Blog

  • The Fight over “custody” Continues

    I was very disappointed to read your article regarding child custody [“Dealing From the Bottom,” September]. As an attorney who practices exclusively in the area of family law, I felt that the article did a great disservice to attorneys, the court, mediators, and child psychologists who try to assist couples in resolving their parenting issues. I also believe it provided misleading information to the public. First, it is the rare attorney who encourages her client to “say every horrible thing that you can come up with about the other person.” Most attorneys know that the courts discourage these types of statements/affidavits in custody cases. Experienced family law attorneys know that if you start off a case in this manner, there is little hope of reaching an amicable resolution on any issue. A custody evaluation is only one part of the evidence that a court considers in making a determination of child custody in those few cases where parents do not reach agreement. Minnesota statute 518.17 lists thirteen criteria for the court to consider when making a decision. While I think most attorneys and judges would agree that the custody evaluation is important, I don’t know of any judges in the metro area that rely solely on the custody study. Also, it should be noted that many litigants agree to having one psychologist do the study (and many psychologists will only do a study if both parents hire them). Further, it is rare that a custody study would cost $25,000. I also found it interesting that the reporter only cites out-of-state psychologists and “experts” for her proposition that psychologists are “hired guns.” While that may be true in other states, the custody evaluators that I have worked with in the metro area do their very best to remain neutral. While some of the evaluators have preferences on different issues, they are diligent in obtaining accurate information and they present the information in a neutral and unbiased fashion. I wonder why the reporter did not talk to a single psychological expert in the metro area. I appreciated the information on collaborative law; I am a collaborative law attorney. However, the reporter’s dismissive statement regarding mediation does a disservice to the alternative dispute resolution process, which is very advanced in Minnesota. Mediation is not a “pit stop” on the way to court. I am sure if the reporter had taken the time to research the issue, speak to the chief judges in family court, and interview some respected mediators, she would have found out otherwise. The people getting divorced are in charge, from the criteria they use in hiring an attorney, to the process they want to use to resolve their case—litigation, mediation, or collaborative law. My advice to people is not to listen to horror stories, or rely on unresearched articles, but to decide how they want their divorce to proceed, and then do the research to find a competent attorney to assist them in reaching their goals.

    Kathleen M. Picotte Newman Minneapolis

    Thank you for the extremely thorough, gender-neutral, and well-researched article on child-custody problems. These problems are further damaging already fractured families. While I disagree with many of the opinions of Sarah Ramsey, you did a good job of balancing her comments with another expert opinion, to provide one of the most impartial articles describing this problem that I have ever read. You were able to take the emotion out of it and create an “intellectual” look at the problem. Your analysis was right on target.

    Molly K. Olson
    executive director
    Center for Parental Responsibility
    Roseville

  • Short Answer: Don’t Pick up the Phone!

    As one of the many who are annoyed by telemarketing calls, I am not annoyed enough to support a statewide ban on them [“Unlisted Numbers,” September]. The telephone is only one of many vehicles that businesses use to market their wares; I am also annoyed with billboards and commercials, but advertising makes many things we enjoy possible, like TV shows, news, radio programs, and an awareness of products and services we would otherwise not know about. For some people, it’s the opportunity to buy a timeshare or get a discount on aluminum siding. There are lots of ways to reduce the number of telemarketing calls. Don’t buy products or services from businesses that sell your contact information. Get an unlisted number. Add that great feature to your phone service that asks solicitors to remove your name from the calling list and hangs up. But most important, it’s silly to make a law forbidding something that is “annoying” — especially something that can be easily modified by the one who is annoyed. Using the telephone is optional. If folks don’t want calls during dinnertime, the most reasonable thing to do is take the phone off the hook, turn the ringer off, or let their voice mail pick it up until they’re finished eating. It’s simple. I’d rather see our state invest that money in education and community development.
    Rebecca St. Martin
    Robbinsdale

  • More Than a Mouthful

    You know, I’m sad because Ben got promoted. Now he works across town, at headquarters. He’s one of those buddies you develop out of necessity in the workplace. I suppose it’s some whacked-out version of the Stockholm syndrome. You love the one you’re with, right? But I have to admit that I’m a little relieved, too. Once Ben and I got comfortable with each other, we were always meeting at the water cooler. We sat together in the cafeteria almost every day. We were “work spouses.” And Ben made his preferences in women known to me. More specifically, he made known to me his preferences for a certain part of the anatomy of women. You’ve heard the clichés: Some guys are into butts, some are into breasts. Let me tell you that Ben is a breast man, in the same way that, say, Bill Clinton used to be a federal employee.

