Category: Article

  • Survival of the Fattest

    Dr. Charles Billington divides his obese patients into two distinctly different groups: those who have choices, and those who don’t.
    “Demographically, we know that people in lower socioeconomic areas are greatly, disproportionately affected by obesity,” he says. “Folks in those lower-economic, lower-education situations have little or no access to whole foods. They also have a lack of options.”

    A tall, lean, full-bearded man, Billington is laconic, more like a North Dakota farmer than a famous research doc. “When it comes to entertainment and reward, people with more money can go to the theater or to concerts; but the lower you go on the socioeconomic scale, the more important eating becomes relative to other affordable activities. We in the privileged class can join a gym, whereas lower-income people who want to exercise will probably end up at a community center, where there isn’t much. What it boils down to is this: Highly educated people with money tend to know how to change their lives. But people from a lower income and education bracket often feel a lack of self-efficacy, which means they feel like they have less ability to affect their own situation.”

    In other words, it’s not simply the lack of grocery stores full of affordable fresh produce and whole foods that makes it harder for poor, inner-city residents to stay fit (though this remains a significant factor). It’s also lack of empowerment: Poor people have been conditioned to accept their circumstances—which all too often include growing fatter with every passing year. Billington is working to change that.

    As an endocrinologist, a professor of medicine at the University of Minnesota, the team leader of the obesity program at the Minneapolis VA Medical Center, associate director of the Minnesota Obesity Center, and a nationally recognized expert on weight-related disease, there’s no question that Billington has an impressive track record. What makes it even more so is that he was warned early on (he is now fifty-four) that his chosen career path was a dead end.

    Thirty years ago, when he graduated from medical school, Minnesota’s obesity rate was less than ten percent and “real” doctors didn’t think of obesity as an important area of study. Medicine had perfected drug therapies for treating chronic weight-related illnesses such as type 2 diabetes. When then-young Dr. Billington began telling his diabetic patients to reduce their body mass through diet and exercise rather than simply inject more insulin, he was branded a bit of a nut.

    Today, however, his concerns are shared by leaders from the National Institutes of Health and the American Medical Association. More than twenty-three percent of Minnesotans are now considered obese (that is, they have a body mass index greater than thirty), and nationally—especially in urban, low-income, Southern communities—it’s ticking even higher. The rise in obesity has caused a subsequent surge in everything from high blood pressure, heart disease, and sleep apnea to arthritis, non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver, gallstones, infertility, incontinence, and certain kinds of cancer. On top of that, approximately twenty million Americans now have type 2 diabetes. The problem has officials in sectors ranging from public health to education to government casting about wildly for answers, coming up with some that appear to be taken directly from Lord of the Flies. For example, legislators in Mississippi, which has the highest rate of obesity in the U.S. at 29.5 percent of residents, actually drafted a bill earlier this year that will—if it is passed—make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese people.

    The problem, Billington says, is that he and his colleagues spent decades trying to develop pharmaceutical and surgical solutions to type 2 diabetes and obesity. Now, however, the problem is too pervasive for that.

    “We thought twenty years ago, and I still think now, that the key mechanisms are in the brain,” he says. “But that idea normally is interpreted as the need to find a drug that would allow us to control appetite or metabolism. I no longer think this will be the answer, because at this point about seventy percent of the American population is overweight or obese and that means a drug as the primary strategy would be fantastically expensive.”

    Instead, Billington advises his patients to cook at home as often as possible. He helps them find ways to obtain fresh, wholesome ingredients, tells them to avoid fast food, and teaches them about NEAT: non-exercise activity thermogenesis.

    The theory behind NEAT, which was developed at the Mayo Clinic, is that people with so-called “fast metabolisms” burn up to a thousand calories a day through spontaneous movement, such as fidgeting, pacing, and gesturing. But these things are governed both by genes and by girth. The fact is that heavier people move less than skinny ones, probably because their bodies have settled into stasis due to weight—it requires greater effort to move their bodies around. Studies show they sit an average of a hundred and fifty more minutes each day than people of normal weight. So Billington is training his patients, one by one, to twitch.

    He admits, however, that the problem goes well beyond basic health care. Obesity is the natural outcome of a world in which foods that are cheap and plentiful are also calorie-rich and processed.

    “Evolution dictates that we seek out energy-dense foods,” says Billington. “And it’s not just humans. Rats like them, dogs like them. All God’s creatures do. It’s a matter of survival—there are biological cues telling us to get calories when we can. But now we have access to energy-dense foods all day, every day, in the gas station and the break room at work. Their value biologically hasn’t diminished; in fact, it’s been enhanced by repeated exposure. People are just doing what their bodies tell them to.”

    When caring for patients who do have means and options, Billington makes two additional recommendations. He likes Volumetrics, the diet plan conceived by Barbara Rolls (a Ph.D. nutritionist from Penn State) that advises people to eat satisfying portions of low-density foods, such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. The caveat, of course, is that these foods tend to be more expensive and quicker to spoil than Hormel cold cuts and Hostess pies.

    “Rolls is the only diet book author I know who bases her writing on actual evidence,” he says. “Her theory is that you can train yourself to choose whole foods, and on average they will be low-density. The truth is, people who are doing well with their weight tend to eat quite a large volume of food, but it’s all of very high quality.”

    An at-home chef who used to belong to a local gourmet dining club, Billington also advises his patients who can afford to dine out to choose places such as Meritage and Heartland, rather than steak houses or high-end restaurants where the entrées are swimming in butter or cream.

    “Heartland is a perfect example of the way people should be eating,” he says. “The food is really good, of extremely high quality, and the vegetables are often the star of the plate. There is protein—which is an obligatory dietary requirement—but the portions aren’t huge. People tend to feel satisfied with this sort of meal.”

