The Rake Magazine

Author: Rich Goldsmith

  • Minnesota: Card Carrying Member of the Mile High Club

    After $761 million in public financing in the early
    nineties, countless broken promises to workers, unions, legislators, and the
    inane poke to the rectum that is the price of the Northwest
    SmartSnack    , Minnesota’s favorite dysfunctional relationship is over.
    Sure, it was great to throw our international hub status in the faces of those
    who would dare deem us flyover country. And surely the fascinating articles on
    Minnesota cities and landmarks featured in NWA WorldTraveler
    brought hordes of screaming tourists to our fair state and raised the profile
    of Forest
    Lake     on the world stage. The tax revenue didn’t hurt either.

    But we paid dearly for these perks. For no matter how many
    times the airline took advantage of our willingness to bend over, we never once
    got a reacharound.
    And make no mistake, the announced acquisition of Northwest Airlines by Delta
    is no exception.

    Many are calling this move a merger. I call bullshit. Delta
    is paying $3.1 billion for Northwest, the company is going to be called Delta,
    and the headquarters is going to be located in Atlanta. This shouldn’t strike
    anyone with a functioning neuron as a merger of equals. Of course, this isn’t
    such a horrible thing for the companies. By trimming operations, marketing, and
    executive staff, not to mention logistics, at various airports, the company
    gets to continue to do business in a remarkably inefficient way – continuing
    the holding action the airlines have been running for the last decade as they
    try to cope with the economic realities of the modern world.

    That’s what this merger is about. Two large airlines, both
    in fairly weak positions coming off bankruptcy, recognizing that being bigger
    would allow them to continue the status quo for a few more years before the
    economy and their own stultifying cultures and abject idiocy brings them
    inevitably to the conclusion that the only way to survive and cover the rising
    cost of jet fuel is to sell "executive
    services    " in WorldClub lounges.

    But what does this mean for Minnesota? In the short term,
    we’re getting buggered again, sans lube. Northwest HQ will leave town, along
    with the high paying jobs and tax revenues that accompany it. The newly merged
    company will have a conversation with our esteemed governor to discuss how it
    can adhere to the "spirit" of its agreements with the state and much noise will
    be made about the obvious benefits of whatever agreement is made to release the
    company from its obligations – maybe we’ll take flying unicorns instead of
    planes, and the in-flight drink service will include MDMA cocktails, making for
    the happiest red-eye in aviation history.

    Regardless, Minnesota’s grand tradition of being boned by
    business will, of course, preclude taking payment on the $245 million in
    bonding money the airline technically would owe the state for pulling the
    headquarters out of the state.

    Of course, Northwest leaving would present more opportunity
    should our government show some huevos and take away some of the preferred
    provider status the airline enjoys at MSP. For years, Northwest has rabidly
    turned away competition at the airport by undercutting competitor pricing and
    locking up three quarters of the gates at the Lindbergh Terminal. With
    concessions from the uber-line, we could have real competition in the market.
    Southwest and JetBlue might actually set up shop here, thus dropping average
    fares for Minnesotans. Because sure, we have service to 160 cities, but on
    average it costs us $60 more per ticket to get to any of them, according to a
    University of California, Berkeley study.

    But given how many times our government has rolled over and
    wet itself in the face of pressure from business interests, I’d say das
    uber-line will be happily gouging Minnesotans for Cancun vacations until we
    rise up in a grand populist rebellion, or until they realize what kind of
    margins Ashley
    Alexandra Dupre     could bring to the WorldClubs.

     

     

     

  • Happy Fun Friday: Hamas Edition

    As snowbirds throughout the southern half of the country
    point and laugh maniacally at the spawn they left behind in this wintry
    hell     known as Minnesota,
    we turn our attention to warmer climes. No, not Eldorado, Texas,
    where, until recently, polygamy was alive and far
    too pug fucking ugly     and insecure to land anything but a harem full of nigh-prepubescent
    brides. Nor France,
    where President Nicolas Sarkozy enjoys the $91,000
    view     every morning on his way to do battle with
    pirates    .

