The Rake Magazine

Author: Chris Birt

  • Best Car Chases

    Over thanksgiving my wife and I were accosted in front of the Edina Lunds and asked about the “cute shoes” my wife was wearing. This happened as I was about to contribute to the Salvation Army and caused me to reflect for a moment on the true meaning of the holidays.

    Then I lost my train of thought.

    But heh, that’s no reason for glossing over a meaningful discussion of the greatest car chases in movie history.

    As you may know, “the list” is fixed and not open to argument amongst those in the know. Trust me, I constantly tabulate and cross reference this across the 14 or so automobile related magazines and websites I track on a bi-weekly basis (I do, its a sickness.)

    Basically that list looks like this:

    1) Bullitt*
    2) French Connection/Ronin (tie) movies both directed by William Friedkin.
    4) Vanishing Point
    5) (open) Some say the recent car chase in The Bourne Identity but its too short.

    * There is also an arcane French movie called The Chase (I believe) which was illegally shot in the early hours of the morning in the streets of Paris. Its a short 15 minute movie. The director placed a camera under the front bumper of his car and drove like a madman around the city. I will get more information on this. This is apparently even more impressive than Bullitt.

    I promise to track down more details on that short French film and get you some video clips in the remaining hours of this all-to-brief holiday. In the meantime why not drive off some of that fat you’ve all accumulated over Thanksgiving and remember that cars can run on all kinds of fuel.

    Yes, even salad dressing and turkey fat.

  • Forget the Bugatti. This will be faster.

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    Read the Road Rake for the latest in cocktail party patter. Surely they know about this in the Hamptons. Evo Magazine has the full story.

  • Audi RS4

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    Its a shame that the drop-top won’t be available in the US. The S4 drop top is really a boulevard cruiser.

    I recently test drove this new beast. It features 414 naturally aspirated horsepower from the proven 4.2 liter Audi V8. With twin turbochargers you could be putting 700 flywheel HP to the pavement without usurious expense (a $7000.00 upgrade).

    The American magazines talk like girlie men about the harshness of the ride while the British magazines pretty much wax about the car. It is comforting to know that the man behind Audi’s recent LeMans triumphs is now the head of their in-house tuner division.

    The only beef leveled at this car is the ratio of torque applied to the wheels and the streering feel — a consistent Audi beef since forever. On the other hand, I will take the rush of a naturally aspirated V8 that revs to 8250 over a touch of steeing feel any day.

    Competitors include:

    Mitsubishi EVO 34k
    Subaru Sti 31k

    These both have equally fast 0-60 times but lack a certain finesse. Is it worth the 40k real difference in price? I guess I’ll have to test them both.

    Buying strategy:

    Wait at least a year to have the prices come down to sub-50k (which they will.) At 50K this car is the best.

  • Eschewing the appliance (how to buy used)

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    The lovely pagoda top Mercedes 280, a car you can still afford.

    For some, the car is nothing more than a means of getting from point a to point b. For such folks, the automobile is an appliance that is less respected than a lawnmower (particularly if that lawnmower is electric and thus desirable to be seen pushing around.)

    For other people, the car is a portable amusement park. The Road Rake is written for such people and will continue to be written until all its readers have found their very own Xanadu on wheels.

    Compiling a list of portable Xanadus would prove quxiotic. Linking to evo magazine (included in my links) or perhaps Wheels of Italy locally will get you started. In the meantime, if you are looking for a great car keep the following in mind:

    Shop for soul. That means you’ll be interested mainly in pure breeds like sports cars, real trucks and the like.

    This is tough because all manufacturers build cars from the same parts bin these days. Yet pure breeds still come into being. Best of all, they rarely sell well when they are made in larger numbers, which can mean a great deal to you. Witness the Lincoln Mark II (too understated for the time). The original Riviera (same thing). Or more recently the Mazda RX-7, the Toyota Supra Turbo and the current Corvette (sadly, not the Z-06 everyone realizes it for the brilliant car it is).

    Of course this is not always the case. Pretty much all the Maranello Barchettas on the market are currently spoken for, as are the Pagani Zondas and the BMW M3s (the 2007 model). Yet some Ferarris in the mid-60s were not selling so well, given the craze at the time for mid-engined supercars (which Enzo firmly resisted), and even today there are great classics that are only now coming into their own.