    But that doesn’t solve the problem for people who cannot afford to shop at the Wedge or pay fifty dollars per person for dinner. Even educating people and telling them to avoid French fries and convenience store burritos won’t help those most at risk.

    “If you learn to cook and you live in south Minneapolis, you can eat pretty well for not a lot of money,” says Billington. “But if you’re living in north Minneapolis and your only option is the local market because you don’t have a car, you’re not going to be able to eat well. We tend to frame this as an in
    dividual choice, but for a very large number of people it’s not. Rampant obesity is, in this sense, simply an outcome of poverty.”

  • Other Fish in the Sea

    We seem to be in the midst of sushi mania. Two new restaurants—Seven and Musashi—opened recently, barely a block apart on Hennepin Avenue, which means that downtown Minneapolis now boasts at least a dozen sushi outlets. (The others; Koyi, Nami, Origami, Martini Blu, Wasabi, Ichiban, a sushi counter at Macy’s Marketplace, Zen Box, and two Tensuke Sushi locations.)

    Raw fish is making new inroads into the neighborhoods as well, with Bagu at 48th and Chicago, and Obento-ya at 15th and Como. In St. Paul, the Korean restaurant KumGangSan recently added Sushi World to its name and installed a sushi bar and lunch buffet, following the lead of King’s Korean in Fridley. As the central cities get saturated with raw fish, new outposts of sushi open up in far-flung Woodbury, Maple Grove, Apple Valley, and Edina.

    The tidbits of vinegared rice and seafood are everywhere these days—in supermarket delis, Chinese all-you-can-eat buffets, and even on giant party trays at Costco. But as sushi has made the passage from sophisticated and exotic delicacy to mass-market merchandise, something has gotten lost in translation. Most of the local sushi restaurants have little connection to Japan: The owners of Kikugawa, Musashi, Wasabi, and Mount Fuji (the last in Maple Grove) are Chinese; the owners of Koyi Sushi, Bagu, and Zushiya (the last also in Maple Grove) are Thai; and the sushi chefs themselves are from all over (but rarely from Japan). The food may look and taste the same—indeed, most local sushi restaurants serve the same varieties of fish and seafood, purchased from the same suppliers—but the little rituals that are part of the traditional sushi experience are missing.

    So how do you go beyond the ordinary and find something more interesting, and less generic, than the stuff that’s offered on every sushi menu in town? You ask for it. In Japanese, the word is omakase, which translates roughly as “I am putting myself in your hands” or as we might say here, “chef’s choice.”

    My top choice among the new sushi restaurants is Giapponese Sushi in Woodbury. When I asked for omakase, chef-owner Henry Chan immediately understood my request, and proceeded to serve up a delightful series of courses: raw scallop, Tasmanian salmon, halibut rolled in a thin ribbon of cucumber, a whole small mackerel presented as sashimi, and a roll of tempura shrimp and avocado topped with tuna.

    Chan, who grew up in Wisconsin, recently moved here from Eau Claire, where he owns the town’s only sushi bar, the Shanghai Bistro. He clearly has a passion for sushi, and listening to him, he sounds truly committed to bringing in the best quality and most interesting varieties he can find. The selection is still pretty limited, but he says that as his sales volume grows, he will be adding more varieties. He sends an email to customers when he has something unusual to offer, like houbou (blue fin sea robin) from the Tsujiki fish market in Tokyo; to be added to his mailing list, send him an email at twinscroll@gmail.com.

    I’d also return to Giapponese Sushi to try the Kobe beef steaks—a sixteen-ounce, bone-in New York strip and a fourteen-ounce rib eye are each $55. This isn’t the original Kobe beef from Japan, where the cattle are massaged daily and fed rations of beer, but it’s the same breed, Wagyu, reportedly with a lot more marbling than even USDA Prime. Chan gets his beef from a friend who has a herd of Wagyu near Augusta, Wisconsin. While $55 for a steak sounds pretty steep, compared to what other restaurants charge, it’s a bargain. Locally, Cosmos has imported Japanese Kobe beef on its menu for $17 an ounce (which works out to $272 for a sixteen-ounce steak), and even that’s a steal compared to Craftsteak in Las Vegas. There, you’ll pay $105 for a fourteen-ounce American Wagyu rib eye, $184 for an eight-ounce Australian Wagyu rib eye, and $240 for an 8-ounce Japanese Wagyu steak (yes, that’s $480 a pound).

    Next stop, Musashi in downtown Minneapolis. I asked for omakase, and the sushi chef gave me a puzzled look. “Teppanyaki?” he asked—or something that sounded like that. (They have teppanyaki tables in back.)

    “No,” I said. “Omakase.”

    “We don’t have that.”

    Just then, a second sushi chef, Noua, overheard our conversation and stepped in: “I can do that. How many courses do you want? How much do you want to spend? Four courses? Five?”

    We never did agree on a price, but a series of off-the-menu dishes began to arrive, starting with a pair of martini glasses filled with chunks of raw tuna and salmon with thin slices of cucumber in a soy marinade. At the bottom of each glass was a fake ice cube with a little blinking light that changed colors from blue to green. (Actually, mine was stuck on blue.)

    Round two was four pieces of raw salmon wrapped around spears of fresh mango, partially cooked with a blowtorch, served over leaves of aromatic Japanese chrysanthemum. The decorative centerpiece was another light-cube, flashing red, blue, and green, buried under a pile of shredded daikon. Then came a seafood medley covered in a spicy mayonnaise the color of Thousand Island dressing, dappled with orange flying fish roe. The flashing ice cube made its final appearance in round four, alongside four little rice balls wrapped in eel and white tuna. This was, the sushi chef informed us, “French-style sushi.”

