later I still don’t know, but I remember that moment like it was yesterday.

  • There Is No Bottom. There Is Simply —Or Not So Simply— the End

    There is another kind of sleep,

    We are talking in it now.

    As children we walked in it, a mile to school,

    And dreamed we dreamed we dreamed.

    James Galvin, from "Hematite Lake"

    Maris Gomes was very young when he went to sea for the first time, and not much older –still much too young– when the boat on which he was working was capsized in a storm and he swallowed seawater and rolled for hours slowly toward the ocean floor.

    He remembered next to nothing about the moments and hours after he was thrown into the cold ocean. He wasn’t even sure; he may have jumped; he may have had no choice. His last clear memory of the experience was of watching one of his shipmates, a boy not much older than himself named Scruggs Colvin, clinging to some piece of debris from the wreck and drifting out of view, his shouts quickly swallowed up by the darkness and driving rain.

    Maris had been surprised to discover that there were angels in the ocean, living in the ruins of an old shipwreck out of which they had constructed a sort of cathedral of light.

    When the angels first came for him –there were five of them, all young and more beautiful than any woman he had ever seen– Maris had assumed they were mermaids. After a moment, though, there was no mistaking what they were: they had wings, and their flowing hair was haloed with pulsing light. They also had bare feet, and when they kicked their feet the bubbles they created were infused with golden light as well.

    In the time that followed –and Maris had no idea how long it might have been– he was given to understand that the human soul would perish in salt water; it could not escape a drowned body, and the job of the underwater angels was to ferry these drowned souls to the surface for release.

    Among those living in the ruins of the shipwreck there was one very young and inexperienced angel named Doon, and this angel fell immediately in love with Maris, and he with her. This sort of thing was not only discouraged, of course, but was strictly forbidden. Doon was headstrong, however, and in every translucent fiber of her being she was convinced that she and Maris had lived together in a long-ago forest and were fated to spend eternity at the bottom of the sea.

    For his part, Maris regarded Doon as the loveliest creature he had ever seen.

    Doon implored the other angels to allow Maris to stay with her, yet they remained insistent that she release him and let them take his soul to the surface so it could begin its rightful journey. This Doon stubbornly refused to do –in her brief life on earth she had known no great love– and she somehow managed to spirit away a fully compliant Maris to another shipwreck, where together they hid from the other angels and did nothing but hold each other –their bodies tangled like the braid of a parade horse’s tail– and tell stories.

    Doon told Maris she was not so keen on Heaven. "There are no thunderstorms," she said. "No mice. No tears of joy or sorrow. Angels feel only the small, tsk-tsking pity of those who have found safe haven in God’s arms. Heaven sometimes seems smug to me, and I miss being dirty. It is not as beautiful, sad, and various as the world."

    The lovers, alas, were soon enough discovered, and for her disobedience Doon was recalled straightaway to Heaven.

    And it was only then, as he was wrenched from his beloved, that Maris Gomes finally and truly drowned.

    By this point, and much to the satisfaction of the other angels, his soul was deemed beyond retrieval.

  • Foolish Fire

    The small river town where I lived and worked for a time was in a pretty and neglected part of the state. When I first moved down there I used to tell friends that it was as if I’d relocated to a remote little corner of some obscure European country. There were rolling, wooded hills, streams and creeks, and spectacular limestone bluffs in every direction.

    The town was situated in a picturesque bowl, and the main road in and out took you up and over the bluffs that surrounded the place. A mile or so outside of town to the east there was one dirt road that would take you north and down into a long valley where many of the county’s Amish farmers lived tucked quietly away. That road was seldom traveled by anyone but the Amish in their black buggies, although rumor had it that teenagers had been going back in there at night for years, looking for privacy and darkness.

    There was certainly darkness back there. I remember shortly after I’d come to town, a co-worker had driven me out to the valley one night and we had turned off our lights and parked at the top of the road leading down. I was startled, actually, to see all that darkness stretching away to the north. There wasn’t a single light anywhere in the valley, and beyond it you could see the halo of over-light from a town maybe ten miles away over the next bluff.

    At the western edge of the valley there was a good-sized marsh, a shallow, boggy, backwater thing congested with weeds and cattails. Early one fall I heard the rumor in town that some teenagers had encountered in this marsh a handful of giant geese that glowed with some internal light. They had seen these luminous geese, I was told, moving slowly through the reeds in the darkness.