    Here’s an example. Take the Mercedes Benz 280 SL convertible (with available Pagoda top), last made in 1971. A good example can be found for the mid-20s. Does this car have soul? Oh, yes-particularly from 40 mph to 100 mph. Is it a pure breed? You betcha, it is a beautiful roadster. Is it the purest example of the breed? No. That would have to be the 300 Sl, which can be had for a mere $150,000 more. But the average transportation appliance driver can hardly tell the difference, and most women go wild for both sets of wheels.

    Heck, the ladies even go wild for my Alfa Spider (a mere 7k toy). I know this because I know no longer have the hairline to make it on my own.

    (note: portions of this entry have been lifted from my own bulletin/blog groovyman.com.)

  • Engine notes (an X-mas CD)

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    www.motorbooks.co.uk

    It is well know that Nick Mason (Pink Floyd) is an avid automobile collector. He has a book that is available in England with a CD of the best engine note soundtracks called Into The Red (for redline, of course.) It is available at the link above (in British pound).

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    Of note: Luv the book cover. BTW the Ferrari 250 GTO is considered the best engine note, no controversy here.

    What is less commonly know, however is the sound of the Matra 12-cylinder CanAm cars of the 1970s. They are reportedly among the loudest engines of all time. These French cars were all sound and fury signifying nothing however and proved very unreliable.

    I’ll try to capture some soundtracks for you on this blog soon. In the meantime please enjoy any BoyRacer SuperStreet car with a coffee can (street for real big muffler) and give thanks that these youngsters are merely making and not taking speed.

  • Political mobility

    It is well known that certain types of cars are blue, green and red.

    The bluest of the blue is the Volvo station wagon. The sedans, however, are quite popular in Georgetown, where you find the ocassional conservative. Locally, however, Bush supporters and Volvos are rarer than Amy Klobuchar apologists at, say, Grace Church.

    The poster child of green cars is the Subaru station wagon. It also serves as a moving billboard for civil union amendments. I could easily see myself in such a car provided it was the English STI 306 HP version of the Forrester wagon — a car worthy of Martina Navritilova and Billie Jean combined.

    The reddest vehicle on the planet is not the Hummer (Neil Young drives a bio-diesel variant) but the Suburban XL, the “national car of Texas.” Before you Prius prissies diss this behemoth realize that a flex fuel version currently exists that can run on 85 percent ethanol. That makes the Suburban more politically correct in the corn growing states like Minnesota but still red meat for liberals in Texas.

    Do they have corn in Texas?

  • Car Candy Kills

    I have a pusher. He pushes a drug called speed.

    Guys that own hot rods, however, do not call this drug “speed” but “candy.” I guess that way it sweetens the blow that hits your wallet, the small side of your back, and the ever-present possibility of your forehead projecting through plate glass.

    Guys that own hot rods rarely talk about how “fast” a “ride” travels. They are more interested in how you’ve “candied up” your car to cover short distances at G-force inducing velocities. They really want to know how much you’ve “paid to play.” Or in other words, how many automotive updgrades you’ve added to your stock car to make it perform at a respectable level for the average gearhead.

    What’s more, what really makes them happy (and my pusher, in particular) is to see you candy up your car only to see it implode at the dragstrip or careen out of control on the street. The Germans call this schadenfreude or the “malicious enjoyment of other’s misfortunes.” I can assume most car candy pushers feel the same way.

    I am not quite sure how to stave off this addiction. Its nihilistic. Its so German. And yet, my current addiction is being fed by a American 2003 Mustang Cobra. This car delivers the most bang for hot-rod buck in history. While there are some that many argue that point, let me leave you with a recent anecdote.

    Yesterday my pusher called me to say that my car was ready (I had to replace the clutch after frying it doing upteenth burn-outs). The bill was in the low 4 figures.

    …However…

    My pusher informed me that he had just received a shipment of Whipple Superchargers and that while my car was in the shop he could easily put one on.

    “How much?,” was my first question.

    “About 640,” he replied.

    “At the wheels?,” was my second question.

    “Duh,” he replied idignantly.

    The conversation continued for a few minutes before we ever got around to discussing price. For you see my pusher was telling me that by simply switching out the supercharger my car could go from 470 horsepower at the rear wheels to over 600.