    I have never seen anything like it in France, but the phrase rang a bell. French-style sushi is also how the Chinese chefs at Mt. Fuji in Maple Grove described their neon DayGlo fantasies on the theme of sushi, festooned with red, green, orange, and black flying fish roe.

    “Are you all from China?” I asked the Musashi chefs. “We’re from Asia,” sushi chef No. 3 offered, helpfully. “Not me,” shouted Noua, in perfect English. “I’m from St. Paul.”

    Overall, some of the off-the-menu omakase dishes were pretty good, some of it was just okay, and mostly it was kind of weird. I did see a lot of “normal” sushi come out of the sushi bar while we were dining, and it looked the same as it does everywhere else.

    The most stylish of the new entries in the sushi sweepstakes is Seven, on the second floor of the new r.Norman’s steak house at Seventh and Hennepin. The sushi counter is translucent marble, and white-curtained columns throughout the sushi bar and lounge bathe the otherwise dim space in diffuse colored light that cycles through shades of blue, red, and green—sort of like the fake ice cubes at Musashi, but on a grander scale.

    Seven’s menu offers an impressive selection of sakes and a fairly standard assortment of sushi. I wanted to order omakase, but quickly discovered that omakase is already offered on the menu. We chose the sushi-for-two ($40): the chef’s choice of two specialty rolls and ten pieces of “sushi grade” nigiri sushi.

    Omakase is a chance for a sushi chef to show some imagination and creativity, but this time around what we got was generic versions of the most popular sushi available: a tempura roll, a spicy tuna roll, and two pieces each of shrimp, tuna, salmon, yellowtail, and flounder. Our waitress mostly ignored us, as did our sushi chef.

    Last stop: Obento-ya Japanese Bistro, a little storefront with a low-budget décor that suggests the minimalist aesthetic of Japanese interior design. The owners are a young American-born husband and his Japanese-born wife, and the place just feels more Japanese than most of the glitzier places around town. I splurged and ordered the most expensive item on the menu, the deluxe sushi bento ($12.95), which included six pieces of nigiri sushi and a California roll, plus green salad, Japanese potato salad, sautéed burdock, little wedges of Japanese omelet, and miso soup.

    The sushi turned out to be pretty standard, but the rest of the menu is more impressive. First of all, it’s really cheap—most of the basic ben
    to boxes are under $8, and udon and soba noodle soups are $4.95-$6.50. Second, there are a variety of traditional Japanese dishes that you can’t find at most of the other places—not just the variety of bento boxes and the noodle soups, but also a big selection of robata—skewers of meat, fish, or seafood, grilled or deep-fried ($1.50-$4.50 à la carte). The only thing that was missing was wine, beer, or sake, but I am told that should be fixed by the time this story is published.

    Giapponese Sushi, 10060 Citywalk Drive, Woodbury; 651-578-7777;
    www.giapponesesushi.com

    Musashi, 533 Hennepin Ave. S., Minneapolis; 612-332-8772
    Seven Sushi Ultralounge, 700 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis; 612-238-7777; www.7mpls.com

    Obento-ya Japanese Bistro, 1510 Como Ave. S.E., Minneapolis; 612-331-1432;
    www.obento-ya.com

  • Austin Hall’s Playlist

    Austin Hall’s hands have been viewed more than 14,040,442 times. But really, who’s counting? YouTube, the website where Hall’s video Daft Hands—Harder, Better, Faster Stronger got over 3,000,000 hits in its first couple months of play. The video, which showcases Hall’s extreme dexterity, is a self-choreographed hand jive performed to the Daft Punk song referenced in the title. Like the best pop culture phenomena, the Carleton College sophomore stumbled into the limelight quite by accident. He opted to make the three-minute forty-second film last spring instead of studying for a final history exam. Needless to say, he failed the exam, but got an A+ in YouTube notoriety: The video won a spot on Time magazine’s “Top 10 Viral Videos” list and a nomination for “Favorite User-Generated Video” at the 2007 People’s Choice Awards, and Hall himself performed on the Ellen DeGeneres Show. Daft Hands even made history in less than a year on the net, ranking fifteenth on someone’s YouTube list of favorite music videos of all time! In a world where Heidi Klum’s legs are insured for a million dollars a pop, we suspect it’s time Hall considered a similar policy; he should at least take better care of his cuticles. Before heading to New York to rub elbows with other YouTube celebrities at the website’s national convention, Hall made a list of YouTube videos whose makers would leave him starstruck—this month, at least.

    1. “Japanese Toilet Training for Kids(with English subtitles)
    In a hilarious jingle about bodily functions, a tiger sings about overcoming toilet training to become the infamous PANTSMAN! No, I don’t know what that means, either.

    2. “Amateur” by Lasse Gjertsen
    This guy can’t play either the piano or drums, but using the magic of editing, he manages to make a pretty rockin’ song.

    3. “Weird Japanese Video
    Another Japanese treat, this exercise video teaches women how to handle a mugger.

    4. “Just 2 Guyz
    Two kids, one party, and a killer original tune, all about having fun when you have no other friends.

    5. “El Cumbanchero
    An eight- and ten-year-old play a surprisingly great rendition of “El Cumbanchero” in their living room. They duet on guitar and mandolin much better than my younger siblings ever could (not that they ever could).

    6. “Daxflame BEAT” by Daxflame
    Daxflame is famous as a video diarist (check out “BerniceJuachTalk”), but he’s really a musician at heart.

    7. “Stairway to Heaven” by The Beatnix
    This Beatles cover band plays “Stairway to Heaven” as the Beatles—the early Beatles—would have written it. It’s pretty catchy, and they made an effort to make the video look forty-some years old.

    8. “Thriller” (original upload)
    A group of 1,500 Filipino inmates performs the dance to the Michael Jackson hit. They are surprisingly well-choreographed despite being a big army of prisoners.

