Author: Brad Zellar

  • A Power Hitter Needs A Proper Name

    Justin doesn’t cut it.

    Every high school football and soccer team in America has a half dozen Justins on its roster, and the name reeks of suburban privilege. It’s a boy-band name, and I’d love to see Justin Morneau go in a different direction.

    Granted, the big Canuck seems to be doing just fine right now, but he does have other options in the name department. He was, after all, born Justin Ernest George Morneau, and either of the lad’s two middle names would be preferable to his current handle.

    George Morneau is decent, certainly, if a bit flat-faced and bland. And Ernest Morneau would be a solid name for a Canadian novelist or outdoor columnist, but is perhaps a little too stolid for a modern day slugger.

    Ernie, though, Ernie Morneau; there’s a good baseball name. It has a nice throwback ring to it, and would be perfectly suitable for a heavyweight boxer, a barroom brawler, or a Major League masher.

    I’m guessing Ernie Morneau would hit ten to fifteen more homeruns a year than Justin Morneau.

    Easily.

  • Glad And Sorry

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    When he came up through the tunnel, the darkness had not yet lifted and the cicada were still in full damp rattle.

    The heat had broken in the night, and the coolness was stirring up an apparational moving fog, heavy, moist. The street lights were dropping fuzzed cones of grainy and ineffectual light straight down into the fog.

    Across the street he could see the smeared neon in the windows of the slaughterhouse bars and diners. A laugh broke like a whip and set off a dog somewhere out in the neighborhood beyond. From the stockyards he could hear the sleepy and pleasant idling of freight trains, readying to move out across the plains and into the mountains.

    At the mouth of the tunnel there were two children huddled in rain slickers, shaking little UNICEF cans. There was nothing in his pockets but blood. His pants and socks and boots felt sodden.

    He couldn’t stand to change and shower in that filthy locker room with all those bellowing and exhausted men. Every morning he liked to be the first one up the tunnel, the first one home in bed next to his wife as daylight made its appearance at the windows.

    He would be drifting off to sleep as his wife dressed quietly for mass and kissed him goodbye.

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  • Long Night’s Journey into Day

    It was Monday morning at Treasure Island casino near Red Wing, somewhere in the vicinity of 5:00 a.m. It was hard to say for certain; I didn’t have a watch, my cell phone was dead, and there were no clocks anywhere. I know the slow, grinding pace of late nights, though, can feel the hours turnover in my head, and in my skull it felt like 5:00 a.m.

     

    I’d been on the floor of the casino since eleven o’clock the previous evening. My head hurt. I am not a gambler, and am pretty much a stranger to casinos. I was running down, and decided to step outside for a breath of fresh air. The first light of dawn was creeping along the horizon, and standing at the edge of the parking lot you could hear little beyond a distant pulse, the stirring of birds, and the sibilant, sedative rhythm of the sprinklers swiveling in the grass. A distraught woman sat on a curb near the motorcycle area, talking on a cell phone. “Tell her not to be mad at me,” she said. “No, listen. Would you please just tell her not to be mad at me?”

    A few feet from me, just outside the main entrance to the casino, a much-older woman sat parked in her elder buggy—one of those motorized contraptions with handlebars and wire baskets. She had a cigarette clenched in her teeth, her eyes were closed, and her head was thrown back at what appeared to be an excruciatingly uncomfortable angle.

    The number of players at Treasure Island had thinned out considerably after last call at the casino’s liquor dispensaries, Bongo’s and Toucan Harry’s Bar. The groups of whooping, collegial gamblers—students, older folks from the RV park up the road, golfers unwinding after a day on the course, couples taking advantage of the package deals at the hotel—had departed, but somehow the casino seemed even noisier. Now, though, it was essentially a cacophonous province of solitaries. Among them were an agitated Vietnamese man shuffling numbers on a video roulette game, and an elderly fellow, wearing overalls, driving gloves, ear plugs, and what appeared to be yellow-tinted scuba goggles, who was pounding away at the Nurse Follies slot machine. Nearby, at the counter of the Mongo Bay Grill, a stooped little woman slowly pinched nickels out of a plastic cup and slid them across the counter to pay for her chicken strip basket.

    Earlier, after the bar-crowd exodus, I had ventured up to my hotel suite to rest my feet, scribble some notes, and pound down caffeine. The place was lavish: two rooms, two bathrooms, two televisions, a king-size bed, akitchenette, and a huge Jacuzzi. The walls were adorned with art involving palm trees, expanses of blue sea, sunsets, and people strolling on the beach, in keeping with the casino’s Caribbean theme.

    In hindsight, the suite was a foolish expenditure. I would use it as little more than a locker for my stuff. Except for this break, I would be downstairs from 11:30 p.m. until 7:30 the next morning, wandering the floors of the casino. I would not sleep in that king-size bed. The Jacuzzi would remain unused.

