Blog

  • Make 'Em Laugh and You Will Live Forever

    It’s simple, really: when I’m feeling intolerably blue, when the skies cannot seem to shed that husk of gray and the sun is merely a dim memory, and when all of life feels hollow and miserable, I turn to movies. And one in particular, one that conjures up better days and reminds me of people that I love, like my Grandmother Schilling, my father, friends, and the three transvesitites I sat behind, who, at the Oak Street Cinema, wept with joy at the close of this favorite. These people all laughed with me and our spirits were saved when Gene Kelley and Donald O’Connor sang:

    Moses supposes his toeses are roses
    but Moses supposes erroneously
    and Moses he knowses his toeses aren’t roses
    as Moses supposes his toeses to be…

    and danced circles around Bobby Watson, the fussbudget diction coach while yelling “Hupidubidu! “

    Of course, that movie is Singin’ in the Rain.

    It is nearly impossible not to laugh at that scene, or Jean Hagen trying to say “I cann stann ’em” to her diction coach. Or O’Connor’s “Make ‘Em Laugh” sequence (and his terrifying backflips, which don’t work on mattresses turned on their sides… trust me on that one). Or Kelley’s Don Lockwood earnestly going on about ‘Dignity”, when we know better… Or any number of the moments in this beautiful film.

    Betty Comden, who with Adolph Green, wrote this silly and sublime masterpiece, died on Thanksgiving Day. Apparently, they enjoyed an amazing career, writing a string of muscial hits for MGM and Broadway, collaborating for nearly six decades. But if they never did anything but write Singin’ in the Rain, well, it goes without saying that they gave us a present that will last as long as there are movies.

    For that gift of laughter, for the gift of making the people I care for laugh, I am eternally grateful.

  • This Morning

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    I wish man had never gone to the moon.

    This world has tenderized me. I am a vulnerable adult. We all are. We are up to our ears in fairy dust and horse shit and monkeyshine and moonbeams.

    So let me tell you what I’m looking for. Let me tell you what I want: I want to be stunned. I want experiences that leave me howling with pleasure and wonder at the abracadabrant possibilities of this world. I want to feel my heart swelling in my throat until I’m choking with happiness and gratitude, until I’m reduced to hoarse, hysterical stuttering and laughter.

    I want magic. I want to see things that make me doubt my eyes. I want to hear voices. I want the life that is left to me to be pure astonishment, to return me to the epistemological ground zero of the confused and awe-struck child.

    I want animals to speak, and I want them to tell the truth.

    I want an mp3 of the laughter of everyone I have ever loved.

    I want to come home late one night to find my parents slow dancing in my living room to a Jo Stafford record.

    I want that hawk that’s been watching me for almost a year to lay its cards on the table.

    I want to get my knees dirty, to claw at the earth with my fingers, to feel the sun on my teeth.

    I want to give it away, all of it.

    I want it all to be a dream, a good one. I want to recognize that that’s exactly what it is.

    I want what I really want, what I’ve always wanted, and I want it bad. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted it.

    I want to give thanks.

    I want to say thank you.

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    My heart of silk

    is filled with lights,

    with lost bells,

    with lilies and bees.

    I will go far,

    farther than those hills,

    farther than the seas,

    close to the stars,

    to beg Christ the Lord

    to give me back the soul I had

    of old, when I was a child,

    ripened with legends,

    with a feathered cap

    and a wooden sword.


    –Federico Garcia Lorca, from “Ballad of the Little Square”

  • My Favorite Holiday

    If only we could ditch the Turkey.

    Thanksgiving easily trumps all other Holidays at this point in my life. As a kid, the two week Christmas vacation with presents and the week long Easter vacation with a fun egg hunt overshadowed the four day weekend and “kids’ table”.

    With the advent of adult cynism the luster of Christmas has been slowly wearing off since at least my sophomore year of college. The unbridled materialism that hits you at every waking minute coupled with the demands of seeing every single relative of yours as well as your significant other (with divorced parents for both, this is compounded) always makes me both tired in just about every way.