    9. “Internet People!” by The Meth Minute 39
    This is a montage about internet fads. I would’ve ranked it higher, but I’m mad they forgot to include me.

  • Creep Show Couture

    “Do you ladies sew?” asked Rae Lundquist, a five-foot, fifty-something with a confident manner and long, silvering brown hair falling past her waist. Lundquist serves as costume director of MarsCon, a sci-fi convention that celebrates its tenth anniversary this month. As part of her duties, she had organized an educational field trip for her fellow costumiers. Interested parties were instructed to gather at the top deck of the Bloomington Holiday Inn Select parking ramp on the Sunday morning following last November’s MarsCon Masquerade Ball. From there, Lundquist (a.k.a. The Dreamstitcher) would lead a caravan twenty-five miles north. “I’ll show you the real place to shop in the Twin Cities,” she continued, leaning into the assembled (one man, three women) with a map. “The Guthrie shops there; Theatre in the Round shops there … A few years ago we found some brick-red wool gabardine there—perfect for Starfleet costumes!”

    A total of five cars set forth on the expedition. After navigating a maze of freeway, frontage road, and office complexes, everyone arrived safely at their destination: an ugly beige warehouse in Brooklyn Park with red block lettering that read: SR HAR IS (the sign was missing its second R). Arriving ten minutes in advance of the store’s noon opening, the costumiers joined a small crowd of mothers and young children who’d left the warmth of their minivans to wait near the front door. Lundquist, who’d shown up wearing black jeans, a floor-length denim trench coat, and a T-shirt advertising Serenity, the 2005 space-western flick, took the opportunity to socialize. Overhearing what a young mother had come in search of, she was her usual helpful self: “Corduroy—that’s aisles seventeen and eighteen.”

    Once inside, Lundquist, obviously a regular, loitered near the cash registers for about twenty minutes. A young woman with long black hair and a powdered white face approached with her copy of Hellsing, a manga series concerning zombies, werewolves, and ghouls. Opening to a bookmarked page, she revealed her costume concept—a female character in a tight black bodysuit with all manner of bandaging (think fashionable straitjacket). The young woman indicated she was leaning toward pleather. Lundquist was quick to counter: “You’re going to die in pleather!” she said, and directed the woman to the store’s twill selection, in aisles nineteen and twenty.

    Another costumier—a nice fellow with salt-and-pepper hair—said he planned to construct a Fellowship cloak, the costume popularized by Lord of the Rings. Lundquist suggested “a lightweight, almost see-through wool,” which, she said, might be found in or about aisle fifteen.

    After a while, the crew ambled to a far, back corner of the store. Once there, Lundquist seized upon a bolt of wool/alpaca. “I can see hobbit cloaks out of that,” she offered, pinching the fabric and then rubbing it with her fingers. “But it’s still a little rough.”

    As the party perused the floor-to-ceiling selection, Lundquist camped out near an end-cap and, from there, dispensed additional nuggets of wisdom: “You know what works well for armor slats?” she said, seemingly for the benefit of the male costumier. “Venetian blinds!” For the young woman, Lundquist had a suggestion for achieving that spiky, gravity-defying Pokémon-style hair: “Glue.”

    On a typical Sunday morning, SR Harris offers outsiders a microcosmic peek inside the local rag trade: The theatrical costume designers have come to look for billowing satins and acetates, fashion designers for jersey, and Hmong families for bargain remnants. Lundquist ran into three women from the Northwest Company Fur Post in Pine City (she costumes historic reenactments on the side). Joy Teiken, the woman behind the Minneapolis-based Joynoëlle line of couture, gave a wink while strutting past. Later, when the high-fashion designer of custom menswear Russell Bourrienne was introduced to Lundquist, she responded with her usual zeal: “Oh, I should send my son your way! He’s hard to fit.”

    Lundquist then proceeded to offer an impassioned discourse on the youngest generation of costumiers (usually anime enthusiasts) who have taken up sewing. Upon hearing this, Bourrienne’s eyes widened. “Yes, it’s very different,” he said nasally, in between titters.

    As the costumiers finished their shopping, Lundquist killed time by sharing a series of observations on the more technical aspects of her job; for example: “Anime people love zippers” and “That’s the one thing I can’t stand about superheroes—they have no pockets!” Soon enough, the male costumier reappeared with that perfect bolt of translucent gray linen. The Goth woman checked back shortly thereafter. Her cart was heaped with notions and black fabric but, before she was through, she had one more important question. “Is this good thread?” she asked, proffering a spool. (After all, that labyrinthine costume of hers would require serious reinforcements.) Lundquist gave it a yank and then, handing it back, pronounced, “Yeah, that’s buttonhole thread.”

  • Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

    Sally Strle was showering in her house in Virginia, Minnesota, when the vision appeared in her mind: an open Bible with the words Rest On His Word scrolled on the pages and a pillow adorned with Catholic art and scripture.

    “I could see the beautiful pictures, even the phrase ‘Rest On His Word’ there, and I knew that God was calling me to do this business,” recalls Sally, fifty-four, a full-time mother and grandmother.

    She hopped out of the shower that June day in 2005, and, at seven o’clock in the morning, called her older sister, Barb Johnston, to share the news about her God-given business plan: Catholic-themed pillowcases. Within two months, the sisters had found a place that sells Catholic artwork in California, had nailed down a digital printer and contacts with a pillowcase manufacturer, and were ironing and packaging hundreds of pillowcases in Barb’s tiny brown-sided house off Minnetonka Boulevard in St. Louis Park. “Oh, it was just absolute madness,” recalls Barb, sixty, an ESL teacher. “We had five ironing boards set up, our sister Bonnie was cutting ribbon, Peggy was messing with the packaging, and I think we went through thirty dozen pillowcases that day.”