    At 2:00 a.m., when I went back down to the casino, hundreds of people were still scattered around its 120,000 square feet, hunched alone at slot machines or huddled in quiet groups at the blackjack tables. Many of the wee-hours gamblers were quite old, and many of them were Asian; a number of them were Asian and quite old. Some of them were in wheelchairs or motorized carts. The majority of the gamblers who were not old, Asian, or in wheelchairs were young men, most of whom were wearing backward baseball caps and smoking cheap cigars. These characters tended to sport the kind of carefully groomed facial hair common to professional athletes, along with wrap-around sunglasses and sweatbands.

    At that hour, the majority of the blackjack action was consolidated at a handful of tables. The players seemed intimidating in their concentration and silence. The dealers had a rapid, almost comically formal style, marked by a stoic demeanor and elegant flourishes that often looked like the sleight-of-hand routines of a magician.

  • Hard Look, Tender Touch

    “One thing I would never photograph,” Diane Arbus once wrote, “is dogs lying in the mud.” 

    That’s an odd statement coming from a woman who looked so unflinchingly at the weird world around her. Technically there may not be any photographs of dogs lying in the mud in Revelations, the vast retrospective of the photographer’s work that is currently on display at Walker Art Center, but there are certainly scads of the portraits that many have long viewed as degraded human variants of Arbus’ one supposedly forbidden image.

    Celebrated and influential as her work has been, those critics contend that Arbus was a cold and exploitive stalker of human freaks and garden-variety ugliness, a photographer who prowled human peripheries in search of the sordid and the sensational, and kept probing until she exposed the vulnerabilities and flaws in her subjects.

    While Arbus was a master at exploring human fault lines, she also succeeded in demonstrating that the family of man is weirder, more wondrous, and multifarious than most of us can begin to imagine. Looking at her photographs, you often have the feeling that what we have all agreed to call human beings can’t possibly be a single species. Like so many other great artists, Arbus understood that we live both bundled in and surrounded by mysteries.

    Much of the blame for the misinterpretations and misapprehensions that have dogged Arbus’ work lies in the psychoanalytic evaluations that flourished in the wake of her 1971 suicide. The criticisms tend to focus on her portraits of sideshow performers, transvestites, and denizens of rundown nudist camps or mental institutions, as well as ordinary people at moments that always, as Arbus captures them, appear to convey unattractive discomfort or utter cluelessness. Her own term for many of her subjects—“singular people”—is both revealing and useful. Although these photos still cast a powerful spell, they have mostly lost their ability to truly shock, eclipsed as they have been by all manner of art (much of it influenced by Arbus) that has gone much further that Arbus ever did. Artists like Nan Goldin, Joel Peter Witkin, Stephen Shore, William Eggleston, and Alec Soth have carried on the quest for the ugliest American fringes of the strange and the purely mundane.

    What is not often explored is how Arbus’ working methods relied a great deal on trust and tenderness. Ample evidence of this is provided by the biographical and documentary thoroughness of the Revelations exhibition and its accompanying catalog. She cultivated relationships with the subjects of her photographs, and her fascination was virtually always balanced by real curiosity and compassion. Images like Santas at the Santa Claus School, Albion, N.Y. 1964, or A Jewish couple dancing, N.Y.C. 1963 show that Arbus also had a marvelous eye for quintessential American tableaus and moments. Some of the most striking and lovely works in the retrospective have little in common with Arbus’ well-publicized taxonomy of American freaks—other than an unerring feel for the archetypically forlorn. Check out, for instance, Xmas Tree in a Living Room, Levittown, L.I. 1963, A Castle in Disneyland, Cal. 1962, Clouds on a Screen at a Drive-in, N.J. 1960, or A House on a Hill, Hollywood, Cal. 1963.

    For a photographer who produced so many widely recognized images, Arbus’ huge body of work has been almost shamefully underexposed. Before Revelations, and the sprawling catalog that accompanies the exhibition, monographs and museum shows were few and far between. Revelations, whose Walker appearance is the last stop on a tour that began more than two years ago in San Francisco, is only Arbus’ second solo museum retrospective; the first, also posthumous, took place almost thirty-five years ago at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. During the photographer’s lifetime she had just one museum exhibition, New Documents, in 1967 (also at MoMA), which she shared with Garry Winogrand and Lee Friedlander. In the years since her death, there have been only three major published monographs of her work—1972’s Diane Arbus, the book that established the relatively small number of images for which she is most widely known; 1984’s Magazine Work; and 1995’s Untitled, her series of photographs taken at institutions for the mentally disabled.

    Similary, exhaustive biographical information has been even harder to come by. The only full-scale look at Arbus’ life was Patricia Bosworth’s sketchy and mostly unsatisfying Diane Arbus, the 1984 biography that was written without access to the photographer’s archives and without cooperation from her estate or many of her closest friends and family members.

