Category: Motley Kruse

Today you are nothing unless you have flawless, supple skin. Lustrous, thick, bouncy hair. Icy white teeth and breath so fresh it cryogenically freezes your date to the couch. (Take that, Fear-of-Calling-Back Man!) Never mind that things are even worse for women. As more and more straight guys get “queer eye-tized,” I fear that it…

March 17th, 8:45 p.m., St. Patrick’s Day. With a name like Colleen, there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere today. I used to work at Mickey’s Diner right in downtown St. Paul. I’ve seen enough green vomit to qualify me as an exorcist. So… maybe I’ll read the paper. Business section headline. General Mills…

Wisconsin Estate Sale, Antiques, Collectables, Linens, Furniture. Quality Household Miscellaneous. Pole Barn Full of Tools. Everything Must Go! Friday, Saturday and Sunday. 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to write one of those ads. But let me tell you, it’s pretty hard to make the words “household miscellaneous” jump…

Orange Alert, everybody. Avoid crowds. But go shopping. Keep the economy strong. Have an emergency plan in place. A central location for you and your family to meet in the event of, oh, I don’t know…an explosion? The deadly release of a new Ben Affleck movie? Wash your hands, please, but masks are for the…

I swear to heaven that it sounded like a good idea at the time. Hypnotized by HGTV, we took a perfectly good kitchen (if not our aesthetic ideal), ripped it out by the seams, and have for the last four months given a painful, bloody Lamaze-style birth to the placement of each pantry cupboard, each…

Aw, hell. You won’t believe what I got myself into. So I’ll just tell you. I’m going to be a guest speaker at my old high school for career day. Delicious irony #1: I never completed high school.Delicious irony #2: Either they never bothered to check this fact, or they don’t care. My dilemma came…