    They set up a website and dipped their toes into a $4.63 billion-dollar Christian retail industry that traffics in books, Bibles, and sacramentals, as well as all manner of Christ-themed accessories and products for even the most secular of challenges, right down to bad breath and fitness fatigue. Christians no longer have to settle for Altoids, Aquafina, and Luna Bars; they can pop in a Testamint, chug a bottle of Formula J’, or grab a Bible Bar on the run (fortified with the seven “good” foods in Deuteronomy 8:8—wheat, barley, honey, figs, olive oil, grapes, and pomegranates.)

    And, as it turns out, God has a pretty good ear for marketing, because Rest On His Word pillowcases turned out to be a hit, and the sisters have been receiving more than a thousand orders per year from Texas and California, to Ontario and New Jersey. One enthusiastic woman in Green Bay, Wisconsin, started using the twenty-dollar pillowcases as a Catholic school fundraiser. Another group inquired about selling Rest On His Word in Hungary, and several people have asked for the Our Lady of Guadalupe pillowcases in Spanish (the sisters are on it).

    Then the stories started to come in. They heard about a young girl who didn’t feel so scared going to sleep because she knew the saint printed on her pillow was going to protect her. They heard about a Canadian homeschooler who gave a pillowcase to the “atheist” boy next door, who cried and asked his parents if he could be a Christian. Barb gets teary-eyed when she talks about the daughter and father who slept on identical “Guardian Angel” pillowcases while Dad was stationed in Kuwait.

    “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve shown a pillowcase to someone and they’ve just started crying,” says Sally. “You can see the presence of God when you see the artwork on the pillowcase.”

    But perhaps the biggest change has been felt by the sisters, who say they have been validated in their faith like never before. Sally was once a lackadaisical Catholic, and now goes to mass every day. Barb reverted to her childhood faith from Lutheranism, her late husband’s faith, and says, “Since we’ve started the business, I’ve just never been more in love with Catholicism.”

    In the few years since founding Rest On His Word, Sally’s family has traveled to the Holy Land, and Sally went to pray with a stigmatist in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Barb and Sally traveled to Medjugorje in Bosnia and Hercegovina to see the shrine where apparitions of Mary have been reported. While there they absorbed the indigenous Christian products economy, stocking up on Our Lady of Medjugorje medals and rosaries. But they imparted little blessings from America, too: The sisters left behind Rest On His Word pillowcases at a Hercegovinian addict’s shelter and an orphanage.
    —Alyssa Ford

  • “We Can’t Really Control it Yet.”

    Johnson is our name, cheering is our game!” The chants of a cheerleading squad echoed faintly inside Colin Denis’s classroom one winter afternoon at John A. Johnson High School in St. Paul’s inner-city Payne-Phalen neighborhood. Denis, looking the very epitome of a high-school science teacher with his wispy hair, thick glasses, and lab coat, collected papers from two lingering students. “OK,” Denis told them, “now I’ll take you down to see the robot.” The girls giggled with excitement.

    On that afternoon in early February, the robot was sprawled, as yet unnamed and entirely immobile, on a table in the school’s basement woodshop. The robot consisted of a square metal chassis measuring about two feet per side. Casters on each corner kept the robot stable, while four wheels near the center of the chassis were powered by a battery just a bit smaller than one you’d find under the hood of a minivan. There were plans for the robot to acquire arms and other useful accoutrements, but that day—with just two weeks remaining before the completion deadline—its creators were still grappling with more fundamental design challenges. “It’s my plan to drive it around the lunch room,” said Denis, “but we can’t really control it yet. It could hurt someone.”

    Later this month, the fully mobile—and, it’s hoped, fully controllable—robot will join more than fifty others at an Upper Midwest regional event, competing with other robots to push balls around a track. If things go well, Johnson High’s robot could move on to the national FIRST (For Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology) Robotics Competition. The nonprofit FIRST, founded in 1989 by Dean Kamen, the inventor best known for his Segway Personal Transporter, aims to inspire students to enter science and technology fields.

    Corporate grants pay for each team to receive a basic kit of components for a remote-controlled robot—but it’s nothing like a Snaptite model. It took weeks of work for several Johnson students to design and cut specialized aluminum parts, wire a remote-control device with two joysticks, and program the robot’s simple brain to respond to commands by spinning its wheels in the desired direction. “It’s been exciting,” said Mano Nhul, a spiky-haired senior wearing a necktie only semi-ironically. “Well, at least since we got the robot to move.”


    The FIRST program has grown quickly in recent years, so most of the teams competing at the upcoming regional competition—to be held at the University of Minnesota the last weekend in March—are first-timers. Many, including the Johnson High team, have had to reconcile themselves to the fact that they’ll be up against experienced teams with vastly more resources. “We’re trying to do metal work in a woodshop,” observed Walter Pearson, a retired 3M engineer who serves as a volunteer advisor for the team. Bob Hart, an IBM retiree who’s another volunteer, added, “In engineering, you’re supposed to determine your need and design a part to do the job. Here, we have to do it backwards—find a part and then make it fit.”

    But the Johnson students are quick studies. On that February afternoon, Hart was teaching senior Belik Pha how to use engineering software to design a cover plate for the robot. (Pearson was also able to arrange for some custom parts to be built at the 3M machine shop.) At the next terminal, Pha’s teammate Lao Vang was writing a program in the computer language C. “He’s had to learn C from scratch,” noted Denis. “That’s like telling someone to learn Urdu in two weeks.”