    Revelations—both the show and the book—fills in the blanks, and then some. Featuring nearly two hundred photos (many of which have not been previously exhibited), contact sheets, notes, letters, source materials, an exhaustive chronology, and even some of the contents of the photographer’s library and studio, Revelations offers a sprawling look at the life and career of a woman who apparently knew from a very early age what she was looking for and, more importantly, what she was looking at. Reading her notes, diaries, and letters also leaves little doubt that Arbus understood exactly what she had gotten herself into.

    “There are and have been and will be an infinite number of things on earth,” she wrote in a high school paper on Plato. “Individuals all different, all wanting different things, all loving different things, all looking different. Everything that has been on earth has been different from any other thing. That is what I love: the differentness, the uniqueness of all things and the importance of life … I see something that seems wonderful; I see the divineness in ordinary things.”

    There, in the awkward, exuberant prose of a weird teenager, is the essential, unwavering mission statement that would guide Arbus’ career. She would also later claim, “I really believe there are things which nobody would see unless I photographed them.”

    She was absolutely right about that; most of us go through life looking through or around the sorts of things Arbus routinely sought out and scrutinized through the lens of her camera. She was a fearless gawker, a master of the hard stare, and there’s never anything furtive in her approach—no evasion, no flinching or turning away. It’s one thing, of course, to look unflinchingly at someone strange, but Arbus had a gift for getting her subjects to look back at her. In many of her photographs, in fact, you have the sense that these people saw right through her and knew exactly what she was looking for. “I don’t press the shutter,” Arbus once said. “The image does. And it’s like getting gently clobbered.” The photographs that make up Revelations are the afterlife and aftershocks of that clobbering. Everything about most of her photographs, you have to imagine, was difficult—the search, the logistics, the process and meticulous printing, and, most particularly, the moments themselves, which are never quite Cartier-Bresson’s Decisive Moment. They are something more slippery and incidental and subject to metamorphosis at shutter speed: brief encounters in that gray, expansive territory between fateful decisions and fate itself.

  • So You Were Saying

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    This is mine.

    This. This word. These words. They are mine. They belong to me.

    Increasingly they may be the only things I can claim with any certainty. They come from me, from the mysteries of my blood, from the contents of my brain, welded together by the sparks traveling in my nerves and up and down my spine.

    They are things that happen to me, and more and more now they move unbidden from my lips and fingers. I don’t know anymore what I’m thinking until I see what I say or write.

    I need to breath to keep producing words, need to keep getting up and sitting up, need to keep taking a pen in my cramped fingers and confronting blank pages.

    The words serve no real purpose other than to remind me that life is still happening in my head, that my brain is still seeing something that it accepts as the world, and that it is still wobbling through that world along the margins of consciousness.

    It is helpless to do otherwise.

    This, and only this, is all mine. That sliver of moon belongs to the thing my brain accepts as the world, as do those branches moving in the breeze and those planes dropping from the sky. And all of these other things with which I am surrounded –the books, records, photographs, and clothing– will someday belong to someone else.

    But these words, they will always be mine. Only mine.

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  • A Summer Missive From My Old Friend Ruckert, Postmarked Escanaba, Michigan

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    Please. Thank you. Preceding or preceded by a transaction with some anonymous servant of convenience, and occasionally involving as well a few other words in the form of a request.

    For days, sometimes weeks, little more in the way of human conversation. His voice was disppearing further down his throat by the day. He would find himself reading out loud, if only to convince himself –or try to– that the authors of the books he lived surrounded by were actively communicating with him, that there was a real relationship of sorts involved in the act of reading, that these mostly dead people and their mostly fictional creations were true companions and friends, and not merely the babysitters of his disappearing self.

    His nose was running; he needed a tissue.

    There were places he might go, but he was not entirely convinced of this possibility, was not, in fact, convinced of any sort of possibility at all. Still, there was a great deal of water out there, somewhere close by, that he might look at if he ever felt so inclined.

    He kept waiting to hear from you, ‘you’ meaning the ever more distant constellation of his old friends and acquaintances. He had somehow slipped from his orbit, and felt himself hurtling toward some ultimate collision. There was a chance, he supposed, that he would burn up and fall apart before gravity finally laid him out for good.

    Meanwhile, he would order things, to give himself something to look forward to, the occasional package in the mail that would provide some important acknowledgment that he was still, however ambivalently, among the living.

    He had become one of those people who wrote things above urinals in public restrooms, and who had taken to carrying a Sharpie in his pocket for exactly this purpose. He was not, however, prepared to disclose the sorts of things he felt compelled to scribble in moments of terrible rage and weakness.

    Every night, in the dead hours, he would be startled awake, terrified.

  • From A Chemistry Lab Deep In The Bowels Of The Metrodome…

    Eureka!