    It’s not that I don’t appreciate a nice bustline. I like breasts too, although I tend to be afflicted by what I’ve come to call “alien plumber” syndrome. Sometimes you have these flashes of objectivity—as if you were an alien just landing on the planet, and you see human anatomy for what it is: bizarre plumbing, to say the least. Anyway, I like boobs fine. I tend to appreciate a nicely endowed feminine chest not so much for size, but for shape. I find most boob jobs highly disturbing because they tend to be unimaginative, balloon-like enhancements. It’s like shopping for tires based on tire pressure, as if the best tires were simply the ones that held the most air. Why don’t more women actually have boob jobs that make them look more shapely, instead of just bigger in all directions? Listen, ladies: Bigger is not better. Better is better, and plenty of men are really turned on by small and natural. My precious has a lovely B-cup, and I think she’s just about perfect. I’m no cosmetic surgeon, but if I were, I’d say ninety percent of all augmentations should actually be reductions, reshapings.

    Back to my friend Ben. I need to tell you that Ben cannot stop talking about breasts. Although it’s pretty tough to make me uncomfortable, and I can talk sexy smack with the best of them, I’m afraid Ben is pathologically obsessed. Now Ben is a super-nice guy, with a great marriage. The idea of ever getting caught staring at a woman’s prerogative—well, it would horrify him, of course. Few things shame him more than getting casually busted by a woman who shoots him the evil eye for checking her out. Like most of my buddies, and like me, he’s a big puppy dog who wouldn’t hurt a flea. Perhaps we’re all depraved lechers. Perhaps we’re the only Gen X guys on the planet who act one way, and talk another way. We sneak our peeks, but we’re horrified of getting caught. Sunglasses are key. (If we’re not supposed to look, then why do they dress that way?)

    This touches on another subject: Is it fair or right to talk about coworkers in a sexual way, privately and harmlessly? Is it OK to talk with workplace friends about sex? Is it OK for Ben to constantly talk to me about breasts? Well, most workplace manuals now explicitly forbid this kind of thing, in a prudent effort to nip sexual harassment in the bud. (More to the point, to nip litigation in the bud.) But here’s a problem: Everybody does it anyway. They’re just not making “unwelcome advances” or abusing their position for “sexual favors.” My friend Emily tells me the same is true among her girlfriends, although maybe the talk is a little less explicit. But they definitely talk about their male coworkers. (Funny how we seem to separate by gender, even in the office—where we’re supposed to be equals. It’s like we never graduated from third grade.) We men are pretty much relentlessly talking about or thinking about sex, even when we’re in perfect marriages, like me and my precious. So to cut out the sex talk at work, where we spend most of our waking hours, takes an honest, daily effort.

    But tongues will wag, no matter what the employee handbook says. Generally, there is a widespread “grass is always greener” syndrome among the married men I know. If their wives have big busts, they develop an eye for itty-bitties. Buddies who have no more than a mouthful tend to wonder what it would be like to have some more flesh to play in. Personally, I don’t want what I haven’t got. Maybe that’s because I’m a butt guy, and my precious has the finest caboose on the tracks.

  • A Knack at the Door

    I got it from my dad, this strange and incongruent entrepreneurial drive, this thirst to sell. It makes no sense for a quiet introvert like me, whose hands shake in front of groups and who cancels more social engagements than is appropriate in polite society, but it’s true nonetheless: I have a knack for sales. I debuted in fifth grade with a poetry machine made of an appliance box. The machine (with me cramped inside it with a flashlight and a pencil) spit out five-, ten-, and fifteen-line poems for a penny a line. I coasted rapidly downhill from that lofty debut, and have since sold everything from French fries to advertising to magazine subscriptions to vitamins and laundry soap to affordable health care and clean water. Most recently, I’ve sold multimillion-dollar improvement plans to state and federal review panels in order to score grants for public schools. I’ve sold over the counter, in the office, on the phone, and with a knock at the front door.

    Speaking of knocks at the front door, we get a lot of them in the academic hotbed of liberal generosity that is Prospect Park. So yesterday when I was upstairs in my attic sanctuary, lying in bed in the middle of the afternoon because I’d been sucker-punched by my annual back-to-school cold, my stepdaughter Lily pounded up the stairs to tell me there was someone at the door who insisted he had to speak to someone eighteen years or older. “Tell him to go away,” I rasped. She said, “That’s the problem. He won’t. I think you’d better come down.”