    This, of course, was the sort of rumor you’ll hear all the time in a small town, although the majority of them aren’t nearly so fanciful. The story persisted for a week or two, however, and though most of the older residents seemed to think it made a nice addition to local folklore and were content to leave it at that, I also know some folks made the trek back into the valley to investigate but turned up nothing.

    Then, a month or so later, a local character by the name of Lum Hoversten bagged a six-point albino buck just outside town. Lum made the newspapers and tv stations clear up to the Twin Cities, and some Rochester banker showed up and wrote Lum a $10,000 check for the albino deer, and all of a sudden Lum was something of a celebrity around town. Lum worked for his old man, Clayton, down at the John Deere dealership, and he loved to talk. If an albino deer was worth $10,000, he said, then one of those geese back in the Amish valley ought to make him a rich man. He said it with a smile on his face, but you never could tell with Lum.

    Around this same time I had gone over to a neighboring community to a livestock auction. Some of the farmers were talking about the business with Lum Hoversten and the albino deer, and the talk eventually worked its way around to the geese.

    "You gotta remember, fellas, that this is Lum Hoversten talking," somebody said. "Show me a reliable man who’s actually seen these geese. An albino deer is one thing, but geese that glow in the dark is quite another."

    There were several Amish farmers from our area on hand, and one of the guys from our little group collared one of them on his way out and asked him about the stories. The Amish fellow actually chuckled. "When it’s dark in the valley, it’s dark," he said.

    "So you haven’t seen these geese?" someone asked.

    "I haven’t seen them," he said, and then he smiled, shrugged, and went on his way.

    The next week I had lunch with an old gentleman who was regarded as the local scholar and historian. We were at the Copper Cup downtown, and were surrounded by farmers nodding their feed caps over the daily special.

    My lunch companion was 73-years-old and had lived in the area most of his life.

    "I certainly know the valley in question," he told me. "And I suppose I’ve been back there a few times. I do find these stories interesting on some level, but not terribly surprising. I suppose it’s typical of each generation to create its own little mythologies to give this place some semblance of romance or intrigue."

    I asked him in he was inclined to find the stories at all believable.

    "I can’t say I find them believable or unbelievable," he said. "But I haven’t seen the geese, I’ll say that, and I don’t suppose I’m likely to. And I haven’t heard from anyone who has seen them, although that may be due more to the fact that these people" –and here he indicated the locals with a sweep of his hand– "aren’t the sort to go mucking around in the dark looking for things they’ve already decided they don’t believe in. And the fact that these geese allegedly are back there in that particular valley contributes, I’m sure, to the reluctance of most older people to look much further into the story; for as long as I can remember people have respected the privacy of the Amish in the valley. I can certainly tell you that I’ve never felt like I have any business back there."

    He did admit that there were things about the story he found fascinating. "The first thing a rational man thinks of when he hears these stories is the ignus fatuus. Do you know it? The name means ‘foolish fire,’ and the phenomenon is also commonly known as the ‘Will-o-the-Whisp’ or, more obscurely, feu follet. At any rate, the ignus fatuus is phosphorescence, similar in appearance to a gas flame, that swirls around over marshy ground. It’s apparently caused by the spontaneous combustion of gases from decaying vegetable matter."

    "You think that’s it?" I said.

    He shrugged. "I don’t know that there is an it," he said. "But I’ve always been fascinated by the other stories that have been offered to explain the phenomenon through the years. According to Russian folklore, for instance, these ‘foolish fires’ were the spirits of stillborn children. Curiously enough, somewhere else in folklore there is another similar legend associated with geese. It was once believed –and perhaps somewhere it still is– that the noise of geese in flight issued from the souls of unbaptized children wandering the earth until Judgment Day."

    I asked him what he thought someone would find if they were to make a serious effort to prove the existence of these geese.

    "Oh, God, I have no idea," he said. "What does anyone ever find who goes tramping around in the darkness looking for fires or phantoms?"

    I shouldn’t have been there that night. I had come to town six years earlier, a kid just out of college and looking to pay his dues at a small town newspaper. Once there and settled in, though, I discovered that I liked the town, liked the people, liked the pace of life. The paper was a twice-a-week grab bag with a circulation of under a thousand. The job called for lots of coverage of community events, school board meetings, and high school sports. The pay was next to nothing, but so was the cost of living.