    No, the warmer climes in question are those of the promised
    land. While Iraqi insurgents and terrorist groups are promising upstarts in the
    world of suicide vests and improvised explosives, Hamas – the original
    jihadists – throw 72
    virgin parties like no others    . What’s more, the promise of such a party is quickly
    becoming the gold standard for sex ed in Gaza
    schools, where Hamas has complete control of public services – including the
    education system. While elsewhere in the Palestinian territories, as well as
    other countries in the Muslim world, children get an education grounded in
    science, math, and reading, kids in Gaza
    get the extremist full-court press.

    So this Happy Fun Friday, gentle reader, I bring you the virtual
    experience of a Gaza schoolboy, happily practicing suicide runs and being
    indoctrinated in the nonsensical ways of the martyr whilst Israeli attack
    choppers hover overhead and ground forces "engage targets of opportunity". But
    best of all kids, race home to beat curfew, pour yourself a big bowl of cereal
    and plant yourself on the couch to Tomorrow’s Pioneers – award-winning Hamas
    programming that teaches children the beauty of martyrdom. When Elmo blew himself up for
    the glory of Allah     I was moved to tears.

    Of course, I’m sure when these kids grow up, they’ll see
    that the Western world actually wants nothing but the best for them and won’t
    remember anything the Dane devouring bunny taught them. But hell, the Israelis are embedding
    psychotropic drugs in latkes to ensure their children grow up to be killing machines,
    so fair is fair.

  • Paris's Secret Shame

    The world’s attention is currently focused on the 130 day
    around the world relay taken by the Olympic torch. The attention, of course, stems not from the spectacle of a highway built up the side of Mount Everest for the torch-bearer to climb in May, nor from the touching traditional display of Olympic unity that is the message of the worldwide torch relay. Instead, the real story has been the protests and anger surrounding the "Journey of Harmony," most recently in San Francisco.

    But amidst the talk of China’s human rights violations, of brutal crackdowns in Tibet,
    of abysmal
    pollution and air quality     and concerns over whether China will have enough imperial consorts to satisfy the world’s athletes, one bizarre facet of this situation has been overlooked. Cops…on rollerblades.

    Yes, this quintessentially Minnesotan conveyance has made
    its way across the Atlantic to become a vital part of the Parisian police
    force. While this peculiar development makes the footage of protesters clashing with police at home and abroad at least moderately more palatable, it’s hard enough to maintain respect for those poor officers of the peace who pull bike duty, despite their magnificently toned quadriceps. Add in rollerblades and the result is a cop who can’t move as fast as a bike, lacks a stable platform from which to perform beatings and fire a pistol, and isn’t allowed inside most retail outlets.

    Plus, these cops speak French. As all the world knows,
    French is an excellent language for bedding nubile naïve college-age women backpacking across Europe, but isn’t nearly as effective at inspiring compliance or respect. This, of course, raises the picture to a ridiculous new level.

    To be fair though, given the health benefits of rollerblading, it’s a picture of a Frenchman with spectacular calves.

  • The Unlubricated Hand of Government Intervenes Again

    The status quo is almost always a warm, comforting feeling.
    No matter how often people complain about Minnesota’s
    interminable winters    , or Cyndy Brucato’s mummy-like visage
    staring soullessly from KSTP evening newscasts, eternally hungering for the
    blood of Amy
    Hockert    , they would still be profoundly disturbed these constants were
    suddenly stripped from their lives.

    This is why our fair state, Democrats, Republicans and
    disinterested bystanders alike, should take comfort in the fact that the
    legislative and executive branches of our government have once again
    demonstrated that the grand tradition of willfully and maliciously idiotic
    governance is alive and well in Saint Paul. Perhaps a winged unicorn floated
    down from the heavens to convince legislators that they could easily pass a $925
    billion bonding bill through the governor’s office when they had already vomited forth
    approximately $293 million in bonding for transportation projects and the
    University of Minnesota bioscience initiative – for a grand total of about $1.2
    billion in bonding – far more than the 3 percent of the state’s revenue that
    has been the rule for so many years. This profligate spending not only
    endangers the state’s credit rating, but it will likely bring a plague of lesbian biker gangs down upon the state.
    Lesbian biker gangs are wont to frequent locales of questionable taste and
    credit, after all.