    Uh-oh. This guy got persistent with the wrong sick lady. I climbed slowly down two flights of stairs, walked to the front door, and glared at the widely smiling man who awaited me there. “I do not appreciate being dragged out of bed,” I whispered dramatically, since my voice had gone out the day before. The salesman blew past my complaint and started his spiel, saying that he hadn’t meant to get me out of bed, but that he just needed to talk to someone eighteen years old. “My stepdaughter told you I was sick in bed,” I croaked, “and you should have respected that.” A cloud passed over his eyes. I saw it just as if it had happened to the sun in the sky. Then he apologized and left.

    And I immediately felt guilty. Poor guy. He probably thought Lily was just making excuses, like people always do when you go door to door. Would my scolding throw him off for the evening, make him miss his quota? Did he have a family to support? I should have heard him out.

    Maybe only a former door-to-door canvasser can fully appreciate the rugged, desolate terrain of one front step after another; I, for one, will never forget it. The strap of the leather satchel across my shoulder, the weight of the clipboard in my hand, summer sun waning as the evening careened toward nine, kids voices ringing out from backyards, and the trembling tension of suspense between the push of the doorbell and the opening of the door. And finally, the rush of success with every check collected. I never once missed quota.

    That’s a salesman’s daughter for you. My dad has been around a few blocks himself, dabbling in everything from mopeds (yeah, you probably remember his old shop on Central Avenue in Northeast Minneapolis, don’t you?) to soap (until the EPA got interested, but I never really understood that story) to real estate (which somehow fell through because of a licensing hitch) to used cars (but the neighborhood was bad and wore him down) to boats, which aren’t exactly flying off the lot in this economy. Just recently, though, he told me he’s gotten into buying timeshares, which just might be the ticket.

    For all the years I’ve known him, my dad has never worked a traditional nine-to-five job for somebody else, and I can see how that rebellious streak rubbed off on me. The act of showing up for work at the same place at the same time five days out of the week for my teaching job still takes me by surprise. Me? Keep a schedule? How amusing.

    In a weird way, my dad made a schemer out of me, by example or genetics or some stirring of the two. Why not fly risk up the flagpole and see if it salutes? I like the thrill of the chase, even though I don’t like skinning my knees. Yet the scabs give me empathy for all the rest of us out there. Go ahead. Give me your spiel and I’ll do what I can. Just don’t drag me out of bed next time.

  • Shameless Self-Demotion

    September 12, 2003, 1:37 p.m. Two days over deadline. Behind in not only this job, but all of the other part-time jobs that create this dubious, ever shifting “whole” of self-employment. OK, Colleen, get a grip. Don’t subdivide your anxiety; just concentrate on one thing at a time.

    3:41 p.m. Staring at the screen for hours won’t help. Must…finish…column.…Oh, for crying out loud. It’s only 750 words. It’s not rocket science.

    4:02 p.m. Friend calls. Says she’s sorry she didn’t “remember” to invite me to her birthday party. Well, take this one on the chin. Maybe she’s getting so old that she is having cognitive thought degeneration. Make note to send her flowers, an info packet from the Alzheimer’s Association, and a sample of Clinique’s total turnaround eye-repair serum.

    4:24 p.m. Why did I quit smoking?

    4:25 p.m. Maybe I should get my tongue pierced.

    4:29 p.m. Partial list of things I hate: The Madonna–Britney MTV French kiss. (She’s old enough to be her mother! Bad! Wrong!) George and Laura Bush. (Pay-per-view should get those two to French kiss.) George Sr. and Barbara. (She’s old enough to be his mother! Bad! Wrong!) The Denny Hecker ads on MTC buses. (Did Franco Columbo inflate Denny’s head?) Cell phones. (If you get mad at the person you’re talking to, you can’t slam the phone down into the cradle for dramatic effect.) Bennifer, Pilates, and Mary-Kate Olsen. (Ashley seems like she might be OK.) “Mean People Suck!” buttons. (Some of my best friends are mean.)

    4:49 p.m. My big show is coming up. Pantages Theatre, October 3, 4, and 5. Will anyone call for tickets? I think I remember the number. It’s (612) 673-0404. God, I hope they call now! (NOW!)