    It certainly wasn’t something I thought I’d stick with. But there I was, and one day Lum Hoversten pulled me aside downtown and mentioned all hush-hush that he was going down into the valley after the geese and thought I might like the story. The whole thing had pretty much died down in recent weeks, so I was somewhat taken aback.

    "What exactly do you think you’re going to do?" I asked him.

    "Catch a goose," Lum said, smiling.

    I laughed. "I’ll tell you what," I said. "When you’ve got one of those geese in your possession, you bring it by the office and I’ll do a great big story."

    "Listen," Lum said. "I don’t want this all over town, but I was down there last night and I saw them with my own eyes. Walked right out to the edge of the m
    arsh. Ask Beryl Wyant, he was with me. Five of ’em. Looked just like a bunch of floating lanterns."

    "Hell, Lum," I said.

    "It would be a big mistake if you didn’t come along," he said. "It’ll be just you and me and Beryl. This is the kind of story that’ll make us all famous."

    Lum Hoversten was a big man, top-heavy, presumably hypertensive, the sort of guy who sweated when he whistled. He had a lot of energy, and even standing still he suggested a big man in motion.

    "We’re going down tomorrow night, provided it doesn’t rain," he said. "We’ll swing by your place around ten o’clock."

    It was a clear night, with smoky, swirling strands of ground fog beginning to settle and move around in the valley. Lum had driven down between two fields to the edge of a small stand of trees. Just on the other side of the stand of trees was the marsh. It was no more than fifty yards down a slight rise to the edge of the water. Beryl and I were instructed to wait by the car so as not to spook the geese. From the muddy side road we’d been able to make out scattered luminous somethings trembling within the ground fog that had settled on the surface of the marsh.

    Lum, clad entirely in black and wearing only stockings on his feet, crept away through the trees. I got my camera out of the backseat and monkeyed with the lens while Beryl leaned against the hood and drank a beer. We had been waiting perhaps twenty minutes when we heard a commotion down by the water, and a moment later we saw Lum lurch into view. The goose in his arms was indeed glowing, and Lum was struggling to subdue it even as he ran. He was bowed under the burden, and was hunch-hurrying through the brush, stumbling and cursing and weaving all over the place like a man who was shit-faced drunk and trying desperately to keep his pants from falling down.

    It was dark, of course, and there was all sorts of brush underfoot. As he got closer we could hear Lum’s wheezing, and he was still wrestling with the struggling goose, which in his arms made no sound other than the damp, papery fwoop-fwoop of its furiously treading wings. Lum veered suddenly in our direction and we could see the goose heaving in his arms and paddling desperately with its legs. Beside me I was aware of Beryl chuckling nervously and saying things like "Jesus H. Christ!" and "Goddamn, boy, goddamn!" I somehow recovered from the initial shock and managed to raise the camera to my eye and snap some photos just as the light started peeling away from the goose. It was as if sparks or fragments of bright light were spitting and swirling from Lum’s arms and flowing out into his wake; almost, I later thought, like he had been attempting to transport a blazing log through the woods in the scoop of a shovel. The light was just shattering, and with each flap of its wings the goose was shaking off the light like a wet dog shaking off water.

    It was a sight at once horrifying and breathtaking, the luminous particles scattering and fading in the darkness, some of them drifting for a time on the breeze and creeping through the trees. The light from the goose was fading so rapidly that after a couple of moments the creature in Lum’s arms was visible only in this faint, ghostly outline.

    Lum finally staggered into the clearing, completely out of breath and mumbling something I couldn’t make out. The wings of the goose were now quiet, and as Lum approached the car the last embers in his arms faded away until he was moving again in complete darkness. He flopped the goose down before us and it rolled over in the grass with a sound like a water balloon. Lum fell forward against the fender of the car and leaned there for a minute, catching his breath. After a moment he craned his neck and looked back under his arm at his prize in the grass.

    "Shit," he said. "It’s just a goose."

    "Was," Beryl said. I bent down for a closer look and Beryl nudged it with his boot. "Look dead to you?" he asked.

    "Yes," I said.

    We all stood there for awhile, mostly trying to ignore the goose in the grass, and after a time Beryl and I silently followed Lum back through the trees to the edge of the marsh, where we found nothing but darkness. There were no signs of geese, luminous or otherwise.