    Compounding this circus of stupidity was Gov. Pawlenty, his
    eyes alight with the fire of ineptitude, wielding his veto pen with the
    judicious approach normally associated with crack-addled nymphomanical
    squirrels. With but a stroke of red ink, away goes the gorilla habitat at the
    Como Zoo – those damn dirty apes should expect nothing but the same great gobs
    of crap they fling at zoo-goers. A simple slash to funding for those savages in
    Red Lake – how dare they expect help from
    the state in the form of a loan to the school district! And a quick twitch of
    the wrist spells a monumental "fuck you" to the DFL controlled metro area,
    where the Central Corridor, a project Gov. Pawlenty has been on board with, loses
    the $70 million in bonding earmarked for it.

    Now, I’m against excessive bondage as much as the next guy.
    And the legislature obviously expected to bend over for a severe spanking after
    being warned repeatedly by Pawlenty that exceeding the $825 million level would
    bring justice as swift and as sure as the Hulkster has 22" pythons – for lo,
    Gov. Pawlenty doth bring the thunder. But the cuts to the Central Corridor
    light rail line funding are baffling on the surface. Even more so because this
    loss of funding jeopardizes the $400 million federal dollars for the line. No
    federal funding means no rail line, since Minnesota can’t afford new toys all by
    itself, and Tim seems insistent on taking
    his and going home    .

    There are, of course, any number of people crediting
    Pawlenty with political genius, saying that with time left in the legislative
    session, an agreement can be hammered out to save light rail. That the governor
    made a strong statement aimed at bringing the pure cold light of reality to an
    out of control group of legislators. In reality, rather than making sensible
    cuts to get the budget down to a level he deems reasonable, according
    to Senate research    , he seems to have vindictively targeted DFL controlled
    districts for his cuts. 98 percent of the budget cuts came from DFL districts.
    And while the taut buttocks of the state’s volleyball players will suffer
    little from the loss of a planned addition to the National Volleyball Center in
    Rochester, the cut to the Central Corridor is an unwelcome visitor to the much-vaunted
    nethers of Minnesota we call the metro area.

    Luckily, our politicians have, over time, inured us to the
    bizarre sensations that accompany these unwelcome visitors. For what would Minnesota be without the
    cold, unlubricated hand of government intruding in parts unknown and heretofore unexplored?

  • Stupid Sex

    Sex is the great equalizer, for does not the rich man
    conduct his doggy-style in much the same way as the poor man? Granted, the rich
    man conducts his to the tune of $5,000 per
    night     while the poor man’s might’ve cost him a bottle of Strawberry Hill at
    the liquor store down the block, but in the end, both situations result in
    guttural noises and a tattered
    web of ego-salving lies    .

    But there’s a dark side to the equalizing power of sex.
    Minnesota may be the 13th smartest state, according to the last
    round of the Smartest State Awards, but once the subtle, nigh ultrasonic
    rustling sound of frilly underwear hitting the floor causes blood to rush south
    to engorge parts unknown and the sheets are stained with fesenjoon,
    we’re every bit as willfully, soul-crushingly stupid as Arizona, #50 on the
    list. As a result, the occurrence of sexually transmitted diseases has risen
    steadily in Minnesota, since as far back as 1996.

    Now, to be fair, it’s quite possible that Minnesotans strip
    down and make like crack-addled bunnies significantly more often than your
    average Arizonan, especially given that our fair state goes for approximately
    six months without seeing sun nor experiencing warmth, so it’s natural for us
    to seek solace and body heat in mind-numbing
    bacchanalia    . But that’s no excuse for a nearly four percent gain in cases
    of syphilis, chlamydia, and gonorrhea in just the last year. And of course,
    that doesn’t include the rampant crabs, trichomoniasis, genital HPV infection
    and other assorted cooties generally associated with icky
    boys    .