    4:53 p.m. Maybe I can just write about odd stuff in the news. Like that sad, freaky deal with the bank robber/pizza guy who had the bomb locked to his neck. No, that’s not funny for sure. The only way that could be funny is if it were a scene in a Coen Brothers movie. Who would be good to play the sad, freaky pizza guy? Steve Buscemi? It would be more fun to see him being played by Tom Cruise. Smug bastard. Boom.

    5:17 p.m. Maybe I should read The Rake for ideas. What are the other columnists up to? I wonder if they’re blowing the deadline too. What’s this—a new column? Sex & the Married Man? Dude. Men frequent any and all branches of the sex industry for one reason only. It’s business, baby. It’s a direct path to paradise that requires only an ID and a little cash. It does not require any outlay of personality, or social-emotional compromise that a relationship—even a one-night stand—would take. It is not for the sake of variety. If it were, there are plenty of social clubs for variety-lovin’ folk. Oh, but then a guy would have to go to the trouble of developing those relationships, huh? Or, more important, would have to admit to himself that what he really wants is not an exclusive relationship, but an all-you-can-eat trip to the booty buffet. Women aren’t frigid if they don’t condone this behavior. They aren’t necessarily threatened either. Think of it like business. Supply and demand.

    C’mere. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Women can have sex anytime they want. It’s true! I could cram fried chickens into my mouth until my can was the size of a papasan ottoman—walk out my front door, and, within fifteen minutes, have sexual intercourse with a man.

    Hell, there might even be a fetish site dedicated to papasan-sized rear ends. The point is, I could always be somebody’s prom queen. All women could. And we know this. Therefore we do not value sex above the other good things that life has to offer, like luxury hand towels, or artisan cheese. Or a hilarious one-woman show: (612) 673-0404.

    Men, on the other hand, never know when or if they will ever get to have sex again. The booty business exists so that men can purchase what they have never been able to achieve on their own. Sexual sovereignty. So, Tiger, don’t kid yourself that your rabid libido is blazing a path to Dream Girls. It’s your innate fear of being left high and dry. (Thanks, Stuart. I owe you one!)

    6:54 p.m. 742 words. Over and out.

  • Homegrown and Housebroken

    I’ve stopped idealizing world travel. Sure, I’d love to believe that some day I’ll set foot on every continent. I’ve even overcome an odd, inherited prejudice against the Deep South, and started fantasizing about a road trip through the cornbread belt. Still, more and more, lately, I realize the place for me is my own couch, nodding off with the Twins at home-run volume and a can of cheap local brew tipping into my lap. The sunsets are pretty, the folks are agreeable, the politics are relatively progressive. It’s not much, but it’s home.

    I think we Midwesterners are predisposed to this inner struggle—a desire to travel to more glamorous places, but a suspicion that where we really belong is at home, right here among the cornfields and pig farms. Otherwise, why wouldn’t we have moved, years ago, like everyone else, to L.A. or New York? We may lust after the big city and the open road, but we have instincts for home. There is no shame in this. In fact, there may even be some art in it.

    Two wonderful new disc sets illustrate this; they feature new albums by two of our very best singer-songwriters, along with a documentary film about each. Greg Brown’s If I Had Known: Essential Recordings 1980-1996 comes with a DVD of the 1993 documentary Hacklebarney Tunes: The Music of Greg Brown. Paul Westerberg’s Come and Feel Me Tremble is both a new album and a separately sold DVD documentary of his most recent tour and studio sessions.

    It’s hard to overestimate the importance of Greg Brown, but time is beginning to confess it. If there’s an artist who needs no other explanation than his own recordings, it’s the Iowan musician. And yet this is precisely the kind of person you want to see at the center of a documentary. Brown would surely chafe to hear it, but he represents a modern romantic ideal—the poet philosopher as farmer and folkie.

    Hacklebarney Tunes confirms most of what you know and believe about the artist. Greg Brown has a home, or at least a spiritual home base, and it’s everything you’d expect: a seedy little brush farm in the rolling driftless of Iowa, nestled next to a trout stream and a blackberry patch. His actual life is considerably more complicated than this suggests, of course; he collects art, he travels and tours incessantly, he hangs with folks like Garrison Keillor, he’s in Europe as often as Iowa, and he runs a record label, if not a new-folk revolution. Whether he likes it or not, though, his music and his person evince a simple American ideal: The love of a humble home in the heartland, and all that implies—baking bread, walking beans, singing along.