    I suppose it’s like this: You see things sometimes in this world and after a certain amount of time passes you’re no longer sure anymore what it was you saw. I know I can tell you that after a few days I could no longer say with any certainty whether or not I had entirely imagined the things that I’ve just recounted. Even after all these years, I still can’t say. I do know that the photos I took that night were either entirely washed out, too blurry to be conclusive, or revealed nothing but a dark chaos of brush. I like to think I’m a decent photographer, but there isn’t even one of those pictures that you could point to and say, "There’s Lum Hoversten," let alone "There’s Lum Hoversten with a goose in his arms."

    To the best of my knowledge nobody ever saw the geese again, and the events of that night pretty quickly became nothing but another colorful local story.

    For years, much to Lum’s consternation, I refused to corroborate any of the aspects of his story or confirm my role in it. Somewhat to my surprise, I guess, and for reasons I can only guess at, Beryl Wyant also chose to keep his mouth shut, at least publicly. I’ve no doubt, however, that Lum’s still telling the story even now.

     

  • I, Too, Have a Bone to Pick with Andrew Zimmern

    At any rate, what’s my big problem with Zimmern? Where to begin, where to begin? First, I should admit that I really don’t know who this Zimmern fellow is. I mean, I really don’t know who the hell he is, just as, I’m sure, he doesn’t know who the hell I am. I got wind of a recent dust-up in the blogosphere, however, and felt curious enough to search Google for images of the man. I start there whenever possible, because I have no problem at all judging a book by its cover, being a firm believer in that old business about a picture being worth a thousand words.

    At any rate, I spent some time looking at photographs of a man alleged to be Zimmern and quickly concluded that a thousand words were something like 975 words too many; a couple dozen, I should think, would suffice.

    I can definitely tell you that I don’t like the cut of Zimmern’s jib. I think he eats too much, and given that he apparently spends so much time eating, I also think it’s fair to presume that he eats bugs … no, wait—he does, it seems, eat bugs, but what I meant to say was that it’s fair to presume that he talks with his mouth full. I don’t care for that.

    I dug a little deeper to find out more about this Zimmern character, and discovered not only that—as I suspected—he eats too much, but he also eats almost entirely at places I’ve never heard of. I’m not a big fan of people who make a habit of eating at places I’ve never heard of, then proceed to go on and on about how great those places are.

    I’m guessing that Zimmern has never spent a morning hanging drywall and then, with dust all over his hands (and under his fingernails), eaten the hell out of a Manwich and a can of Pringles. I’m also guessing that he’s never spent a cold afternoon in the garage skinning muskrats then driven his truck to the Arby’s drive-thru and polished off the 5-for-$5.99 roast beef special all by his lonesome.

    Maybe that’s unfair. Maybe Zimmern has, in fact, laid drywall and eaten the hell out of a Manwich and a can of Pringles. Maybe he has skinned muskrats and gone to Arby’s to gorge solo. But I’ll say this: if I’m correct in my suppositions—and I feel confident that I am—then I’m also correct in saying that this is a man who doesn’t know a diddly-damn thing about truly great food and the supreme pleasures and surprises of eating when you’re flat-out hungry as shit.

    Answer me these questions, Zimmern, you hot shot:
    • Have you ever eaten a pie from Beek’s, King of Pizza?
    • Under the right circumstances (very, very hungry; very, very stoned and/or drunk; etc.) could you rave for hours about the wings at Shorty and Wag’s?
    • Can you name, with appropriate enthusiasm, a favorite brand of canned chili?
    • Could you, do you honestly think, tackle the Tremendous Twelve at Perkins?
    • Have you ever been so fucking hungry that you’ve eaten a microwave hamburger from SuperAmerica and felt like you’d died and gone to heaven?
    •Might you, as I did this very evening, mix together cans of Progresso vegetable beef and beef barley soup and eat the whole damn pot while seated on the kitchen floor?
    • Have you ever spent hours driving along a freeway praying for the appearance of a Taco John’s?
    • Do you agree that Tootsie Rolls and pretzels are often as not a perfectly suitable lunch?

    If you answered no to even half of these questions, Zimmern, you’re not only a piss-poor food critic, but you’re also a pussy.

