Author: Chris Birt

Sir Edmund Hillary (I am sorry, did I miss something?) was once asked why, in the deepest sense, he risked his life to climb Mount Everest.
“Because it was there,” he answered.

I have a corollary when asked about certain cars to buy. Some cars are just waiting there for you to buy. Because certain models of cars can move moutains for peanuts by accepting a few basic modifications.

Consider the lowly Dodge Neon, for example. Did you know that this lump of metal can be transformed for less than 10k into the world’s fastest beer run mobile? (You do not need a Lambo for this duty.)

The Dodge Neon SRT-4 model with the ACR suspension package and Mopar Stage 3 upgrade puts out 300 HP and can beat most any car on the track–911s included (I’ve seen it). While you’ll fight a heavy dose of torque steer (mitigated by track handling package), you’ll also beat up on cars costing ten times more. I am talking about buying this car for 25k new with full warranty.

Other cars include the John Cooper Works Mini Cooper (pricy but ab fab to drive insanely fast) the 2003 Mustang Cobra and the Volvo V70 TR-5 wagon. The Vovlo wagon, in particular, has a base HP rating of 236 HP–but easily accepts a chip from IPT that adds another 55 reliable HP. All these vehicles are available fully modded for less than 30 k.

So buy one.

Because they are there.

I have never fully grasped the term “waiting out the storm.” I can understand doing so during mountaineering expeditions, but not neccessarily during a blizzard in the urban jungle. Not when there are great cars that can plow through snow faster than Tony Montana without blowing a kingpin’s fortune.

All it takes is knowledge of a few “new age” hot-rodding tricks and the vehicles that respond best to such techniques.

In the old days, most hot rodding was done with costly tricks like adding hotter cams or boring out an engine block. And even if you did add some HP, you’d be Jon Krakauer book material if you drove your rod on anything less than hot pavement.

Fortunately today a simple ECU chip upgrade can give you maximum HP without robbing you of snow and ice performance. The key is knowing what cars gain the most HP from chipping without costing a fortune. The Road Rake recommends the following two bargains:

The AudiS4 (Twin Turbo V6). This little beast puts out 250 HP to all four wheels. It runs 0-60 in 5.5. sec. Many magazines (like Sports Car Illustrated–the very best journalism on sports cars) have been less than impressed with the driving dynamics of the S4s chassis (too insulated from the road), but generally agree that it is an overall tight and fast ride.

If you live in a place that benefits from 4WD, however, you can forget all this splitting of hairs and take advantage of a far more potent insight—The S4’s 2.7 liter biturbo engine can be chipped for around $800.00 or so to produce 330 reliable HP. While Audi dissuades owners from doing this, you can simply check into TotalAudiPerformance (TAP.com), for the chip set.

The Subuaru WRX. On the same site (TAP.com) you will find a sister site for the Subuaru. They have the STI chip that pumps this car from 227 hp in stateside trim to the 276 HP you can get in the Japanese version. All for around $800.00.

Now that the saturnine Dixie Chicks have been given their rightful due I think we should pause to remember that 40 years ago a single singer could do the job of three. I am talking about the infinitely more talented Joan Baez.

Joan Baez remains more talented as an artist and perhaps more confused as a rabble rouser. While this post will not have much to do with cars (I could be losing it, yes) it is my attempt at setting the facts straight about the cars Joan Baez drove and a few more stubborn truths about her life.

For example, in a recent re-release of her original Folkways recording (great CD) the reviewer on CD/NOW bemoans how Ms. Baez was “cruely parodied” in a comic strip during the height of her fame.

Parodied she was, but it wasn’t that cruel considering the real life Joan Baez was leading. The cartoon character, called “Joanie Phoanie” was a folk singer ostensibly committed to causes of the poor while driving around in a Rolls Royce. This reviewer then claimed that “nothing could be further from the truth.”

Unfortunately, the reviewer is right here on only one count: Joan Baez drove a Jaguar not a Rolls. And if you care (which you probably don’t) here are few more facts about the real Joan Baez.

a) Joan Baez did a great deal of singing and protesting during the 60s while comfortably ensonced in beautiful Carmel Highlands pad.
b) She ran an Institute for the Study of Non-Violence that is frequently used to prop up her modern day Victor Hugo like halo. However, this “Institue” was actually a series of “classes” taught by a bookstore clerk who dropped out of Stanford (no harm there–its kinda cool) that she ran from her luxurious pad (yep her house) for which she charged a cool $120.00 a class.
d) Lasty…Phoanie? Unfair?…well in 1964 it is recorded that Joan Baez refused to pay 60% of her income taxes claiming that the Government would use it to buy weapons.

I wonder about that last bit. I mean, have you ever owned a Jaguar XKE? Evading 60% of one’s taxes is just about enough to run it.

As the weather turns wicked, my automotive thoughts turn to something other than the utilitarian SUV. Or even, for that matter, the overweighted blinged out luxurious SUVs of today. My thoughts turn instead to luxury–pure luxury as it was once defined.

Of course what makes a luxury car truly luxurious is harder to answer in an era when your average Honda rides as quietly as a Rolls Royce of the David Olgilvy era.