    Brown may never be a rock star like Bob Dylan or Van Morrison—or even Paul Westerberg, for that matter. Even so, you can feel a slow process of grassroots lionization going on, almost in spite of him. It began, especially, with Going Driftless, last year’s album that was touted as “an artists’ tribute to the songs of Greg Brown.” That disc featured a dozen women from the A-list of folk and roots playing his greatest hits; Lucinda Williams, Ani DiFranco, Iris DeMent, and so on. (Yes, all women. Proceeds were donated to the Breast Cancer Fund.) To my mind, that CD left little doubt that a song like “The Train Carrying Jimmie Rodgers Home” will outlive its author as folk standards. And the documentary, though made a decade ago, has grown into its clothes as a biopic of Someone Who Really Matters.

    Judged by his own standards, though, I’d guess the albums Brown himself loves best are Dream Café and Poet Game—his most personal, least folkie records from the latter period. These are urbane albums that get inside the head of a modern man who has played through the clichés of folk music long enough to get itchy for new turf. Yet he’s too smart to abandon his roots. Brown knows that the folk idiom is full of sleeping dogs, rusty trucks, and swimming holes because these homey icons point beyond themselves to transcendental things.

    Still, I am convinced that the best recording of a Greg Brown song isn’t by Greg Brown. It’s by his three daughters, singing “Ella Mae” on Going Driftless. What a haunting, spare, and gorgeous tribute to their father’s grandmother. Dad’s only recorded version, included here on If I Had Known, and originally appearing on the 1983 album One Night, is oddly perfunctory. But in the mouths of his daughters, it is a thing of intense beauty that makes my throat catch every time I hear it. “Ella Mae” captures the essence of what makes Brown so compelling—a folkie modest and timeless. He’s a man whose music grounds generations in their common humanity. For reasons that I’m sure are connected to deep spiritual things, the daughters are the best evidence of what the father is.

    Paul Westerberg doesn’t have a home, artistically speaking. He’s not even comfortable in his own skin. Which is, in its own way, fitting for his area of specialization. Midtempo garage rock never had a better agoraphobic champion, and fans of the older, trashier Replacements catalog have been gratified to learn that, even though you can’t go home again, you can dial up something new on your CD player that sounds pretty damn familiar.

    Most American punk rock was disingenuous, and it remains so. To the extent that punk was an urban form of folk music, produced by and for regular people who happened to live in flophouses instead of farmhouses, its American version has come mostly from artless, well-off suburban kids whose idea of alienation was no more complicated than it ever was for the leisure class: Dad worked too much, Mom was imperious, and there were never enough ski trips to Colorado. In other words, the overwhelming injustice of life in these privileged precincts could only be that it’s so frickin’ boring.

    Luckily, we bumpkins in flyover country were chronically, genetically earnest when we got punk. The Suburbs were prep-school new-wavers who never pretended to be anything else, and they rocked the harder for it. The ’Mats, though, were as close to the genuine homegrown article as we’d ever have—city kids, working class if you like, smart enough to know they weren’t that smart, and they didn’t mind. Tommy Stinson will still tell anyone who’ll listen: They honestly were never aiming any higher than the next show, never more forward-looking than last week’s City Pages. In a sense, they accidentally embodied the bleeding edge of what became a whole argot and morality of “the genuine”—jeans and flannel shirts, Converse high-tops, bed-heads, too drunk to play, I hate music, got too many notes. Some people say that’s what killed Kurt Cobain. But punk-rock credibility doesn’t kill people. Guns kill people.

    Like Westerberg’s previous record, Tremble is willfully ragged, presumably recorded live off the studio floor. For the better part of this album, he’s turned the amps up and the vocals down. It’s “Answering Machine” guitars with “Hootenanny” vocals; he’s mixed himself, self-effacingly, almost off the record—and where you can hear him, he sounds astonishingly unconfident and vulnerable, for all his accolades as a “critics’ darling.” There is plenty of succor, though: Other tunes are cut from the melancholy fabric of “Here Comes a Regular” (“Meet Me Down the Alley”) and the twisted, Brill Building chintz of “Swinging Party” (“Knockin’ Em Back”).