  • Stop the Clock

    Perhaps no place on Minnesota’s Iron Range personifies its mythical, often misunderstood boom-calamity-boom nature better than tiny Kinney (its population flutters around two hundred), located in the middle of the Mesabi Range on Highway 169. In 1977, faced with an outdated water system and difficulty securing state or federal assistance, Kinney attempted to secede from the Union. In a letter to then-Secretary of State Cyrus Vance, town leaders announced that they were even prepared to declare war and surrender immediately, in an effort to expedite the delivery of foreign aid necessary to replace its water system. No official response was forthcoming, but the Republic of Kinney was born, and last July the town celebrated the thirtieth anniversary of its independence.

    To an outsider, the vast territory of the Range, with its gaggle of working-class towns and the unique landscapes created by its mines, does in fact have the feel of an old-world republic. The region technically encompasses the entire northeast corner of the state, including Two Harbors and Duluth, whose Lake Superior ports send Iron Range ore out into the world. But the Superior shore, and the area north and south from Ely, the Arrowhead region, has always had a distinct identity. With the Boundary Waters Canoe Area and a large swath of the Superior National Forest, this territory attracts scads of tourists and wilderness adventurers.

    The heart of the Iron Range, however, has never been high on the list of Minnesota tourist destinations. It’s not hard to find native Minnesotans who’ve never even driven through the region proper, despite its fabled place in state history and the fact that so many of the town names are ingrained in Minnesota lore: Hibbing, Virginia, Chisholm, Eveleth, Mountain Iron, Biwabik.

    Aside from a Bronx accent still evident after thirty-five years in Minnesota, photographer Mike Melman could easily pass as a native Iron Ranger at any Twin Cities social function. He’s got the laconic demeanor; the ruddy, slightly rumpled look of a man who’s just stepped in out of a cold wind; and the gift for being simultaneously deadpan and passionate. Not that Melman attends many social functions. He’s a rambler with a camera, “looking for places they haven’t messed up yet, but will,” and is generally out trolling for pictures in the dead of night.

    Melman took a circuitous route to Minneapolis, where he has lived since 1972. Born and raised in the Bronx, he attended New York’s Cooper Union and then Berkeley to complete his architecture degree. After college he served a six-year stint in the Naval Air Reserve, stationed at Floyd Bennett Field in Brooklyn. The Navy stuck a camera in his hands and sent him up in the plastic nose of a P2V prop plane to take surveillance photos over the Atlantic.

    Later, Melman went to England for several years, where he worked for architects and started taking photos in earnest. He and his wife then made the somewhat arbitrary decision to relocate to Minnesota (“a couple friends from Cooper Union ended up here, and said good things”).

    Melman worked steadily in architecture and promptly retired when he turned 65. “It wasn’t exactly a successful career,” he said. “I made a conscious choice not to do my own thing, so I was always working for firms. And the problem with that is that a lot of the time you end up working on stuff you don’t believe in.”

    Even as he was toiling at architecture, he was discovering that photography was the perfect medium for capturing the environment he found in the Midwest. “The move was a strange adjustment, initially. Growing up I was closed in all the time. I rarely left the Bronx. I’d look across the airshaft and see my neighbors at their table, and the elevated train passed right outside my bedroom window. I’d look out and see the passengers and they’d be looking right back at me. They didn’t look very happy. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I craved space.”

    Even so, Minnesota was an acquired taste, Melman acknowledges. “It didn’t take me long, though, to become quite addicted to all the space, the sky and clouds, the light and all the different kinds of weather you get here. Not to mention the sort of desertion you can encounter in the winter and the middle of the night.”

    All of those things—light, sky, space, and, particularly, desertion—have become trademarks of Melman’s photography. If anything, in fact, he has become somewhat notorious for the austerity and desolation of his pictures. He works very hard to exclude people, cars, and even trees in his shots. “People sometimes get appalled when I explain this,” Melman said. “And I like trees just fine; I just don’t want them in my pictures. I like the pure geometry of land, buildings, and sky, and the trees just confuse everything.”

    From the late ’80s through the ’90s, Melman (who does not own a car, and often travels by Greyhound bus) took photos all over the state. Most were nocturnes, or images captured at first light, for a project that eventually became his book The Quiet Hours, published in 2003. Then, at the suggestion of his editor at the University of Minnesota Press, Melman started poking around on the Iron Range. In 2006, he received a State Arts Board Initiative grant for a project there, and made twelve trips north that year.

    The culture of the Iron Range turned out to be a perfect fit for a guy who is fond of saying that he’d like to turn back the clock to the 1950s. “I see so much stuff—the strip malls, the condos, the crap along the freeways—and I’m always wondering, ‘Is this the future?’ ” he said recently. “Because if it is, I’m leaving. I don’t know what people are thinking. You have to wade through more and more trash to get to the good stuff.”