Ah, yes, but have you actually ridden in a Rolls? Or, perhaps, a Mercedes prior to 1993–which, of course, was the last Big Benz engineered to spec, not cost. Both of these cars offered what Henry Royce called “Wafability.” This is a peculiar British affectation for the effortless, silent quality with which a classic Rolls (or Benz for that matter) accelerates.

While a Rolls Royces in good kit is overpriced and hard to service for the every day driver a twenty year old Benz with a good service history will provide you with the pleasures of an endlessly flat torque curve without trimming down your bank account.

I cannot say the same for Lexus.

Not everyone can collect cars like Jay Leno. In fact, car collecting usually turns out to be a dark comedy for most virgins.

Not if you read this blog, however.

A few months back I encouraged all of you to purchase a Mercedes Benz 280 SL. last made in 1971. I recently spotted prices going up precipitously in Hemmings (35% increases over last year). If you act quickly, however, you can have the last laugh.

To quote myself: (note the price increases from previous versions)

A good example can be found for the mid-30s (max.) Does this car
car have soul? Oh, yes-particularly from 40 mph to 100 mph. Is it a pure breed? You betcha, it is a beautiful roadster. Is it the purest example of the breed? No. That would have to be the 300 Sl, which can be had for a mere $200,000 more. But the average transportation appliance driver can hardly tell the difference, and most women go wild for both sets of wheels.

So in all, the SL delivers a certain cache for a lot less cash. Best of all, while many were made, the good ones are getting scarcer, the prices are going up-like the stock of most things designed in the cool modernistic style of the late 60s.

The 280 SL is a groovy set of wheels.

I recently suffered through a wine and cheese party at Lutsen. I met two investment bankers (I have nothing against investment bankers) who had just turned 40. Our conversation immediately focused on lines and distinctions. The talk centered upon Denver, where one of the bankers had grown up. I mentioned where I have my office and he tried to discern (not ask) exactly where it was located. I never thought about this much, till he pestered me for landmarks. The dude was nice enough, but his questioning had a subtle pugnacity that made me flinch.

I quickly turned the conversation away from Denver and inquired about his office in Minneapolis (as I had heard he worked downtown). His office, he informed me, was in the building previously called the First Bank Tower, “designed by I.M. Pei,” he added.

I recalled that that I.M. Pei had indeed designed this tower and that to me it remains a forgettable work, with marble the color of a Don Johnson blazer from Miami Vice days (first season). He also said something about only “3 buildings” in Minneapolis being worthy of a successful enterprise. His yardstick of architectural worthiness seemed to center on height.

Needless to say I did not bring up the Japanese-penned masterpiece that is the old Northwestern National Life building.

And, being the uttter snob that he was, I refused to talk about cars.

Used car dealers have always had a richer lexicon than they are generally given credit for.

While terms such as “cream puff” and “stand up vehicle” remain vaguely incredulous, I don’t know of another industry in the world that has done more for the image of geriatrics. Any used car dealer in the United States can transform a negative into positive with just two little words:

Grandma’s Car.

The more legit dealers will even back up this claim with a proof of purchase from the original owner (average age 67).

The good news about Grandma Cars today is that many newer models (in my opinion) conveiniently fall into this category. They are generally bland, inoffensive cars that blend into almost any neighborhood Chatauqua while offering impressive reliability and highway manners.

Best of all you rarely buy a car like this. You, sensible shoes shopper than you are, will steal it.

I am talking about terrific vehicles that have been undermarketed, overpriced, or are just a little too odd for the general public. For example, I spotted a used Buick Rendezvous Ultra in the Walser Pontiac lot just last night. This is an ultra plush SUV with wood accents, soft leather and a 245 HP ultra smooth 3800 Buick V6 in pearl while with a contrasting tan interior.

This SUV sold for around 40k new–way overpriced for a fairly mediocre SUV (with a Buick stigma to some). But right now it can be had for about 25k virtually brand new. It’s also one of the quietest, smoothest riding SUVs on the road (in the Ultra guise and only in the Ultra guise–a basic Rendezvous is not worthy of anyone’s Grandma).

I’d also make a deal on another vehicle that is selling well but is still overbuilt in the category. I am talking about the Hyundai Azera. This is about the most road cruising car for the dough at about 21-22k if you can find a demo. It is also the fasest Korean car ever built with a 263 HP engine and a 0-60 time of about 6.2 seconds. Its also quite good looking.

These are just two vehicles that catch my fancy at the beginning of the year. Let me know if you spot a Dodge Dart with a slant six this spring.

I ocassionaly excerpt work from my bulletin board of blogs called groovyman.com. If you are traveling over the holiday, allow “The Road Rake” to offer his comments on how to end arguments between “family DJs” during long drives.

Because most people lack the time, talent or inclination to actually master a musical instrument, their “music” is actually a vicarious form of self-expression. Express yourself the wrong way (i.e. advocate some totally ungroovy music) and you open yourself to ridicule. The opposite happens when you name a groovy tune.

But what makes a tune groovy?