    In the woodshop, senior Jeremy Gould was working with Pearson to cut a part to size. “This aluminum is like butter,” Pearson muttered approvingly as Gould sawed away. Gould, a burly young man with an unflappable, plainspoken demeanor, is all too familiar with the competition his team faces: He attended the two statewide events that inaugurated this season’s competition. There, experienced teams from places like Edina and Prior Lake showed up with dozens of members in matching shirts, reminiscing fondly about chanting their team numbers in Roman numerals and raising funds by auctioning dates with team members. At one event, veterans from the Edina team told new participants that they should plan to raise several thousand dollars (“at an absolute minimum”) to fund expenses like extra parts for their robot—each team is allowed to spend up to $3,500 on parts beyond those in the basic kit, and some teams go so far as to build two robots so they have one to practice with. The nine-member Johnson High team hadn’t had time to hold any fundraisers, write chants, or print T-shirts—let alone set up a website with a news feed on their progress, as many teams have—but Gould, who made bumpers for the robot by cutting up flotation noodles, was proud nonetheless. “We can get something together,” he said with confidence. “We’ll show them that we can compete.”

    Denis was pleased that the robotics program had engaged some of Johnson’s more academically accomplished students; he had been inspired to support the founding of the team after colleagues at other schools teased him that Johnson students had a reputation for excellence in brawn rather than brain. “Belik has already completed her graduation requirements, and she’s taking classes at the U of M. Why should she stick around here at all? This gives kids like her something to come here for.”

    Most of this year’s team members are seniors, but Denis and his colleagues are already making plans for next year, when the team will be based at St. Paul College’s fully equipped metal shop. As for what’s to come in ’08, Gould was asked for his thoughts as he stoically extracted a screw (Pearson had advised him to re-insert it from the opposite direction). “It’ll be interesting,” he said.

  • Simulated Madness

    Who could forget the game last December when Douglas Stewart, the low-scoring walk-on from Minneapolis, stepped out from the shadows of his all-conference teammates to lead the Annapolis Fightin’ Crabs to a national championship?

    You’re forgiven if you don’t follow the defending champs; they don’t, alas, exist in the realm people persist in calling the “real world,” but rather as data warriors in the complex alternate universe that is SimulatedSports.com College Basketball.

    It’s a world that lurches to life every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at the stroke of a keyboard, and to the flesh-and-blood coaches who guide the teams, its reality is corroborated by the hours they spend poring over play-by-plays, box scores, individual statistics, and the high school recruits that are the virtual game’s future. Take your pick: SimSports is a community, an extended metaphor, a reason to get up in the morning or stay up late into the night.

    The free online game, created in 1999 by SmartAcre LLC, is not a typical fantasy league; instead of using the stats generated by real-world collegiate hoops stars, the coaches playing SimulatedSports basketball recruit and coach randomly named players with computer-generated attributes.

    There is no actual on-court action, only static data posted to web pages. Games are viewed as box scores or play-by-play accounts (“D. Watson passes to M. Williams”). Of the dozens of pages detailing team statistics, players’ strengths, league standings, top performers, game strategy, and much more, only a few are interactive. Coaches set pre-game lineups and strategy through drop-down menus, and likewise apply points toward next season’s preferred recruits. Yet out of the numbers leap beloved players, future stars, bitter rivalries, miraculous victories, and another grueling March Madness-style tournament every nine weeks.

    It’s a pretty decent and entertaining simulation of real college basketball, but with better team names: Santa Fe Steaming Toads, Jackson Five, Amarillo Needs Women, Olympia Dukakis, Erie Coincidence, Twin Falls Hurt Twice.

    My own Boston Stranglers have hovered near the top of their league for a half-dozen seasons now, but have never quite managed to go all the way. That failure certainly can’t be attributed to lack of effort. I spend hours each week checking scores, adjusting lineups, scouting opponents, and browsing the ranks of high school recruits to build my dynasty.

    I’ve logged in at work, coached from Palm Pilots and public library computer terminals, from internet cafes in Mexican mountain towns and Garifuna villages in Belize. On my recent three-week honeymoon, I didn’t miss a game. What can I say? Addiction is a high-maintenance mistress.

    And I’m not the only junkie. According to Todd Nevin, who runs the game from his Baltimore home, in between his job as a programmer and his kids’ real-life Little League games, of the more than 4,600 teams in eighteen leagues, 4,035 have active human coaches (the computer runs the others). While coaches can buy credits (with small amounts of real money) to enhance their recruiting, that income covers costs but is “not nearly enough to make it my full-time job,” says Nevin.

    Coaches hail from as far away as Europe, Australia, and Japan, and include servicemen stationed overseas. “It sure helps to relieve the stress of war,” wrote one (who continued to coach while deployed in Iraq) in response to the questions I posted on the league’s very active message board.

    The online responses revealed the strength of the game’s grip on its devotees. One coach admitted spending twenty hours a week on the site; another coaches twenty-four teams at one time. Some use Excel spreadsheets and formulas to track statistics and gain an edge on opponents and recruiting. Computer programmers make their own custom-written game viewers and other software to track every imaginable aspect of each contest.

    As addictions go, SimulatedSports is a relatively benign one. Even so, not everyone understands it. “They definitely don’t get it but are happy I don’t do other drugs,” wrote one coach of his loved ones.

    Another said he’d used the game as “an escape from a marriage that had gone very wrong … I absolutely immersed myself in [the game] … I knew everything about every team in the league. The game actually helped me in some way get through a very difficult time in my life.”

    Others relish the real-life relationships formed through the message boards and, of course, the spirit of competition. Those champion Fightin’ Crabs are coached by a guy I introduced to the game, a Minneapolis IT professional who wouldn’t let me use his name because, he said, “people will make fun of me.” In less than a year and a half, he’s racked up a hundred and twenty-eight wins and forty-nine losses, two Final Four appearances and a league championship. After four years, I’m still waiting to win it all, but I continue to take no small pleasure in beating him.