    Melman’s version of “the good stuff” is in ample evidence in his photographs from the Range. “They’ve got a different light up there,” he said. “It’s super clear. The legendary vastness of this country is all right there, and the scale of the mining operations is just stunning. The whole culture, there’s so much beauty. Towns come and go; they live and die by the mines, but the people try like hell to stay up there. You ask these old miners what they’re going to do when they retire and they want to stay right there, maybe get a cabin, and hunt and fish. They’ve had these incredible hard times, but there’s still this preserved way of doing things. I guess I’m always surprised when anything from the old days is still intact. It’s like a miracle to me.”

    Be sure to view the slideshow in the left column

  • Laura Flynn

    Flynn’s debut about growing up in 1970s San Francisco with a paranoid schizophrenic mother sounds like the sort of overwrought therapy masquerading as literature we’ve been inundated with for years—but it’s actually as convincing as it is harrowing, and is ultimately a beautiful testament to the remarkable resilience of children and the power of imagination and (it really does hurt to write this) love. As her mother’s illness spirals out of control, and her father (presumably worn out from accusations of Satanic proselytizing) leaves the family, Flynn and her two sisters find solidarity and survival in books, fantasy, and, most touchingly, in the sorts of imaginative flight they’d originally learned from their mother.

    February 8th.

  • Charles Baxter

    Charles Baxter, whom we’re happy to once again claim as a local (he recently returned from a long exile in Ann Arbor) has been at it for twenty-five years now, and his body of work—which includes novels, short stories, poetry, and essays—has gained both a national reputation and a cult following. His novel The Feast of Love was a National Book Award nominee and was recently made into a film. Baxter’s teaching at the University of Minnesota these days, but he keeps turning out books (he’s purportedly an insomniac), and his latest, The Soul Thief, involves a graduate student wrestling with the realization that he may not be who he thinks he is. Or something like that.

    7-8 p.m., MinneapolisCentral Library, 300 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis; 612-630-6174.

  • Chip Kidd

    This is apparently what we’ve come to: In an age when we’re reminded on an almost daily basis that nobody reads books anymore, one of the biggest celebrities in publishing is a guy who designs book jackets. That, of course, would be Chip Kidd, the graphic designer with a classic quarterback’s name. You’d think maybe the guy would be content with having designed fifteen-hundred covers and counting—his work is ubiquitous and, to his credit, almost always ridiculously stylish and unmistakable—but you’d be wrong. Turns out Kidd also writes novels, and on the heels of his debut The Cheese Monkeys (an art school yarn) comes The Learners (a novel with a lot of ruminations on graphic design). You certainly can’t accuse the ambitious Kidd of not writing about what he knows. The publisher says the new book also involves “advertising, electroshock torture, suicide, a giant dog, potato chips, and the Holocaust.”

    7-8 p.m., Minneapolis Central Library, 300 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis; 612-630-6174.

  • Night Train and Other Ojibwe Stories: A Celebration of Writing and Sisterhood with the Erdrichs

    Not since the Brontës bulled their way to prominence in nineteenth-century Duluth has the flyover cultural set seen a distaff literary dynasty—or, quite honestly, any sort of literary dynasty—the likes of the Erdrich sisters. By now everybody knows Louise (independent bookstore owner and author of the award-winning Love Medicine and all sorts of other critically acclaimed novels, children’s books, poetry, and short story collections); and everybody should know Heid, who for our money is a more consistently stunning poet than her more celebrated sister. The impetus for this family reunion, however, is the publication of Night Train, a debut collection of short stories by Lise Erdrich, the sister we confess to knowing almost nothing about. We do know, though, that she was a 2007 Bush Foundation fellow, and Sherman Alexie has said of her collection, “This book challenged, entertained, thrilled, and scared me.” No idea how often they actually get a chance to sit down together, but we’re guessing they’ll have plenty to talk about.

    7 p.m.-8 p.m., Minneapolis Central Library, 300 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis; 612-630-6174.

  • Yo Ivanhoe Goes to the Movies!

    Believe me, I fully recognize that a guy pretty much has to
    be a moron and a glutton for punishment to criticize Diablo Cody at this point.
    Either that or he has to be a very, very brave man, a man with the stones of
    Anton Chigurh.

