March 17th, 8:45 p.m., St. Patrick’s Day. With a name like Colleen, there’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere today. I used to work at Mickey’s Diner right in downtown St. Paul. I’ve seen enough green vomit to qualify me as an exorcist. So… maybe I’ll read the paper.
Business section headline. General Mills falls short of forecasts. CEO Steve Sanger blames sluggish stock value on slow response to “low carb” trend. Hmm. That would be a tough trend to follow for a flour company. Maybe they can transform the Doughboy into something with more Atkins appeal, like “Meatie Man” or “Cheesy Chap.” Hey, or the Bake-Off could award extra points for the entry with the least fiber content.
Front page. I usually save that for last. Too depressing. “DFL fires an early salvo at Pawlenty.” Democratic Party runs TV ads slamming the Governor’s record on the release of sexual predators and his position on the death penalty. Yep. I remember that one. Last summer. He was going to let a bunch of risky pervs out of lockdown to save the state some cash. I guess the state’s goal of keeping known offenders from re-offending is expendable. I have an idea. What about blending non-essential programs? Imagine driving down that lonely stretch of Highway 100 North, the one close to the office parks beyond 494 without the street lights, and coming upon a reassuring green sign: “The next 100 yards patrolled for sexual predators by the Girl Scouts of America.”
“Bubbles, noise may deter bighead carp.” State wildlife officials are proposing an underwater tube that will make a curtain of air bubbles across the Mississippi River to scare away invading Asian carp. You can scare away a hundred-pound fish with bubbles? I suppose that makes sense. Any time I see bubbles in the Bally’s swimming pool I get the hell out of there.
Business section again. Gas prices approaching the $2-a-gallon mark. While the price represents a nasty inconvenience to SUV drivers, the problem could be disastrous for the trucking industry, which is obviously affected by fuel prices. You know, if we can’t afford to ship oranges and asparagus to the middle of the country in the next fiscal year, I think General Mills will have its profit recovery in hand. Carb loading will become a necessity of survival.
Particularly for those who used to depend on Metro Transit. They’re having a tough time making it to the grocery store as the strike wears on, and I imagine they could use a product with a prolonged shelf life. Especially if they can’t get to work, stop paying bills, and their power gets shut off. With no refrigeration, a colorful pouch of substantial, rib-sticking flour will come to the rescue and feed those children! Note to General Mills CEO Steve Sanger: Here’s a new product line for the new permanent underclass. Pillsbury Paste! In eighteen colors and four mouth-watering meat flavors—just add water! Roll it into pellets, add some sugar and a talking bear, and call it breakfast.
Back to the front page. “Bush ads call Kerry vote anti-soldier.” Kerry ads say Bush ads lie. Remaining soldiers in Iraq try not to get blown into anti-soldier matter.
“Inquiry into Medicare bill ordered.” During the Medicare debate, Bush administration officials cited an estimate of $400 billion over ten years in their rehaul plan. A document prepared by Medicare’s chief actuary before the vote, but not shared with Congress, estimated the amount closer to $551 billion. In a bold move, Surgeon General Richard Carmona will chair a special task force that will hold as many as five “listening sessions” on the issue. “Operation Mollify” begins Friday.
I’d better check out the metro section. Pawlenty again. “Pawlenty puts gambling on table.” Governor says if tribes refuse to share casino profits, “we are going to entertain other options.” Options under consideration include an all-you-can-eat buffet at the National Guard Armory, two-drink-minimum Williams and Ree concerts in the Capitol rotunda, and Ann-Margret for lieutenant governor.
Comics page. Nothing funny here. Dilbert still hates his job. Cathy’s still fat. Garfield’s still lazy. And the Family Circle kids remain ignorant of Mommy’s burning desire to escape.
This just in. Paul Douglas’s weather page says spring is on the way. What a job. He said that last year.
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