    There’s plenty of blame to go around for the fact that
    double bagging it will soon be standard practice when picking up moderately
    attractive drunks     in front of the Lone Tree Bar downtown. We’ll start with
    the modern-day Pandora’s box that is the state government, of course. A paltry
    $1.3 million in state funding was proposed for STD screening and public
    education in the legislature. Of course, in these days of instant
    gratification, the funding was cut. $1.3 million is too much to spend on a
    program that would likely take a few years to return the investment in the form
    of healthier babies, reduced cancer rates, and a dramatic drop in Nietzsche-esque
    insanity and sibling lust     – a condition HMOs are often loathe to cover.
    Plus, think of the horrific janitorial costs as thousands of men shift
    uncomfortably, attempting vainly to hit the urinal whilst their collective
    crotches are on fire.

    There are certainly other reasons for this steady decline in
    pubic health. These include:

    • pediatricians and family doctors
      reluctant to talk with their patients about sexual health for fear
      of finding out just how the lollipops handed out after each visit are
      truly used by oversexed teenagers,
    • abstinence-only
      sex education programs – because preventing kids from learning about how
      to protect themselves in the event they want to bang their way through the
      cheerleading squad/football team/woodwind section of the school orchestra
      seemed like such a good idea at the time

    The
    bottom line is that half of high school seniors and more than 75 percent of
    college students in Minnesota are happily humping their way through their
    academic careers, and many of them think that love is all the antibiotic they
    need. That’s not even mentioning the staggering fact that 25
    percent of girls 14-19     in the U.S. have an STD. A problem with this scope
    may require a bit more than good intentions, a subscription to Penthouse and
    the occasional call to DTMFA from Dan Savage.

    To put an even finer point on it, before he started
    gnawing on the furniture and frothing at the mouth (but after he started
    chasing his sister’s skirt), Mr. Nietzsche said that, "…if a woman seeks
    education, it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning."
    Given that we’re inexorably headed toward a day when the entire state
    experiences a burning
    sensation when it pees    , it may be wise to offer the education before the
    girls, or boys, have a chance to request it.

  • Fiscal Lubrication

    For those of you lulled into complacency by auspicious
    recent events such as Britney’s brief
    flirtation     with lucidity, it’s important to note that, not only is the
    entertainment industry still pumping out fucking loons
    at a heretofore unheard of pace, but our politicians are providing ample
    evidence of a world view so profoundly divorced from reality that it’s likely
    only a matter of a few short days until Gov. Pawlenty declares "Blame it on the
    Rain"     our state song and Speaker of the House Margaret Kelliher declares her
    undying love for Michelle Bachmann’s fabulously taut ass. In other words, take
    heed, Minnesota denizens, for the Oh Shit meter has gone from a subdued puce to
    an alarming ochre.

    And what has triggered these dire portents? What could
    possibly be serving as the harbinger for yet another pending apocalypse? The
    answer is disarmingly, deceptively simple – nothing more, or less, than the
    overwhelming demonstration of the profound stupidity endemic to all levels of
    our representative democracy.

    These portents have appeared at a furious pace as of late. John McCain’s assertion that Purim is
    the Jewish Halloween    , thus disappointing a highly influential voting block
    as they continue a hallowed tradition of offering a big "Fuck you" to yet
    another culture that tried to annihilate them, was only the beginning. And Dick
    Cheney’s apparent pleasure at providing a big
    "Fuck you"     to the American public as polls indicated two-thirds of
    Americans disapprove of the war in Iraq was just a cherry on top of the mountain of asshattery displayed whilst our policy-makers grandstand and
    pontificate on how best to take advantage of the economic reaming the average
    American feels
    they are about to receive    .

    To address the assembled citizenry’s fervent desire for
    fiscal lubricants to ease the anticipated pain, Obama and Clinton
    have released their economic stimulus and oversight plans. McCain, of course,
    is standing pat, toeing the GOP line as he has for the last few years and
    stating that the check going out to taxpayers in May, not to mention the tax
    breaks for businesses that will surely convince them to invest in added
    infrastructure while consumers aren’t buying anything, is plenty to arouse the
    economy and stimulate a good old-fashioned consumer orgy.

    What baffles me, however, is that the plans put forth by
    these august candidates are, for the most part, predicated on becoming
    president despite all three having plenty of legislative power. And since statistically, recessions are generally over within a year to a
    year and a half, meaning any fiscal policy levied after scoring the presidency
    won’t take effect until January of 2009. Much like downing the morning after
    pill nine months after the condom breaks, that’s long after it could possibly
    do any good.