    On the other hand Thanksgiving now brings only the bit of stress of cooking with family members as well as four glorious days off with little commitment to other events or get togethers.

    Maybe it will change when I have kids. In the meantime, bring on the Turkey.

  • Post Feast: the dessert

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    I have a pre-feast ritual. It involves staying in pajamas, drinking hot cocoa, snacking on peanut butter toast and the Macy’s parade. It’s like my own inner pre-shift, my personal calm before the storm.

    Just as important, and maybe a touch underplayed, is the post-feast.

    First of all, dessert shouldn’t be served directly after the meal. You have to let the stuffing and potato flavors linger and the memory of the meal set. I love that moment when you feel relaxed and happy, you smell the coffee brewing and you know you have just enough room for something sweet.

    Pumpkin pie is lovely, but why not jack it up as pumpkin pie brulee? And don’t shy away from making a signature Thanksgiving ice cream.

    If you’re looking for a new pie, there’s only about a million options. I like Derby Pie because it has two of my favorite post meal ingredients: chocolate and bourbon.

    One of my favorite, and easiest, post-feast options is to buy a huge block of dark chocolate and set it on a board with a sharp knife and some accessories: slices of grilled bread, salted almonds, apricots, sugared ginger, pistachios, Nilla Wafers, peanut butter, whatever you like.

  • Biggest days of the year

    It is, of course, a big night for the bars. It’s the busiest bar night of the year, if my memory for statistics serves… Bowing to that, here are a couple bar show picks: Martin Devaney Band and Friends will be at the Turf, The Ike Reilly Assassination at First Ave. I still haven’t found the Tina and The B-Sides/Lola and The Red Hots show.

    Since I’ll be signed off until Monday, I thought I’d toss off some great theater happenings, too. I used to work in the theater biz, you know… And while there are no figures to back this claim, I recall the day AFTER Thanksgiving being a big, big day for the stage. So, in honor of that, here goes: Still haven’t seen it, but Worldwide Church of the Handicapped seems promising (I’m taking mom on Friday), A Christmas Carole Petersen was short ‘n funny when I saw it two years ago, and then there’s the ever-recommended Ligustrum Vulgare at Bryant Lake Bowl. Happy Thanksgiving!

  • Fashion and War

    So, the foragers have finally swept the local grocery stores… How many people are you hosting for Thanksgiving dinner? The only comfort (for some of us) is that we’ve got the next several days off, so I thought I’d mention a couple free art exhibits, should you care to avert your attention, if only for a moment, from the kitchens and shopping malls: The Fashion of Architecture, whereat chothiers, architects, and collaborations show their creations (see what Julie Caniglia wrote about it); and Afterwar, an excellent exhibition that examines the everyday lives of retired soldiers throughout the world.

  • Blunt Instrument

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    Casino Royale
    , 2006. Directed by Martin Campbell, written by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and the ubiquitous Paul Haggis. Starring Daniel Craig, Eva Green, Mads Mikkelsen, Judi Dench, Giancaro Giannini, Jeffrey Wright, Isaach De Bankole, and Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson, who seems obliged to poke his ugly mug into all the big-budget movies.

    There’s a moment in the opening of Casino Royale, when our hero, James Bond, is shown dispatching his very first victim in the sink of a public lavatory. Shot in black and white, the blacks as rich as India ink and the whites as glaring as a flash bulb, the scene is notable for its wretchedness, and an early signal that this isn’t Pierce Brosnan’s world anymore. Apparently, a double-0 agent must waste two enemies before reaching such exalted status. The aforementioned kill is shown in flashback, and now our hero, played by Daniel Craig, sits patiently in the office of his next victim, who assures him that the second kill is easier. Actually, he tries to assure Bond, but is blown through his chair by a single bullet before he can finish that sentence.

    Of course, if Martin Campbell had any wit about him, this opening scene wouldn’t have been in monochrome, but in the sun-drenched technicolor of the 60s, taking us back to the real beginning. But no one has ever accused a Bond film of excessive imagination.