    One local coach, who called the game his “dirty little secret,” recently walked away, discarding his Syracuse Lords A’Leaping (and four other teams) like so many unsmoked cigarettes. He claimed the habit wasn’t hard to kick, but it’s not like he went cold turkey. “I do spend a lot of time on the Xbox 360 now,” he said.

  • Stupid Is as Stupid Does

    A story appeared in The New York Times on Valentine’s Day with the headline “Dumb and Dumber: Are Americans Hostile to Knowledge?” It cited several recent books that bemoan America’s seeming self-satisfaction in the knowledge, that, well, we don’t need no knowledge, ’cause we’re Amurricans.

    I don’t think that’s the case. I think we don’t need no knowledge because, by golly, there’s money to be made on two fronts: We can sell stuff to stupid people; and we can sell stupid itself.

    Let’s look at the evidence of my first premise: George W. Bush, whom I like to refer to as President Forrest Gump. I’m not necessarily implying that President Bush is stupid, because I don’t think he is stupid. I actually think he’d make a great contestant on that TV show, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? I bet, for example, he knows more about the content of your phone conversations than you do.

    I like to call him Forrest Gump because Forrest Gump beat out Pulp Fiction for the Academy Award for Best Picture of 1994, just like Bush beat Gore for president in 2000, and for the same reason. He won because Americans prefer the world of Forrest Gump. It’s violent, complex and unfair, but can be successfully navigated the same way Forrest did. After all, life is just like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get nougat, sometimes you get caramel, and sometimes you get Vietnam, AIDS, or global warming.

    Americans can swallow anything.

    I certainly don’t buy the rest of the world’s assessment of Americans as exemplified in the London Daily Mirror headline the day after Bush beat Kerry in 2004. It read: “How can 59,054,087 people be so dumb?” First, I ask, If we’re so dumb, how can we count that high (Ohio notwithstanding)? And second, does re-electing Bush make us seem any dumber as a nation than collectively spending over $250 million to see the last Ben Stiller movie?

    Which brings me to my second point. We need to do a better job selling stupid to the rest of the world. Stiller’s Night at the Museum did over $320 million in foreign sales, granted. (It was hurt by the bad weather in Slovenia on opening weekend or it would have made a few thousand tolers more.) Since we can’t sell Escalades in countries where urban streets are about as wide as two donkeys (and, I might add, gas has to be paid for in hard currency like the euro) the only commercial advantage left to us is to sell stupid in Europe and Asia. (I’m sure we’ll make more economic inroads in Africa when more Africans stop obsessing over the whole subsistence farming economic model and get digital cable like the rest of us.)

    I don’t even have to go back to Jerry Lewis’s inexplicable popularity in France to make my point. I’m not even counting President Gump’s backrub of German Chancellor Angela Merkel or his duel with the locked door in Beijing. I’m talking “commercialized” dumb. You know: YouTube’s dogs on skateboards or any movie starring Will Ferrell. Face it, we’re leaving a lot of Will Ferrell money on the international table.

    Americans spent $150 million watching Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, but it only did about $10 million in revenue overseas. Now, this is a movie that could have a lot of appeal for foreigners. First there’s the whole stock car thing, which foreigners think is pretty funny. (“Zut alors! Look at those guys driving around in a big circle when they could be actually displaying the ability to do something other than turn left and bump each other.”) When you throw in Ferrell running off the track in his tighty whities pretending to be on fire, well, it just doesn’t get any funnier than that.

    But, like I said, it seems the only reason that movie showed overseas at all is so the Chinese could bootleg the DVDs and sell them back to us on New York sidewalks for two bucks.

    For some reason foreigners haven’t yet developed a taste for stupid movies any more than they have for our foreign policy, unless of course the movie is Titanic. Titanic did over a billion dollars overseas, which I’m going to guess happened because they do have a taste for movies about rich Americans who die while stoically drinking expensive French brandy.

    So, I have a possible solution to at least part of our balance-of-payments problem. As I write this, President Gump is touring Africa, and since it would only be the Japanese and Chinese who would profit if he were touting HDTVs while doing so, I propose that he do his diplomatic mission, and also throw in a little plug for America’s No. 1 export. Instead of acting like Forrest Gump at the closing press conference, he could do some sample Will Ferrell imitations for the assembled cameras.

    From all reports, he’s really good at it.

  • Let’s Pity-Party!

    A girlfriend of mine just suffered a pretty bad breakup. So I did what I could. I took her out for the Colleen Kruse Pity Party (patent pending). A proper Pity Party begins with the sixty-minute Walk/Cry. I have found that it is best not to talk at all during the Walk/Cry. An hour of ambling in silence is much more theatrically poignant. It’s a cleansing ritual, similar to a Scientology birth.

    When the Walk/Cry is finished, a few supplies should be at hand: fuzzy blankets to hide under, a couch long enough for two to sit facing one another, and a decent cabernet, for its spiritually numbing goodness. Also any salted and fried food product, plus maybe some Smokehouse almonds, must be part of your triage kit. Crying plus alcohol depletes sodium levels in the body.

    By the time the two of you are settled on the couch, everything you need should be in place (don’t forget Kleenex, bottled water, dark chocolate, the remote for the stereo, and the phone). Also—this part is very important—HIDE HER PHONE. Now the talking can begin. I don’t like to give my pals any advice during the first forty-eight hours of any romantic trauma. I find it is better to bleed all of the poison out of them. My strategy is to keep eye contact and bear witness to their sorrow, leeching as much misery from them as I can before the famed 20/20 hindsight kicks in and they recall each excruciating moment of betrayal. Once the anger sets in, you will be so happy you remembered to HIDE HER PHONE. And she will thank you. Later.

    After forty-eight hours, it’s time for one bit of hard-earned wisdom. If your heart is broken, nothing will fix it but time. Friends can ease the pain, being active and bawling your eyes out will get the dopamine moving in your bloodstream again, and a binge of French fries and vino won’t hurt. But Lord help any woman who gets herself a haircut within one month of a bad breakup.