    Then you might think to yourself, "At least our local
    legislators, staunch realists like Marty Seifert and the Iron Range’s Tom "The
    Sex Hog" Saxhaug, are carefully balancing Minnesotan needs against the harsh
    reality of the budget deficit threatening our government services and
    benefits". If you were harboring such thoughts, you may want to relieve
    yourself of them via repeated
    blows to the cranium     with a blunt object, since you’d be laughably wrong. To
    address the state’s approximately $1 billion deficit, GOP legislators offered a program
    of cuts to higher education, dips into the state’s rainy day fund, and
    bizarrely, a token tax cut to make Minnesotans feel better about the panty raid
    Gov. Pawlenty proposed on the state’s health care access fund and budget reserves. DFLers universally
    derided the deficit fix, calling the proposal shortsighted and damaging. House
    Majority Leader Tony Sertich went so far as to say, "Everyone knows people from
    Eagan are twats. And Tim Pawlenty is a twat among twats. The alpha and the omega of twats, if you will."

    One might imagine the DFL, after such an ideological salvo,
    would come back with a solution to the state’s budget woes. A solution that
    would salvage programs to salve the economic doldrums afflicting our state’s
    citizens whilst securing Minnesota’s solvency for the biennium and beyond.
    Sadly, it seems we’ll sooner see Michelle Bachmann in an Amsterdam donkey show
    than have a budget proposal that actually addresses the real issues facing the
    state. The budget that the DFL’s greatest financial minds came back with dips
    even further into the rainy day fund. And while the $23 million in extra
    education spending is nice, the proposal doesn’t provide any details on the
    program cuts necessary to cover that spending. Nor did they make any attempt at ensuring solvency in the next biennium. Much like the Pawlenty
    administration and inflation, reality and the DFL have never quite meshed.

    Frighteningly enough, the group we must look toward for
    fundamental change in our fiscal policy is the Bush administration. They’ve
    bailed out Bear Stearns despite outcry from left and right, thus avoiding a
    repeat of the market crash that triggered the Great Depression. And we’ve
    already seen some small changes – allowing the Federal Reserve and treasury
    some additional oversight of investment houses and mortgage originators. But
    more meaningful changes, changes that will allow the hand of government to wrap
    itself around the balls of America’s financial system and give a great tug when
    necessary are not yet forthcoming. Can an administration that has spent the vast
    majority of its time in Washington on a ranch in Crawford, TX or up its own ass
    aggressively move to create meaningful legislation? Can a man whose sole method of
    reassuring the public that the economy is in good hands consists of letting us all know
    the government worked over the weekend     actually trigger substantive change?

    Yeah, I know. We’re fucked. But I, for one, welcome our new
    Chinese overlords, and will enjoy receiving the benevolent treatment afforded
    all China’s provinces    .

     

     

  • Last Tango for the Cul-de-Sac of Love

    The Minneapolis-Saint Paul Craig’s List is a colder and more
    lonely place these days as foreclosures reach a feverish pace in otherwise
    sleepy places like Anoka County.
    Cul-de-sacs once buzzing with activity and excitement now lie fallow. Residents
    no longer stumble, drunk in hedonistic delight, from house to house, relieving boredom and ennui with the
    aid of wives, friends and longtime acquaintances in true bacchanalian tradition.
    No longer will promotions be celebrated with swing parties of legendary
    proportions, catered by P.F.
    Chang’s     and lubricated with the unholy trinity of Franzia boxed merlot,
    Leinie’s Honey Weiss, and industrial-sized tubs of AstroGlide on these subdued
    side streets. Reality has come crashing down in Maple Grove and points north,
    south, east and west, not in unwanted pregnancy or odd burning and itching
    sensations, but in the fuzzy math of adjustable rate mortgages and the American
    dream stretched too thin.

    Traditionally bastions of stability, fiscal solvency, and late-night
    Cinemax-style     extra-marital hijinks, nearly 57 percent of foreclosures are
    now taking place in the suburbs. Anoka County alone accounted for 190
    foreclosures in January. So where will these stricken swingers live? Will they
    venture bravely forth into the city they fled, seeking low rents and a more
    diverse group to foist pasty white love handles and a bottle of Reunite on?