    Casino Royale is supposedly a return to the old-style Bond, the “literate” Bond from Ian Fleming’s potboilers. As it stands, it is not a stretch to say it’s the best Bond in ages, though context is everything: there has literally not been a decent bond since Sean Connery flexed his golden torso in Thunderball, which itself was nothing but fluff. But the comparisons should end there, for Connery’s Bond was at least a product of its time, its politics somewhat reassuring to the zeitgeist of the 60s. The new Bond seems content to give us creaky imperialism, the usual idiotic women, gadgets that, in this world, now seem like nothing any third world country with a few bucks doesn’t own. Worse, Casino Royale has an overlong plot, ham-handed direction, and makes the especially tragic mistake of being, quite simply, in its second half, the most dull big-budget film of the year.

    After the hideous credit sequence has run its course, we open with the usual gangbusters: Bond is sweating away his afternoon in some tropical locale, this time Uganda, watching a mongoose and a cobra fight to the death while a fire-scarred villain waits for his opportunity to make some shady deal. Soon, their cover is blown, and Bond races after the bad guy in a spectacular chase through a construction area… killing scores of innocent Ugandans, whose lives, considering their lack of close up, seem to be less worthwhile than the mongoose or snake. The bad guy is an amazing creature, possessed of the dexterity of a flying squirrel and Jackie Chan, leaping and pirouetting off girders, elevators, cranes, you name it. Finally, Bond chases him down, waltzes into an Embassy (from who knows where), shoots the villain down and razes the building.

    What justifies such wanton behavior on the part of the British government? Apparently, this Scarface was a terrorist, which is enough for us. The new Bond tosses the ‘t’ word around with more aplomb than the Republicans before election day. Who the hell is this Ugandan guy? Instead of the story of a man who undoubtedly grew up living in abject poverty, who turned into a terrorist and somehow managed to morph into this gravity-defying creature, we get… James Bond. And how he learned to love martinis and lose his soul.

    The story is the usual silliness: an uber-villain named Le Chiffre, who weeps blood, makes tons of money by arming the world’s terrorists. Somehow, it is suggested, he made a figurative killing off 9/11, apparently by unloading boxcutters at a low rate. Anyway, Le Chiffre’s latest plot was thwarted by Bond, in a chase scene whose best moments were stolen from The Road Warrior. Having lost his shirt, Le Chiffre must win back his money in a high-stakes Texas Hold ‘Em tournament in Montenegro. Bond is the best card player, so naturally he’s called upon to prevail. Along the way he meets the supposedly intelligent though regally daft Vesper Lynd, played by a beautiful woman named Eva Green, who is slathered under some of the worst makeup since Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? Worse, Green is an actress with the range of a sock puppet, draining what little life there is from this film in every scene. Eventually, Bond beats Le Chiffre, is abducted and has his testicles whacked (literally), and finds a traitor in his midst.

    The film is being called ‘dark’, in that Craig’s Bond can be seen brooding, is testy, then falls in love with Ms. Lynd, and has a supposedly grim ending that references Titanic, of all films. Of course, a decent filmmaker can use lighting and camera angles, set design and editing to suggest despair, so it’s difficult to feel the angst in a film so harshly lit and pedantically shot. The film takes its sweet time going anywhere, and then just when you begin to get bored, screenwriter Paul Haggis steps in to pour syrup on the audience. Bond falls in love, Bond loses girl, Bond becomes jaded. Two and a half hours later the film comes to a close, and you wander out stunned, wondering just when you’ll stop being fooled by the hype and watch something original for a change.

    Earnestness is the raison d’etre of Casino Royale, which is a real shame, because there’s so much you could do to tweak this ridiculous scenario–from Britain’s always failed attempts at outdoing its American counterparts on the foreign policy front, to the fact that nowadays your average teenage hacker has better gadgets than Bond and Company. Not to mention the fact that maybe they could give Bond a woman who is a real foil. Perhaps a lesbian. Or perhaps Bond could be black.

    God forbid this franchise should acknowledge the 21st century.