Like a groovy book, it should be a shining example of its genre. It will be a pure breed. That is why Reggae will always be groovy, and the latest “world beat” house music will not. The same can be said of be-bop versus fusion (although jazz purists would argue this). Even the hip hop of The Roots versus the skitterish grunts of Kanye West.

While the lastest “genre-maker” is always upon us, it’s better to build a music collection with works that have received the baptism of time. The grooviest music is also very frequently an acquired taste, and it certainly has soul (not be confused with Soul music–although that is usually pretty groovy). If it’s exclusivity you are after, this is the fast track to the arcane (provided you develop a taste for the groovy stuff).

And money has little to do with taste in music (just ask John Lyndon). It even has a tendency to squeeze the life out of better artists over time. A musician simply needs to “put knowledge to imaginative use” to make a groovy tune. And DJs should “spin” by the same principle.

Back in my day, you know, before tabbed websites and wikis, parents generally dreaded the long road trip. Today they seem to dread the lack of communication with their IPODed, vidiotic little brats (not recognizing their complicity in the process).

I comment about cars. I have no idea what it takes to be a parent. I do know, however, that most parents rarely consider the idea of watching a video by themselves while driving long distances. Did you realize, for example, that the navigation screen on your Toyota Prius can also become a swell DVD player for your bored spousal passenger?

Yes, you too can watch movies in the car. If you read this blog then you can already go to IMDB and search for the latest Hollywood titles to entertain yourself. I will therefore go back to an earlier mindset and consider a few picks that the late, great Pauline Kael would have approved for long car journeys. I think I will start with Japanese flim (to keep it exotic while you drive across Nebraska.)

Akira Kurosawa is often the first and last name that comes up when you fall into conversation about Japanese film. The same could be said about Sajiyt Ray (sp?) and Indian film. But why watch what everyone else watches? If you want exotic, try this film: Onibaba (available from The Criterion collection).

Onibaba was made in 1964. It is a film made after a Buddhist fable about chastity and the passions that arise over sex. If this sounds boring, then I’ll provide the Cliff notes here.

An old lady and a much younger one live in a hut in the mid-1300s. The two women attack lost and wounded samurai then kill them and make a living by selling what they steal. That’s the simple story.

The entire movie is shot in what seems to be an endless grassy marsh. The grasses sway back and forth througout the film as the story unfolds to symbolize rage, passion, confusion and so on.

Once the women have killed the samurai they throw the corpses down a large open hole in the middle of the swaying marsh. Obviously the large open hole symbolizes all kinds of things. It is an orofice, and I’ll leave it at that.

Early in the film a neighbor returns from the war. Things get interesting when the neighbor tells the two women that he saw the younger woman’s husband die in the war over a scuttle with bandits. The viewer questions why the neighbor lived to tell the story, but that’s all forgotten once the younger woman develops an interest in the man. The older woman tries to stop her but fails.

Soon the younger woman is running through the marshes every night to the hut of the neighbor to make boom boom. The older woman becomes distraught by this and soon tries to offers herself to the neighbor only to be rejected (great scene). This pisses her off so much that the the older woman resorts to scaring the younger woman into chastity. The old woman steals a mask from another samurai that she kills and taunts the younger girl on her nightime runs.

Soon all hell breaks loose. The swaying grasses, the open hole, and the stark, naked shots of the actors all combine to create wicked, palpable tension. This effect is heightened by a soundtrack that mixes the mating sounds of pigeons with Kabuki drums and urestrained saxophone (yeah, all back in 1964).

More stuff happens, but I hope you get some feel for the picture. Its not an easy flim to watch, but it is allegorical and unforgettable. Its also not that long. Which is something I cannot say for many of the flims Kurosawa was making during this period.*

* The best of which is The Bad Sleep Well. Based on an Ed McBain novel–like most of his early 60s films.

Machismo is integtral to Latin culture. I am no expert on either Latin culture nor, neccessarily, pure manliness. On the other hand, I know about cars. I also know that very small utility vehicles are popular in many Latin countries. There is something macho about purpose-built vehicles, particularly when they can be purchased at a bargain. One’s standard of living has little to do with it.

To waste money, in other words, is not macho but stupido.

With this in mind, a good friend recently sent me a list of cars written up by a reuptable journalist on current automotive “best buys.” My friend gently implied that I should sometimes measure the value of a vehicle by metrics other than quarter mile performance.

The good news here is that this list featured a few vehicles that will allow anyone to have his or her cake and eat it too (while accelerating fairly rapidly). For example, Subaru has recently released a visually toned down version of its STi Imprezza (around 29k). Mazda makes a fine Mazdaspeed 6 (overstocked and selling a little slowly at 28k).

However…and this is a big however….

If you want to look sexy, like real JLo Marc Antony in their heyday (JLo never had one but that’s another story) here is the car you will deal on today: The Pontiac G6 coupe retractable in black on black with a six speed.

Its time to buy this American vehicle. It is the least expensive and most sexy retractable vehicle currently on the market (in black on black.) It is also a sea and ski car perfect for all weather conditions.

Don’t thank me for this recommendation. Thank my friend. He is from the Latin hotbed of Iowa.