    I’ll plead absolutely guilty on the first counts. As to the
    second, well, yes, ma’am, I do believe I’m your man there as well.

    Let me get some things out of the way before I move ahead
    with my ill-advised temerity (and I’m willing to acknowledge that I have no
    idea whether temerity is always, by its very nature, ill-advised, but I’m aware
    of the possibility).

    I know Diablo Cody is a very smart woman, and based on her
    work I would know this even if she hadn’t let slip in interviews that she has
    the stratospheric IQ of the average postal service Mensan. She’s a sharp, smart character, and almost all of her writing that I’ve seen has been very sharp, very
    smart, and frequently funny.

    The writing in Juno is often very sharp, very smart, and
    very funny. The problem is that it is not the way real people talk; it’s the
    way people talk on television sitcoms, and I guess I hold films to a slightly
    higher standard, at least films that get nominated for Academy Awards –films
    like Kramer Vs Kramer, Forrest Gump, Braveheart, and Titantic. I
    promise you that I wouldn’t have a single complaint if Juno were nominated
    for an Emmy, particularly if they had a category for the snappy Post-Modern
    After-School Special.

    I understand that the legend has it that Ms. Cody birthed
    the Juno screenplay in the restroom at some suburban Target, washing down fistfuls of
    truck stop speed with two-liter jugs of RC Cola or some such while hunched over a
    laptop balanced precariously on the diaper changing station. Fine, I’ll buy
    that if you really want to make a stink about it. I also believe, however, that
    she had some help from a handful of down-on-their-luck former Different
    Strokes
    and Family Ties writers (Don’t get me wrong: I am not saying
    that any of these people were in the women’s room with her). And I’m also pretty
    damn sure that somebody from The Simpsons or The Family Guy sprinkled a
    little fairy dust on the thing before she turned it over to Jason Reitman.

    I have other problems with the movie, yes, but I guess I also have
    a few problems with the mythology that I should get out of the way first. I don’t,
    for instance, believe that Diablo Cody was ever a stripper. I just don’t. I
    know she wrote a memoir about the "experience," but I also know that that
    doesn’t prove a damn thing. Wouldn’t you think if this story were true, we’d
    have been inundated with backbiting and lecherous accounts from former
    co-workers and the habitués of the establishments where she purportedly worked?
    Maybe I’m not paying proper attention –although I think I am, and I think it’s
    hard not to– but I haven’t heard a peep.

    I can’t blame her for coming up with a colorful back-story.
    We all love colorful back-stories. They make the strangers we obsess about all
    the more interesting, and they’re somehow even more interesting if they allow
    us to imagine the strangers we obsess about bare-assed naked and covered with
    tattoos. I’ll admit it: if I had a biography or a resume I certainly wouldn’t
    hesitate to pad the damn thing with all manner of outrageous fabrications. All
    the same, I don’t believe a word of this particular tall tale –don’t believe
    Cody was a stripper, don’t believe she was a coal miner, and don’t believe that
    she was the night janitor in a crematorium. I don’t even believe she’s from
    suburban Kentucky. I mean, seriously people, do you honestly believe there even
    is a suburban Kentucky?

    There isn’t, but if there were, I can pretty much guarantee
    you that sixteen-year-old suburban Kentucky girls wouldn’t be listening to
    Patti Smith or the Stooges or Mott the Fucking Hoople. And I hope to God they
    wouldn’t be listening to Kimya Dawson and the Moldy Peaches, either, because if
    so than the place as I imagine it just got a whole lot more hellish.

    My real problems with Juno, I suppose, can be boiled down
    to this: If it’s trying to be subversive it doesn’t work. And if it’s not trying to be subversive it doesn’t work either.

    There’s too much telling and not enough showing, too much
    lazy shorthand about virtually every character, and by the end I don’t feel
    like I really know or care about a single person in the entire movie (well,
    maybe I cared a little bit about the dad and step-mom, even if they didn’t seem
    remotely real to me). The stammering, dorky boyfriend –played by the same
    stammering dork who played the same stammering dorky character in Superbad— is, we are told, "cool." He’s in a band. He also, I presume, likes
    the same sort of impossibly hip music Juno likes. Yet all we see him do is run
    around in shorts and a sweatband. The poor, improbably fertile dork does
    nothing but run and run. Is this supposed to be a metaphor? And, yes, one
    canned moment of sweetness passes between Juno and the dork, but other than
    that the kid doesn’t much seem to understand the gravity of the situation, and
    we get absolutely nothing in the way of character development that would allow
    us to see him through Juno’s eyes. She just tells us that he’s the coolest guy
    she knows, and we pretty much have to take her word for it.