    If they do, they stand to be disappointed. The foreclosure
    crisis has left a legacy of awesome ice flows
    in suburban townhomes and ramblers, but in some neighborhoods of Minneapolis,
    the housing boom lured investors to take on project homes, renting them out
    until they could sell them at a profit. Of course, many of those same investors
    had all the home improvement and property management skills of an inbred ground sloth,
    and were twice as likely to spend their time quaffing low-end lambrusco in Maple Grove
    trying to get better acquainted with the ladies of Target’s merchandising
    division as they were to maintain their properties. And after the bank foreclosed? Lenders have a habit of studiously ignoring properties, making them breeding
    grounds for squatters, thieves and R.T.
    Rybak    , among other undesirables. As a result, the Greater Metropolitan
    Housing Corporation estimates as much as a third of north Minneapolis’
    foreclosed housing stock should be razed. And while I loves me some wanton
    destruction, that won’t leave much room for the looming wave of homeless Anoka
    libertines.

    Of course, there’s a simple solution at hand. The Minneapolis city
    council is now backing extended NRP funding,
    with two options currently on the table. Should either proposal pass, these
    funds could be used to create new zones on the North Side, loosely based on
    Gov. Pawlenty’s now defunct JOBZ program.
    These areas would be called Beneficial Lateral Orientation Job Opportunity
    Building Zones (BLO JOBZ). These zones would be used to cheaply resettle the
    suburban refugees looking for homes with a minimum of disruption to the region.

    BLO JOBZ would assist in the gentrification of
    the North Side, as well as provide a soft landing for these happily humping bon vivants, who would likely be willing to work to improve the housing stock in
    the neighborhoods. Plus, if all goes well, as the newly displaced suburban
    population settles in the designated zones and gets friendly with their
    neighbors, a new era of racial and ethnic understanding could be reached through BLO JOBZ.
    Truly, a visionary program.

  • Happy Fun Friday!

    It’s Friday, and like that girl you had in the backseat of
    your dad’s Buick back in ’82, Spring just ain’t giving up the goods. And while
    the putrid grey color of today’s sky and frozen water the clouds vomit
    forth inch by cursed inch may bode well for today’s opening of the new North Face store in Uptown, it may
    well drive many in our fair state to crack open a bottle of Jameson and toast
    to today’s freezing over of the Nine Hells.

    Now, women
    in fleece and quilted coats     turn me on as much as the next guy, but does
    the melting of the polar ice caps really have to signal warmer weather and
    coastal living for everyone but the masochistic souls of the Upper Midwest? Do
    we not deserve some warmth when we’ve been subjected to a winter of arctic air,
    partisan bickering, and a plague of douchebags?

    In any case, while it’d be much more effective to offer
    everyone in the Twin Cities metro area free pharmaceutical-grade opiates,
    instead, we of The Defenestrator bring you Happy Fun Fridays – a new
    potentially regular feature straight from the land of make-believe and unicorns
    meant to bring you, our valued reader, the joy that is so profoundly and
    painfully missing from your life.

    So dry your tears, stop touching your outer child
    inappropriately and get in touch with your inner child as you play the Obama:
    Race for the White House     game! Think Obama is a hypocritical, albeit
    charismatic, opportunist? Then you’ll be thrilled to offer universal health care
    as America’s favorite battle-axe in Hillary:
    Race for the White House    ! Or perhaps you’re a geriophile
    with a firm belief that we’re winning the war in Iraq? Then relive the glory
    days of the war with a little Baghdad
    Bowling.

    Or maybe you’re tired and just need some sunshine in your
    life and some help figuring out what you want for dinner tonight. Well, before
    there was Obama Girl, there were bikini-clad cooking tips from the superheroine herself.

     

    Obama Girl Cooking Tips

     

    So dry your tears and take heart that even though
    today’s weather and the state of our legislature is evidence that God doesn’t love you,
    you’ve got a friend at The Rake.