    I’ve been there. Am I a cutter? Yes. I am the former queen of self-inflicted bangs. It starts out a little bit here, a little bit there just to even it up. And then before you know it Girl, Interrupted is crazily staring back at you through the medicine cabinet looking-glass saying, “Ha! I look like a whole new woman! HaHaHaHa! Won’t he be sorry!” Trust me, you will not make an ex-lover rue the day he lost you if, when he runs into you on Nicollet Mall, you’re sporting a matted skullcap of choppy, multi-colored cowlicks. He might say something noncommittal, like “Wow, you got a new haircut!” (hint: acknowledgement is not a compliment), but as soon as he’s twenty feet away he’ll be heaving a sigh of relief.

    Once the wild dingo of self-flagellation has eaten your bangs, then you’ll have to wait out both your heartache plus an ill-timed hairdon’t. The most extreme example of this last year was Britney Spears. Let’s recap!

    Crazy Britney walks into a hair salon in Tarzana, California. She sits down in a chair and asks the stylist (also the owner of the salon) to shave her head. The stylist is horrified and refuses. Crazy Britney calmly takes the shaver out of its holster and begins to shave her own head. Oh, and she is laughing and crying the whole time. Thirty minutes after shaving her head, she stops laughing but continues crying and ends up text messaging her ex, pleading with him to come back to her. These messages later get mysteriously forwarded to the tabloid press. (WHY DIDN’T ANYONE HIDE HER PHONE?) After that, she goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a cross inked on the inside of her lower lip.

    I give Pity Parties to friends for free. Watching the whole Britney thing unfold last year, I realized Hollywood would be the perfect place to hone my skills as a comforter to celebrities in crisis. If I could get my hands on Britney, I’d bet anything that, within a year, they’d all be speaking in hushed tones when I walked into the Ivy. “Is that her?” “Yes. She’s the Britney Whisperer.”

    It’s a niche market, I know. My parties also work for job loss and pet death. But there’s almost nothing you can do about a really bad haircut.

     

  • Fashioning a Movement

    To highlight our semi-annual selection of new fashion, we turned to a population that—let’s face it, unfair as it seems—looks delightful no matter what they’re wearing. Our models are four dance students at the University of Minnesota and their choreographer (who moonlights as The Rake’s stylist); we captured them during a rehearsal at the Barbara Barker Center for Dance on the Minneapolis campus. For the occasion, they donned an array of relaxed sheaths, stretch cotton pieces, and free-flowing mesh, plus splashes of bright prints—all trends to look forward to for the warm season.

    Spring Ahead

    Dancers at the University of Minnesota jump-start the season by flaunting all manner of fluid, warm-weather fashions, from high-waisted shorts and rompers to flirty strapless dresses.

    Luke Olson-Elm, a senior-year dance major, wears a key look for men: the shockingly bright necktie.

    Shirt by Tailorbyrd,
    $98.50 at Hubert White.
    Tie by Robert Halbott,
    $98 at Hubert White.
    Pants, dancer’s own.

     

    Perfect Balance

    Our sharply dressed dancers stand in formation, from left to right:
    choreographer/stylist Janine Ersfeld, Luke Olson-Elm, junior-year dance majors Julia Winkels and Yui Kanzawa, and senior-year English major/dance minor Teresa Tjepkes.

    On Ersfeld:
    Dress by Sweat Pea,
    $106 at Karma.
    Golden sash,
    stylist’s own.

    On Winkels:
    Tube top, stylist’s own.
    Shorts by House of Henry, $62 at Picky Girl.
    Cross necklace by
    Le Glitz, $54 at Picky Girl.

    On Kanzawa:
    Romper by Covet,
    $160 at Picky Girl.
    Canvas and leather belt by Le Glitz,
    $48 at Picky Girl.
    Jeweled velvet headband by Jane Tran, $36 at Karma.

    On Tjepkes:
    Dress by KAS Design, $69 (on clearance)
    at Karma.
    Turquoise necklace
    by Princess Mali,
    $325 at Karma.

     

    A Bold Move

    Tjepkes plays up the pink in a chic mesh top that’s plenty comfy to boot.

    Shirt by Weston Wear, $98 at Karma.
    Cross necklace by Le Glitz,
    $54 at Picky Girl.

    Flying Colors

    Ersfeld pairs two of the season’s essential trends: bold, floral prints and vibrant orange.

    Tube top and silk skirt, stylist’s own.
    Leather belt by Bennie and Olive,
    $58 at Karma.

     

    Worn With Grace

    Winkels shows off an ideal evening look for spring: a roomy silk sheath with gorgeous tailoring.

    Silk dress by Kenzie,
    $88 at Picky Girl.
    Earrings by Jill Smith,
    $32 at Karma.
    Indian jeweled bangles,
    $5 each at Karma.

     

    A Strapless Number

    Kanzawa models a bouncy cotton dress with all manner of lovely gathering.

    Dress by Miss Me, $62 at Karma.

     

    Rake Appeal Fashion
    Spring 2008

    Clothing and accessories provided by:

    Karma, 841 Grand Ave., St. Paul; 651-291-1997;

    Picky Girl, 1326 Grand Ave., St. Paul; 651-698-4107;

    Hubert White, 747 Nicollet Mall, Minneapolis; 612-339-9200;

    Concept, choreography, production, and styling by Janine Ersfeld

    Photography and videography by Marco Baca

    Art direction by Vangie Johnson

    Editorial by Christy DeSmith

    Hair and makeup by Lauren Spear
    (llspear@hotmail.com; 612-209-6534)

    Thanks to Anne Parr for production assistance.

    View a video of the quintet in a custom-choreographed performance designed to show off their garb.