    Over the years, Westerberg has sounded as if he believes what’s written about him. This may be why he prudently stopped talking to people. And it may have given him the space and the perspective to give it up a little bit with this new DVD. I haven’t seen it yet, but it’s said to be a real revelation, a doorway into the headspace he’s been occupying for the last five or six years, which about ten thousand rabid fans are dying to see. If the last thing he read was that he didn’t rock hard enough, and that he worried too much about getting his hall-of-fame reservations
    right next to Alex Chilton’s, and that he should just be himself, then we hope he’s still not reading. If he is reading, though, we hope he skipped to the end: You used to live at home, Paul, and now you stay at the house. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

  • Colorblind? Or Unaccountable?

    One of my oldest friends, actor Joseph C. Phillips (mayor on CBS’s The District), who grew up black, hopeful, and liberal, but is now African-American, angry, and conservative, recently asked me how I felt about the latest Ward Connerly initiative. Connerly, the black University of California regent who convinced voters to make affirmative action verboten in college admissions, now wants California to banish all racial references from official state records. Joseph liked the idea. I knew, or at least thought I knew, that I did not like the idea, but told him I needed to mull it over for a few days to figure out why.

    Meanwhile, I chanced across an article about Anatole Broyard, a New York Times book reviewer who spent forty years passing as a white man. Broyard, who died in 1990 without ever telling his children who he really was, left a rich legacy of literary criticism. According to one of Broyard’s close friends, Broyard believed he could not simultaneously be an “aesthete” and a Negro. Harvard scholar Henry Gates said that Broyard “did not want to write about black love, black passion, black suffering, black joy; he wanted to write about love and passion and suffering and joy. We give lip service to the idea of the writer who happens to be black, but…has anyone ever seen such a thing?”

    My musings about Connerly and Broyard took place against the backdrop of the March on Washington’s fortieth anniversary. I heard Martin Luther King’s classic words replayed many times that week: “…an America where my four little children will be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” What do King’s words mean now, in the context of Ward Connerly’s latest crusade? Do they place Broyard’s deceptions in a more sympathetic light?

    I think King envisioned an America where race would be acknowledged as part of who one is, not as a criterion by which to measure what someone is worth. But the America in which Martin Luther King and Anatole Broyard came to manhood contained many reminders of the direct correlation between race and value. Almost everything associated with black people—from the schools we attended to the jobs we held—was inferior. Remember the scene in the film Malcolm X, when a white teacher told him that being a lawyer was not a “proper job for a nigger”? “Now Malcolm,” he said in a very kind voice, “you are good with your hands… you should be a carpenter. After all, Jesus was a carpenter…”

    Broyard had, as we would say now, “trust issues” with America. He did not trust that the land of his birth would judge him solely by the “content of his character” and did not believe that he could transcend race. So he decided to hide his race to give his talent room to soar.

    Reflecting on Anatole Broyard made it clear to me why I do not like Connerly’s idea. Quite simply, I do not trust that the people who run our bureaucracies—and let’s be real, it is still primarily white folks—will do the right thing.

    Collecting racial information provides the statistical firepower to know, for example, that African-American motorists are far more likely to be stopped by the police, for “driving while black.” Racial statistics have been the smoking gun in housing discrimination lawsuits, damning proof of funding disparities for all sorts of stuff, and the basis for just about every social service decision ever made. To stop collecting this information because the Ward Connerlys of the world believe that we have reached some racial utopia would be stupidity of nearly criminal proportions. Our society has yet to demonstrate that it can be trusted to treat all its citizens equally without the accountability that this information helps to provide.

    Sadly, Broyard felt that his only option for addressing this mistrust of the society white folks built was to fold himself into the very ranks of those who built the racist walls that trapped him. For better or worse, collecting racial data is another, less personally destructive way of doing the same thing. We simply cannot make the leap to the world King dreamed of on that bright summer day so full of hope forty years ago, without keeping track of who’s who.

  • Sustainable Wine

    One would have thought it was impossible to pay too much for food. Life, after all, is not the same without it. Yet all over the developed world, farmers are hard up. The English newspapers made hay some weeks ago with a story about farmers’ wives in the Hardy Country, one of the most picture-postcard parts of Britain, who are obliged to advertise their charms on the Internet for the enjoyment of foreign tourists (“Come and Pluck an English Rose”) in order—if you will permit the expression—to make ends meet.