  • Readin', Writin', and Ninjutsu

    Like the stealthy shinobi, Secretary of
    Education Margaret Spellings slipped in and out of Saint Paul yesterday,
    accomplishing her mission with a minimum of bloodshed and outcry from those
    who would oppose her     in carrying out the quest laid upon her by her daimyo.
    Few recognized her shadowy presence, overshadowed as it was with news of racially-charged
    electoral rhetoric, newly appointed slutty
    governors    , and medical
    incompetence     of nigh-mythical proportions.

    Spellings’ quest is, of course, to stump for George W. Bush’s
    premier education program, No Child Left Behind
    (NCLB), which has been up for renewal since September 30. Her stop in St.
    Paul yesterday, complete with Pawlenty photo opp, concerned her decision to
    allow some states to make modifications in how schools are penalized for not
    making "adequate yearly progress". According to Spellings, the modifications
    are intended to allow states to differentiate between schools that are barely
    missing benchmarks and those that are dramatically underperforming on a
    year-to-year basis. Strangely, no mention was made of providing the money
    promised by Washington to fund the testing required by NCLB.

    Spellings’ speech emphasized that this new flexibility would
    not come at the price of accountability. Punctuated as it was by the secretary
    brandishing her gleaming ninja-to
    and threats to send her shadowy clan of kunoichi to "encourage"
    adequate yearly progress from the nonconforming and recalcitrant school
    districts not living up to the administration’s lofty standards, many in the
    Washington offered their confidence that these measures would make a monumental
    difference in closing the education gap.

    Oddly, Minnesota isn’t one of the states eligible to
    participate in the pilot program. Minnesota has yet to secure approval for the alternative
    exams developed for English language learners, so won’t be able to participate
    in the program. DFL lawmakers seized upon this opportunity to question why the
    secretary chose to come to Minnesota at all if the state wouldn’t be reaping
    the benefits of the Department of Education’s enlightened new policy –
    wondering if, in fact, this was all just a way to bring attention to Norm
    Coleman’s campaign for reelection. Given the nature of the news, this was
    unlikely at best. Regardless, Spellings quickly silenced these voices of
    dissent with a torrent
    of shuriken before vanishing into the quickly fading twilight, as ninjas are wont to do.

    Despite these modifications, which are intended to address
    one of the primary complaints about NCLB – namely that a school that doesn’t
    make adequate yearly progress gets bent over, sans lube, regardless of how
    close or far from the mark they hit – Congress and the Department of Education
    are unlikely to come to any significant agreement on renewing NCLB in the near
    future. The upcoming presidential election makes it even more likely Congress
    will sit on its collective arse expressing shock that baseball players would
    stoop so low as to take steroids, all the while informing the public on how
    hard it’s working to come to an agreement that "…will serve the best interests
    of the children. My god, won’t you think of the children?" Clearly our
    legislature has our best
    interests     at heart.

    Once we reach the end of the interminable two-year slog
    known as the modern election season, our elected representatives in Washington
    may stop wetting themselves every time a significant policy decision needs to
    be made long enough to create meaningful legislation. As a result, the act is very likely to be modified heavily, or even
    disappear altogether, after the election. Obama and McCain both want to modify
    the act heavily, and despite voting to put NCLB in place originally, Hillary
    Clinton is the only candidate who has stated she’ll put an end to the act,
    though she hasn’t yet provided a plan to replace the accountability measures
    many have agreed are good for several of the groups struggling with the
    achievement gap.

    And if that prognosis spawns an odd feeling in the pit
    of your stomach that feels remarkably like hope for the future, there no reason for concern. You can rest easy in the near certainty that the
    next administration, whoever may lead it, will almost certainly put an asinine,
    overpriced and ill-advised education policy in place that makes the reaming our
    schools have received under NCLB look like a threeway with Strawberry Shortcake
    and Rainbow Brite.
    Then again, Strawberry Shortcake turned out to be quite the tramp.

  • Making Coeds Cry

    Like Jabba the Hutt, whose only purpose was to give George
    Lucas an excuse to put Princess
    Leia in a slave bikini    , this year’s $1 billion budget deficit seems only to
    exist to further divide a legislature already spoiling for a fight. And much
    like the epic struggle between Empire and the Rebellion, the battles are pretty
    damn fun to watch, but the fallout is pretty painful for
    those affected by the proposed cuts.