    It may be clear to all of you but just in case that is horspower at the rear wheels–not the flywheel–which is how all manufacturers report their horsepower figures. All cars lose approximately 16% of their horsepower from the flywheel (where the clutch engages at the transmission) to the rear wheels (where the rubber hits the road so to speak.).

    That means, for example that my Cobra currently produces something like 560 horsepower. Hardly enough for my pusher.

    In case you’re wondering, this upgrade would cost me about $4,500.00. Its quite the deal for over 150 more HP. Classically you paid about $1000.00 for every 10 HP but that was before the age of modular engines and computer-controlled engine management.

    The Germans make you pay far more for every ounce of power.

    To make their schadenfreude more delicious, perhaps?

    Alas, car candy is equally lethal in any flavor.

    I am telling my pusher “nein.”

  • Road trip munchies

    Owing to the tremendous response I received to my previous post “Granola,” it seems a further disucssion of mobile foodstuffs is merited.

    In my previous post, I decried the propensity of talk radio hosts to demean various foodstuffs and I signled out granola.

    I must admit that in the intervening years between colllege and the present my mobile diet has changed for the better. I believe my pallete two years ago (I am fudging the numbers here, must mean I am getting old) was less discerning than it is today. On the other hand, this could have something to do with the explosion of upscale Whole Foods-type supermarkets in the areas that I do most of my driving. I always hoped there would come a day when I’d say bye-bye to Little Debbies, but I had no idea it would happen so soon.

    Today, I am proud to admit that on my drives between Denver and Minneapolis (about fourteen hours) my car is stocked with Granola bars and Smart Waters which I consume at an alarming pace. So alarming, in fact, that no advantage has so far accrued to my expanding waistline. If anything I have put on more weight. I tell myself that its complex carbs that will eventually be turned into muscle but I wonder.

    Maybe the talk show hosts are on to something.

  • granola

    I have a confession to make. I incessantly channel surf while driving; often to the detriment of other drivers.

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    I also have this sign in my window because the giant SUV that I inherited when my companies merged is always black and shinny and designed to make other drivers feel inadequate.

    Things did not used to be this way. In fact, about a decade ago, before the dawn of polarized politics (so they say) on the airwaves I’d pretty much leave my radio at one channel. Today its nothing but a steady stream of derision and sensationalism from one end of the dial to the next.

    But I am not here to carp about radio.

    I would instead like to rehabilitate a small nutritional item that does not deserve the vilifaction it receives on radio (right wing in particular). I am talking about granola.

    Recently a heard a right-of-the-dial radio announcer comment that she would get back to her listeners after removing “a piece of granola from her throat.”

    Surgically, I am not sure what she meant. Sarcastically however this represented yet another attempt at demeaning a certain cereal substance that is nothing but good for you.

    (let me get back to this…I am choking on a small piece of bloodless bacon prepared by the Hersuit Monks of Mendota…seriously…bought it at the organic farmers market yester…)

  • In thrust you will trust

    I was asked to contribute to this blog due to a fear that cars are losing their manliness.

    Before you go all Angela Dworkin on me here let me make it clear that women can be manly. In fact, I know many women who are far more manly than men, the late Ms. Dworkin included. The most manly woman in history may well be CoCo Channel who said that in life there is work and then there is “passion” and no other time.

    Therefore when people talk about manly cars they are really talking about automobiles that are passionately engineered. They are cars that remain slightly irresponsible. They are describing cars that if properly anthromophosized would eschew “Mommy Politics” and probably vote for the late Harry Browne.

    The manly car is governed excusively by the laws of locomotion. Not convention (unless to defy it). And never by an opinion greater than than one.

    If you have ridden in a Countach, for example, you cannot even see the car in back of you (where other cars will remain). If you have ridden shotgun in a “real street” Chevelle on a drag strip, you will see nothing, except, perhaps, God.

    Best of all, with hybrid technology you can now drive a hybrid as fast as a petrol-powered vehicle with far more fuel efficiency. Lexus is ahead of the curve on this one with their 430 HT. While the car lacks a visceral punch, it shows what can be done. Fortunately Carrol Shelby, creator of the most manly car in history (that would be the 427 Cobra), is working on a similar type of car.

    Which all leads me to say that people can lose their fears about the manly car being led to extinction. Just keep reading The Road Rake, have faith, and remember that in thurst you must trust.