    Government subsidies, meant to solve the conundrum of keeping food cheap without making farmers impossibly poorer than their fellow countrymen, do nothing for Third World farmers, who are thus excluded from markets. Farm subsidies are not, in the final analysis, for the long-suffering farmer; they are for eaters who would rather spend money on something else. God alone knows the solution to this—how many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    But one can hardly hold up for admiration the Common Agricultural Policy of the European Union (or whatever the Common Market is being called this week), even though more than forty-six percent of the official expenditure of the European Union goes toward agriculture. The Common Market started as a deal by which German industry paid for the picturesque traditions of French farming. They put the European Parliament at Strasbourg in Alsace to symbolize this concord. Whatever the symbolism, the practicalities are truly remarkable. For one week each month, the 626 members, their staff (who otherwise work in Brussels), their secretariat (based in Luxembourg), and their translators (into and out of eleven official languages) decamp to Alsace. Imagine moving the Minnesota Legislature up to Duluth one week in four, all the year round.

    Strasbourg is certainly central to Old Europe. Caught between the river Rhine in Germany and the Vosges Mountains in France, it enjoys a relatively dry and continental climate. It has been fought over by armies from East and West at least since the neo-pagan Roman Emperor Julian the Apostate defeated a Germanic confederation there in 357. After the war of 1870, Alsace became German (Elsass); in 1918 it became French once again. Hence the old joke about Alsace wine being made of German grapes using French methods—which means they do, or do not, wash their feet (adjust joke according to prejudice).

    It is true that many of the Alsace grape varieties, such as riesling and sylvaner, are also widely grown in Germany. Alsace is in fact the only part of France producing first-rate wine where the grape variety rather than the region is the most prominent item on a wine label. The grape most readily associated with Alsace is the gewürztraminer, a variety actually related to muscat grapes and made into wine with a strong smell of elderflowers, melons, or lychees (pick your own comparison), tasting remarkably like its own fresh grapes.

    As in Germany, some growers leave the best grapes on the vines until they grow the “noble rot” and are made into sweeter wines labeled “Vendange Tardive” (German Spätlese). But most Alsace gewürztraminer is made into table wine, clean, dry and spicy, fermented in steel rather than in oak, until all the residual sugar has been absorbed and the wine has a fresh bright finish. This is perhaps the only wine that can stand up to curry.

    It is certainly good with turkey. As it costs a fraction of what you would pay for the fine wines of Burgundy, the wine region closest to the southwest of Alsace, you might want to stock up on it in anticipation of Thanksgiving. I would not answer for its compatibility with marshmallow dip or lime jelly. So buy a bottle now and practice.

  • The Magical Fruit

    I had my chili epiphany in a bar in Dallas. Unlike some of my other saloon-supplied revelations, this one came not from the bourbon but from the crusty old dude on the next stool. I’d just asked for advice on the best local rib joint. After about an hour of discourse with details including serious analysis of the nuances of sauce and the names of the guys “rollin’ racks” behind the lines, my guy throws a head nod to the bartender and says, “But what you really want is a bowl of red.”

    Two steaming, heaping bowls of chili came out of the kitchen, and Crusty tucked into his without a word. As I’m asking him if this is the best in the area, he taps his spoon on the edge of my chipped bowl and says, “Eat the magic beans.” And truly, amid the beef and tomatoes swam the most flavorful and colorful combination of beans, some of which I had never seen before. We licked our bowls clean and chatted about the chili queens of San Antonio—who used to roll out their carts to the plazas at dusk with big steaming pots of chili—and about how Crusty loved the one with the green lamp and how she gave him magic beans.

    That night I could only dream about the beans I knew: green beans, soy beans, kidney, black, navy, lima. But with magic beans, it’s not so much what you know or don’t know, it’s what you don’t know you don’t know. You know?

    As one of the oldest cultivated crops, beans have been fortifying society since there was society. Evidence suggests that the peoples of Mexico and Peru were growing beans as far back as 7000 B.C. Chickpeas and fava beans have been found in Egyptian tombs dating back at least 4000 years, and around the same time soybeans were growing in parts of Asia.

    Legumes are plants characterized by edible seeds and pods or beans. This term replaced the word pulse, which you might see used in older cookery books by fancy people. All this naming is only slightly confusing when you consider there are roughly 14,000 species in the leguminusae family.

    The Great Common Bean (phaseolus vulgaris) began life in Mexico thousands of years ago. Spanish explorers brought it to Europe, where it thrived and made its way back to the New World in completely new forms. This amazingly enchanted bean is classified by its diverse colors and is known differently by many cultures. White beans include navy, soisson, white kidney, cannellini in Italy, and Boston baked beans in Beantown. Red beans go by all kinds of familiar names: kidney beans, chili beans, habichuelas, cranberry beans, and pinto beans, named for the painted ponies they resemble. Black beans, brown beans, and flageolets are also common.