    I’d also love to know what’s up with Juno’s best friend. Who
    is this girl? Does she not seem like exactly the sort of vacuous nobody that
    someone like Juno would openly mock? At any rate, she’s ultimately nothing but
    what she seems, because we get exactly nothing about her to form anything but a
    surface impression.

    And does not Juno have a little sister in this film? Am I
    imagining that? And if I’m not imagining it, why does Juno have a little
    sister? Why is this kid in the movie? Get rid of her. Let some other movie
    adopt her. She serves no purpose.

    I’m pretty sure I could go on and on (just as I’m pretty
    sure that Diablo Cody –whoever she really is– is going to have a long, fine
    career and that her pending horror film will be exactly the sort of riot she’s
    most suited to write), but my ultimate problem with Juno was that in the end,
    in what felt like a terrible cop-out to me, the cute-as-a-button smartass turns
    her baby over to the one pathetic person in the entire film who is most ill-equipped
    to live in the world Cody’s characters inhabit.

    And as long as we’re on the subject of the Oscars,
    and since I know you come here expecting regular, sharp criticism of the
    current state of the cinema, I may as well offer some impressions of a couple
    of the other nominated films I paid eight dollars to see and did not much
    enjoy.

    I love Cormac McCarthy. I generally enjoy the Coen Brothers.
    And I wish like hell I hadn’t seen No Country For Old Men. It’s like McCarthy
    and the Coens teamed up to write an episode of the Andy Griffith Show for the
    End Times:

    Deputy rushes into the room,
    clearly agitated:
    Sheriff! A truckload of Mexicans turned up just outside
    of town and they’ve been shot all to blazes! You wanna drive out to take a
    look?

    Sheriff is sitting at a table in
    a diner, squinting at the newspaper and shaking his head incredulously.
    He hesitates, and doesn’t look up from the paper:
    No sir, I don’t believe I
    do.

    In No Country, just as in this country, the world is going
    to hell in a hurry. Evil, inexplicably represented by a man with a bad haircut
    and a pneumatic cattle zapper, is an unstoppable force. The poor, old,
    beleaguered Sheriff just can’t be bothered anymore to do anything but mope
    around and offer homespun philosophical ruminations. The crafty Vietnam vet who
    finds the satchel of cash comes up with all manner of crafty maneuvers to
    outfox his pursuers, yet never thinks to transfer all that money into a
    slightly less distinctive –not to mention cumbersome– carrying case. Woody Harrelson shows up and displays
    remarkable skills of clairvoyance in locating both the man on the run and the
    money, but then –just like that– he’s dead. Then –just like that– pretty much
    everybody else is dead as well, except for Evil, which still walks among us
    dragging his pneumatic cattle zapper, and the poor, old, beleaguered Sheriff,
    who right up to the bitter end offers homespun philosophical ruminations to anybody who’s still alive to listen.

    That’s about it. The whole thing looks awfully nice, though,
    I’ll give it that.

    Ratatouille also looks awfully
    nice, but it also sucks. I’m sorry, but I just think it’s a tall order
    to make the whole rats-in-the-kitchen thing palatable, particularly
    when we’re talking about obnoxious rats, and scads of them. I had a
    huge problem with the lazy, jackhammer way Brad Bird and his associates
    named their characters –the snobby food critic is named Anton Ego! Get it?
    There’s also a Gusteau, a Linguini, a Pompidou, a Django, and a
    Skinner. Could you maybe take more than five fucking minutes to name
    your characters before we hand you a Best Screenplay nomination? Is
    that really asking too much?

    And, finally, there’s the sheer ignorance of the main human
    character, Remy. Throughout the entire stinking film the guy has a rat on his
    head pulling his hair and putting him through all manner of contortions making
    the same damn dishes over and over, yet somehow, when the rat disappears, the
    moron doesn’t know how to recreate the recipes he’s made hundreds of times?
    What the hell?

    Somebody in Hollywood –and it might as well be Diablo
    Cody– better send me a check for $24, pronto. I’m for damn sure not going to
    drag my ass out to see Atonement until they do.