    Or something perhaps not quite so enthusiastic, but a minor cause for exultation all the same.

    And why is that? Because the Twins just swept the Red Sox, yes, but also because we’re finally seeing the version of the 2006 team we should have seen back in April.

    Tony Batista was a bust, and is gone (and, sure, I was rooting for the guy, but what choice, really, did any of us have?). Rondell White has been such a bust that he makes Batista’s numbers look almost All-Star worthy. He’ll almost certainly soon be gone. Juan Castro is gone –no cause for any gnashing of teeth there, of course; the guy should have never been given the job in the first place.

    It really shouldn’t have been much of a surprise, I suppose, that the Batista-Castro left side of the Twins’ infield ended up being a slightly more benign baseball version of Cuba’s own Batista-Castro regimes.

    The Minnesota team that beat Boston was an almost wholly different team from the squad that was frustrating through the first two months of the season, and it’s a team that’s a whole lot easier to root for, don’t you think?

    Four players now have slugging percentages of .500 or better, this after finishing last year without a single player within spitting distance of .500.

    Rondell White isn’t on that list, certainly, and neither is Torii Hunter. The four players are Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Michael Cuddyer, and Jason Kubel. If you wanted to be truly optimistic you could throw Jason Bartlett and his six at bats into the mix.

    This is those guys’ team now, and when you toss in Johan Santana, Francisco Liriano, and Joe Nathan, that’s a club that should at the very least be fun to watch most days. And if Brad Radke and Carlo Silva can continue the rehabilitation of their reputations and approach respectability, the Twins might yet be a decent team, not just worth paying attention to, but actually worth paying to see.

    If that core group of younger players can continue to gell and demonstrate some consistency in the next month they also might make things interesting for general manager Terry Ryan. What is he going to do with Shannon Stewart when he comes off the disabled list? And will he finally find the nerve to move Torii Hunter and his almost $11 million in salary? What will become of Rondell White and Ruben Sierra?

    My guess –and I suppose my hope– is that none of those players will be around by late July. And I think that’s going to make the Twins a better and more cohesive team.

  • Wednesday, I'm Supposing

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    Moving books around on the shelves, a quilt of my own making taking shape and standing solid against the wall. All those stories that have both saved and ruined me.

    This image is somewhere on those shelves: the testicles of Uranus, bobbing in a moon-shattered sea, headed for Cyprus. What a foul and wonderful story.

    Sleepless, I still have these moments where there is only one lost, endangered spot left sputtering sense in my skull. Some nights, though, it all gets fuzzed and disappears behind a scrim.

    I would like to demand something bigger from my life, but that’s never been my racket, even if I once thought I would someday be everything. Yet, even now, expectations. If patience is a virtue, well, we can’t all be virtuous, certainly.

    It’s a special type of ruination, to have to do all your dreaming awake, to be simultaneously sleepwalking and full of desire.

    I always seem to be reduced to thinking about what I should be thinking about any of this.

    Surely it’s not truly throwing up your arms to believe that someone will somehow speak to you. Somebody will eventually think of something and save us all.

    And, since I’m just letting my fingers talk this morning, this: Can a man be a ringmaster, walk the highwire, and both be and tame the lion?

    I take something sharp in my mouth, crude hook ground ragged and dangerous against stone. I swallow it unbaited, hoping to snag something gasping and desperate to live, wanting to yank it up out of me to flop and glimmer on the dark floor at my feet. All the while Blind Somebody Something howls from the speakers in the corner.

    Now the bruised light is lapping at the windows and birds are stirring in the trees. Yet surely, still, this day brings with it at least one more pure opportunity to be stunned.

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  • I Kid You Not

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    I used to think that if I could just get my hands on a sweet potato all my luck would change. If I could just get me some bacon, some butter and eggs, or one of them lollypops.

    Life’s not so simple, I guess.

    Boy, did I ever find that out.

    I was nobody’s rooster, nobody’s wolf, king bee, or tomcat. I was a hog for nobody’s love, a smooth lothario only in my dreams.

    Come to think of it, I didn’t even have any dreams.

    And backdoor man? My god, I couldn’t even get my foot in the front door.

    Crawling kingsnake? Pas moi.

    What was I then? What did I have, if sweet potato I had none? I was a poor man with stones in my shoes, stones in my pathway, blues falling down like hail. I was moaning in the moonlight. I was howling all night long. Bedbugs threw me out of my own bed.

    Did I mention the stones in my shoes? Did I mention it was raining in my heart? That I believed it was raining all over the world?

    I was only impersonating whatever it was I was impersonating in the hopes of getting my hands on a sweet potato.

    I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that I had a hellhound on my trail, but it was certainly possible. It sure did feel like that sometimes, anyway.

    By golly, sometimes it sure as Sam Hell did feel just like that.

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