    Chickpeas were named by the Romans for the “ram’s head” curl of the seed. They are also known as garbanzo beans and are said to increase sexual energy. Black-eyed peas most likely began in China and traveled with the tradesmen to Africa, then back to the Americas on the slave ships. The South’s traditional New Year’s “Hoppin’ John” dish is evidence of the migration. Pythagoras of ancient Greece forbade his followers to eat fava beans because they were said to contain the souls of the dead.

    Soybeans, maybe the Albus Dumbledore of magic beans, originated in Manchuria about 3000 B.C. These hard little rocks need more soaking than other beans, if you intend to eat them outright, but that’s not where their true magic lies. It’s in the salad oil and the sprouts. And the bond in chocolate, and the miso in soup. It’s in the tofu, the Tofurkey, and the bogus hot dogs and cheese you fool yourself with. It’s in the soy sauce that brings your fried bean curd to life. Soy is the “meat of the earth” and the miracle bean, and the magic is clear.

    But maybe beans aren’t so magical to you, because you fear them. All you’ve been thinking since you started reading this is: Beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot. We’re not equipped to easily digest the complex sugars in beans. These sugars run into nasty little bacteria in the intestine, where they have a little party. The hungry buggers eat the sugars and give off gas. So, you see, it’s not really your fault; you just smell that way. Crazily enough, the more often you eat beans, the less you putt-putt. It’s only when you treat your bacteria to a splurge that you pay the price. Of course the answer is to eat more beans, because the more you eat the better you feel, so let’s have beans for every meal!

    What better way to attain the enchantment of beans than through your own bowl of red? Here’s a good basic shot at Crusty’s favorite bar chili: Sauté some onions and garlic in a big pot. Add a pound of beef and brown. Drain off the fat and season with chili powder, cumin, crushed red peppers, paprika, salt, and pepper to taste. Add two large cans of whole, peeled tomatoes. Add rinsed black beans, pinto beans, cannellini beans, and black-eyed peas. Let the whole mess simmer on low heat for about two hours, and let the magic smell waft through your house before tearing in.

  • A Blue Boat on Brown Water

    If you peer off the north side of the Lake Street Bridge this time of year, you’ll often spot a dark blue, double-masted sailboat anchored on the Mississippi. For most of the past seventeen years, Captain John V. Caola has sailed from points south—Key West, Miami, and the Bahamas—to beat the heat and visit his family (which now includes eight grandchildren) in the Twin Cities.

    He is turning into a seasonal sight himself. Sporting a blue Hawaiian shirt, Panama hat, and a salt-and-pepper beard, Caola resembles a slimmed-down Hemingway, a guy who at first strikes you as just the kind of carefree and footloose soul you would imagine choosing to live out his retirement on a sailboat. Talk to him for a while, though, and you soon discover a surprisingly conscientious and meticulous individual, one who reels off the details and specs of his thirty-three-foot boat—which, he informs me, is really a motorsailer rather than a sailboat—and the routes he has sailed.

    Since the end of January, Caola and his friend Monique, a newcomer to the live-aboard life, have sailed or motored 2,400 statute miles. They began in Miami, sailed north on the Atlantic, and traversed the width of Florida via the Okeechobee waterway. On the Gulf coast, they followed a route of commercial waterways and open sea that eventually brought them to Mobile, Alabama, where they began an inland journey up the Mobile, Tombigbee, Tennessee, and Ohio rivers. And then, at Cairo, Illinois, they embarked on old muddy itself—the Mississippi River.

    The early days of fall are an ideal time to be on the upper Mississippi, Caola says. Even in a dry year like this one, the view of the changing leaves is spectacular from the river, as is the setting sun reflecting off the steel skin of the Weisman Museum, a short sail up the river. Soon Caola and Monique will turn the MS Beluga around and sail back south, this time down the entire length of the Mississippi to New Orleans.

    Over the years, Caola has been pleased to see the water quality and boating facilities on the Mississippi improve. Although the boat traffic has also increased, the river is still a remarkable refuge. “It is amazing,” he says, as we gaze up at the busy bridge from the west bank of the river, “that you can be right in the heart of the hustle and bustle of a big city and down here it is all peace and quiet.”
    —Dan Gilchrist