    Now, there are any number of groups making their case to the
    legislature, whining and mewling like the drunken
    babies Arne Carlson is trying to preserve funding for     as the state
    government digs deep for beer money. And while it’s tempting to sit back and
    laugh at the knee-jerk responses that treat the former governor as if he were
    just another political opponent running for office, accusing him of supporting
    tax increases and questioning the size of his genitalia, there are more
    important things at stake here.

    Among many others, our state’s system of universities is particularly hard hit
    under the proposed budget cuts and faces having $54 million
    summarily hacked from its coffers. $27 million of this money will come directly
    from the U. University of Minnesota President Robert Bruininks has stated that
    such cuts could well raise tuition, reduce the university’s ability to invest
    in research and technology, and force the University Extension Service to start
    selling the primo weed the master
    gardeners have been growing (for purely medical purposes) to cover expenses.

    Strangely, the response to these issues was to call the
    university fat, and accuse it of carrying too
    much dead weight in the administration    , saying that dropping a few pounds
    would do it some good. Now, the state government would seem to not have much
    room to talk in that regard, but rather than comparing one group’s Rikki Lake
    to another’s Kirstie Allie, we can do some quick and dirty analysis. Ohio
    State, a Big 10 school much like the U and roughly on par in terms of student
    population, had expenditures of more than $4 billion last fiscal year. The U,
    in comparison, is operating with around $2.5 billion. OSU, of course, charges
    nearly $6,000 per year for tuition at the least, while the U charts in about
    $1,300 less and is already falling behind in research rankings. So maybe further
    starving Ms. Lake isn’t wise. She looks thin enough as it is.

    Of course, the true victims here are the coeds of the
    university system. Everyone knows the hale and hearty Minnesotan male will be
    able to hunt food to
    survive     when tuition rises and they’re no longer able to afford a quality
    education. However, the gentle females of our fair state, still in need of an
    education to survive, will turn to stripping and prostitution to pay their
    tuition and buy enough beer to make sleeping with the males left at the
    university moderately palatable. They will flood the Warehouse District in
    competition for the limited funds available in our economic downturn and lure
    our congressional leaders into sensibly priced motel room trysts — because charging Emperor’s Club prices just wouldn’t be right for a nice Lutheran girl.

    With this phenomenon will come inevitable moral and economic
    decay, our great cities deteriorating until we’ve become nothing more than a
    poor man’s Amsterdam – albeit with shitty mass transit and more difficult
    access to quality recreational pharmaceuticals. $54 million seems a small price
    to pay to avoid such a fate.

    Just as disturbing is the potential assault on the
    criminal justice system. $11.9 million of the proposed $16.52 million in public
    safety cuts is aimed directly at reductions in budgets for courts and public
    defenders. The right to a fair trial is quickly sauntering toward a brutal slaughter.

    Caseloads are at an all-time high for the state’s public
    defenders – sitting at twice the ABA’s standards. Now, when the Board of Public
    Defense was already looking at a deficit of $2.1 million dollars, the proposed
    cuts put them even further in the hole – at $4.8 million. And since the office
    has already instituted a hiring freeze and cut administrative staff, all that’s
    left is lawyers. According to the Talmud, that’s one of the portents of the
    coming apocalypse.

    Now, in the case of an apocalypse, tradition says the
    moral few would be whisked away    . But those of left behind may still be
    thinking that our public defenders will be so harried we may see more criminals
    put away. But along with that possibility comes longer waits for trials, so the
    accused are out on the streets longer. Not to mention the increased chance of
    success on appeal, mistrials, and other assorted legal entertainments of the
    sort most Minnesotans have heretofore only enjoyed whilst watching omnipresent Law & Order reruns on
    TBS.

    Now, these are dire predictions, to be sure. But take heart,
    fellow tundra-dwellers. The DFL majority in the legislature is eager to score
    points with you by restoring quality legal services and ensuring our state’s
    ample population of drunken coeds give it away to drunken frat boys, not
    well-heeled legislators like the Sex
    Hog    . Just do your best to ignore their attempts at raising taxes to pay for
    all of it.

    Or, like me, you can just pray for a robot
    uprising    .