    The old Bonds reassured us and gave us some needed confidence during a cold war that had everyone on the edge. We often forget that the first three Bonds were testaments to ingenuity–they were big moneymakers made on virtually no budget whatsoever. From Russia With Love could be considered the most literate, and even it had a sense of camp that was evident in its day. We can look now at the dopey blondes and brunettes that hung on Connery’s every smirk, but what do these silly women and their swinging bustline do for us today? Vesper Lynd isn’t fun or funny, and her barbs lack bite (and she certainly isn’t brainy). Above all, why should we give a rat’s ass about James Bond, about his development as a killer and a man, his learning not to trust people, or even about his dispatching villains, most of whom are from third-world countries? If Uganda’s the worst you can throw at us, you might as well resurrect S.P.E.C.T.R.E.

    Judging from its box-office take last weekend, this series will be around for a long time, the machine pumping out these witless packages every two years. But if it’s nostalgia you want, rent the originals. If it’s action you want… I guess you could still rent the originals. See Casino Royale if you’re a Bond addict, if your DVD player is broken, or you’re stuck in a small town and it’s a choice between this and, say, Happy Feet. Or read the book. Your own imagination can certainly do no worse.

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  • T-Day Countdown

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    Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday for the following reasons:
    1. No gifts. I love giving gifts, I just hate pretending to like the teal suede and faux fur vests of my life.

    2. It’s not religious. It’ll never be turned into something more palatable and washed out so that everyone feels fuzzy and unoffended.

    3. It’s all about food. The whole point of the day is to eat well and be happy and thankful that you can. It’s the only celebration of the year where the feast is real show.

    As for the family angst, that’s just gravy.

    The only thing more certain than long lines at the grocery store, is the abundance of cooking advice offered by every media outlet on the planet. So I’ll play along….

    Go Turducken! because it’s more than a meal, it’s a David Blaine moment.

    Watch Home for the Holidays with Holly Hunter or Pieces of April with Katie Holmes-Cruise before cooking, it will help remind you that there are bigger disasters than what you will likely produce. Confidence, dahling!

    Cocktail.

    If anyone asks “What can I bring” tell them $20. Or bread. Or wine, that may or may not be consumed with the meal.

    Forget the fancy name-place cards, I’ve got two words for you: hand turkey.

  • B-Ball Me

    Happy short week, eh? There aren’t a lot of notable arts and entertainment happenings going on tonight. But there is that sneak preview party for the Minnesota History Center’s Baseball As America exhibition–although a ticket will set you back a little ways ($25-$50). Won’t it be worth it, though, to hang out with Baseball Hall of Famers like Harmon Killebrew, Ryne Sandberg and Paul Molitor?

  • Dear Miss Yennish…

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    “There simply aren’t enough letters in the alphabet,” Mr. Lyle Baumgartner announced to his freshmen English class one afternoon. “As presently constructed the language is wholly inadequate to express the depth of my feelings.”

    He stared out at the blank or incredulous faces of his students. He then leaned on his desk with his left arm while dramatically and delicately touching his chest near his heart with his right hand. With this visibly trembling hand he made a patting motion and fluttered his fingers.

    There was a long moment of silence while Baumgartner surveyed the class and appeared to be rummaging in his skull for additional words with which to furnish his address. A lumpy, rumpled character with a head of greasy and thinning black hair, Mr. Baumgartner was legendary for his dandruff, his indescribable cologne, and for having worn the same pair of scuffed and clunky brown shoes every day for more than a decade. He was also notorious for once having had a hysterical breakdown while reading aloud from A Day No Pigs Would Die.

    “I know,” he said, “that many of you are familiar with Miss Yennish, the distinguished business education instructor at this high school. What you may not know, however, is that that comely woman has laid claim to my soul, even as she remains blithely indifferent and even, one might say, blind to not only my affection, but also to my very existence. My every effort to woo the object of my desire having proved entirely ineffectual, I find myself driven to a level of distraction and despair that verges on the maniacal. Given this unhappy set of circumstances I am going to ask that, in lieu of your regular assignment, each of you compose a letter to Miss Yennish on my behalf. This assignment will be graded, and those missives I find to be most heartfelt, ardent, and artfully constructed will receive extra credit. They will also be delivered to Endora Yennish’s home, along with a dozen red roses and a poem of my own composition.”

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